Depressing Thoughts
Before you read this, understand I am not looking for pity or doctor recommendations. I just needed to get some thoughts out. Maybe some advice from someone who has been through this type of thing. I apologize in advance.
Lately, I've been feeling depressed. By lately, I mean for a few years now. It has gotten to the point where I want to see a therapist or something to find out if I really have depression or I'm just like everyone else at my age. But then I remember that I don't have much spending money and that doesn't help my feelings.
As corny as it may sound, it really feels like the world is out to get me. Every thing I do, every plan I make, they all get screwed up somehow. And it's not just complicated things like moving, even trivial things like doing laundry become overly complicated. It's frustrating and I'm growing exhausted from having to deal with all of this constant conflict. Just once, I want something to be easy. I want to move out of this stupid apartment so I can actually use my money again. I want to go apply for a job somewhere else because I'm sick of McDonald's. I want to finally learn how to drive. I want to get a haircut without waiting for an hour. Some of these can be chalked up to laziness and the fear of change or actually trying to talk to people, but one of the reasons I am reluctant to attempt them is because I know somehow, someway every one of these things I want will not happen. At least not how or when I want them to.
It seems like everyone else just knows exactly what to do, who to talk to about this stuff and how to do it. It seems like they all have connections in every aspect of life and they can actually afford vehicles and college, and they somehow keep a job while going to school, their mom gives them free haircuts and they learned how to drive before they graduated high school, got their first car on their sixteenth birthday because they were lucky and had parents who could afford it. They don't have the fear or the anxiety that I do. And their plans always work out. They know exactly what they want and exactly how to get it so they go out and do it.
But my life decided to take an entirely different path. The one where all the bullies hang out but it's your only way home so you have to pass them every day, hoping that they won't see you and if they do, they will just ignore you. But they never do. No, they get there early so they can sit there and wait for you to come by. Then when they finally see you, they let you walk past them, staring at you all the while. And when you think you're in the clear and everything's going to be okay, the bullies attack. They punch you and kick you and take all your money, your pride, your dignity, your hopes and dreams, they take it all and they divide the spoils amongst themselves and the things they don't want, they just burn. So you get up, dust yourself off and hobble home where you can sit and think about how your life is so screwed up that the only way you can even release your true feelings is by blogging to anonymous strangers on the internet.
I need change. I want change but I don't want to be the one to make it happen. Because I don't know how. I don't know anything. But I do know that this life is killing me, and if it wasn't for my little brother, I would probably not be writing this right now. I do have hope that things will get better. But everything I've ever hoped for has disappointed me either because it never happened or it wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
As far as writing goes, I don't even know if I want to keep trying anymore. When I think about all the writers I know, they all started fairly young, wrote like crazy for years. They never took five month breaks in between paragraphs. Not because or writer's block but because you just don't want to write anymore. It feels like an impossible dream to me. And because I dared to dream, I know it will never come true. Because my dreams never do.
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