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Depressing Thoughts


Xanthurion2

1,811 views

Before you read this, understand I am not looking for pity or doctor recommendations. I just needed to get some thoughts out. Maybe some advice from someone who has been through this type of thing. I apologize in advance.

Lately, I've been feeling depressed. By lately, I mean for a few years now. It has gotten to the point where I want to see a therapist or something to find out if I really have depression or I'm just like everyone else at my age. But then I remember that I don't have much spending money and that doesn't help my feelings.

As corny as it may sound, it really feels like the world is out to get me. Every thing I do, every plan I make, they all get screwed up somehow. And it's not just complicated things like moving, even trivial things like doing laundry become overly complicated. It's frustrating and I'm growing exhausted from having to deal with all of this constant conflict. Just once, I want something to be easy. I want to move out of this stupid apartment so I can actually use my money again. I want to go apply for a job somewhere else because I'm sick of McDonald's. I want to finally learn how to drive. I want to get a haircut without waiting for an hour. Some of these can be chalked up to laziness and the fear of change or actually trying to talk to people, but one of the reasons I am reluctant to attempt them is because I know somehow, someway every one of these things I want will not happen. At least not how or when I want them to.

It seems like everyone else just knows exactly what to do, who to talk to about this stuff and how to do it. It seems like they all have connections in every aspect of life and they can actually afford vehicles and college, and they somehow keep a job while going to school, their mom gives them free haircuts and they learned how to drive before they graduated high school, got their first car on their sixteenth birthday because they were lucky and had parents who could afford it. They don't have the fear or the anxiety that I do. And their plans always work out. They know exactly what they want and exactly how to get it so they go out and do it.

But my life decided to take an entirely different path. The one where all the bullies hang out but it's your only way home so you have to pass them every day, hoping that they won't see you and if they do, they will just ignore you. But they never do. No, they get there early so they can sit there and wait for you to come by. Then when they finally see you, they let you walk past them, staring at you all the while. And when you think you're in the clear and everything's going to be okay, the bullies attack. They punch you and kick you and take all your money, your pride, your dignity, your hopes and dreams, they take it all and they divide the spoils amongst themselves and the things they don't want, they just burn. So you get up, dust yourself off and hobble home where you can sit and think about how your life is so screwed up that the only way you can even release your true feelings is by blogging to anonymous strangers on the internet.

I need change. I want change but I don't want to be the one to make it happen. Because I don't know how. I don't know anything. But I do know that this life is killing me, and if it wasn't for my little brother, I would probably not be writing this right now. I do have hope that things will get better. But everything I've ever hoped for has disappointed me either because it never happened or it wasn't as good as I thought it would be.

As far as writing goes, I don't even know if I want to keep trying anymore. When I think about all the writers I know, they all started fairly young, wrote like crazy for years. They never took five month breaks in between paragraphs. Not because or writer's block but because you just don't want to write anymore. It feels like an impossible dream to me. And because I dared to dream, I know it will never come true. Because my dreams never do.

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StarMountainKid

Posted

Hope you don’t mind, but I let Zarkor read your blog entry. This is what he told me.

As you may know, he was a poor orphan as a child, with little hope of success in life.

A little later in his life something happened: he fell in love with a female of his species, and everything changed. Although his circumstances remained the same, that love changed him inside. The boring routine that depressed him now seemed bright with clarity. In other words, he became happy in sharing his dreams with an understanding mate, no matter the bullies around him, and she gave him confidence in himself.

From then on he had courage that sustained him through his early troubles, and that love led him later to some of the success and fulfillment he had always desired.

In one of Hemmingway’s novels, a character says, “A man alone has no chance.” I don't really believe that. I think when we live without love we still have a good chance, though we may muddle through until love does enter our lives. We always have some strength within us no matter our situation.

This may sound gooey romantic rubbish, and something impossible, though I believe what Zarkor says.

Zarkor is a pretty smart fellow, even though he does bungle along most of the time. He says through all his early troubles he never gave up, there was always something in him that fought on. Zarkor is a true hero in this sense, in my opinion.

Just saying.

I know Zarkor’s words were easy for him to say, but still I think there is truth in his words, though I know love is hard to find. For myself, I would just say, hang in there. Your life right now is the same as millions of others. Your advantage over them is your intelligence and therefore your awareness of yourself and of your situation.

I think your intelligence actually may make your present situation more difficult for you. But would you rather be dumb and just accept a McDonalds life?

Artists, creative people, can have a difficult life at times because we think differently and expect more out of life than regular civilians do. It’s our lot, it seems. But we can be proud of ourselves in our heightened sense of awareness and self-expectations.

I know I ramble on in mostly meaningless ways, and advice is often useless, forgive me. The only one who can change perspectives is you, and I don’t know where that comes from. Usually it just happens unexpectedly.

After all, we create hope in this world. If we artists couldn't tough it out, there'd be no art to beautify the world and give others some faith that life can be meaningful. I think we owe them our imaginations, like giving charity to the poor.

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Thanks for that. As always, you seem to know exactly how to inspire me. Unfortunately, it never lasts for very long. The problem with finding love for me also relates to my problem of not being able to talk to people. There are many girls I have taken an interest in but I've never been able to even approach them to talk. And almost every time I find someone I like, I learn they are already in a relationship and so I give up. I know I have many years ahead of me but I can't help feeling absolutely hopeless and powerless.

I try to stay confident that things will get better someday but it just seems that it's taking longer for me. And to have as many problems at once like I have seems a bit unusual to me. Most people have at least one thing going right for them whereas I have nothing.

Tell Zarkor thanks for the insight.

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StarMountainKid

Posted

It's always a good idea to say hello how are you to people, especially girls, whether they have boy friends or not. People love to talk about themselves, so I usually start a conversation by asking a question about them, like how do you like work, etc., or just commenting on the weather. People will actually talk to you if you talk to them about things in general.

Everybod like compliments, I like your dress or your hair style or anything. If it's not a come-on or threatening in nature, people respond in kind. I've learned if you talk to the good in people, the good in people will talk to you.

When I smile and make innocent conversation in a general way people respond. Just a hi is good, and if you seem like a nice person, as time goes by girls usually start to feel comfortable with you, and may even stop and talk to you.

It's enough just to be on friendly terms. I mean, you're not looking to marry anybody. Women are impressed with innocent politeness and seeing you're not trying to make a play for them. I think it's because that kind of kindly behavior is so unusual in guys they meet!

Women are shy and reluctant, too, you know, unsure of themselves. Everybody wants a friend, even girls who have boyfriends. Who knows, some girl may even begin to like you! It's not really so hard to break the ice as you may think.

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The thing is it takes all of my willpower to just say "hi" even to people I don't like. To add anything after that is a staggering feat to me, like slaying a dragon. And if I'm interested in the person, romantically or what have you, the dragon becomes a hydra that breathes fire and lightning and everything else. I know they are people too, no different than me but I think that's what actually frightens me. The fact that anything I say will most likely be misunderstood or simply not heard. It causes the simplest conversations to become impossible. I try to be nice and considerate but I have no idea if anyone else sees me like that. What if my 'nice and considerate' comes off as 'weird and creepy'? This question and others plague me on a daily basis and I know it's stupid to think like this but I can't stop, I don't know how.

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(please I'm not being rude) Stop the negative. Be in the moment,

God I hated school, nothing went right fore me, And How To start Is ..

no more pity partys. Yes ,life is hard and I mean hard! It's all in the way ya look at things .. no one knows how too work this life, everyone might

look like they know what they are doing & going. they don't. well the privileged might cause daddy starts them out. ..main thing is to remain calm & be in the moment!

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