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myABBAsheart's Blog

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Unexpected Grace


myABBAsheart

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It took over twenty hours to get from my house to my childhood hometown. It was a long drive. It was a productive as well. My brother and I literally spent the whole time talking about our feelings and experiences. I always felt alone in things. I knew they had their own experiences, I just thought they handled things better than I did. Was not the case at all. My feelings were valid, when I understood that it was not just me who was in pain.

We drove straight through. It was almost three a.m. We had no place to go. The weather was calling for snow. People knew we were coming. They knew we were traveling so far. We were the only ones out of town. The only family my dad had was his three children. The people who showed up for his funeral were friends, mostly of his girlfriend. He had this life with her. We had friends and other family members too that were not related to my dad. Not one person offered to let us stay at their house. We were exhausted. We were also told by family members that they heard the hotels would of been filled up because of the weather. Yet, no offer...just sayin! We were just about to sleep in my SUV. It was super cold. In fact it reached below zero. Colder then what we were used to living in the South that's for sure. I had my daughter and oldest son with me. We would of managed, I think.

Out of the blue, I get a text from a cousin, the only niece to my father. She offers her home. It was so late. She has two babies and we did not want to put her out. I have not even seen or really spoke to her in over thirty years. I really also did not know what to expect. Her dad and my dad, hated each other. My dad had his own life away from his childhood and responsibilities. I assume he despised being weighed down by others. I had not seen my Uncle since I was a little girl. I believe he was on the Spectrum. He had violent outbursts in my Grandparents home. My dad and Uncle would fist fight. I was never scared of my Uncle though. My Grandmother was an enabler. She enabled it all.

My Uncle came down from the top floor of the house one day, He was so out of it and upset. I started talking to him. My Grandparents never wanted us to disturb him or talk to him at all. I would ask him all kinds of questions. He was not scary at all.. My Grandfather started arguing with him. My Uncle stops and kneels down and says, "You're nice. You can be my friend." We were great friends. His mind was like a child, but his heart was soft. He later, met my Aunt, and it was rough. She has scars, wounds, stories, however, she loved him. They had a child when I was ten. I never saw her after that. The hostility and anger, made my father never speak much of him. He always felt like he had to not only work at an early age, but he had to take care of his brother. He was his brothers keeper. I heard all kinds of stories about my Uncle, stories that overtime I really questioned their validity. I always wondered how they were, how my only cousin on this side was.

I know my cousin grew up around this. I just could not feel it all. I had fear of ingesting more than what I could of handled. I was so beyond overwhelmed with everything and beyond mentally exhausted. I probably would of found a hotel or something. The thing was we were really in the middle of nowhere. If there was ever such a thing as driving drunk, without drinking, we were doing it. We were about to say no, but we took our chance and pushed on another hour the tail end of the island. We were SO tired, that we did not realize how cold it was. We arrived after 3 a.m. Funny, that since I had not seen my cousin since I was ten, and she was four, we clicked it off instantly. We found things in each other that were very similar and I felt like I had a long lost sister. We sat and talked for awhile. My cousin had been up all day since early morning and it is reaching 4 a.m. We crashed on the floor with air mattresses and blankets. It was cold, but I was too tired to care. I'll never forget the comfort I received instantly and the warmth. It completely contradicted what I was told and validated what I was taught of my mother to judge of them. They were not anything my father ever said they were.

As I crashed on the mattress, I felt something fall on me. My sweet cousin, had lovingly placed a blanket over me and tucked me in. I just about lost it, I was so exhausted. I looked right in her eyes and thought wow....beautiful works of Mercy. Here I am Catholic, and how easily I take these things for granted. She does not go to church, and I could see so much of Christ in her, just from the first hour we arrived. She fed the hungry, gave drink to the thirsty, sheltered the homeless, and cared for the sick. I asked God then and there to bless her. Such a selfless act that can mean so much. I wonder if this is what others see when we visit the homeless shelter in the winter? I think this is exactly what it was like in their eyes and to understand how innate and beautiful it is in another human being to have such empathy. It is a gift! We crashed and were up again at 7 a.m. (Thanking God for strong coffee).

The thing that really makes me annoyed about it all, is the lack of family loyalty that went on in our entire family. I was not sure what to expect, from what I always grew up being told that my Uncle was basically considered worthless to my father. That my dad could not even be bothered with keeping up with all their problems. He made it sound like they were so far beneath them and lost. My dad and his girlfriend were very much materialistic, this I really knew. This I knew from my own childhood as he had no intentions of ever helping my mother care for us. Of course, we were reminded how he paid his monthly child support. The amount however, was never mentioned that it was $33.00 a child, per month. We were also handed money at Christmas to go buy things we wanted. It was made known to his girlfriends family and in front of them when they did have Christmas with us. There was no excitement of what was under the tree, rather we were to put our hands out and handed a huge amount of cash. We had know notion as to how to react. We were then told to go to the store and to call my father once we did. We had to tell him everything we bought and for how much, it had to add up to exactly what we were given. Never once, were we to help our mother. Yet, we would have if we knew, I would now, but we were just children. The only toys we really got were from this "transaction". It bothered me so much at an early age, it became less about getting toys and money, more about realizing they could not even be bothered to think or do something that reminded them of us. The older we got, the more we realized what was occurring. The more we realized this was spite, and eventually even though fifteen minutes away, holidays seem to become less with them. We were happier with my mom anyway, although the ache was there early on, as to when exactly as adults are they going to gain insight into their actions.

The next morning at my cousins house, they made us a really great breakfast. We were so distraught and exhausted, honestly traveling and not recalling how much or when we ate. My cousins house is quaint. It is a duplex and after Hurricane Sandy, they were able to get assistance and move out of the homeless shelter they were in. To understand that they have two small babies, caring for my aunt on disability, and my cousin and her boyfriend, they have had it very rough and are making ends meet....barely. They are blessed to be where they are living. What amazes me, taking us strangers in, and giving us the food they get from assistance, to feed our family. We are family and this is what families do! They were really there when we needed them. If my father had not died, when would we have had this experience?

Over the course of the next few days, we could never understand why? We knew the secrets, the weirdness of our fathers family. We knew the insanity, the intensity that went on. We just could not fathom the anger and rage that selfishly kept cousins and our children apart. It really hurt us deeply to hear one think or be told something about the other that was not even true. We shared, laughed, cried, and laughed all over again. We were happy to be connected. To heal the broken bonds for our children. It was a family I always wondered about, and wondered if she ever knew about us. I told her that as long as I live, she and her children will never be homeless again. I won't let that happen. We have not lost touch since. It is a mystery to understand this and realize how a death can lead you to receiving unexpected blessings.

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