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Taun's Blog

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Tricycle Race Results


Taun

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Well, the 9,853rd Annual UM Tricycle Race, Demolition Derby and Chili Cook-off is now in the history books!

It was a truly classic race, full of chills, spills, thrills, flaming crashes, fireworks, suspense, drama, pathos, and a few other words I don’t have the desire to look up in the dictionary… A record number of entrants signed up this year – owing largely to the last minute announcement that entry in the race would remove 3 years off of your Oubliette confinement sentence… Fully 15,923 racers lined up at the Historic Portcullis of the Main Drawbridge over the Inner Moat… It was an inspiring sight to see so many brightly painted racing machines all (more or less) lined up… Yellow, Red, Blue, Green, (a few white ones for some reason) and of course the Puce teams tricycles were in abundance….

Thirty Minutes prior to the starting guns, The UM Grand High Inquisitor appeared high on his balcony overlooking the milling mob of idiots racers and fans below… Raising his arms on high, he began intoning the traditional pre-race Benediction and Legal Warning, in High Old Pig-Hittite – which is rather like pig-Latin but in Hittite… Once the lawyers were satisfied that all loop holes had been closed and no racer (or their heirs) could sue for any reason whatsoever, another annoying inspiring Invocation was chanted by the Gregorian Chanters from Oubliette Numbers 17 and 135… Once the racers and fans were re-awakened, the Official UM Polka and Ompah Marching Band played their rendition of the UM National anthem (no one else considers it that – but they do).. As the massed accordions and Tubas blared away, the pit crews removed the wooden chocks from the racers vehicles wheels…

As the massive UM Clock tower slowly ticked off the last few seconds the racers began the traditional reviving of their “engines” – 15,923 eager people all going “Vrooooom! Vrooooom! Putt Putt Putt!” as loudly as they could… A thrilling spectacle that harkens back to the early days of the race – back before the wheel had been invented (those tricycles didn’t really move very fast in those days)… The Start Marshals quickly worked their way through the throng of racers, removing the occasional illegal enhancement – or just making changes for the heck of it… All racers who had cards attached to the spokes of their wheels with clothes pins were inspected to ensure that only approved sports cards (or playing cards) were used…

At long last, the Clock tower struck 2:12 and 15 ½ seconds PM (Noonish UM standard time) and the signal was given… The massed cannon of the Grand Bastion fired off a salvo (more or less in unison) and the race was on!...

After a fifteen minute delay was called to clear the debris, wrecked tricycles and injured and/or dead racers, pit crews and fans from the start line where the cannon had been aimed, the surviving racers were off!

It took three hours for the traffic jam at the drawbridge to clear, after the surviving 7,321 racers jockeyed for the lead…. At last three members of the Red team broke out from the pack and set up a blistering pace down the Grand Processional Way… Radar check points clocked them moving at a respectable speed of 18,816 FpFn (7 mph, 11 kph – remember that all speeds are noted in Furlongs per Fortnight)… The three Red racers had no sooner cleared the drawbridge than the log jam suddenly cleared and the bulk of the racers sped after them…

Unable to maintain their blistering pace for long the three red racers gradually were overtaken by the pack and soon the lead changed every few seconds… Dozens of spectators cheered them on as the moved down the Grand Processional Way, knocking the elderly and children out of the way as they vied for the honor of being the first to cross the Great Outer Moat (very important as Pookie usually allows the first few to cross before he (?) starts choosing his snacks….)

At long last the Imperial Rickety Bridge came into view as it majestically spans the Great Outer Moat. First to attempt the crossing was a member of the Yellow team, who pedaled as fast as she could while chanting her “Vroom Vroom” sounds to psych herself up more… Unlike last year Pookie was already at the bridge, looming far above it – no doubt drawn by the Ompah bands that ran alongside the racers… But for some strange reason he (?) seemed to be a bit off his feed – snatching up only a relative few of the racers – certainly less than 500… An investigation later revealed that the Puce team had been feeding him large quantities of door-to-door salesmen, telemarketers and several hundred zombie workers the night prior to the race – so he was full…

Across the Imperial Rickety Bridge, the Grand Processional Way changed from its well-maintained cobblestone surface to the worn, heavily rutted mostly washed out Ancient Dirt Trail… Several dozen racers had breakdowns on the heavily rutted trail and would have to sit out the next few hours while their pit crews sobered up and attempted to reach them for repairs…

At last the leading elements of the racers reached the Old Creepy Forest… Entering the densely wooded, heavily overgrown, eerily spooky forest, the racers and their brightly painted machines were quickly swallowed from sight into the deep gloom… Since no televised coverage of the Old Creepy Forest is possible, its not really known exactly what happened inside. However a member of the Grumpy Old Coot and Cootess Club (who were responsible for Marshalling the trail in the forest) when asked to report – merely smirked, shook her head and explained “I told them young’uns to keep offa my lawn!”

6,915 racers entered the Old Creepy Forest and 4,112 exited still on their tricycles…

Blue team was now in the lead as they raced down the last leg of the Ancient Dirt trail, before turning west out across the very appropriately named Trackless Plains of Despair… The Green team gained considerable advantage here by plying the Course Marshalls with massive bribes to redirect the other teams out on the plains… While the Green team raced (more or less) in a straight line to Check Point #1, the other teams had a more … circuitous route…

Gaining a full 24 hour advantage over the other teams, Team Green enjoyed long stays in the Jacuzzis and bars at the CP#1, before heading out straight up the long trail that goes up the Outer Crater wall on Slippery Slope… Heavy bribes by other racers and teams cut down some on the delay time imposed by their aimless wanderings, and soon everyone still in the race was speeding up slippery slope… Almost 3,000 made it to the top, to turn East along Knife Edge Ridge Road – those that forgot to bring Oxygen, were soon out of the race, and what with the occasional “slip” off of the extremely narrow trail, less than 1,000 made it all the way to the Grand Frictionless Staircase…

Atop the staircase, it is not unusual for a racer to pause as they look down the ice covered Teflon surfaced staircase… 57,000 feet (17.37 kms) down a staircase at a 60 degree angle, through the clouds, haze and smog of the outer regions to the blasted, burned, barren lands of the Great Artillery Impact Zones, is a very daunting pathway… especially since tricycles really don’t have any brakes… About half decided to withdraw from the race at this point – until they learned they would still have to go down the staircase anyway… So with many a deep breath (those who still had oxygen anyway), and with white knuckled intensity, one by one they started down the staircase…

Aside from being frictionless, it is a staircase… So riding a tricycle down it is extremely bumpy… As always this part of the race, and the subsequent attempts to slow them down at Check Point #2, provides many amusing highlights on the local sports channels….  It is safe to say that ALL of the racers made it down the staircase… but only about 200 were in any condition to continue the race.. Oddly enough every member of the White team made it down intact and in (relative) good health… It seems that they each packed a parachute and simply drove off the cliff rather than attempt the staircase… While this is not exactly illegal, it will be addressed at the next meeting of the Rules committee…

After resting, refitting and the mandatory psych evaluations at Check Point #2, the surviving racers pedaled off down the rather poorly marked trail through The Eastern Artillery Impact Zone (A)… This part of the race is always dramatic and frequently replayed in slow motion with stirring musical accompaniment, as the dented, dinged and banged up brightly colored tricycles roll through the fields on bent and wobbly wheels, while the artillery shells explode all around them… For added affect, each tricycle was outfitted with a smoke canister of their team color.. This greatly added to the overall cinema graphic effects…

At long last the survivors were able to turn West and after hours of speeding alongside the Grand Outer Moat in relative safety they came once again to the Imperial Rickety Bridge, where they turned Southwards along the Grand Processional Way… Thanks to Pookie still being rather off his feed, almost two dozen racers made it to the finish line….

The finish order is thus:

First Place: Melvin Frump… White Team

Second Place: Lotta Sassback … Puce Team

Third Place: Ida Won … Green Team

Other Honors:

Highest Bribe – Green Team

Highest Speed (excluding the Grand Frictionless Staircase leg) – Robert “Steroid Bob” Smith 32,256 Fpfn (12 mph/19.3 kph)

Highest Speed on the Frictionless Staircase – Mach 3.2 – Still awaiting the DNA test to identify the lucky winner of this trophy…

 Attached is a map of the route(s) run...

 

The results of the Chili Cook-off were just as spectacular… Over 10,000 entrants brought their favorite chili recipes and after hours of taste testing (and the occasional stomach pump) Jim-Bob and Billy-Bob “Cooter” Jenkins of Bugtussle, Oklahoma, were awarded the Grand Prize… Safir Al-Qwazi of UM’s own Oubliette Kitchens was the runner up…

 

So – another legendary event has passed and now we all can look forward to the next two scheduled events… The Cthulhu Days Festival, Mardi Gras and Tango Contest on April 15th and the highly anticipated UM Old Coot and Cootess Ball, Limbo Dance Contest and Flea Market on April 20th..

See y’all there!

route map.jpg

23 Comments


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ouija ouija

Posted

Thanks for the summary, Taun, however I feel I have to speak out ........ did you accept any bribes? I ask because my memory of the race is that my fellow Puce Team led from start to finish!!

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OFFICIAL NOTICE...

Due to legal complaints being filed (by the Puce team) and certain irregularities noted by surveillance cameras (and some rather impressive bribes) - The White team has been disqualified from the race... Their use of parachutes on the Grand Frictionless Staircase - not to mention not actually filling out any entry forms - has been ruled as a violation of the UM Racing Board's Standards of Conduct (yes, we have standards - they are very low... but we have them)... So Team Puce has been declared the winner (pending the clearing of the bank drafts for their rather impressive last minute bribes)... Congrats to Team Puce for a bribe well placed race well run!

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ouija ouija

Posted

Here we are with our certificates of authentification:

IMG_7483.JPG Thanks for being so easily bri such a good sport, Taun! :D

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spud the mackem

Posted

On ‎23‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 6:12 PM, ouija ouija said:

Here we are with our certificates of authentification:

IMG_7483.JPG Thanks for being so easily bri such a good sport, Taun! :D

They don't look like cheats , so I'll accept the verdict, but why is the little guy in front not smiling, perhaps if we interrogate him he may tell a true story.However its a lovely picture ..

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I dunno... That one on the front row with glasses looks kinda shifty-eyed to me... Besides.. isn't his a photo of team Pink? (Or perhaps team chartreuse?) - And the trophy certificates are WAAAAAAY more high class than the ones we give out....

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2 hours ago, ouija ouija said:

:lol: I've just noticed I'm holding mine upside down!

You are just being considerate to our Australian and New Zealand members...

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Likely Guy

Posted

4 hours ago, Taun said:

You are just being considerate to our Australian and New Zealand members...

That's right. It's not their fault that they're antipodal.

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I must admit I was taken aback at the honor I received this year for surviving that horrific crash last year.   The combination knuckle/toe warmer will come in handy when I am curled into a ball.   Please extend my thanks once again to the judges.   

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1 hour ago, tcgram said:

I must admit I was taken aback at the honor I received this year for surviving that horrific crash last year.   The combination knuckle/toe warmer will come in handy when I am curled into a ball.   Please extend my thanks once again to the judges.   

I will as soon as they make bail...

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1 hour ago, acute said:

When was this Tricycle Race?

I never got the email.

 

Its a total secret but it usually around the time of the great prison break of 1592 give or take a few hundred years.. The time for next years race is hidden in a mayonnaise jar and guarded by Pookie the moat keeper...

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ouija ouija

Posted

9 hours ago, acute said:

When was this Tricycle Race?

I never got the email.

Oh come on! You know very well why you weren't emailed about the race. Your behaviour before, during and after last year's race was appalling! :o

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2 hours ago, ouija ouija said:

Oh come on! You know very well why you weren't emailed about the race. Your behaviour before, during and after last year's race was appalling! :o

You dragging that up again?

If you can't drink with those tablets, they should put it on the label.

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ouija ouija

Posted

open-mouth-surprised-smiley-emoticon.png  OMG!!!! Are you serious?! TAUN! eject/ban this vile creature from this thread, please.

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16 minutes ago, ouija ouija said:

open-mouth-surprised-smiley-emoticon.png  OMG!!!! Are you serious?! TAUN! eject/ban this vile creature from this thread, please.

I know where you live.

Maybe you have an accident, maybe you don't. Who knows?

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5 hours ago, ouija ouija said:

Oh come on! You know very well why you weren't emailed about the race. Your behaviour before, during and after last year's race was appalling! :o

 

I understand that the History Channel is making a documentary of this incident and it will be aired sometime soon... 

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On ‎27‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 3:54 PM, ouija ouija said:

Thud-2_zps39b7f9fb.gif~c200

I'm glad I didn't get to attend the Tricycle Race, because I would have missed out on this brilliant smiley otherwise!

 

  • Like 4
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