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2017 Cthulhu Days Festival


Taun

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The Cthulhu Days Festival, Mardi Gras and Tango Contest was held on the 22nd of April… For those wondering why it took me so long to post this Incident Report After Action Review article, the sheriff only just let me out following the events with the Balloon Beer Fleet…

As always the Festival began precisely at midnight(ish) the morning of the Festival, when the masses of fun loving festival fans, creepy cultists, moonstruck minions, zestful zealots and curious onlookers gathered deep in the heart of the Old Creepy Forest, at the ancient shrine to the Great Old Ones (not to be confused with the more recent clearing dedicated to the Grumpy Old Ones used for the Old Coots and Cootessess gatherings)… As the multitude of bonfires were lit, and the great Bronze Gongs were rung by festively painted and attired gangs of zombies, the Council of Mods representatives gathered on the platform high above the Great Central Pit (not to be confused with the many lesser pits, sinkholes and pot holes that abound in the forest), the combined choirs of Floggers, Henchmen (and women) and dungeon tour guides began the ancient chants some have described as “Gregorian Chants done by Rap Bands”.

As the gathered masses enjoyed (or else) the chanting, merchants weaved their way through the crowd selling various beverages, various treats such as “cephalopod on a stick” and the ever popular kids treat “Chocolate Cthulhu Bunnies”…

At a signal from the combined Gongs, the chanting stopped (more or less in unison) and the Chief Mods began the arcane rituals needed to summon the Great Old Ones… They began by chanting the Forum Rules, then Switching to the Great Book Of Outer Mongolian Traffic Laws, finishing up with Performing UM’s Unofficial National Anthem “I’m A Little Tea Pot”… A hush fell over the crowd as they waited with festive joy - and at the same time dread, for the appearance of the Great Old Ones… Slowly a vast cloud of indescribable color (and odor) rose out of the pit. The crowd edged closer in anticipation. Suddenly the cloud coalesced into the form of Shirley, Cthulhu’s personal Office assistant. Her voice rumbled out: “I’m sorry. The number you have summoned is either no longer in service or busy. Please disconnect and re-summon. This is a recording.” And the cloud vanished.

Muttering a few phrases and words that violated at least three of the Forum Rules (and laws of physics), the Mods gave a few pithy commands and all the performers returned to their start positions and the ceremony began again…

Five tries later, Great Cthulhu and his entourage finally appeared and assumed their position as Grand Marshals of the Parade. The festival goers were overjoyed to see that with Cthulhu were his former wife Idh-yaa and their four kids Gthanothoa, Ythogtha, Zoth-ommog and the crowd favorite: little Cthylla… This was the first time in eons (literally) that Cthulhu and his once mate were seen together in public and many people began speculating about a reconciliation between them, particularly when he wrapped a few of his tentacles around the parts of her that they could reach and seemed to hold her affectionately as they waved to the adoring crowds.. As you may recall (from mandatory UM History classes you were supposed to take) the pair had an acrimonious split back a few tens of thousands of years ago… She got the Palaces in R’lyeh, the planet Vhrool in the 23rd nebula and the green binary star system of Xoth – plus an undisclosed cash settlement. While he got to keep the trademark on his name, and the slime encrusted bungalow in Muncie, Indiana that he shares with his unemployed kids Nctosa and Nocathulu (by another mating).

As the Grand Marshals seated themselves upon their massive floats, the festival goers rushed in to take up the ropes and soon the hordes of straining fans were pulling the carts through the Old Creepy Forest along the Ancient Dirt Trail toward the Main UM Complex, to the accompaniment of the massed banjo bands of the Western Oubliettes …

There was one minor problem with the parade. When the parade began emerging from the Old Creepy Forest, the Balloon Beer Fleet from the Old Coot and Cootess Ball, Limbo Contest and Flea Market, made an unscheduled appearance overhead… They had been avoiding the elements of the UM Air Force that were sent out to “round the hooligans up”, and – being on a week long beer binge – began pelting the parade with empty beer bottle and cans – before a strong gust of wind (an F3 tornado summoned up by the annoyed mods) blew them out over the Great Dismal Swamp – where they were last seen attempting to land to “gather up some more munchies and beer”…

The parade crossed the Great Outer Moat and as Cthulhu’s float reached the center of the bridge, they paused to let Cthulhu greet his former pet Pookie the Moat Monster… Pookie was (as always) overjoyed to see his(?) former owner and possible creator and it was quite a while before Pookie calmed down enough to stop the earth tremors.. Finally with an affectionate tugging of some of Pookies Spinal Tendrils, the parade proceeded into the Main Complex.

Many more fans and spectators lined the Grand Processional Way to witness the parade, and the fans were not disappointed. Leading off was the South Eastern Society of Raptor Wranglers, leading and riding their award winning Velociraptors, and tossing candy to the crowds… Behind them came the Massed graduating class of the UM Tuba Tuning School, performing “The Flight of The Bumblebees” on their tubas. Following the Tuba Band came the ever popular Precision Drill team of Marching Zombie Nixons and Churchills, led by their director (the zombiefied) Charles DE Gaulle… A series of floats followed representing the various guilds, unions, associations and therapy groups from here at UM, then the Grand Marshalls floats passed by followed immediately by the combined UM mental health workers to ease the disturbed and battalions of Lawyers handing out disclaimers, statements absolving UM and its staff from any liability (real, imagined or arcane)… At last came the float honoring the winners of this years Tricycle Race, Demolition Derby and Chili Cook-off..  Team Puce rode proudly on their float which was a representation of their winning strategy – a massive, record setting bribe after the fact… As always the fans love to both cheer and boo the persons honored on this float..  Bringing up the rear was the world renown UM Kazoo and Snare Drum Marching Band, playing their signature song of “Louie Louie”

Following the final floats and marching bands, came the hordes of zombie street sweepers, trash picker-uppers and pothole replacers – which as always received the biggest cheers of the festival.

Due to last minute schedule changes, some freakish bad weather, the delay in starting the parade and an outbreak of various severe – and embarrassing - diseases, the Tango Contest was postponed to later this summer, to be featured as its own event….

 

Next month is a quiet month here at UM with no major festivals or events scheduled. It is a time of maintenance of the Oubliettes, dungeons, torture chambers and Public Library… Those interested in assisting (and not already ordered to do so anyway) are encouraged to speak to their buildings Chief Flogger – or an available Inquisitor. We can always use an extra set of hands to help spread the slime, muck, mold and mildew in our sleeping areas… Remember, participation in this event is seen favorably by most parole officers! See you there!

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I missed that one..grrrr.  Anyhows, my mate little Hutch has told me that next years event will include a VIP called Daddy Goulash.  The said fellah was famous in the 1990s.  He used to break into peoples homes not to steal but to judge and grade the cleanliness of the household cooker.  Never met the guy myself but I would love to grill him over what he used to get up to.

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" Performing UM’s Unofficial National Anthem “I’m A Little Tea Pot”…"

Wow, I wasn't aware that we had our own Anthem...that's very impressive. However, all this has made me realize that I need to brush up on Outer Mongolian Traffic Laws.

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Yeah we had a vote on it and it was between I'm A Little Teapot, Inna Gadda Da Vida and The Badger Song...  The election official (ahem) might have... uh... forgotten to mail out the ballots :whistle:... However, both ballots we did get were for "I'm a Little Teapot"... So it was (Un) Official!

Mongolian Traffic Laws are pretty simple...

1. The lines on the roadway (when they are actually there) are "suggestions"

2. The larger vehicle never yields.

3. Yaks Always have the right of way.

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spud the mackem

Posted

At Outer Mongolia witnesses report that over 30 Police in rickshaws were chasing the local Yeti through town, who had escaped jail by knawing through the metal bars and trashing the 3 inch thick steel door before running off with the breakfast doughnuts of the Chief of Police, its reported that he's heading for the U.M. conference to become a Mod .

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On 4/30/2017 at 9:15 AM, third_eye said:

Wot abot the Yakkety Yaks though ?

~

 

[00.01:39]

~

 

That's the official song of the Mod's Academy...

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On 4/30/2017 at 0:19 PM, spud the mackem said:

At Outer Mongolia witnesses report that over 30 Police in rickshaws were chasing the local Yeti through town, who had escaped jail by knawing through the metal bars and trashing the 3 inch thick steel door before running off with the breakfast doughnuts of the Chief of Police, its reported that he's heading for the U.M. conference to become a Mod .

That's my cousin Philbert... He always was a bit of a hothead...

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