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talking to myself

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Admitting my fear


markdohle

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Admitting my fear

A God who draws near out of love, the Holy Father continued, walks with His people, and this walk comes to an unimaginable point. We could never have imagined that the same Lord would become one of us and walk with us, be present with us, present in His Church, present in the Eucharist, present in His Word, present in the poor, He is present, walking with us. And this is closeness: the shepherd close to his flock, close to his sheep, whom he knows, one by one.—Pope Francis (6/7/13)

Fear can be a great test of our faith.  The love of God and the Father’s intimacy with all of his children can at times be hard to believe and embrace.  When young, it is possible to have a certain kind of bravado, and a sense of being in control and fearless.  One may even say that they do not fear death; which I believe is a fiction we use to cover the terror of our turning into a lifeless corpse.  Or perhaps for the young it is inconceivable to think of their deaths.  It is actually difficult for any of us I believe.  For when I think of my death, I am doing it as an observer….the death process and death itself is a deeply personal experience. 

As the years pass we lose loved ones, and the process only speeds up as the years literally fly by.  So much suffering, both physical as well as mental, this is probably worse by far, mental torment.  We learn that while we do have a small area of control in our lives, we are forced to accept the reality that it can all be lost from one second to the other.  The wisdom of age comes with a price.

Yet, Jesus walks with us.  Lately, I have been facing my own fear of suffering from a stroke.  Over the past few months I have had three friends who have had serious strokes; well two, one was a brain bleed, which is pretty much the same I believe.  I am terrified of this happening to me.  What (!), you may say, aren’t you a man of deep faith?  Well yes, I am, but that has nothing to do with the experience of fear. 

The Father is with me, in union with me, even though I am often unaware of it or being scattered or if not, I can be fearful and anxious.  Yet I still have faith, I can still trust, even if my stomach is nauseous.   For in the midst of this, I can surrender to God’s love for me and his journeying with me as I live out my final, perhaps three decades, if I live to be 98.

I believe that in our walk towards union with God all of our fears, sins, and anxious concerns have to be surrendered in trust to a merciful God beyond our comprehension.  If not, we can become embittered, or simply shut down.

I have no idea what awaits me or those I love, yet I can still surrender my future as well as my death and those of my loved ones into the hands of a merciful loving God. 

In the Easter-Season we celebrate the reality of the Risen Lord!  It is our seeking to understand and pray over this reality that gives meaning to our lives.  For just as Jesus, when he went through His passion remained faithful to the Father, so we as well, will experience with him eternal Life, which begins now, today, this moment.  Our faith is not an escape from the pain and terrors life, but in the midst of all this we can experience the joy of the presence of the Holy Trinity within our hearts.  Trust can be a hard choice, but we have to choose, allowing grace ever deeper into our hearts.

 

 

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