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Update on Michaels dad

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Ruby04

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July 2015 we got told Noel/ Michaels dad has stage 4 Bowel Cancer.

 

Last year they said they had got it all over then a spot on his liver, which they shrunk enough to remove.

 

They told him last month they thought he has 5-8 years of life left.

 

Sunday 7th May he came out of hospital, but went back in on Tuesday 9th due to an infection he got put in ICU.

 

Friday 12th May: Michaels mom Paula walks in Michaels room (his door was open) and goes OH you're both in here Noels going downhill fast, drs called a family meeting with her. The Chemo has stopped working, his Liver is beyond repairing the Cancer has taken over.

 

She then starts with: You 2 need to think about getting married while he's alive unless your going to deny him that pleasure or seeing it.

I said were getting house first.

Then came YOULL NEVER GET A HOUSE ON ONE INCOME YOU CANT GET A JOB YOULL NEVER GET MARRIED IN THAT CASE. YOURE BETTER OFF LIVING HERE ITLL BE CHEAPER THEN RENT AT $250/300 WEEK. YOULL NEVER BUY A HOUSE YOU CANT GET A JOB. She said this twice while adding in (because I said no and we're getting house first) YOU'LL NEVER GET MARRIED THEN, YOU CAN'T GET A JOB.

 

I told Michael I'm going for walk so went to the playground 5:40pm at night and rang a friend, rang oldest sister, rang dad.

Sat at the playground until it was too dark and cold to stay out walked back to Michaels.

 

I said to Michael later basically as much as I want to marry you, I'm not rushing it cause then it could end (due to dealing with her and a child's sized bedroom) badly. Also said his room is too small and with a house we'd basically be able to be in different rooms when annoyed at each other.

 

Worse comes to worse YES we can get house on one income (he tried saying she means its hard. That's not what the money hungry itch said thou besides her house was brought with Noels income and her government benefit as she was classed as job seeker at the time) or we would live here (at dads) for little while. We wouldn't be happy living with her because of her BPD mood swings (as in if she got nasty and tried throwing him out, she threatened to once before when things didn't go her way).

 

My focus is being there for Michael since he needs support, holding myself together while also facing the fact that his dad is not going to see us get married or ever visit when we do get a house. Also dealing with her.

 

Saturday 19 Paula tried a verbal attack on me while Michael was asleep but didn't get anywhere. 

Then tried saying her mom rang her and tried blaming Noel for his cancer. Michaels grandma is NOT that type so I think Paula said it in hopes Michael and I will turn on his grandparents. Michael was told what his mom claims and also doubts his grandma said it. 

 

update 22 May: Went to take in a coffee for him, he wasn't there. Paula has ability to use his cell phone, his Facebook, her own cellphone and house phone to contact us since Noel couldn't due to sedation still. I wasn't told nor was Michael their own son!

Noel's gone home for a little while, he's going into palliative care very soon. 

 

When it was just Michael, Noel and I in the room (also when just Noel and I) not once did he say anything about hanging on til he says Michael and I marry or that it's his dying wish. 

He did however say to me when I was there yesterday, that Paula needs to pull her behaviour in line once he passes. Also suggested a home loan and real estate they went through to get their house.  

So the wedding talk and we should live with her has been confirmed to be her doing not his. Which is what I thought. 

 

I ended up up leaving the room when she was there because she started verbally attacking me. I didn't want that stress on Michael or Noel. 

Michael followed a couple minutes later and told me what Noel said, which is written below. 

Noel told her he's sick of her trying to interfere in Casey (me) and Michaels relationship and causing problems by attaching us so much. 

 

I suspect Noel can see that by her attacking she's pushing not only me away but also her son. She's single hand ably ruining the only family relationship she will have left. 

 

I'm doing my best to support Michael while also trying to cope with it all. I'm thankful I have a loving supportive family who consider Michael family. 

 


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sees

Posted (edited)

What a nightmare!  Such a stressful scenario.  It's not clear to me where you live now - with Michael?    Do you think Noel would really want you to wed before he passes on or is Paula using this as leverage to get you both to move in with her?   I suppose it may have occurred to you that she might need help/support (if the consequence is that she will be left there living alone) since she has BPD i.e. she may well be scared of being left on her own.  Is she taking anything for that condition?  Bearing in mind that, at such a difficult time, her illness may be more pronounced...

Even if you were to rush the wedding (highly unlikely and not a good idea), wouldn't everywhere be booked at such short notice?  If you know that this is the case you could use this fact to argue your case with Paula. 

You don't say what Michael wants in all this.  Why is she saying that you can't get a job?  I hope you have the support of those around you e.g. close friends.

Edited by sees
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Ruby04

Posted

5 minutes ago, sees said:

What a nightmare!  Such a stressful scenario.  It's not clear to me where you live now - with Michael?    Do you think Noel would really want you to wed before he passes on or is Paula using this as leverage to get you both to move in with her?   I suppose it may have occurred to you that she might need help/support (if the consequence is that she will be left there living alone) since she has BPD i.e. she may well be scared of being left on her own.  Is she taking anything for that condition?  Bearing in mind that, at such a difficult time, her illness may be more pronounced...

Even if you were to rush the wedding (highly unlikely and not a good idea), wouldn't everywhere be booked at such short notice?  If you know that this is the case you could use this fact to argue your case with Paula. 

You don't say what Michael wants in all this.  Why is she saying that you can't get a job?  I hope you have the support of those around you e.g. close friends.

I live with dad, we (my family happened year before I met Michael) lost mom in 2011 suddenly and unexpectedly. That same year grandpa passed from Cancer. Moms best friend (who was mom to one of my sisters best friends) passed from a rare Cancer, the son of one of dads friends was killed in an accident and grandma had to be put in a nursing home due to needing 24/7 care.

Mental health card she can't pull because I have Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Depression (severe clinical to be exact) and OCD. Until I was 23 (which was year mom passed) I couldn't go ANY where alone due to the Anxiety.  

Noel of course would like to see it but she's also trying to use it as a guilt trip.

You only need 30 days notice once you fill out intent to marry forms and then you can get married at the registry office with 2 witnesses.

She's not worried about being alone she's worried about the fact once Michael moves he wont be paying to live there.

She was on meds but came off them because she felt she didn't need them. She once blamed me for her checking herself into the mental health ward, why because I told her the truth (that I couldn't trust her since I told her very private things she told 2 of her friends and twisted other things she said saying I said them).

She told me to get pregnant behind Michaels back don't tell him til it's too late for him to have any opinion on it (told him she said that), that she would watch grandkids for $100 a week!

She says (she's never worked a paying job, was fired from volunteering for stealing) I can't get a job because before the one I had and got fired from (called in sick and got fired, there's 2 or 3 blogs on it) I hadn't worked due to the Anxiety.

Why didn't I say what Michael wants? Because he's the one who wants a house before getting married and I respect his wishes.

Support I have an amazing support team of family and friends who care about me and know (they don't like her, they've met her so its not me putting it in their heads) what Paula is like.

She cut her parents out of her life because they said no to supporting her and no to buying her a broom cupboard she wanted.

There's more but I can't post it all due to UM rules.

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Ruby04

Posted

Wedding is NOT being rushed, it'll be done Michael and my way. Nothing too big or flashy, just close family and friends.

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tcgram

Posted

*Hugs*   I know she is being a giant human hemorrhoid to you (Pain in the rear end), I admire your ability to deal with her and stay with Michael.   

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Ruby04

Posted

Thankyou. I went to see Noel told him I'll come back he had lawyers there and I didn't want to listen in. Noel (which touched my heart cause she's called me her sons girlfriend despite being engaged to her son) said to them in his future daughter in law, they were fine with me being there. I felt that since I'm not legally family (plus she'd kick me out) it was best to go. I don't want anything he owns, all I want is to marry their son and build a life together. 

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Ruby04

Posted

7 hours ago, tcgram said:

*Hugs*   I know she is being a giant human hemorrhoid to you (Pain in the rear end), I admire your ability to deal with her and stay with Michael.   

It's worse now this happened 5:30pm Friday night my time, it's now 6:30pm.  She goes oh did Michael tell you what Noel wants? Me no he wants you both to get married so he can see it. Since he didn't get to see Sam (their daughter who was killed at 15 she'd be 30 this year) get married. Me we're not til we get a house. Her again with the not on one income. Then oh he's already seeing the angels, he could go any day now.  She forgets even if it was yes it takes min 30 days for notice of intent to marry to process

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tcgram

Posted

Good grief, she's impossible.   

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Ruby04

Posted

Yes. The using her daughter and Noel as the reason is horrible and low. 

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