Join the Unexplained Mysteries community today! It's free and setting up an account only takes a moment.
- Sign In or Create Account -

tcgram's Blog

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
  • entries
    12
  • comments
    64
  • views
    9,628

How long does one grieve?

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 3
tcgram

835 views

I have lost people very close to my heart throughout the years but they all seem to have paled to the grieving I am still experiencing from the death of one of my best friends almost 6 months ago.  I am not sure why, but her death seems to have hit me harder than my own father's death and a friend that I thought of as a mother.  

She and I were close in age, I was 1 1/2 years older.   We saw each other at work almost every day and hung out when we could on our days off.  I walked into her office every morning and we talked about what was going on in our lives.  She had divorced 3 years before and remarried within 6 months so a lot of times we discussed her relationship with her new husband and how they were adjusting to each other.  

It still hurts to see pictures of her, and I cannot bear to take her number out of my contacts yet.  I still have our last texts we sent to each other the night she died.   I seem to be doing well and then someone or something reminds me of her and I find myself grieving anew.  I often wonder if her death has hit me harder because of being close in age and the death being very sudden.  

I know that everyone grieves differently but I feel like I'm still going in waves of grief and I'm not quite sure why.  I did not post this to get sympathy, I simply needed to talk about it.  But if anyone has insight I would be willing to listen.  


6 people like this
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 3


29 Comments




.ZZ.

Posted

This is a tough one C. I know you mentioned you didn't want sympathy, but my heart goes out to you.

Hang in there! :)

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
tcgram

Posted

Thank you, my friend.   

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
ouija ouija

Posted

Hi tc. 6 mnths is no time at all, especially for the loss of someone you saw every day. She has left a big hole in your daily life and that alone will take a lot of getting used to. I get the impression that she was a great support to you and she 'got' you. We are lucky if we have one person in our life who fulfils that role ....... often family members don't, no matter how lovely they are. I could say be thankful that you had her in your life, for however short a time, but I know that you are and I know that the strength of the relationship only makes the pain worse. Give yourself another 6mths, get past all the significant anniversaries for the first time without her, and don't expect anything of yourself, don't beat yourself up. At some point you will probably notice that the balance has shifted and now when she comes to mind it is to give you advice or support or to make you laugh. In that sense she will always be with you. You enhanced each others life ........ and that is forever.

Lots of love to you :) *hugs*   

6 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
tcgram

Posted

Thank you. :)

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
Claire.

Posted

TC, it's not unusual for the loss of a friend to be more impactful than the loss of a family member. Nevertheless, such a loss is often a disenfranchised one — a loss that is not fully legitimized, or deemed as significant, by others. That may be one of the reasons you are feeling it so intensely — because you might not be getting the same level of understanding and support as you would for the loss of someone deemed more 'significant' such as a parent, spouse or child.

Another possibility to consider (and you've already touched upon this) is that the death of a friend often brings our own mortality to the fore. The fear of death can be felt more intensely when someone who is very much like us dies. We are often friends with people who are similar to us in age, education, interests, etc., so when they die, it is a stark reminder that we too are vulnerable.

How are your other friends dealing with your grief? Have some distanced themselves? It would not be unusual behavior on their part if they have, because it's often difficult for them to know how to handle helping a friend deal with the loss of another friend. So you may end up with few, if any friends, to lean on. What compounds the problem is the fact that the friend you lost was probably not like most of your other friends. From what you've written in other posts, my impression is that she was a primary go-to person for whatever life threw your way. I bet you've had moments recently when your instinct was to reach out to her, only to feel shattered seconds later upon realizing you couldn't.

My life experience is rather limited, but I have known a great many people who have had to deal with the loss of a friend or family member, and what I have observed is that in most cases, those who have unresolved issues or fears, are the ones who grieve the longest and hardest.  So take a look inside to figure out what's going on in this instance and take it from there.

Hugs.

 

3 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
third_eye

Posted

@tcgram

As long as you want for as long as it takes ...

~

4 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
tcgram

Posted

32 minutes ago, Claire. said:

TC, it's not unusual for the loss of a friend to be more impactful than the loss of a family member. Nevertheless, such a loss is often a disenfranchised one — a loss that is not fully legitimized, or deemed as significant, by others. That may be one of the reasons you are feeling it so intensely — because you might not be getting the same level of understanding and support as you would for the loss of someone deemed more 'significant' such as a parent, spouse or child.

Another possibility to consider (and you've already touched upon this) is that the death of a friend often brings our own mortality to the fore. The fear of death can be felt more intensely when someone who is very much like us dies. We are often friends with people who are similar to us in age, education, interests, etc., so when they die, it is a stark reminder that we too are vulnerable.

How are your other friends dealing with your grief? Have some distanced themselves? It would not be unusual behavior on their part if they have, because it's often difficult for them to know how to handle helping a friend deal with the loss of another friend. So you may end up with few, if any friends, to lean on. What compounds the problem is the fact that the friend you lost was probably not like most of your other friends. From what you've written in other posts, my impression is that she was a primary go-to person for whatever life threw your way. I bet you've had moments recently when your instinct was to reach out to her, only to feel shattered seconds later upon realizing you couldn't.

My life experience is rather limited, but I have known a great many people who have had to deal with the loss of a friend or family member, and what I have observed is that in most cases, those who have unresolved issues or fears, are the ones who grieve the longest and hardest.  So take a look inside to figure out what's going on in this instance and take it from there.

Hugs.

 

Thank you for your reply.  In our office, we are all still dealing with our grief in different ways.  Some are quiet and withdrawn, others (like myself) are talking to help get things out in the open.   My friend was a go-to person for several of us and yes, it is devastating for me to want to share what is going on in my life, only to realize I cannot anymore.   I do not believe I have any unresolved issues or fears but am still carrying a bit of guilt because I did not realize she was taking a very strong diet pill, along with steroids and asthma meds.   That was ultimately what stopped her heart.   I thank you once again for your insight, I welcome it with open arms.   :)   

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
tcgram

Posted

36 minutes ago, third_eye said:

@tcgram

As long as you want for as long as it takes ...

~

Thank you my friend. :)

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
third_eye

Posted

7 minutes ago, tcgram said:

Thank you my friend. :)

you just made me run out of 'LIKES'

~

Quote

You are only allowed to give 200 likes per day. You cannot give any more likes today.

:angry:

~

1 person likes this

Share this comment


Link to comment
tcgram

Posted

Sorry!   

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
third_eye

Posted

18 minutes ago, tcgram said:

Sorry!   

ArgggHHhhhhhh !

Quote


You are only allowed to give 200 likes per day. You cannot give any more likes today.

 

:)

~

1 person likes this

Share this comment


Link to comment
Claire.

Posted

12 minutes ago, tcgram said:

I do not believe I have any unresolved issues or fears but am still carrying a bit of guilt because I did not realize she was taking a very strong diet pill, along with steroids and asthma meds.

Yes you do. You just admitted to one: Guilt.

Coco Chanel once said: Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death. I suspect you would agree.

How you cope with the shoulda, coulda, wouldas is up to you, but I suggest that you do at least three things: (1) understand that guilt is a normal part of the grieving process, (2) do not allow it to consume you, and (3) do not hesitate to admit that your feelings are irrational (because they are).

You are not responsible for your friend's life choices. I understand that you wish you knew so that you could have intervened in some way, but still...

Place the responsibility where it belongs and free yourself it. It never belonged to you.

4 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
Claire.

Posted

30 minutes ago, third_eye said:

you just made me run out of 'LIKES'

Unlike one or more of the likes you gave me earlier, and give them to TC. :)

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
third_eye

Posted

Just now, Claire. said:

Unlike one or more of the likes you gave me earlier, and give them to TC. :)

Can't do that ... I have a very strict null LIKE Retraction Policy ... take an IOU instead :lol:

~

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
tcgram

Posted

11 minutes ago, Claire. said:

Yes you do. You just admitted to one: Guilt.

Coco Chanel once said: Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death. I suspect you would agree.

How you cope with the shoulda, coulda, wouldas is up to you, but I suggest that you do at least three things: (1) understand that guilt is a normal part of the grieving process, (2) do not allow it to consume you, and (3) do not hesitate to admit that your feelings are irrational (because they are).

You are not responsible for your friend's life choices. I understand that you wish you knew so that you could have intervened in some way, but still...

Place the responsibility where it belongs and free yourself it. It never belonged to you.

You are very right, I totally missed that.   I typed my reply in 3 parts as I had to keep getting off and on the laptop and somehow missed it.  I know that she was a grown woman and would have probably not listened to me had I said something.    

1 person likes this

Share this comment


Link to comment
Claire.

Posted

19 minutes ago, tcgram said:

You are very right, I totally missed that.   I typed my reply in 3 parts as I had to keep getting off and on the laptop and somehow missed it.  I know that she was a grown woman and would have probably not listened to me had I said something.    

I agree that she most likely would have continued doing what she was doing. So please forgive yourself even though there's nothing to forgive.

1 person likes this

Share this comment


Link to comment
Likely Guy

Posted

Each death is different, as is each grief. Some take longer than others.

5 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
FaeryDust

Posted

My life has been tainted with loss through death starting from a very young age of 16 months and going forward. Each one has impacted me differently, and I have often found myself dissecting my grief in much the same way you are now. (Yes, at 16 months I was very much affected by my grandfather's death as he cared for me daily while my mother tended the orchards.  While I likely didn't comprehend what was happening, I was aware that he was no longer there and remember crying often at the discovery that his chair was empty.) 

For me, as Claire pointed out, the loss of friends was very much grieved with the realization that one day, my existence would also cease.  There has also been guilt for the loss of those with whom I felt I might have been able to say, "if only I had  ___________ " and you can fill that in with any number of verbs - known, seen, said, been.... 

Now that I am a bit older and have the experience of losing those who are much younger than I, I have discovered another aspect of their loss that differs greatly from the loss of those older. And it is this:

When my mother and father passed away, I was only in my early 30's. Although I often feel cheated because I lost them at such a young age, it was not so for them because I was born when they were 37 and 40. They had both lived full lives and were 71 and 78 years old.

Earlier this year, we lost our nephew. He was only 15. The grief was more than that of losing someone you love. It wasn't just him that we lost. We also felt the loss of an entire lifetime that he would never get to live. There would be no test for a driver's license, no first job or first car. No high school graduation, no first date, no prom. No college, engagement, wedding, no children. Every hope and dream and imagined future memories for him and his life would ever transpire. He was robbed of living and we were robbed of the ability to share it with him. 

The loss of a life yet to be lived is devastating. 

You mentioned that she had recently divorced and had begun a new life with a new husband. One I am sure she was excited to be sharing with him for many years to come. Perhaps the loss of a future you imagined for her is playing into this as well. 

Regardless, there is no time limit on grieving. Some losses are so deep that you never stop grieving. You just keep cycling through the stages, and get better at coping with them. Don't feel as if you have to get past it or that anything is wrong with you. Don't push it down and ignore it and wait for it to go away. The best thing you can do for yourself is continue to process it. You're heart will heal when it's ready.

3 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
tcgram

Posted

Thank you, my friends for your words of encouragement and insight.   I am very humbled and blessed.

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
acute

Posted

As LG said..... Everyone grieves when they are ready.  It might hit you straightaway, the next day, the next week, or years later, and it will last for as long as you need it to.

3 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
tcgram

Posted

I was talking with some of my coworkers who were also close to my friend and they, too, are experiencing the waves of grief still.  Perhaps that was because we saw her every day and there are a handful of us who hang out when we can outside of work.  

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
regi

Posted

Wouldn't you that know better than anybody else?

.

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
tcgram

Posted

3 hours ago, regi said:

Wouldn't you that know better than anybody else?

.

I was asking because I do not remember going in waves of grief like this before.   

1 person likes this

Share this comment


Link to comment
Likely Guy

Posted (edited)

Grief can beset you but never, ever let it get you down to the point of despair.

You, me and everyone that we love will die someday. That's a fact of what we call 'life'.

Everyone would prefer to die before the other so we don't have to feel the grief and the heartache of 'our' loss.

That's almost a selfish thing, but it's true. ...and we feel guilty for being a survivor. That part is natural.

Edited by Likely Guy
2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment
Darkenpath25

Posted

I dislike that emotion , it usually takes about 6 months , My grammy passed almost 2 weeks ago and its going to take a long time to feel any kind of normal again.

I am sorry for your loss of a friend  TC.

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now