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talking to myself

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Our years are so short and fly by so rapidly


markdohle

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Our years are so short and fly by so rapidly, it is a wonder that I get anything done at all.


Yesterday, I was in a hurry after Vespers, which was early because of the feast day today; St. Benedict.  We had Vespers early at 4 pm instead of 5:20.   After Vespers, I went over to our office to get some paper for our overworked printer.   On the way back, I stopped by our refectory, where we were having pizza to celebrate the day.  I got two slices of cheese pizza, my favorite, on my way back to the retreat house office.  As I was walking down the stairs from our church into our retreat house, with three reams of paper and the pizza, I found it slow going down the stairs.  As I was nearing the bottom, a young lady retreatant looked at me with some alarm and asked if I needed help.  I smiled at her and said, not today, but in a few years, for sure.  We both laughed and went our separate ways.  Ahhh time, it goes so fast.

I can remember when I would take those steps two at a time, and when descending sort of glide/run down the steps without any thought.  Now going up and down makes me smile.  Sort of like getting out of bed in the morning….I always groan a bit, but soon I am ok.  Pain is now a normal part of life for me, where in the past it would come but then go away for long periods of time.  Now, my pain is sort of like an old friend, it is not too bad, just a ‘6’ or a ‘5’.  Easily manageable. 

I have a lot of energy, it is just used differently now.  It is more inward, focused and questioning.  My search for God intensifies as I age, for as I grow in years, I see how important each moment is, even the moments that are either boring or painful.  “Good times, bad times we all of our share”, as the song goes by Led Zeppelin.  In the midst of every moment, I believe there is a response being awaited from me.  Am I going to be awake, or am I just reacting and slumbering through life.

Our years are so short and fly by so rapidly it is a wonder that I get anything done at all.  I don’t want to live to be a hundred, but I don’t want to die anytime soon either.  In my 80’s would be nice.  Sad to say I will not be consulted about my time of death.  Today, or 20 years from now, it will still be ‘now’.  So all I have to do is seek to respond to life in such a way that I will grow in love of God, self, and others. 

I have an old picture in my room, which looks like it was taken in the late 19th century.  Young people, really overdressed compared to today standards and very serious looking.  I guess back then they had to stay very still when the picture was taken.  Looking at the picture it always brings me to the reality that some of them must have lived into old age, yet here I am perhaps 120 years later looking at them.  I also have an old notebook that was used in 1865.  It has a list of things to buy for the farm and some notes on bills that have to be paid.  We each have one life, unique and one day, like those people in the photograph, or the man who filled in some pages on the notebook, I to will be a part of history.

I would think that in a hundred years if the Monastery is still here, they will look at pictures of those of us here now and wonder what we were like.  Most of the monks who were here when I entered, who were for the most part much younger than I am now, are gone, part of the past, yet very much present.  We are planted in the back of our church, I could not forget them if I wanted to.

I rejoice that I am aging, though I can’t say it is pleasant, yet each day I am giving a choice on how to respond to the reality in this really wonderful world we all live in.  The fact that when I look at the time of my death, I can see how little time I have left.  That only makes life more precious and each moment important.  For when I die, I will be judged by love, and love is what we take with us.  I often fail to be loving, or to be awake to what is being asked of me…..yet it is love, eternal love who marches with each of us through this at times dark valley.

 

Lord,

I pray for myself and others,
that as life comes our way
with its ups and downs,
pleasures and pains
we may never lose heart
but take each new step in faith
and make our choices
rooted in deep faith.

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