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talking to myself

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The woman gardener


markdohle

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The woman gardener
(Life and loss hand in hand)

We are having some ‘Master Gardeners’ come in and look over our garden in our retreat house.   It seemed an unknown friend called the Extension Society and recommended that they some send experts out to help us.  After some thought (it did not take much time), I decided that our unknown friend was right, so I said yes, send them out. We have a garden in back of our retreat house.  Our main dining room has a good view of it.  It is one floor down, really I guess level with our basement.  Fr. Bob put the garden together many years ago.  I remember helping him put in some very heavy cement benches that he made.  I assisted him in the pour.  I would say they weighed about 300 lbs.  It was quite a chore putting them in, and they are still there.  Every time I see the benches the memory of the far off day comes to mind.  It also has a raised gold fish pond.  It needs some work.  So I am glad that they are here.  We do have some a landscape crew help with it, but ‘Master Gardeners” could add perhaps a nice touch.  I have put some chairs in the garden and cleaned it up, or others have, and the guests seem to want to use it more.  So I really want to make it more inviting.

I had some corners trimmed back about two months ago and now I would like to clear out some ivy that has taken over those corners.  I would like for people to be able to sit under the trees in the far corners without fear of what might be under the ivy.  Besides, as much as I like ivy, they can take over and do damage to other plants.  I also mentioned that if they think we need some more plants, I would like something low maintenance.  I am not a Gardener, and really don’t like the sun much, well not at all.  I have a live and let
live relationship with our sun, been burnt way too many times   One of the ‘Gardeners’ is a friend of the Monastery, in fact, one of our Lay Cistercians. 

Ed is a very gentle lovable guy who just lost his wife, so I am glad we are staying in contact in this way.  He loves gardening and I am sure he and his friends will give us some good tips.  Among those with him is a woman who is 87 years old.  She has been one of the first to take the course in gardening perhaps 25 years earlier, and from what she told me, it is extensive.  She loves it and it seems to keep her young, for she has a very gentle, outgoing personality. 

I talked with her a bit and she shared some history with me.  Some very painful history.  She has 7 boys and has lost four of them.  Three at the same time in a fishing accident up in Alaska, about 15 years ago (not really sure).  The fourth from pancreatic cancer.  As she was talking, she told me about her relationship with her three remaining sons.  It seems to be a deep one.  She talked about how her three boys have helped her so much by sharing their wisdom with her.  I have a feeling they are just returning the favor, she seems like a stellar mother with a lot of insight.

I was touched by the depth of her faith and how she continues to enjoy life.  Gardening obviously keeps her in touch with nature and quite active.  I was deeply touched by her openness, her humility and the way she loved and respected her children, and had a good relationship with them. 

I told her that I can’t imagine how she got through her losses.  It was her faith, as well as her family that circled around her.  People will share about their loss, but can’t convey really the depth of the suffering they had to go through.  Both she and her family had to go through the valley of death and have come out on the other side, intact, loving and deeply rooted in
life and the wonder of it.  She is of course not afraid of death but also loves life. 

I have other friends who are like that.  Clair and Steve come to mind.  Many who come here for a retreat and share their lives with those around them as well.  It is a safe place for many to be open about what they have gone through.  Some do better than others, but I doubt there is a grading system in how to deal with the losses that all of us will have to go through. 

I suppose that when I meet someone for the first time, I may unconsciously think that their lives have been serene and easy because they smile at me and laugh at my corny jokes.  Yet, when they sit down, there are often tears at the beginning of our talks.  There is no way to compare the burdens that others bear.  We each have our way of dealing with sorrow, or we repress it, which is just another way of dealing with it and is its own form of suffering since it will manifest itself in other ways. 

People do not give themselves credit on how heroic they can be in their lives.  Why?  I guess it is because suffering is as common as dirt, but that does take away from its intensity, nor the courage needed in order to get through it.    While it is true many do become bitter and cynical as their lives move forward, I have found the majority continue in hope and faith.  Life can wear us down, but perhaps the wearing down will one day show the gold that is underneath.  Our choices are so important, to face life and go forward, or to curse and back away.  Yet even those who back away, it can also be needed if further healing comes from it.  If not, well a tree is judged by its fruit.  However, it is understandable that in this world suffering and loss can be a very heavy burden.  It is explicable when some seemed to be crushed by life’s losses.  Yet in God, we live and move and have our being.  If that is true, then there is much not understood about the mystery of our existence.

Life goes one for all of us, the years pile up and soon we find ourselves old and hopefully wiser as we await the ending of our short pilgrimage in this world. 

Salt and Pepper and this and that

It is better to live and exist in this world
with its deep crags and dark paths,
than not to have existed at all.
for there are also high mountains
and peace-filled plateaus traversed,

Family and friends,
and yes enemies as well,
our lives are always salt and pepper,
this and that, opposite sides of a coin,
that draws us out like a poultice over a wound,
reasons often unknown,
but it is in the living that we are transformed,
in hope that we move forward,
and it is with love that we are led to show mercy
and compassion even on those who hate us.

For in the end,
we are really brothers and sisters
on the way as we learn ever more deeply
that we are truly wayfarers
seeking our true home.


 

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