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The Festival for Nothing In Particular

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Taun

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The First Annual UM Nothing In Particular Festival

On August 19th UM hosted its first Annual Nothing In Particular Festival. To help celebrate the glorious day, schools were let out (or would have been if they had been in session), government offices were closed (to great cheering and happiness by the people), popsicle trucks were cleaned, polished and out in force and the Head Inquisitor issued a blanket pardon for all Lurkers who dwell and toil down in the very lowest levels of the vast Lurkers dungeons (of course 5 minutes later the High Inquisitor rescinded the pardons when the ungrateful freed lurkers failed to leave the dungeons in a timely and expeditious manner).

The festivities were well covered by the international press, and great amusement was had by all the staff as they watched the befuddled foreigners try to figure out just what was happening – and most importantly – why.

The days events were kicked off by the first annual “Its About Nothing Parade”… The fifteen mile long parade was made up of over three thousand floats, marching bands, escaped criminals, civic organizations, social clubs, night clubs and billy clubs…

The first group to set off and have the honor of leading the parade was the Local Chapter of the International “Who Really Gives A Darn?” club… Over one hundred members proudly marched along – more or less in step – holding brightly colored banners proclaiming their clubs famous mottos, such as: “Who Me?”, “Who Cares” and of course the world famous  “Yeah, Whatever”... The members quickly became a crowd favorite as they showed a high level of seasonal disdain for the thousands of parade watchers that lined the Great Eastern Promenade. Their signature “rude hand gesture number three” was instantly taken up by the spectators and used cheerfully throughout the rest of the day.

Next up were three floats in rapid succession that set the tone for the type of floats to be seen today. Each of the floats were the product of one or more of UM’s many social clubs, or commercial enterprises, and clearly each one took at least several minutes of work to build. In keeping with the theme of the parade, each float was about nothing in particular; The first float was a well thought out representation of “When Cheese Goes Bad”, presented by the lovely ladies of the UM Silly Hat Croquet Club, followed up with a float that reminds us all to “Trim Those Toenails!” which was presented by the Atomic Weed Whacker Corporation. The last float of the first set was apparently something to do with paper cuts, potatoes and what looked like a giant sponge.. What it stood for, no one knows, as the group that built the float was nowhere to be found…  

For three hours the parade wound its way down the Great Eastern Promenade, delighting the crowd with bright lights, shiny objects and loud off-key brass bands… Several crowd favorites worth mentioning were: The Squiggle Wranglers – leading an assortment of their Show Squiggles on (steel) leashes; The Singing Mimes of Cell Block 19 – doing their rendition of “The Sounds Of Silence”; Four Fingered Frank, the Chainsaw Juggler and his dog Lucky; And The Combined Bong Drum, Castanet and “Mouth-harp” marching bands (see note 1)…  

Even the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet made a guest appearance. Roughly midway through the parade, the 45 brightly painted WWI Surplus Zeppelins wafted along the parade route at an average altitude of 500 Graast (see note 2) showering the spectators with empty beer bottles and pork rind bags, while the captive Polka bands played the Fleets theme song of “Louie Louie”… There was one major mishap with the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet however… One zeppelin, Number 17 – old Gallopin’ Gertie – strayed a bit too close to the Grand Outer Moat and the incessant drone of the engines coupled with the barrage of beer bottles really annoyed Pookie The Moat Monster and, rearing up to his(?) full height (we think it’s his(?) full height anyway – no one is really sure) Pookie gobbled up the unlucky zeppelin like it was a giant Twinkie… The crew and captive polka band managed to parachute to the relative safety of the ground where they were rounded up by security forces and are now awaiting trial for their various crimes, misdemeanors and annoyances caused…

As the last float passed each section of the crowds watching, the spectators flooded out into the street forming a last massive band.. And playing their complimentary “Nothing Day” Kazoos, they blasted out (kazed out?) a three hour long rendition of “Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida” as they marched, lurched, staggered and ambled along the parade route…

But the Parade wasn’t the only event of the day!

Many of UM’s most popular (i.e. least unpopular) politicians and mass media personalities gave many rousing speeches and the hundreds of hastily set up “speech gazebos” sites throughout UM’s vast sprawling complex… For hours these tireless public servants droned on tirelessly – and aimlessly – about “Nothing In Particular”, about how “Nothing is Important” and “Nothing Matters”… Teeming crowds of dozens of listeners surround each speaker and dutifully greeted each fiery turn of phrase with cheers, applause and no few Bronx Cheers…

Uncountable numbers of merchants set up booths and sold Nothing to the crowds of festival attendees who – always looking for a bargain – happily paid for their “Nothings” with nothing… Of course taxes were paid on all the many purchases, and many UM citizens learned that back when the Mayor ran on a platform of “Nothing will be heavily taxed”.. She actually meant it!

As the days festivities wound to a gradual stop, the many citizens who found themselves newly indentured due to the heavy taxes on their purchases of Nothing, also found themselves impressed as street sweepers and billboard washers as they attempted to work off their tax debt… But no one really minded, since the filthy streets are actually much cleaner than the cells and oubliettes the citizens actually live in…

All-in-all it was a respectable first outing for one of this type – few cultures could have successfully pulled off a celebration of Nothing In Particular quite as well as UM!

Note 1 - For those that don't know - this is a "Mouth harp"

Spoiler

 

Note 2 - The Imperial Graast is a precision unit of measure used at UM and is equal to the (more or less) linear distance that a heavily inebriated person can stagger in 15 minutes.


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third_eye

Posted

Oh no ... Pookie ate the zeppelin

:(

~
 

Spoiler

*uhmmm ... 'Pookie' in the Malay/Indonesia Language is something rather related to 'fornication'

 

:D

~

 

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Taun

Posted

47 minutes ago, third_eye said:

Oh no ... Pookie ate the zeppelin

:(

~
 

  Hide contents

*uhmmm ... 'Pookie' in the Malay/Indonesia Language is something rather related to 'fornication'

 

:D

~

 

I did not know that about the Malay Lang... My command of Malay is slightly worse than my knowledge of the language of the builders of Stonehenge...

Pookie gets his(?) name from a friend who had a pet hedgehog with that name - she knows even less Malay than I do...

And don't worry too much about his(?) eating the zeppelin... Just the right amount of roughage in his(?) diet - and the Great Outer Moat is heavily seeded with Bicarbonate of soda every other month - so Pookie will be fine!

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third_eye

Posted

That's a relief ... :D

~

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ouija ouija

Posted

Hi Taun, it was I great day and I'm already looking forward to the next one. If I may be so bold as to point out a teeny-weeny mistake in your otherwise excellent report: as a member of the club, can I just say that it is the UM Silly Hat Crochet(not Croquet) Club? I think you'll agree that there's no sillier hat than a crochet hat! :lol:

CrochetSharkHat1.jpg

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Taun

Posted

The  official name is "Croquet" (on the forms anyway) since the ladies wear the hats while playing full contact - jungle rules croquet (a mixed martial arts here at UM)

Note on the hat - Nice representation of a Southern Tunguska Grey Squiggle!

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Lilly

Posted

My favorite was Four Fingered Frank, the Chainsaw Juggler and his dog Lucky. I was very glad that he did not become Three Fingered Frank, or his dog become known as 'Old One Ear'.

As for the meaning of "Pookie" in Malay...I had no idea. I suspect my friend's elderly mother, whose little dog is in fact named "Pookie", has no idea either.

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tcgram

Posted

3 hours ago, Taun said:

And don't worry too much about his(?) eating the zeppelin... Just the right amount of roughage in his(?) diet - and the Great Outer Moat is heavily seeded with Bicarbonate of soda every other month - so Pookie will be fine!

I hope that Bicarbonate of soda kicks in soon.....we are still cleaning up beer bottles that Pookie has continued to belch.   

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Taun

Posted

1 hour ago, tcgram said:

I hope that Bicarbonate of soda kicks in soon.....we are still cleaning up beer bottles that Pookie has continued to belch.   

He(?) just does that for fun...

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ChaosRose

Posted

In keeping with the spirit of being about Nothing, entertainment included the annual Seinfeld marathon. 

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ChaosRose

Posted

Of course, after dark, it devolved into a Festivus pole dancing contest. Ah well. 

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tcgram

Posted

On 8/25/2017 at 3:55 PM, Taun said:

He(?) just does that for fun...

Ah, that makes sense.   But what do we do with the shoes then??  

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Taun

Posted

1 hour ago, tcgram said:

Ah, that makes sense.   But what do we do with the shoes then??  

Rummage sale!

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