I wonder
I often wonder what it will be like for me when I get old. As I take care of my patients I often picture myself in their position in the not so distant future, and wonder if I won’t be saying over and over again “so that was what it was like”.
Last night trying to clean Edmund, he got very angry at me, since he had no idea what I was doing. He did not want me to take off his wet clothes, or clean him. I spent about 30 minutes just talking softly to him, explaining what I was doing, which at first did no good whatsoever. It is difficult to sometimes do what must be done when the one being helped does not understand. He finally calmed down, and even helped me; I guess his short term memory can sometimes be helpful, since I am sure the memory would be a painful one for him if he retained it.
Old age is a challenge for all involved, the relationship complex and trying, but at the same time enriching for the care giver and at times for the one receiving the care. One learns to let go, if that is possible, the other, the caregiver, learns patience, and hopefully the ability to try to listen on a deeper level, that is often needed for those who have not yet reached that stage in life, where everything has to be done for them.
Edmund at this time can only eat soft foods, he is starting to have trouble swallowing so he needs to be hand fed. We give him oatmeal, eggs, mashed potatoes; well anything soft and easily chewable, will little chance of choking, and he does not seem to mind the change in diet. As usual his appetite is still good.
I will continue to wonder what it will be like when I am there needing help. Sometimes I am peaceful about it, at others times fear rears its head to sneer at me. Such is our journey, being a pilgrim is not easy, but that seems to be what we are.
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