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My Visit To Hell (the cigarettes sucked)

Posted by _Only , 06 August 2012 · 664 views

"You wanted a vacation, so we sent you to Hell."

Probably.. well, definitely, the biggest night of my life wasn't too long ago. It was in February of this year, if my densely fogged memory serves me (I at least seem to remember the important things in my life).

It was a night (well, 2 really) of dreams: some asleep, some awake, some somewhere in-between the two. Which was odd enough in itself, because save the rare nightmare I woke up from, I hadn't recalled dreaming in years. But a big flow busted out at this time.

It started when one night in February I was laying down listening to music. I remember thinking how nice it was, and that I haven't done this in awhile. I started to feel very happy (was a rare event), and  started singing with the album I was listening to (some Pearl Jam album); like really belting it out. I remember it was so freeing and just, good. This was the last thing I remember before I apparently drifted off to sleep.

That was also apparently the last moment I was the old me.

***I am in outer space, looking out at something, just seeing it through my "eyes"***

I'm pretty sure that it was Earth I was looking down at. I can only vaguely remember remember being there, and can't recall what I exactly saw. But I recall hearing the lyrics to the song I was listening to in that bed, though I was outside of time and space at the moment in the dream. I get a bit of a scared feeling thinking about it, because I'm listening to the random album that had come up during my sleep state on that night right now (Marcy Playground MP3) as I write this, with relevant lyrics drifting by that give me chills. I think this might be the first time I have listened to this since that night, oddly. And while I might have forgotten the dream itself save a snapshot or two, I know I will never forget the feeling I had. It was a very dreamy, free feeling with a thick associated sense of revelation. I woke up in wonder and amazement, and started crying. Not just crying, like bawling, in happiness. I hadn't done that in forever it seemed. That wasn't me to have a feeling like that.

I remember just laying back in wonder at what I had just experienced. I had no idea, to be honest. Maybe I had some bit more of an idea at that time, but if so I have since lost it, and any recollection of it. I just remember the feeling of awe and happiness. I had never felt the feeling before. I found myself continuing listening to the album now that I was awake, and I found a sublime meaning in all of the lyrics. This also amazed my often overly analytical mind in how that was happening. So I decided to pop in a CD to see if this feeling of cohesion continued. Well, it did, and I had a wild ride in my mind listening to that from start to finish.

I laid back after, and put in another CD. I couldn't get enough. But during this time I found that my thinking of all that had just happened was interrupting my listening "session", so I had to just get up and figure out what had just happened. I remember sitting up in bed and writing a few things down (I don't feel comfortable saying what I wrote here, though I'm not really sure why). After, I looked about my room. and still remember the sense of amazement I got when I saw everything in my room. It was all as it normally is, but I saw it all in a new light. Every object was connected to me through meaning in some very real and powerful way. Every old, dusty DVD case laying on my shelf, soda can on my desk, book title, paper, icon on my computer desktop, etc. It all had a personal connection I could see to me, they all said something about me.

This moment, unlike the outer space dream, is still in my memory, though again, I don't remember what I saw in each object and what it meant to me. I just remember the associated feelings, along with the snapshots. But this was just the beginning of my best dream ever.

As I sat marveling at all that had just happened, staring off into the air in my room, I continued to think. I started to notice I was thinking some great, intelligent thoughts. So intelligent that I was thinking "how the hell did I know that" or "where did that come from". It was at this point that some voice (my identical, yet separate "mind's voice") answered me saying that it was them who had come up with that. As soon as I started to pay attention to it and understand what it was saying to me, separating its "voice" from my own, I came to realize that there were different "voices" coming in my mind, with their own thoughts and personalities. When I realized (by them telling me) that they all were "in here", I got so amazed (I'm sorry for continuing to repeat this word) and noticed a powerful feeling of happiness and "oneness". They were also all so happy, and so nice to me and each other. There was an undeniable sense of love and happiness between all, and I felt as though they were helping me. Everyone was helping each other. They were all so nice in helping me realize their existence, and seemed so happy at watching me slowly come to understand this situation.

I can't recall nearly all of what was said at this time between us all, but the general flow was me thinking, them giving input (or fixing where necessary), and us discussing after. The few bits I remember are very dreamy, surreal things, though (and a bit embarrassing to reveal because they seem so silly writing out). I remember at some point one of the voices said "you wanted a vacation" (which I had been thinking repeatedly over the past week or two) "so we sent you to Hell".

But what I found odd was although I was certain that this "place" (I think of it as a dimension, for lack of a better word, because the setting was my every day normal world, yet very different in perception) was indeed named Hell as they told me, it was a place of such happiness and love between all, where all shared their minds, literally. It seemed the exact opposite of the place usually connected to that famous name. I remember asking why this place was called Hell. They told me it was a place that those in control put people that were considered a threat, or dangerous. At some point I asked about the music lyrics I had heard, why they had such meaning all of a sudden. They said that the artists who wrote those words were from this "place", and I was seeing what the songs really were written about, and what they really meant. They also told me (this part feels silly to recount) that I was needed to hear the music for them, and translate it for them through my hearing it in my mind. If I heard it through my perception, those who couldn't hear it in that way, could too. They also said I was to go back to my "world" and listen and watch all of the things that I normally see, but with my new "sight", or perception. I was to be their eyes and ears of sorts, mostly in art. Which brings me to my next moment of wonder and amazement at this new world "Hell" I had been given a free trip to.

I slowly came to realize that this world was a place firmly grounded in the arts. It was a world of artists and free spirits. Such a free "species" of loving joyous artists of different types. This moment hit me hardest when I left my room and went outside to the living room, where the TV was on. The oddest thing was on the TV. It was some type of abstract, surreal performance piece. Dancers on stage wearing the oddest outfits (I remember them being sort of flower like) were doing a beautiful dance. As I watched and wondered why this seemed so weird and different from what I have seen before, one of the voices inside said this was for me. I got emotional and looked away in embarrassment as I realized this was some type of welcoming ceremony (I know, silly again, but this was the experience). The voice said "it's okay, we understand" and I knew they understood my feelings at that moment, as if they knew me so well, which I'm sure they did. I peeked back as the "play" ended and some credits rolled. The names were such odd names. I can't remember the names, but just remembered they were very odd types of names I hadn't seen before.

I remember watching the commercials start after and being intrigued after coming to realize that this was their broadcasting in their world. In ways it was so similar to "ours", but the subject matter was so different. I remember one vividly, because it was so odd. It was a public service announcement that had a dramatization of a crime scene chalk outline at night and creepy vibe police officers walking about. The commercial explained (okay, this is again in ridiculous territory to recount) that murders happen every day. But are made to look like fatal drunk driving accidents by those "in control", and the police play a part in this. It was all explained in such a normal, matter of fact way. That was apparently how some victims end up in this "place". It's all about lies against them to segregate them from the others. It was such a surreal sight to see a "public service announcement" saying this, like these were every day normal issues that they deal with in this world, like we deal with second hand smoke, or staying drug free.

I talked (or "thought") with these natives longer. Again, I don't remember nearly all of what we talked about, but found out that there were multiple types (or "races") of beings here, and that they were at war. I didn't really get a good vs. evil vibe (I think, it's foggy), but I just knew that this "race" that I was talking to was who I feel I would side with if given the choice. They just seemed to have totally different views and ways of being that weren't cohesive. So (last silly thing I'll recall here, I think) they told me that they had brought me here for another reason also. They needed me to make a song for them, that would be integral in their final battle. This humbled me, and I told them that I hadn't played any musical instruments for years, couldn't sing well, was a sub-par music writer at best, and hadn't even messed with any music making type activities for years. One of the voices reminded me of a song I had, the day before, randomly and uncharacteristically started to create on a Guitar Pro program I had for years, as an example that I am not all as bad as I think I am. I told "him" that that was just a silly little song that wasn't even good. He said "just listen to it now. go, listen". I did, and it was amazing. Music had a different feel (as everything) in this "world". I still felt silly and unsure that I was the person they should be asking to do this for them. I really didn't think I would be able to do it, especially in the grand scale that they explained what it would be for.

I remember going outside to smoke a cigarette. There was a really odd smell in the air. I didn't like it, but it fascinated me. Maybe a sulfur like smell. The night air was so still and quiet. There was a lot to this "world" here I didn't know. I remember thinking this cigarette tasted awful. I think one of the voices told me these were all they had for cigarettes in Hell. I looked at the pack and they were normal Marlboros. Then I remember thinking how Marlboros from Burma (that a friend brought back once and gave us packs of) tasted awful, too. This thought made me laugh inside as I equated cigarettes from Hell just another version, like from Burma.

Well this all winded down at some point and I found myself back in bed. I was struggling at this point to get back to sleep. The reason being that I was still hearing the voices. Well, not so much hearing them was the problem. But it was them being able to hear me, and their reactions that was keeping me up. I kept thinking things in my head (in a very tired in and out state), and would hear back unknown voices responding. I don't remember all, but one "set" of voices I don't think I'll ever forget. One asked "who is that? and something like "what is wrong with him?", to which I replied in my head "sorry, I'm just thinking. I'm not used to this", while another voice said "be easy on him. he's new". The first replied "oh, he's brand new?". The rest was horrible, as what started as somewhat curious voices that didn't understand who I was, soon started to get annoyed and angry that I wouldn't stop "talking", and this mortified me. The thought that they somehow could control the transmission, if you will, of their "speaking" (as I started to find that all communication was done through the mind in this world), while I seemed to have no "off switch". I was trying so hard not to think, which we all know is just not possible when stressed. I kept apologizing, and saying I was just trying to go back to sleep. This "place" I was in seemed different from the last. It almost seemed I was on the outskirts of this world, for some reason, with unknown beings. They weren't bad or good, just unknown. At some point, an inner voice that seemed familiar to the first group of voices I "met" (the loving ones) arrived and told me in a worried but stern way that I was saying too much to random people. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't trying to. I think he talked with the "randoms" trying to cover for what I had been thinking, and it seemed to work. He then asked me if I was really ready for this. I can't recall my answer, but I remember the feeling of wanting to not give up so strongly. I wanted to help and was willing to do whatever it took. I vaguely remember something about him saying I would need to be isolated somewhere, and I think I followed somewhere off as I wandered off into another dream.

I can't recall any more dreaming, but I made it back to sleep and when I woke up I had the task of trying to process all that just happened. I was so confused from all that I had seen and felt, that was now gone as I was back in the only world I had known my whole life until the past night. I just remember the next night seemed the shadow to my light of dream experiences. This night I had the worst nightmare, but not of the traditional, usual sort. This wasn't a fear nightmare I had, but one of hopelessness and sadness.

Again, details are foggy, but I remember I was very confused in this dream. I was in my room, and could sense two couples (2 boys and 2 girls) outside in the living room, calling for me to join them. They were wanting to help me understand all of this, trying to help me, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. They told me to just keep trying, to figure it out. That they had, but I needed to figure this out. I was getting increasingly hopeless and angry that I couldn't, and they kept calling for me to come join them outside but I was too scared to (more like ashamed or embarrassed; it was all too real for me to show myself to them in this moment of weakness. I was supposed to join them, as we were chosen to be the 5 that would sacrifice ourselves for all of the others. We were to go on a journey that would end up in us being burned individually at certain spots, and this would save everyone from dying in some cataclysmic "falling of fire from the skies", and the ground falling beneath us all. Well, they eventually got ready to leave as I was struggling to get the courage to join them. They said they would be right back, and I should just take it easy for a few, and they will be return. I felt ashamed when they left that I had been too weak to join them, but them leaving gave me the want to join them when they came back.

I remember leaving the house and going around the corner. I returned later, and once I got inside the emptiness of the house sunk in so powerfully. I waited awhile for them to return. Determination and hopefulness started to fade. They were replaced with paranoia that maybe they weren't coming back. Back in my room, I got the sense of someone telling me to bring out the bag of skeletons in my closet, and to join him and get in the car waiting outside for me, to take me to join the others.  I went to my closet and found a bag in there (that is in there in "real life") and had 4 significant items in them that stood for something. One was a remote control, one was a pair of noise reducing earmuffs, and the other two I can't remember). I grabbed this bag, and ran outside after hearing a honk... to find no car waiting for me. Utter despair.

I went back inside, and it quickly got extremely dark. And the rain came. Such a heavy rain. I remember looking at the backyard and the water was so high that it seemed it was flooding. Sadness took over. I came to find that the voice calling me to the car was my soul. They had tricked me, and taken my place to join the 4 others. I had been left for dead here, alone, in the dark, very cold rain. I had a back and forth with this "soul" of mine that continued to mock me and urge me to go catch him. That "she" was waiting for us to come find her, and that she would choose one of us to be "hers". He was telling me to come on, that he had such a head start and was far more fit to make it than me. I felt so hopeless and was scared to even go out and try to find whoever "she" was in the cold, dark rain. At some point I gave up, and laid in bed, extremely cold, and drifted off.

Ironically, this was my real "Hell" dream. I saw this place as my "Hell".

Such an awe inspiring best dream I've ever had, followed by the absolute worst dream I've ever had the next night. What did it all mean? I have no idea. But the part that makes them that much more amazing and life changing, is because somehow they were, in fact, life changing. After I woke up the next morning, I had a completely different outlook on myself and life. While I had been devoid of emotions for so so long, I was now filled with them. I was feeling love and pain freely, and often. Things around me still had meaning that I hadn't seen previously. While this slowly faded (the meaning all around me), it still exists today for me in all music I hear. This is why I have come to absolutely adore music. I hear things that speak to me in such a  personal, meaningful way that it is mind blowing. This, along with my total 180 of state of mind is making me a new person, making changes I thought I never would or could, and it is getting more interesting and good as the days go by. I don't know what brought all this on exactly, but I am so grateful to be allowed on the ride. Did I have a symbolic death through dream that took me to other places in my mind/reality? Did I really die? :P

I'll just say that love is everywhere, in and outside of us. And I think "love" is someone. Or everything. Well, both. And I think the sun may somehow be involved. Otherwise, I don't know why I love it so much. But I know it is our star, and that we and our world is made of star matter. And I know I love the sun. But what is a star, really? Beyond the physical gasses? This I wonder about.

I am loving the natural world around me more and more every day, and am starting to feel major change in my outlook and the way I am, just through attitude and perception. I hope everyone goes through this same changing. And that we don't stop until we get where we all need to be.

Aug 06 2012 10:38 AM
...too much to read.
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Aug 06 2012 06:35 PM
cool story. do you think it was just a dream? or more?
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I think it was both a dream, and something more. I believe those others in my head are real existing beings (who they are exactly I don't know), but I think the things they told me were symbolic or just said to evoke certain feelings, not that I'm really needed to do any grandiose things for them. Sometimes I like to wonder if it was a real place I arrived at, and that I might return again to become a part of the whole. Then I wonder if maybe I'm there right now, but I am just blocking it out.
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