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and this too shall pass... or so they say.

Posted by willowdreams , in Personal blog 16 February 2013 · 455 views

It has been a hard few months for me, starting with Dec 24, 2012.

First off.. I was sick for almost 4 weeks with that bronchial cough stuff many of us get in winters that once begins, lasts all freaking winter.. What I hate is that doctors will tell you to 'cough', yes, it lasts for weeks, but it seems they desire you to cough in order to get that ugh stuff out of you. I get it, I understand it, I do not like it.

I would have been fine, like I am every winter, except that I somehow got 'sick' with a virus of some sorts, yes yes, in winter one should expect this, but I alas, felt the bronchitis had just gotten worse and maybe got a chest cold.

I noticed the more I drank the more I coughed, so I stppped drinking as much, as I work 8 hours a day talking on the phone and needed to talk.. I dehidrated myseld, and the virus made me sicker and sicker, and O M G i lost a LOT of potassium it seems.

Well there is something about a virus that can cause cong. heart failure, mixed with extremly low postassium, it would seem I had a double whammy and they are surprised I made it! seems most of the time pple have a massive heart attack at this time and it would seem that many die from it.

Here is what I learned..

I really do not fear death.

I do nto WANT to die, I want to live, I seriously mean it when I say I want to live hundreds if not thousands of years.. yes I know that is not going to happen, but it is what I want.

I am NOT afraid of dying, and I will tell you why.

I think death is nothnig. You know nothing, you feel nothing, it is nothing. Every time I have surgery, they give me whatever it is to knock me out and it seems within a span of closing and opening my eyes, it is done and over with. I have no concept of time passing, nothing, nada.

That is how I see death.

No, I am not afraid of death, but I would like to avoid it.

It is the leading up to death that now terrifies the crap out of me.

I woke up the morning of Dec 14, about 4ish the first time... i woke up feeling like I had stppped breathing and it took me a moment to remember how to breath . I could breathe, but only a small bit, only enough to be there.. to move a bit. I could not breathe enough to cry out, hollar.. or just get my breath enough to even choke out words.. I also had to pee so bad I was afraid of doing it in bed, somehow I made it the 12 to 15 steps to the bathroom and got on the toilet to do my business.. i remember seeing the clock, and I remember doing my business and looking at the clock and finding almost 30 min had passed.. 30 min to do a 4 min job.. and i sat on the bed and sobbed and sobbd and sobbed, the dogs heard me and woke up johnny, he came to see what stirred them and i was breathing a tiny bit better, could talk.. and i told him what happened, he was concerned, but thought maybe i had a bad dream or miss judged the clock.. you know? I think I fell asleep while talking to him, when I opened my eyes next it was 7ish, I made it to toilete again, but this time i felt danger. I felt weird, i could not gasp enough to groan.. just get in enough air to not pass out.. i pounded on the walls knowing this would excite the dogs into a frenzy (any knocking gets them to barking).. my son came in and saw me..he got a scared look on his face, I was white as a sheet, he could see i barely could brethe and he said my breathing sounded funny to him, like i was gurgling a bit.

He got me out of the bathroom, and just found my panties, shirt and pants and somehow got me into them, slid on my shoes with no socks.. he was dressed far faster and within 5 min of that, had me in the ER.

I do not remember overly much of that time other then they said something bout oxygen down to 20, and suddenly i have oxygen over my face, being wheeled in and put through this donut.. iv's in both arms.. questions about being so sick, virus, blood work being done, OMG sounds of potassium being low and doctor saying when potassium gets that low, people die, dehydration, cong. heart failure, virus. three combinations you do not want at the same time.

I remember asking if I would make it to work later, as I needed to be at work by 2pm, and the doctor saying 'not if you want to live'.

I remember thinking at the time of 'terminator'.. 'Come with me if you want to live'.

Then I remember pills, shots, iv fluids and peeing every 15 min, but my son was there to help me back and forth to the bathroom, then breathing treatments for the bronchitis..

After peeing and getting the fluid off my lungs and elsewhere, and some kind of meds for the infection, within about 3 hours I was able to breathe sooooooooo much better, felt a LOT better.. but alas they would not let me go home yet, because as they said, the viral infection needs watched, as they need to make sure I am taking the right meds for it, bronchitis needs more treatment, my potassium needs to go up up, and I need to pee the fluids out of me, while still drinking water and taking iv for dehydration (that was a weird one, but i admit.. whatever they gave me for both, did make me feel more alert and a lot better)..

It would also seem that fluid on the lungs.. is not the same thing as not being dehydrated.. I cannot seem to wrap myself around that concept at all.

They finally let me go home on the 17th, I am a bad bad patient, wasnt sleeping well there, wasnt eating much.. i do not do well in a hospital.. they make me nervous. I cannot relax, so after my potassium got to normal levels, and I was breathing, and it was declared I would not be left 'alone' at home, they allowed me to go home, otherwise for a week or two I would have had to go to some other place, a more home invironment that is a medical place, but my son said he would be home with me the whole time.

I was allowed to go back to work, but was on winter layoff so had two weeks of recovery at home before going to work

I am on a butt load of pills. My heart went into afib on the 14th of dec, and it never left it.. so I am on twice the med i was on before then for the afib, and i take this blood thinner and now I fiind i bruise sooo easily.. my cat jumped on me from a window the other day.. i have a perfect paw print bruise on my leg..

i find i still tire sooo easily and all my doctor says is 'listen to your body, if you need a nap, take a nap'.. that is hard to do when i need to work 8 hours a day.

I wsas all upset over the cong heart failure, i told my doctor 'i am not even 50 yet, not till june', and he was like 'it does not matter the age,e if you are dehydrated, if your potassium level goes as low as yours did, you will either suffer from a massive heart attack, die or have cong heart failure, no matter the age!'.. bah..

Then I find out my neighbor fell down on the floor at her home with cong heart failure, no one was there to hear her pound on the floor, other then her several dogs.. and she laid there on the floor unable to get her breath enough to get up.. for two days before family found her.

she was in the hospital for weeks.. she almost died. I am lucky, my son was there to be woken up by the dogs.. we will always have at least one dog in our house.. small or big..  they can be life savers!

both my son and daughter are getting outside the house jobs.. because I am always in afib now and such.. my daughter got me a new cell phone, i do not care for those stupid smart phones.. i only want a phone to call out, get calls, give simple txt msges and have voice mail.. all that other crap i do nothing with.. i had an android.. not once was i able to answer the phone when someone called, it took me to damn long to shift over that bar thing, then figure out which button that pops up to press.. and answer, byt htne they hung up or it went to voicemail.. i never ever used the net on that phone, did not care to, did not want to.. i gave it to my son who loves the thing.. my daughter has a fancy shmancy smart phone which looks alll weird to me, keyboard that slides out the side and all, my supervisor called me on it once, my daughter handed it to me already answered.. but i could not figure out how to hang up.. i heard laughing on the other end of the phone as i was htinking the phone was voice activated and kept saying 'hang up' 'call end' et et.. finally my daughter took pity and got the phone from me and hung it up.

SOOOOOOOOOO she found me a simple phone with large number pads that only does the tings i need, and it as an SOS button on back.. if i wake up hurt/sick/not able to breath and no one is home as they are at work.. i can press the button on back of phone and it calls four pple on my list of my choosing, and an emergency service thing with my phone provider.. so she feels safer now when leaving me alone.

i am happy. no more figuring out how to answer or hang up.

If i want to be online, check email.. have long txt convo's, then i will log online with my net book!

The snapfon is all i need for inbound/outbound/voicement and txt tht i need.

I want to feel better though, everyone says when winter is over.. sun is shining, to sit out on the front porch for an hour or so.. indirect sunlight hitting me.. and i will feel better. These dark dreary rainy days on top of the health isssue has me not feeling well, and probably feeling worse than I really am

They are probably right, I need some sunshine.

Maybe I need to one day just lay down and cry it all out, I have not really cried over this winter at all, just been muddling through day by day by day

And I admit I do nto sleep well, I am so afraid to fall asleep. I know I am not in heart failure now, I see my doctor, i take my meds.. I am breathing quite well.. but.. I am still terrified of waking up not able to catch my breath. that fear even invades my dreams. So I have been reading at night till I can barely see or hold my head up, and then just going to sleep from sheer exhaustion.

I know eventually the fear will be gone, it is already starting to lesson. If I can go to bed while my two kids are still up and watching tv, making noise.. and I leave my light on.. I can go to sleep and sleep easily.. but if i wake up to pee and the lights are out, they are in bed... then it is almost impossible to get back to sleep.

But it is getting better.. as they say

.... and this too shall pass.

  You need to take care of yourself no matter what you have. It is often said that the adventure and lesson is in the journey not the destination. For death to me is nothing more than a transition into something greater than what we currently perceive.

  Life no matter what has many things to teach, to look in the deepest part of yourself, is usually the most terrifying experience that most people will ever have, because we don’t know what we will find, and if it is ugly we don’t want to face it.

  The fear most people feel from that comes from trying to understand and accept that part of themselves.  Many people go through life doing all they can to hide that part of them, putting on a false mask because they fill it is expected of them. Find your own way and find your truths and except all part of yourself without question. Basically I guess what I am saying is don’t fear the journey.
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