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Faith and Madness

Posted by lizzieboo , 19 September 2012 · 432 views

If you are an atheist or agnostic, you might want to pass on this entry.

I am a woman of faith. I call myself Christian but I don't belong to any church or denomination; rather, I try to follow the teachings of Christ as they relate to the treatment of my fellow beings and the way I conduct myself as I go about the business of living. And I revere some of the teachings of other prophets, such as Buddha, Mohammed, and others. Basically, I believe in a Creator who is loving and patient toward His creations. But my religious beliefs aren't really the main focus here. Today, I need to share some thoughts related to bipolar II disorder, and how it only recently intersected with my faith.

I've been having a very bad time of it lately. People with bipolar disorder, like those with certain other forms of mental illness, have what the doctors call "triggers." These are situations or events that precipitate episodes of mania (hypomania/anxiety in my case) or depression. A recent event in my life happens to be my primary trigger--something that could easily send me over the edge either way.

Despite my faith, I realized just moments ago that, while I pray often (well, not so much pray, as talk to the Creator), I have never turned my bipolar II disorder over to God. I have spoken of my condition with countless people over the years, and have sought help and solace from many (some of whom are members of UM). And recently, I have begun to experience tremendous guilt for being such a burden to family, other loved ones, and friends both old and new...all the people over the years to whom I've turned when I'm either paralyzed with anxiety or sunk in the blackest depression.

But I've never said, "God, I can't do this anymore without Your help. I need You to help me bear this burden so that I don't get lost in the darkness of insanity, unable to find my way back to the light." Until today.

I'll let you know how it goes.

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