Shopping Trip!
Posted by tcgram , Yesterday, 06:19 AM
Chi-Town Bound!
Posted by tcgram , 18 November 2009 - 06:07 PM
GERD...
Posted by tcgram , 15 November 2009 - 01:21 AM
The Final Analysis
Posted by tcgram , 02 November 2009 - 11:56 AM
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Forgive them, anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind, anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies.
Succeed, anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you.
Be honest and frank, anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.
Build, anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, there may be jealousy.
Be happy, anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good, anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give the world the best you've got, anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them, anyway.
- Eight of the original Ten Paradoxical Commandments by Kent M. Keith, 1968. Adopted by Mother Teresa and posted on the wall of a children's home in Calcutta.
Women tell what they want in a man....
Posted by tcgram , 26 October 2009 - 02:10 PM
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking-prefer hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at Denny's on occasion
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it is a weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
Posted by tcgram , 23 October 2009 - 10:28 AM
#9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
#8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
#7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
#6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
#5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
#4. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
#3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
#2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you...
And the Number 1 Drawback to Working in a Cubicle:
#1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out!
Happy Friday everyone!!
Things to Ponder....
Posted by tcgram , 18 October 2009 - 06:25 PM
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. Can I yell 'movie' in a crowded firehouse?
4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
6. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient' fee on money they already know you don't have?
16. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. What happened to the first six 'ups'? (Talking about 7UP)
20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
23. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
24. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
27. How come there aren't B batteries?
28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
29. How do 'Do not walk on the grass' signs get there?
30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
31. Is a metaphor like a simile?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
34. How is it possible to have a civil war?
35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
42. Crime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?
43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
44. How can there be self-help 'groups'?
45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
46. How do you throw away a garbage can?
47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
52. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
53. What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours?
54. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
55. Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong?
58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
61. How do you remove a club soda stain?
62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
64. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Things you'd love to say at work but can't...
Posted by tcgram , 14 October 2009 - 03:54 PM
Do I look like a people person?
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Fun things to do during boring sermons
Posted by tcgram , 13 October 2009 - 02:28 AM
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with ten points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
Speeding
Posted by tcgram , 11 October 2009 - 06:55 PM
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"
Driver: "Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: "Sir, may I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.
Captain: "Whose car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car.
Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"
Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."
Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
Driver: "Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too..."
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