'The Theory of Everything, The Adventures of Zarkor and Zerak', Part Two
Zarkor, Zerak and the Swami are in the Lightship eagerly awaiting the result of the The Theory of Everything algorithm computations. The Swami has a computer screen in front of him which is interfaced with the Lightship's main computer. Excitement is in the air as they eagerly anticipate the ship's computer to conclude its calculations and provide the answer to this monumental question that may explain the meaning of Existence Itself. Zarkor, hovering in enthusiastic expectation, asks the Swami...
"So Swami, has the computer found the solution to the Theory Of Everything yet?"
"The answer should be here in a TP. Exciting isn't it, Zarkor?"
"Yeah, even more so than my first mating experience! Well...maybe not that exciting."
"How about you, Zerak? the Swami asks. "This could revolutionize the world-view of every sentient being in the Universe! I wonder how the Galactic Stock-market will react?"
"I can hardly wait...I guess," adds Zerak. "Hmm...as for the Stock-market, it could be an advantage to those privy to this information. Do you invest, Swami?"
"Not at the moment, Zerak...but I'm considering."
Zerak watches the Swami closely and considers the Swami's possible true motives in perusing the project. Zerak becomes uneasy at the prospect of the Swami being the sole possessor of this perhaps vital information concerning all Existence.
"Well, I'm excited," says Zarkor, hovering around the room expectantly. "Do you know what this could mean?"
"We get sued for false advertising?" asks Zerak.
The Swami scowls. "Disbelievers will fall by the wayside with the Cosmic significance of this discovery!", the Swami declares triumphantly.
Zarkor turns to Zerak. "See Zerak, it's Cosmic!"
"I thought it would be," Zerak says sarcastically..
The Swami looks at the computer screen expectantly, then says excitedly, "I think the solution is coming in now! Hmm..."
"What is it, Swami?!" asks Zerak.
"It seems to be some sort of message," the Swami says, puzzled.
"Message?" asks Zarkor.
"Yes," says the Swami. "This is strange. Very strange. Not what I thought it would be at all."
"Well, whats the message?!" Zerak demands.
The Swami looks up in perplexidy, then exclaims, "It's a message from the Vulgarians!!"
"The Vulgarians?!" Zarkor shouts, bobbing around the room uncontrollably. "Then it's true! The Vulgarians did create the universe!"
"Out of pointless spite, as the legends tell," Zerak adds. "So what does the message say, Swami?"
"It says..."My clever friend, you have discovered the Theory Of Everything! And that Everything is We, the Vulgarians!! We did create your universe out of pointless spite, as we have programmed you to theorize! (This message has been imbedded in said Universe using Cosmo-cription Software, created by Cosmic Technologies, Inc. All rights reserved.) Further instructions to follow.""
"What does it mean, "further instructions to follow"?! asks Zarkor, astounded.
The Swami is perplexed, and looks at Zerak. "This is not what I expected!. I expected...expected...well...some useful answer! Some method that could promote unity and enlightenment! Or at least a profit...err...This is ridiculous! How dare the Vulgarians appropriate the meaning of all Existence to their evil ends!"
Zarkor seems disheartened. "What happened to all the Cosmic stuff? What good is the Theory Of Everything if it's not Cosmic?! I'm going to take a nap, Zerak. This is becoming boring."
"Don't you even want to hear what the further instructions are, Zarkor?" asks Zerak.
"Nah. You know I never follow instructions. I never even read instructions."
"How true, how true,"agrees Zerak.
"If I may interject a thought here." says the Swami. "If the Vulgarians did encrypt a message into the fabric of our universe, why leave it in so obscure a place as this TOE algorithm? I mean, why wait 14 billion Grand Time Periods for it to be discovered? Why not just write it in the sky or something." The Swami ponders this for a moment. "This looks suspicious to me."
"You mean you don't think this is an authentic message?" asks Zerak. "We have no proof the Vulgarians exist at all! We only know them through ancient myths that seem to exist in every advanced culture of the Galaxy. Has anyone ever seen a Vulgarian?"
"That's what I'm thinking," says the Swami.
"So," Zerak continues, "then this message may only exist in the algorithm and not actually in the Universe. This may be a clever deception created by the evil Vulgarians, Swami. Some malevolent conspiracy they have devised for some disgusting purpose, as usual. Hmm...I want to ask you a question, Swami, and I want a truthful answer." Zerak looks suspiciously at the Swami. "Swami, you're not a scientist are you? Just where did you get this algorithm? Tell the truth this time!"
The Swami appears apprehensive. After some hesitation he says, "Well, the actual truth is, I have earned a PH.D. From the Annananda Institute for the Advancement of Cosmic Consciousness...and Overhead Door Company." The Swami looks around for a reaction from his hosts. "The Overhead Door part is used to support the Institute."
After a pause to consider this ridiculous statement, Zerak says knowingly, "We'll ignore the Overhead Door Company for the moment, Swami. First, let's get to the crucial part. Just how many live-forms are members of this Annananda Institute of yours, and it sounds like this Ph.D. thing is dubious in the least."
"At present just one: myself," admits the Swami. "But that leaves so much room for growth! And the Ph.D. is an award I've given myself for long-standing service to the scientific community."
"Of course," says Zerak. "So, Swami, since you're a phony Ph.D. given to yourself from a phony Institute, exactly how did you come by this algorithm? That's what I'm interested in. It's obvious you couldn't have devised it yourself."
The Swami hovers about ill at ease. "In truth I found it while browsing among some important-looking papers while installing an overhead door in the garage of a theoretical physicist. A Professor Schmaltzenberger."
"Zerak! That's the same Professor who invented that Time Machine kit I constructed once, remember that Adventure?" interrupts Zarkor excitedly.
"How could I forget it!" Zerak replies. "Professor Schmaltzenberger's Time Machine Construction Kit! What an episode that was! He's the one that caused all those children to disappear into the Past by selling that Do-It-Yourself Time Travel toy! Now we're getting somewhere!"
"Yes," Zarkor agrees anxiously, "but where?"
Zerak considers, still watching the Swami closely. "If this is all true, this algorithm may have greater significance than we have imagined. This Professor Schmaltzenberger could be the one behind some evil plan this algorithm has revealed. Or, it could be a plot by those devious Vulgarians to attempt to conquer the Universe! I wonder where the Professor comes into all of this, and what the 'Further Instructions to Come' thingy means. I'm worried, Zarkor."
"I'm not!" exclaims Zarkor excitedly. "It looks like we're into another Adventure! Only this one is of Cosmic importance! What a boon to my Legacy! What esteem I'll receive from Galactic Civilization for saving the Universe yet again! What recognition..."
"But besides all that, Zarkor, I think you're right about another Adventure. And just when I was thinking of taking a vacation on the Happy Holiday Planet! Well, I guess that's what we get for fooling around with phony Swami's. Let's get busy, Zarkor. It seems the fate of the entire Universe may now depend on what we do next."
End Part Two