Unexplained Mysteries Discussion Forums: Unexplained Mysteries Discussion Forums -> Falco's Forum Romanum

Are you intelligent? Do you have natural talent? Do you ooze charm?
If you do; do you get sick of people telling you that and mentioning that you have the ability to be rich and famous if only you did this or that?
I do at times; and I bet you do too..
What if you have all those abilities and all you want to do is have a good time; enjoy the one you love, and drink until everything is warm and fuzzy?
Why is the burden constantly upon us to drive forward and produce, whether we care or not?
Nobody on dry land expects a moron to be anything but a moron; and yet even the most idiotic person has a profound thought now and again..
This is greeted as a pleasant surprise..
And yet when a slightly intelligent hedonist succeeds a bit; all you ever hear is, "You should be doing better"..
Maybe so; but the days of our years are 3 score and 10; which is limiting as Hell..
If I betray all that I am and all that makes me happy to earn a few extra dollars what am I really worth?
Anyway; cheers all of you like me..Here's to voluntary mediocrity!!

Hi!!
I'm Falco Rex and I'm a raging bastard!!
Some of you may remember me, and most of you probably don't, but I've known this forum for a very long time indeed..
And in that span of time I've covered the spectrum of viewpoints and emotions..
I've been compassionate. I've been mean..I've been an uber-skeptic. I've been a blind believer..
That's just in one day, mind you..
One thing always comes to fore though; and that's common sense above all.
I'm the ultimate "Me-ist" as far as philosophy and religion goes..
"How does that effect me and Girty" is the question I ask before anything else; and in essence; the only one that really matters..
I'd live; I'd die; I'd kill, lie or steal just to make sure that question was answered satisfactory to her and I..
So basically what I'm saying is this..
Now that I'm in a posting mood again I'm probably going to be wildly unpopular unless you want to jump on our boat..
But for those of you who who've been where I've been in your lives I offer you my respect and a tip of my hat; if I actually wore a hat..
Basically I'm back and the gloves have come all the way off..
I may not post often; but I'll post heavy..

Let's take it to the mattresses boys and girls!!

Recently, a friend here has found her blog locked up for absolutely no reason we can find..Perhaps it's just a glitch because of inactivity..
If so..
Well; I haven't made an entry here for months..
If this shows up we may convey something more sinister that smacks of a personal vendetta..
Personally; I don't find anything objectionable about somebody posting a paragraph on thier God-daughter but perhaps somebody out there feels different..

Here ya go..

Well, that all for now, kids..Bye!

Well here we go again..
It worked before, so let's reheat some leftovers and crack a beer for the inevitable return of the exact same bull I shoveled to you before..
Familiarity is very comfortable, right?

Do you have a question that's bugged you your entire life? Do you need answers and need them yesterday or possibly even sooner? Do you need a firm hand to guide your destiny? Or do just really wish you could remember who won the 1965 World Series?(The Dodgers, dummy)...Well Falco is here to take on all comers..Take that statement however you want to..
But feel free to ask me anything about everything..
The answer may not be what you wanted; but I promise you one thing...
It will be an answer; and phrased in my unique and endearing grammatical style...

Do you feel lucky; poster?

It's been a long, long time; boys and girls..
I've been gone for quite awhile from this particular forum, and for what I thought was good reason; although that all seems like ashes and angel wings in hindsight..
You see, I've been mean, diffident, standoffish and cruel to the many people I've met here over the couple of years I've been a member of this forum, just lately..
The fact is, there's been many recent upheavals in my life, as well as numerous problems with a few members of this forums' administration..
I've felt persecuted by people who used to admire me merely because I dared to create something on my own..
Perhaps those feelings were justified, and perhaps they weren't. In the end it means nothing. I guess..
The point is; I miss posting here, as it's a great place..
There were many people I've wronged here who had nothing to do with any of the events in question, and who were great friends to me for quite a long time..
To all of you, I can only say I'm sorry, and I hope you'll accept that..The bridges may be burned, but if you're willing we can rebuild them together..
To those of you who truly despise me; I can only say that I trust Karma will sort you..
I come to you now on UM not as a penitent beggar, but with my head still held high, for although I acted wrongly sometimes, I never deviated from my principles; nor will I..
It's a glorious new age for Falco..
One of tolerance, wisdom and enlightenment..........


Now let's all get plastered and pass out..

Long ago in a galaxy far, far away there was a blog column called Ask Falco..
For many months now, my font of amazing wisdom has lain dormant..
Until now...
Now friends and neighbors and also people I hate, I return to dispense knowledge and aforethought; if that is indeed a real sentence..
Perhaps it is, maybe it isn't...You'll never know..
Why?
Because you aren't half the sage I am..
And here I'm going to prove it..
Many of you newer members never got to ask me your pressing questions about life and love. So here's your chance to ask me anything...
And remember; there's no such thing as a stupid question; but that doesn't mean I can't provide stupid answers..

I apologize for that earlier arrogance, I'm really eager to help, so ask away, dummies!

I must apologize to all my loyal readers of "The Case" but that project is indefinately shelved at this point..There's just too damn much to do to give it the attention it deserves. I do hope to get back to it at some point, and you can probably expect an odd update here and there when I get a spare hour or two, but as a whole I just don't have the time it takes to write a mini-series..
So I guess my Blog will now return to it's normal use as a venue for psuedo-intellectualism, propaganda, and anecdotes nobody really cares about anyway..
Enjoy!





*Waits for Snuffy to show up*

I figured my best way through this was just to charge straight in and knock her over; so that's what I did..Or tried to..
Much to my surprise Thistle lightly side-stepped with a grace you only see in some professional dancers..And tapped me with the end of her stick..
ZAP!!
So the"Pointy Stick" was actually a cattle prod, I noticed..
Not bad detective work really, considering that now I was on the ground writhing in shock as something like 20,000 volts rushed through my body..
"Over-masculine Idiot" I heard her say to herself, while I gradually stopped shaking, and tried to unclench my rogue muscles..
A shadowy shape looming over me told me that Kismit was probably back on her feet and ready for revenge; and being lifted to a standing position by an unseen force rather roughly let me know Magikman was back and unamused..
Once again my arms were pinned behind me; only this time I felt what seemed to be a pair of handcuffs being tightened around my wrists..
As the jolt subsided I found myself brought face to face again with Kismit..
I expected a smack or two from her, but instead she just rubbed the side of head where I had hit it and looked thoughtful..
"You know" she bagan "The knock on the brain has shaken an idea loose. While I don't condone forum commoners trying to do my job, you just may prove some use to us.."
"Do tell." I stated as confidently as I could, considering my current position..
"Well" she continued "It seems to me, that you might just flush our thief out for us, if we let you go on looking..That and the fact that some people will talk to you when they'd run from us in fear, might just give us an edge.."
"I guess I'd be alright with working with you Mods" I answered..
"Don't presume, Falco" she shot back "You'd be working for us, not with us..We're not equals here."
Could I still get my gun out, I wondered..Instead I said.."I could do that."
What can I say? Goddess types get me all worked up..
"Very well, then..Magikman will remove your restraints in a moment...But first.."
"First?" I wondered aloud..
"A test." She said, with her eyes gleaming with humor"Just to make sure you're resourceful and strong enough to survive working here. Bring him along MM."
With that they turned and we all marched out of the Crypto forest back into the land of Index with it's strange props and assorted weirdness..
I suppose I could have asked where they were taking me, but suprisingly enough, I didn't feel like making small talk..
Besides, I already knew the answer..
Wherever it was wouldn't be good..
On through the porticoed and gardened courtyard we went, recieving curious stares from evewn more curious looking people, until our group stopped at a wall in what seemed to be the very back of the room..
The only adornment on this wall was a large hatch that looked like one of those doors from the airlock to a submarine..You know the kind I mean; the ones with the wheel that opens and closes them..
"Here's your challenge then, Mr. Falco" said Kismit "We're going to release you into the Blogs...If we ever see you again, we'll know you're brave and resourceful enough to continue this case...If not we'll send somebody in with a mop to clean up your remains in 2 days or so.."
She spun the hatch, and the door opened, revealing a cacaphony of the unpleasant noise from the other side..I felt the invisible Magikman unlock and remove my handcuffs..
"Any last questions?" she said..
"Just one" I retorted "Are your breasts swollen?"
"Wouldn't you like to know" She answered with a half-smile..
Then a hard shove from behind sent me tumbling into the blog room..
I heard the hatch slam shut behind me..
I found myself awash in a sea of thought given form.
Whirlwinds of profound philosophy and utter insane ramblings whipped be me, allowing me to catch only the briefest glimpse of thier content..
Screaming, complaining, rationilizing and dreams, all vied for my attention for the short span of seconds before being gone again and replaced with more of the same, but different..
I tried to look around..To see some means of escape; but the constant assault on my mind prevented me from even noticing the details of the room..
I had to focus..
I tried isolating one strain of thought from all the rest and tracing it to it's source..
Itr was too much..Any sane and rational thought in this room was quickly buried in a mound of complete irrelevance..I'd never be able to hold onto one..
I could feel my sanity gradually slipping away..
Slowly I lowered myself to the floor and tried to concentrate hard enough to shut out the sound of a thousand different voices..
Little by little, I forced them to be merely background noise..
As the roar of voices died down by degrees I finally dared to open my eyes..
To be confronted with a strange sight..
"Hey hoss. You gonna sit there on the floor all day? Because somebody told me we had business.." Said someone..
There was a man holding the reins of a donkey not 5 feet away from me; I had no idea how long he'd been there..
"Well?" he queried "We getting on out of here, or not? Snuffs is a busy boy. And it's time for Donkeys' shift to start.."
Ah. I'd found the elusive Snuffypuffer. Or had he found me?
Lifting myself off the floor, I prepared to speak to the Sage of UM..


End of part 8...

So why could I see this guy so easily?
The tree he was trying to hide behind had a glass case directly behind it. His reflection was clear as day..
He was a teenager closer to twelve than twenty..He had long black hair; a long black trench-coat and long black pants and boots probably..He had one hand reached under that coat; grasping something as he waited for me to pass..
Another hit-squad goon, sent by my unknown adversary?
If so, they were picking them a little young nowadays. I'd soon shake him down and get some answers though..
What?
Did you think I was going to follow some elaborate trail of clues and evidence; each one a puzzle piece that fit neatly together until this was solved?
Sorry Junior. That's not how cases are solved in real life..Save it for CSI:Miami and Agatha Christie stories..
Ask any cop. 90% of cases are solved simply because someone ratted somebody else out..
I was hoping I'd just found my rat..
I kept my eyes on the case as I passed his spot..The moment I saw him tense, I made my move. Lightning fast I turned and struck out, punching him in the solar plexus..
He gasped with the sudden loss of breath and dropped what he'd been about to take out of his coat..
Somehow, it was a full sized persian carpet, neatly rolled..
While I stood dumbly digesting this fact, he recovered from the hit I gave him and reached under his coat again. This time he produced a very small motorcycle from its depths..He jumped on it; kickstarted and was off through the trees like shot..
I almost laughed at the futility of it..I began to run after him..
I may not look like much, but thanks to Camp Pendleton I could still run all day uphill carrying a hundred pound pack..He had to guide a tiny motorbike around trees and over roots..He was doomed..
Within two minutes I caught him..
Grabbing his jackets' collar I yanked him straight off the bike and slammed him to the ground..The bike continued on it's own before crashing into a tree and catching fire...The tree too, began to burn..
Wow..
I thought that only happened on television..
I turned my attention back to my intended victim keeping him firmly pinned to the ground with one arm..
"Hello Rat!" I said happily"First you're going to tell me who you are and why you're following me with broadlooms in your hand; and then you're going to tell me anything else I care to know."
"I don't have to tell you anything you dink!" He shot back. "You wrecked my bike!"
"Really now?" I said standing him up and slamming him against a tree"Would you care to reconsider?"
Stony silence was all I got..Tough meat needs tenderizing, I guess..
I shook him back and forth in the air until I thought he looked like he just wanted to give up and die now..
"Well?" I said" I can do this all day if I have to."
"Walken" he muttered sullenly"My names' Walken."
"And?" "Why were trying to attack me with a rug?"
You're a Noob!" He answered, as if I should already know. "I like to roll Noobs in carpets and throw them off bridges! I was just having fun!"
Well that's normal. Was everyone here completely nuts?
"So Walken" I said conversationally "you wouldn't be working for these Mods I've heard about; would you?"
"Hah!" Me work for the Mods!! Those spoilsports? They always ruin my fun too! Walken is a free agent of surrealism!"
I think somehow I believed him. No sinister force would use such a random and strange young man as an agent of death..But I still needed a guide..
Nevertheless, young Walken; I need a person who knows this forum inside and out to work with me. Having pissed me off; I'm electing you. Now take me to these Mods."
"I'm not guiding you anywhere. I need to go back to my Not-box and build a new bike. Besides which, I don't work for jerks who beat me up.."
I was about to continue to do just that when he said.."You should find Snuffypuffer. He knows everything about everything around here; he could help you more than me. "
Having a guy who I just whipped as a guide probably wasn't the best idea. It would probably turn out dangerous in the long run. This Snuffypuffer sounded like the guy I needed to talk to..
"If you can tell me where to find this Snuffypuffer" I offered" I may just let your throat go long enough for you to breathe correctly.."
"He's usually in General Off-Topic. Start by looking there" Said Walken..
I guess that was enough on him for one day..I slowly released him and let him stand on his own..
Gathering what dignity he still possesed he brushed himself off and squared his shoulders..
Then he looked at me with a devilish grin..
"Do you still want to talk to the Mods?" He asked slyly "Because I can get them here."
"How's that, I asked?
"Like this!"
"F**K!!" He yelled at the top of his lungs..
A cloud seemed to pass over the sun..
"S***!!! He yelled again..
The sun was completely overcast now..A strange warm wind began to blow..
Walken went on and on with an endless stream of profanity..
The warm wind turned hot..The forest went eerily quiet. The only strong light now came from the burning tree, the ground started trembling under my feet..
"Well, that should do it!" proclaimed Walken "You have fun now!!"
He gave me a cheery wave and ran full tilt for the exit to crypto..
Suddenly, lightning struck all around me..A giant clap of thunder split the air..
The Mods had arrived...



End of Part 6