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I find myself contemplating my mortality

Posted by White Crane Feather , 13 July 2012 · 933 views

I'm sitting here on the coach trying to shake this mood I have put myself into.

Yesterday I went to the doctor. My left breast has been sore and it wasn't going away. Turns out I have some sort of cyst. Funny thing is that the cyst dosnt hurt but the areas behind it does. This is a symptom of and advanced stage of male breast cancer. A rare condition. Tuesday I have an appointment with a specialist.

Nothing is sure yet, but I find myself deeply disturbed by it anyway. I don't mind a fight with cancer, I don't even really mind dying. But I just don't want to leave my three boys.  I have sooooo much to show them.

I can't help but wonder if all these visions lately are some sort of preparation. I cant stand the thought of my little baby not remembering me or my older boys growing up without me. It's breaking my heart.

All of my knowledge and the things I have seen make life even more precious to me.

Im going to do some very deep prayer in the days to come. If you pray please join me.

Seeker it may anger you in your current state but I admit that last year at this time I was suicidal.  I'd taken all I could and had made my plans.  It was the thought of my daughter and what it would do to her that stopped me.  But during that time I gave very intimate thought to death and what comes next.  I will join you in prayer for you, your condition and your family.  Isn't it strange how we never fully appreciate what we have until it is threatened?  May the Lord bless and keep you and your's.  May He keep you in the palm of His hand and supply every need for you and your family in this time of testing.  Be strong in the Lord, and the power of HIS might.  God Bless you Seeker.
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White Crane Feather
Jul 13 2012 08:53 PM
It dosnt anger me. Thank you.
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Star of the Sea
Jul 13 2012 09:01 PM
Hi Seeker,

When my girls were little I faced death straight in the face. Like you all I worried about were my children.... they keep you going and hopefully all will be well for you. Take care Seeker and wishing you well through this difficult time.

I will remember you in my prayers.
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i can't begin to imagine what you're going through but what i can tell you is that human will and love are something unfathomably strong,and the love you have for your children is going to give you
the strength you need to pull through for them,just have faith and know that it will carry you through all of this,and where there's a will there's a way,i'll be praying for you my friend.
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Thinking positive thoughts for you for sure Seeker...
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Jul 14 2012 01:47 AM
No words except thinking of you and sending you light.
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I will pray.
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