Well I sighed to myself late yesterday afternoon, looked at myself in the rearview mirror in the car and said: a mood is coming on. I sometimes get raw around the edges, in which everything bothers me, the phone ringing, someone wanting my attention, perhaps the chores I know that need to be done but don’t want to do them. It feels like things are piling up, which leads to the emotion of being closed in and perhaps even trapped, and I hate that feeling on any level, of being closed in.
I was on my way to the hospital when this mood starting to peek from my inner landscape, and tried at first to get away from it. I turned on the radio, nothing like a bit of noise to help me to get away from my inner nagging. My inner child to use an outmoded 80’s expression, getting ready to have a tantrum of some sort; which can be very unpleasant for all involved. When I am going thru this kind of thing, I always feel like I am a child, perhaps five or six, not yet rational just wanting everything to go my way; a don’t bother me kind of thing. Well of course nothing on the radio helped. The music sounded like static, talk radio irritated me, and traffic as usual was a mess. So to top off my feeling like an irrational five or six year old, add a bit of paranoia (the universe is out to get me) on top of it and you have a nice little cocktail, the kind that does not make one nice. So I knew I had better be careful around everyone, watch what I say and do, and don’t get aggressive behind the wheel. When this happens I give myself plenty of room with the car in front of me, let people in, and stop for yellow lights, if the one behind me is not also having an inner child episode of the Prozac order also. There are a signs that is may be happening to my fellow traveler; if I see his headlights in my rearview mirror, and can see the whites of his eyes, I then think I might be better to go on thru the yellow light. Perspective is important.
Made my visit, which went ok, I don’t think the person I was seeing saw the inner grinding of teeth I was gong thru, well it was not that bad, but I was glad when the visit was over. Why take it out on the person in front of me, it is my stuff……Nothing like going to visit someone in the hospital and dumping on him or her, a good way to end a friendship.
Well this morning it was still there, like a faithful friend waiting to start over again with its inner dialogue that seems to have a life of its own. Well it does, it is a tape, and a well used one to be sure. In fact there are many tapes with slightly different plots, with different villains that I have grown used to, even if I have not learned to really relax and enjoy them.
I remember a few years back, how far back I don’t know, time is such a blur, when I was in midst of this kind of thing, when suddenly I realized that I was watching the whole thing like I was in a movie theater with popcorn, watching it all. Who is the one watching I asked myself, and who is the one in the movie acting all of this out? This led me to think more about the subject, and over the years very slowly to be sure, it has helped me to get a grip over the moods that seem to swim up from the depths like a hungry shark looking to feed.
I think the inner fantasies have their root in scapegoating. Trying to find someone I can dress up in the proper costume, make into the villain and then at least in the inner realm of my soul, have at him or her. The only problem with this is that it does not work. I wish it did but it doesn’t. What happens is the tape just keeps running over and over again, since there is not way for closure in such a case. So one day, again a few years back this word floated to the surface, the word was “illusion”, this whole thing is not real. An obvious statement, but at the time for me it was not, it was a sort of a revelation. On some level I believed that this scapegoating ritual had some element of truth to it, but I now know it was just a way for my inner frustration and anger to present itself to me. So now when one of the tapes start, I watch it for a short time and then say, “this is not true, nor is it a good way to deal with my mood”. This usually helps a lot and often the mood dissipates, or if not, its hold on me is not as strong as it was in the past.
I can’t always come to a point were I can give myself an answer about this or even fully understand what is going on, but I can find better ways to deal with simple moodiness, and in the process not take it out on those around me, even if it is only in the inner realm. When I do this kind of thing, I just make myself a victim, which is a colossal waste of time, even if some pleasure of the melancholy sort is achieved in doing so.
I know that I am responsible on how I deal with these moods, also need to find out ways to lessen their effect on my life. Sleep helps, getting enough of it, also just taking time for myself, which I try to do, but no matter what I do to help, moods happen, being alive will assure me of this. Making others the recipient of my moodiness is wrong and unjust, though at times I still do it, and if I catch myself I go and apologies.
I know that I stay away from moody people who lash out at others, and will not take responsibility for the pain that they seem to spray out at anyone within firing range; sort of like using an emotional shotgun. Being moody and not knowing what one is doing allows the inner tapes to incarnate and become reality, and life can become a nightmare with no way out, since people for the most part don’t like to be scapegoated and will defend themselves to the best of their ability, whatever that is.