In all of my years I have never met anyone who does not carry a heavy burden. For some their struggles are out there for all to see, though these struggles often cover something much deeper and more serious. When pain is felt, inner suffering, then relief can be sought in areas that in the end make things worse. Addictions may be a good word for this, not sure. In any case there seems to be no escape for us. We either deal with our pain in a manner that leads to healing, no matter how slow. Or the pain will grab us by the neck and drain our lives of all color, joy and love. I know it sucks, but there it is.
Since I consider myself ‘fragmented’, again I believe a common experience, I am aware of the many bits and pieces that make up my sub-conscious, that are in fact fed by something deeper from my own personal unconscious. Archetypal forces that are irrational, hungry, demanding and seek release from their inner prison that I keep them in, and monitor, as well as listen to their ramblings when they get loud enough.
It is a zoo of sorts and I guess. Each aspect of me that wants to gain control, could easily be dignified with the name of some ferocious animal or bird. Knowing that they exist, are part of me and that I can dialogue with them, does not in fact make my life easier, but it makes it more manageable. Again one thing that makes it easier to bear, is the fact that I am not alone in this, that perhaps most people I pass on the street or in fact dealing with the same problems….though perhaps with different inmates from the inner zoo.
I have learned that nothing in me is evil, no, just irrational, selfish and extremely self-centered; wanting control. They are neutral, neither good nor evil, since they are not rational and can’t choose…..that is for me to do. Since I am capable of rational choice, even if at times I have to struggle to be so, then I am capable of evil, great evil, of which I am culpable for. The irrational, or the kind of irrationality I am speaking about, seeks the good. Something desired that will bring some inner peace, rootedness and perhaps a feeling of home. The problem with this is that it sets me apart and over and against others. There is no connection with those I seek to manipulate. Only a desire to use and possibly to abuse in order to get what the irrational inner hunger and pain wants. In the end, things just get worse and more is needed, whatever it is to attain some inner peace. Self creation is an endless cycle of desire, satiation, frustration, tension and more desire seeking release.
We are our own jailers, locked in a small room with no human way to get out. It is a hell of sorts I believe, and I also believe, though it is unpopular to state, that this state can become permanent; because it is chosen in the end. It is what we become, that which we desire. Our true humanity becoming nothing but a husk, only desire, frustrated craving remains…an eternal hunger, or yearning never achieved.
We are called to become ever more fully human. Christ Jesus came to save us from our own inner hell, self created and embraced. It is not a pretty picture, the state of mankind, wanting the good, love and union with ‘something’ beyond reach. All the leeches, the inner desires and wants can drain of us of life, forcing us to live lives of mere instinctive existing. Good for the lower animals, but since we have been kicked out of the arms of Mother Nature; we have been thrown back on ourselves, isolated, cut off. Seeking that which we desire by any means necessary, to hell with the cost or who it may hurt or destroyed on the way.
A relationship with Christ Jesus allows love to enter into the picture and with that healing. It can be a slow drawn out process for most of us, taking a lifetime. It is a call to allow God’s love into the deepest recesses or our being, to open up and allow all to be seen…..then understanding that it has always been seen. The experience of the mercy and love of Jesus Christ, allows us to then see all those we come in contact with, are on the same road and our hearts expand because of this free gift of God’s love for us.
This love is not a magic portion, no it demands a death to a life of self destructive self-indulgence, no matter what form it takes….yes a life time journey of ever deeper trust in God’s love and compassion for us, no matter how many times there is failure. As St. Paul says: “God is always yes”, no maybes, buts, or later, but simply yes. When this is understood at ever deeper levels, then when prayer occurs, when silence is achieved, then there comes a time when we understand that when each of us prays, we become one with Christ Jesus in praying for the salvation of all. All our touched on some level beyond our present comprehension, but true none the less. God love, grace and care for all of us is the warp and weave of lives, it just is, and the deeper the trust, the more radical our acceptance of grace, then the deeper and more true our humanity becomes. We become free to love, to embrace, to seek out the outcast and best of all, we begin to understand how precious each human being is and then we are no longer free to denigrate, hate or to gossip about others, but to embrace, encourage and never lose hope.