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Talk on Resentment, anger and forgiveness

Posted by markdohle , 27 May 2006 · 154 views

Early years (2 years Old) put in foster home
Became hyper self aware (still am)
No one to depend on
Just myself
Hyper alert in a dark lonely place
This is abandonment
Something every child has to face at one time or another
Mine came sooner rather than later.
Had to be done
Rent problems
Parents came every weekend
I withheld my affection knowing they were leaving again.
Became self contained
Impersonal towards others
Unable to break this
As the years stacked up.

Even knowing my parents did not mean to abandon
Still as a 2 year old that was what it was
A lot of rage from that time
Not rational,
That inner fire
Can erupt at any time.
This is my path
Simply dealing with this issue
Not letting it consume me nor my life.
I am not a victim
That would be too easy
Leading downward.

In thinking of  nature
I am fire
As a force
A volcano
Slumbering for the most part
With magna deep down
Wanting to express itself
Find relief
From the inner pressure.

My path not allowing this to control my life
Not making others victims of my anger
Seeking to not scapegoat anyone
Or if I do
To apologies
Own up to it
Then move on.

Saw a psychologist at 40
He asked me
Mark what can I do for you?
Doc I replied I am dying
I can feel it
My anger
My constant companion is destroying my body
I have trouble breathing
(Still do all these years later).
Am always angry
Though so far I have been able not to take it out on anyone.
I suppress it
Try to deal with it in a way that is not destructive to other
But perhaps I need help
It seems to be hurting me
I feel it now that I am older.
I am wearing out.
Loseing the battle
No matter how hard I try.
It was a struggle
I disassociated at lot
Frustrating for both me and the Psychologist
In the end he did help me to voice things that I already knew
Just needed to word it in front of somebody
Who could reflect it back for me.
This helped
Thought my anger is a constant companion.
At times I feel like
St Francis and Ghangis Kan
Are sitting across from each other
Unable to communicate.

At times it shows itself as raw power
Erupting from my deepest most hidden part of who I am
Or think I am.
It is painful
Tears my soul
Worse than physical pain
At times I wonder if I will ever be free of it.
Perhaps being fire means just that
Dealing with this inner power in a way that is life serving.
It is simply my path
That I must see to the end.

Each person walks this road
If not with rage and anger
Then it is something else.
An inner wound
Perhaps hidden
Seeking to be noticed
Dealt with
To not deal with it
Face it
No matter what the road walked
Is to invite chaos into life
A slow death over many years.
To run from the problem
Is to only make it worse.

Letting go
Is the only way to break free
To allow the heart
To be a channel of Godís healing love
Not only for myself
But also for others.
Resentment and hatred
Are intimate,
Just as profound as love,
In the attachment
It has for the one hated or resented.
Not to forgive is to carry a heavy burden
To give power
Mostly unasked for
To the ones
Focused upon

May 27 2006 11:38 PM
We must forgive those who have wronged us. Not because they need to be forgiven, but becasue we Love ourselves so much that we don't need to keep paying for the injustice.

-Don Miguel Ruiz.

Thank you for sharing that Mark.
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Mark, you are DEEP... original.gif
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The talk went ok.  I am glad that I learned to write verse, or prose, or whatever it is.  Otherwise I am all over the Map.  Thanks for your comments.

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