soul connection enough in a relationship?

[Curious_one]

Okay so I am a musician who started to work with this producer. I thought he was amazing. He could play anything perfectly on multiple instruments and sang like an angel. He worked hard at everything he did, he was funny and outgoing. My perfect man. But I never thought of him "that way" because let's just say he has a dark side to him...and although beliefs and morals match up they only match up to about 80% the other 20 is just a grey area. Anyways...One night he invited me out to this party where he was meeting people to fund him. We dressed up and acted professional together and for the first time I felt something...maybe because it was almost like we were out on a date. I looked at him with such pride. More than 1 person came up to us throughout the night saying they wish they could be as "in love" as we were...although we never were in love or dating or told anyone anything like that. I knew we had a connection and I even knew people could see it. That night he kissed me. And I felt like my whole body just burned. And I wanted him in every way...we started hanging out a lot, we got really close and I felt I could tell him anything. We were totally open with each other and we could make music together and write music and everything I was content. When I was with him I was able to not only he on a date but be productive. But I don't seem to feel him when I'm gone. When I'm not with him I don't love him like I do when I am with him. And when I look at pictures of him or look at him in person from afar... I'm not attracted to him. So I called it off. He called me that night saying he just wanted me to know I was amazing, listed everything anyone could possibly notice about me told me I should he called beautiful every day and stuff and said I'll always have his heart. Then he let me go. Since him I've never felt the things I felt with him I never had felt things such as that. But still...I wasn't 100% happy with him. There were some things we didn't agree on, the attraction wasn't 100% there only when I was close enough to him or looked into his eyes. I know our souls had a connectoin. But does that necessarily mean were meant to be? Our differences and issues with attraction set aside? I'm now seeing someone else. And he's hurting. Am I wrong? Did I make a mistake? What would you make of this

[SpiritWriter]

maybe you can date both guys for now?

[CuriousRey]

maybe you can date both guys for now?

That's a pretty crappy thing to say.

In regards to the OP, I don't have an answer to your question really. What I can tell you is that no relationship is ever going to leave you feeling 100% happy with your partner, two people cannot agree on everything and humans have a tendancy to

look for flaws in others to escape their own inadequecies. It sounds like you had a pretty spot on relationship with the first guy, you had things you could share together that you both enjoyed and sounds like he gave you respect which IMHO isn't an

easy thing to come by. I recently ended an engagement due to many reasons, one of the major ones being that my partner and I really had nothing we could share together, neither of us had as much respect for one another as we should have and

that led to being less attracted to each other emotionally and otherwise. On the other hand, you didn't give too much information on your current partner which could be something you did subconciously as you may not have these feelings for him.

Take a good look at what you have now, what you used to have and figure out which one left you feeling more complete. I'm sure the individual you're seeing now is probably hurt, if he knows that you still have feelings for this producer. This may

sound selfish, however you cannot base your judement on how hurt he is, I based my decisions on the feelings of various partners for a long time rather than actually following my heart and it has proven to be devastating for both of us each and every

time. Make this decision for yourself and nobody else, that's my recommendation. Ok, sorry for the rant and hope I was able to provide some type of insight, if not I wish you the best anyways.

Edited September 4, 2014 by CuriousRey

[SpiritWriter]

That's a pretty crappy thing to say.

no its not... obviously she doesn't know what to do so why be dedicated to one person when she still doesn't know about the other one? It was just a suggestion and not a crappy one. She wouldn't have posted this topic if she wasn't sure about not seeing this guy at all anymore or not.

[CuriousRey]

no its not... obviously she doesn't know what to do so why be dedicated to one person when she still doesn't know about the other one? It was just a suggestion and not a crappy one. She wouldn't have posted this topic if she wasn't sure about not seeing this guy at all anymore or not.

So essentially, it's ok to not be in a monogamous relationship because she is undecided? Doesn't neccesarily sound fair for the current BF or even the EX for that matter and could result in the loss of both. I may be a bit biased as i'm a guy and I've had a woman cheat on me for essentially the reason you just described, so yes IMHO it is a crappy suggestion.

[LostSouls7]

It's never enough there needs to be attraction also....

but what do I know I haven't felt in love for years...

i do remember a time when I did believe for a time..

[SpiritWriter]

So essentially, it's ok to not be in a monogamous relationship because she is undecided? Doesn't neccesarily sound fair for the current BF or even the EX for that matter and could result in the loss of both. I may be a bit biased as i'm a guy and I've had a woman cheat on me for essentially the reason you just described, so yes IMHO it is a crappy suggestion.

No I didn't mean cheating, sorry if it seemed that way. Just dating.. that's what I meant

in truth if you are happy with your new guy then that's where its at and the other guy just has to move on... he'll be alright he's a guitar player after all.

[dryrain]

My friend once said to me you do not marry the one you love marry the one thats good for you. There are so many people who are a good enough match for you out there.People have dark sides some wear it on the outside others hide it deep inside and you may never experience it from them. For me there are three parts to people the side you show to everyone, the side you just show to close friends and lovers. Then there is the side that you will only ever know about yourself.

Ask yourself this question if you could go back now before you broke up with him what decision would you make? the same or would you stay with him? Whatever you decide do not let your past relationship weight too heavily on your current one its not fair on your new partner.

[Neognosis]

There's nothing wrong with dating multiple people, as long as you are not misleading any of them about your status.

My friend once said to me you do not marry the one you love marry the one thats good for you.

I believed that years ago. I'm now divorced and with someone who is good for me AND who has passion and desire for me.

Plus, this idea that it is necessarily good or admirable to be with one person for your entire life is silly given today's lifespans and lifestyles.

[CuriousRey]

I do not disagree about the dating multiple people, the way I understood it was what spiritwriter intended so I apologize. As I stated I am a bit biased in that regard due to personal experience, and I automatically assumed the current BF would be mislead which was my mistake. See what happens when you assume?

I agree, if both parties are informed than it would make sense to date both of them. I will say that it is something I could never do, I have a hard enough time trying to listen and focus on one womans needs and stories let alone two!

[Curious_one]

Very interesting conversation. I got a variety of opinions and that's just what I like to see! Diversity. I really don't think there is anyone who is wrong. People do what is good for them. I know my own mother always told me it's okay to like more than one guy. What I ended up doing is not dating anyone. I took time off for myself and remained friends with them both. As for attraction, one day we will all get fat and bald!! Hahaha so u better love who they are. If your wondering how the story ends, through being friends with them both I see I made the right decision. Although I felt the butterflies for this producer, when I took a step back, was a friend and talked to him I realized exactly how ignorant he was and self proclaimed. I noticed myself becoming annoyed with how he looked at music as well as being disconnected and always has to be a "hit" and I love playing music and I couldn't live with someone who is a critic of my work. Those are great people to work with but living with them would drive me nuts I would never leave work. I also found out through others that he actually has talked to multiple clients and girls in a similar way as me. AND he began to act disrespectful towards me once I took a step back. Making comments that I don't tolerate. While the guy I had chosen from the start is maybe not into music but gives me balance. I still like the things he likes even if their not my day to day activities. And the thing I like most about this guy is he is RESPECTFUL TO THE MAX. I mean crazy. Past couple days he took me out for dinner movie and dropped me off at home. And asked to kiss me before he would lay a hand on me. And he is HUMBLE. Such a breath of fresh air to listen to someone who isn't so self proclaimed. Music ruins people sometimes. Dunno if I could actually date another musician. Although I am one I don't think I can date one like I originally had always dreamed of, unless I find that 1 in a million one day that doesn't got an ego of stone. And as for this guy I've chosen to be with, now that I know him just as well as I know this producer, if not better, I ended up feeling more butterflies than ever! Sometimes things just take time especially since I wasn't really letting him in because my mind was fogged with confusion and fear of letting go.

[CuriousRey]

Very interesting conversation. I got a variety of opinions and that's just what I like to see! Diversity. I really don't think there is anyone who is wrong. People do what is good for them. I know my own mother always told me it's okay to like more than one guy. What I ended up doing is not dating anyone. I took time off for myself and remained friends with them both. As for attraction, one day we will all get fat and bald!! Hahaha so u better love who they are. If your wondering how the story ends, through being friends with them both I see I made the right decision. Although I felt the butterflies for this producer, when I took a step back, was a friend and talked to him I realized exactly how ignorant he was and self proclaimed. I noticed myself becoming annoyed with how he looked at music as well as being disconnected and always has to be a "hit" and I love playing music and I couldn't live with someone who is a critic of my work. Those are great people to work with but living with them would drive me nuts I would never leave work. I also found out through others that he actually has talked to multiple clients and girls in a similar way as me. AND he began to act disrespectful towards me once I took a step back. Making comments that I don't tolerate. While the guy I had chosen from the start is maybe not into music but gives me balance. I still like the things he likes even if their not my day to day activities. And the thing I like most about this guy is he is RESPECTFUL TO THE MAX. I mean crazy. Past couple days he took me out for dinner movie and dropped me off at home. And asked to kiss me before he would lay a hand on me. And he is HUMBLE. Such a breath of fresh air to listen to someone who isn't so self proclaimed. Music ruins people sometimes. Dunno if I could actually date another musician. Although I am one I don't think I can date one like I originally had always dreamed of, unless I find that 1 in a million one day that doesn't got an ego of stone. And as for this guy I've chosen to be with, now that I know him just as well as I know this producer, if not better, I ended up feeling more butterflies than ever! Sometimes things just take time especially since I wasn't really letting him in because my mind was fogged with confusion and fear of letting go.

Hope everyone provided you with some good advice, sounds like you made a good choice to me, guess nice guys don't always finish last!