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The critic

Posted by markdohle , 14 June 2006 · 102 views

I think my harshest critic is myself, perhaps which is why I am not overly concerned about what others think of me.  They could never be as hard on me as I am.  I often get stuck in the same old rut over and over again.  Perhaps that is why I am always writing about the wheel, and trying to simply either get off or to stop the cycle.  In some areas I have done that, while in others I am still strapped to the outer rim going around and around helpless to get off. One reason is that I donít want too on some level; perhaps I am afraid of what I will become or who I will be if some things are taken out of my life.

I remember one day years ago talking to a friend of mine.  Her name is Susan, and she was always venting with me about her family, her job, her friends etc.  So one day I said that one reason for your being angry all the time is you fearing what it would be like for you to simply be at peace and not have all this drama in you life.  I did not say it in a serious tone, but in a joking one.  When I saw her next, much to my surprise she told me that my comment hit home and she has been thinking about it all week.  She decided that I was right (at this point I did not want to tell her I was joking), and she was going to start working on her anger issues.  She did and is much happier today, though not perfect of course.  Perfect people are so uninteresting.

So I am stuck with myself with some problems that seem to stick to me like glue, like being in a maze, or sitting in front of an impossibly high wall and just waiting for the chance to climb over to the other side towards more freedom.

I think it makes me understand my dependence on Godís grace for certain areas in my life, and perhaps it is in my weakness that God reaches me, in areas that seem to have a life of there own, and were willpower is not enough.  When there have been breakthroughs in my life it seems to happen from a point outside of my own struggles. At times I find myself on the other side of that high wall without having to climb at all, and I am always amazed by that and grateful.

I simply need to continue on the road, not give up, and give in to despair, but continually have hope and trust in the love that God has for me.  
I have many strong points and gifts that I use well, and while I am thankful for them, they do not bring me to the realization of my need for God, and also for others in my life who are there when I am in need of support.   It is my weakness and my sins that bring me to that point.  I think St Paul is right when he says ď all things work out for the good for those you seek God  Ē.

Jun 14 2006 06:24 PM
You have been inside my brain, haven't you!!!
I've started doing experiments with behaviors that I am not able to change. With situations that I used to try and fix, I let them fix themselves. With other situations or behaviors that I've been unable to let go of, I have faced head on instead. So far, this works! good for me! LOL.
It's not easy "perfecting" ourselves, but at least we are conscious we can work on it!
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So true, there are always better ways to handle what comes at us.  The less control the better it seems.

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