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Recurring Dream


Maureen_jacobs

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Ok, here goes.

Backstory:

On 2 January 2008, my mother passed on. I was there as well as along the way towards her eventual death. I watched her die and made my peace with her prior to and six weeks after her death. 8 hours after her death, I queried, out loud, I hope she had an early check in up there or wherever she went. Odd, I know, but I do not fear the after life, or whatever you wish to call it. Before she died, we both believed in the possibility of "contact" as my maternal grandmother contacted me after her death once to say goodbye. I asked my mom to try and contact me after she passed. Well, I am unsure if she has, but I'm still waiting. A couple years pass and I have a strange dream:

Here is the basics of the dream. In the dream, my mother, "woke up" from her death. I did not know this nor did her husband. Later, it turns out, another person was cremated and she was still in the hospice center under a different name. During this time she was in a coma or coma like. Still not clear on it. Anyway, we all went on about our lives. Several months later, my stepfather finds out she is still alive. In real life he has already moved on to a new lady so this could pose a problem. In the dream, my mom states to him that since the mistake was made and he moved on, it would be a fresh start for her. That part is fine. I get that. Here is the weird part, at least to me, she does not contact me nor do I know about her being alive. Several months go on in the dream and I find out she is alive but she will not contact me nor my husband and her grandkids whom she adored. Everything is messaged through my step father. ( in real life we have grown estranged, only recently though). Anyway, this dream is recurring and each time I find out something more about her, but not from my stepfather. I am mad at him because he finds out his dead wife(of nearly 25 years) is alive and has not even made an effort to be with her. Here I am, trying hard to locate her, and he is throwing my mom away because of his new lady friend is more important.

This dream has been plaguing me for years and I cannot shake it. I've attempted dissecting it, analyzing it, explain it with plausible theories, and even played the impossible what if game. But I cannot shake it. Am I completely insane, or is this an issue that needs to be addressed.

Intellectually, emotionally, and mentally I know she is dead. Her ashes sit in my home. I was there. But this dream is bordering on rather haunting and my mother and I had a relationship that was kosher, good, and very open.

Any ideas?

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Maureen - I'm not a professional counselor, so take my opinions with a grain of salt!

I see two different themes in your post: the uncomfortable realization that other people are "moving on" (even your screen picture appears to have been taken from the underside of a highway overpass, where people are literally "moving on") and your last few sentences where you answer your own question: "Intellectually, emotionally, and mentally I know she is dead. Her ashes sit in my home. I was there. But this dream is bordering on rather haunting and my mother and I had a relationship that was kosher, good, and very open."

It's my personal belief that grief never really ends, but it does begin to heal when we reach a point of acceptance. As you noted with your stepfather, who may have come to terms with his grief sooner than you have with yours, grief is a personal thing, and the point of acceptance is different for everyone.

It appears to me that you're making the scary decision to move on. And I do mean scary, because it may feel like you're moving those good memories of your mother which, through grief, have been held close to your heart, to what seems like "a place on the shelf". Separating from grief does not mean you're separating from the memories and the emotions that you shared with your mother.

Is the stepfather in your dreams really abandoning your mother, or are you transferring to him your feelings about yourself? In other words, are you unfairly accusing yourself of abandoning your mother because your grief has begun to heal?

If your recurring dream continues to haunt you, then take control of it. Don't let your subconscious push you around. Before you go to sleep, have an honest talk with yourself, and remind yourself that you're accepting reality instead of bad dreams.

Edited by simplybill
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Maureen - I'm not a professional counselor, so take my opinions with a grain of salt!

I see two different themes in your post: the uncomfortable realization that other people are "moving on" (even your screen picture appears to have been taken from the underside of a highway overpass, where people are literally "moving on") and your last few sentences where you answer your own question: "Intellectually, emotionally, and mentally I know she is dead. Her ashes sit in my home. I was there. But this dream is bordering on rather haunting and my mother and I had a relationship that was kosher, good, and very open."

It's my personal belief that grief never really ends, but it does begin to heal when we reach a point of acceptance. As you noted with your stepfather, who may have come to terms with his grief sooner than you have with yours, grief is a personal thing, and the point of acceptance is different for everyone.

It appears to me that you're making the scary decision to move on. And I do mean scary, because it may feel like you're moving those good memories of your mother which, through grief, have been held close to your heart, to what seems like "a place on the shelf". Separating from grief does not mean you're separating from the memories and the emotions that you shared with your mother.

Is the stepfather in your dreams really abandoning your mother, or are you transferring to him your feelings about yourself? In other words, are you unfairly accusing yourself of abandoning your mother because your grief has begun to heal?

If your recurring dream continues to haunt you, then take control of it. Don't let your subconscious push you around. Before you go to sleep, have an honest talk with yourself, and remind yourself that you're accepting reality instead of bad dreams.

I truly believe in what you have said, however, I really thought I've moved on. Some of my mothers ashes are spread around the world. She is at the South Pole ( both the actual poke and the base located there), she is in Christchurch, NZ, she is in Austria, Germany, Ireland, Prague, Dubai, and various places in North America. Perhaps I am saddened at the lack of completion on scattering her on all seven continents.

I take no issue with my stepfather moving on. If he didn't find sine one he would have shattered. For that, I am happy. I just keep wondering how she would feel knowing he moved on so fast. I don't know. I wanted her to give me a sign, however, this is every couple weeks. I'm afraid it isn't a sign but a way to tell me she didn't end it right. Like she didn't say or do something she should have before she passed. Obviously I cannot resolve her issues and I thought we ended it all right. We shared, talked, laughed, cried and then it seemed that when it was time, I told her it was ok. That being said, why this haunt me? I have no regrets nor do I have guilt. I appreciate you taking the time to share some insight in to this and I will reevaluate. I just wish the recurring theme of her still being alive would end. It was interesting at first, but it is grating on me.

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Ok, here goes.

Backstory:

On 2 January 2008, my mother passed on. I was there as well as along the way towards her eventual death. I watched her die and made my peace with her prior to and six weeks after her death. 8 hours after her death, I queried, out loud, I hope she had an early check in up there or wherever she went. Odd, I know, but I do not fear the after life, or whatever you wish to call it. Before she died, we both believed in the possibility of "contact" as my maternal grandmother contacted me after her death once to say goodbye. I asked my mom to try and contact me after she passed. Well, I am unsure if she has, but I'm still waiting. A couple years pass and I have a strange dream:

Here is the basics of the dream. In the dream, my mother, "woke up" from her death. I did not know this nor did her husband. Later, it turns out, another person was cremated and she was still in the hospice center under a different name. During this time she was in a coma or coma like. Still not clear on it. Anyway, we all went on about our lives. Several months later, my stepfather finds out she is still alive. In real life he has already moved on to a new lady so this could pose a problem. In the dream, my mom states to him that since the mistake was made and he moved on, it would be a fresh start for her. That part is fine. I get that. Here is the weird part, at least to me, she does not contact me nor do I know about her being alive. Several months go on in the dream and I find out she is alive but she will not contact me nor my husband and her grandkids whom she adored. Everything is messaged through my step father. ( in real life we have grown estranged, only recently though). Anyway, this dream is recurring and each time I find out something more about her, but not from my stepfather. I am mad at him because he finds out his dead wife(of nearly 25 years) is alive and has not even made an effort to be with her. Here I am, trying hard to locate her, and he is throwing my mom away because of his new lady friend is more important.

This dream has been plaguing me for years and I cannot shake it. I've attempted dissecting it, analyzing it, explain it with plausible theories, and even played the impossible what if game. But I cannot shake it. Am I completely insane, or is this an issue that needs to be addressed.

Intellectually, emotionally, and mentally I know she is dead. Her ashes sit in my home. I was there. But this dream is bordering on rather haunting and my mother and I had a relationship that was kosher, good, and very open.

Any ideas?

I have a couple of theories that may or may not help you. For one, I've dreamt a lot of deceased friends, family and even enemies. These are special types of lucid dreams and in each case it is made clear to me that continual contact with the dead is either 1. not allowed or 2. a bad idea or both. And they usually come either just hours or days before the person dies (their spirit knows and is giving a head's up) or just hours or days after the time of death. In the case of one of my enemies...or rather, a woman who decided to treat me like crap from gossip she heard rather than trying to get to know me or hear my side of the story, appeared to me within hours of her death. I verified this by asking someone who knew the day and time she died. I had the dream the night after she died. Anyway, in this dream she appeared in a house. It was just she and I. She looked nervous and made some small talk. She was very aware of how badly she had treated me. This is what she told me: she said that in order for her to "go on", I had to forgive her. If I didn't, she would somehow be trapped. So I told her how I felt about how ****ty I felt, which was unnecessary because I *knew* at the time that she was made to feel all the hurt she had delivered to me in life. So my words were unnecessary. I forgave her, but asked her to look out for me and to guard against future crappy gossip against me. She nodded that that was a fair exchange. And the dream ended.

The point I'm trying to make is, that we can cause each other to get stuck. Both the living and the dead. If you yearn too much (or have unresolved anger or bad dealings) for the dead, they can become stuck and not be able to go on with their instruction/purpose/ etc. If the dead spend time contacting us, we would become stuck in that vortex, yearning for more; wasting away and not fully living our purpose.

It's possible your mom is doing you a favor not having anything to do with you. It isn't that she doesn't remember you, or doesn't love you, but that she is following a higher directive being cruel to be kind. In the end we all meet back up with our loved ones. But to dwell on them isn't healthy.

The next thing I would say, my other theory, is that when my beloved grandmother passed away, as well as my aunt, both only appeared a scant couple of times in dreaming. I was made aware that my grandmother was such a saint that she had escaped incarnation. Like she went onto a higher plain where getting in touch is more difficult. My aunt spent a little more time with me but also had things to do and went on. It's like the dead have this in between phase where they are compassionately allowed, under very controlled circumstances, to contact their loved ones in a very limited way as they themselves transition to the changes in death. But prolonged contact, especially between those very close can cause demise to either one or both of them. So these events are chaperoned by others, and cut off completely if necessary.

Hope that helps.

Edited by SSilhouette
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I have a couple of theories that may or may not help you. For one, I've dreamt a lot of deceased friends, family and even enemies. These are special types of lucid dreams and in each case it is made clear to me that continual contact with the dead is either 1. not allowed or 2. a bad idea or both. And they usually come either just hours or days before the person dies (their spirit knows and is giving a head's up) or just hours or days after the time of death. In the case of one of my enemies...or rather, a woman who decided to treat me like crap from gossip she heard rather than trying to get to know me or hear my side of the story, appeared to me within hours of her death. I verified this by asking someone who knew the day and time she died. I had the dream the night after she died. Anyway, in this dream she appeared in a house. It was just she and I. She looked nervous and made some small talk. She was very aware of how badly she had treated me. This is what she told me: she said that in order for her to "go on", I had to forgive her. If I didn't, she would somehow be trapped. So I told her how I felt about how ****ty I felt, which was unnecessary because I *knew* at the time that she was made to feel all the hurt she had delivered to me in life. So my words were unnecessary. I forgave her, but asked her to look out for me and to guard against future crappy gossip against me. She nodded that that was a fair exchange. And the dream ended.

The point I'm trying to make is, that we can cause each other to get stuck. Both the living and the dead. If you yearn too much (or have unresolved anger or bad dealings) for the dead, they can become stuck and not be able to go on with their instruction/purpose/ etc. If the dead spend time contacting us, we would become stuck in that vortex, yearning for more; wasting away and not fully living our purpose.

It's possible your mom is doing you a favor not having anything to do with you. It isn't that she doesn't remember you, or doesn't love you, but that she is following a higher directive being cruel to be kind. In the end we all meet back up with our loved ones. But to dwell on them isn't healthy.

The next thing I would say, my other theory, is that when my beloved grandmother passed away, as well as my aunt, both only appeared a scant couple of times in dreaming. I was made aware that my grandmother was such a saint that she had escaped incarnation. Like she went onto a higher plain where getting in touch is more difficult. My aunt spent a little more time with me but also had things to do and went on. It's like the dead have this in between phase where they are compassionately allowed, under very controlled circumstances, to contact their loved ones in a very limited way as they themselves transition to the changes in death. But prolonged contact, especially between those very close can cause demise to either one or both of them. So these events are chaperoned by others, and cut off completely if necessary.

Hope that helps.

The insights are awesome. Thank you.

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