13 replies to this topic

[Voyager]

I have known I was homosexual since I was since I was about 6 years old. On top of this, I have always identified and felt more comfortable/at home with women. I've always been apathetic toward sports, automobiles, most "guy" things.

You know that often lesbians are given much more slack than gay men. Some straight men even praise them or see them as trophies---brag about turning out a lesbian. Yet, men are very harsh and intolerant of man-on-man sex. The same men who'll brag about having *spam filter* with their girlfriends will condemn gay sex...

Well, even though I can relate to men on some level because I grew up with many of them, it's tough, if not impossible for me to feel like I am "one of the guys." I can play along with the best of them, but as far as internal security goes, I have none when it comes to being a man. I feel very insecure and inadequate around "real men." It's also hard for me to have male friends, because if I'm attracted to them my attracted often, if not always, gets in the way of anything else. I have concluded that I must be a sex addict, which is why I'm studying up on the subject now.

One of the my associates---the best male friend I've ever had---just had sort of a fall out because of me crossing certain boundaries and dishonoring the relationship. And it's very painful, to tell the truth. It seems like I can never hold on to a good relationship with a man. And I'm usually not as good a friend as people are to me. I guess I really have some issues...

[and then]

Voyager, on 18 January 2013 - 11:36 AM, said:

I have known I was homosexual since I was since I was about 6 years old. On top of this, I have always identified and felt more comfortable/at home with women. I've always been apathetic toward sports, automobiles, most "guy" things.

You know that often lesbians are given much more slack than gay men. Some straight men even praise them or see them as trophies---brag about turning out a lesbian. Yet, men are very harsh and intolerant of man-on-man sex. The same men who'll brag about having *spam filter* with their girlfriends will condemn gay sex...

Well, even though I can relate to men on some level because I grew up with many of them, it's tough, if not impossible for me to feel like I am "one of the guys." I can play along with the best of them, but as far as internal security goes, I have none when it comes to being a man. I feel very insecure and inadequate around "real men." It's also hard for me to have male friends, because if I'm attracted to them my attracted often, if not always, gets in the way of anything else. I have concluded that I must be a sex addict, which is why I'm studying up on the subject now.

One of the my associates---the best male friend I've ever had---just had sort of a fall out because of me crossing certain boundaries and dishonoring the relationship. And it's very painful, to tell the truth. It seems like I can never hold on to a good relationship with a man. And I'm usually not as good a friend as people are to me. I guess I really have some issues...

The few openly gay friends I've had were GOOD friends.  Meaning that they just acted as themselves and didn't try to put the make on me.  I can see why your buddy would have been p***ed - especially if he didn't know you are gay.  Best wishes with it all.  Honesty is the first step in the right direction - any friends you find that way will at least be the real kind

[Rlyeh]

Voyager, on 18 January 2013 - 11:36 AM, said:

On top of this, I have always identified and felt more comfortable/at home with women. I've always been apathetic toward sports, automobiles, most "guy" things.

Ugh.. That sounds kind of like me, though I'm most definitely straight.

[wolfknight]

Just be yourself. Don't flaunt it.

[Sean93]

Don't act like one of them 'Fabulous' homosexuals; that just get's unwanted attention from homophobe's who might hurt you.

I'm not experienced with relationships or any of that but it's common sense to anyone that you don't come on to a friend, even if you fancy them .Only tell someone about your sexuality if they ask and you feel like telling them and above all: Do not make a big deal out of it. You're gay. So what? I'm straight. It's just sexuality, bro. It takes all kinds right?

Regarding Lesbians. Straight guys find that hot because you've got two women getting hot with each other but it's not fair that Lesbians get praised and gay dudes get chastised. Morgan Freeman said "You're not Homophobic; you're not scared, you're just looking for an excuse to be an ass.". I have a cousin who 'came out' (I hate that term though) and since then he has elevated into a drama queen, acting like a depressed romantic about his many failed one night stands and the idiot even cut his wrists too despite being surrounded by friends and loads of family and flaunting his homosexuality to the point where he's really happy about being gay...I don't know what it is about some gay dudes that have to act like drama queens but it's a bad image for the gay community much the same as acting like a woman is because again; it brings out the homophobe's. P.S, No my cousin isn't a depressive, he's just an attention whore.

As for having issues: Don't come onto UM and complain about it, get the **** out there and do something about it. It won't mend itself you know and in the end, the only person that can really care enough to change the circumstances is you.

[Liquid Gardens]

Voyager, on 18 January 2013 - 11:36 AM, said:

Well, even though I can relate to men on some level because I grew up with many of them, it's tough, if not impossible for me to feel like I am "one of the guys." I can play along with the best of them, but as far as internal security goes, I have none when it comes to being a man. I feel very insecure and inadequate around "real men." It's also hard for me to have male friends, because if I'm attracted to them my attracted often, if not always, gets in the way of anything else. I have concluded that I must be a sex addict, which is why I'm studying up on the subject now.

One of the my associates---the best male friend I've ever had---just had sort of a fall out because of me crossing certain boundaries and dishonoring the relationship. And it's very painful, to tell the truth. It seems like I can never hold on to a good relationship with a man. And I'm usually not as good a friend as people are to me. I guess I really have some issues...

Overall I'd recommend that you not be too hard on yourself.  First off, don't assume that the 'real men' you know don't feel insecure and inadequate also.  More importantly, give yourself some credit as unlike these 'real men' (by which I assume you mean 'heterosexual men'; you are a real man by the way), they do not have to live a society and culture where their sexuality is disapproved of or shunned by too many; you do, and that means that on that front you have shown more strength than they have to.  As far as your really having some issues, to a large extent that is just part of life.  I think the fact that you are asking yourself whether you are as good a friend as people are to you is entirely normal and healthy (assuming you're not going too far with it), that shows you are considerate and cognizant of other people and their feelings.  Yes, you will probably have to cool it on trying to get something intimate going with your heterosexual friends, but again, lesson learned. It's not always fun to have to confront things that you may not like about yourself, but it's certainly, well I'm not a big fan of 'manly' since women to me are usually the stronger gender, but it certainly is 'adult' and 'mature'.

[Babe Ruth]

Homosexuality is natural.  Certainly a minority position, but natural, since virtually all animal species display the behavior to one degree or another.  They showed a genetic component to it at least 30 or 40 years ago.

Nothing to be ashamed of, IMO.

[SubjectDigamma]

Yeah I'm not gay but one of my friends is ill let her post sometime to help u out

[The world needs you]

Voyager, on 18 January 2013 - 11:36 AM, said:

I have always identified and felt more comfortable/at home with women. I've always been apathetic toward sports, automobiles, most "guy" things.

This is not a specifically homosexual thing as noted already by Rlyeh.

Also homosexuality, or heterosexuality, have little to do with actual sexual intercourse, they are alignments on who we are romantically attracted too. That has nothing to do with sex per se.

Sexual addiction is something different altogether that has nothing to do with either social gender roles or normal sexual relations. In other words these are three separate issues that, whether or not you believe are the same, might come across to others as being portrayed that way by reading your post. They are indeed part of one complex for you but that is not the case for all.

A fourth issue is not being able to relate to other men could actually be a more general issue of not being able to relate to anyone. You can suffer the latter but still prefer or be drawn to more feminine aspects of society and then confuse yourself thinking you are just not able to relate to men when in fact it is an inability to relate to all. A good gauge might be this, have most of your friends been male or female? Then ask regardless of male or female have you been able to keep friends long term in normal friendly relationships? Only by asking both can we accurately assess but I am not saying this is an issue with you, just a possibility for those in similiar situations.

[The world needs you]

On the separate topic of heterosexual and homosesual, even bisexual, these are all old labels that we no longer really need.

People should just be able to be people, we don't really need labels, some simply now identify with Q on the LGBTQ spectrum.

[Babe Ruth]

What is the Q?

[Paracelse]

Voyager, on 18 January 2013 - 11:36 AM, said:

One of the my associates---the best male friend I've ever had---just had sort of a fall out because of me crossing certain boundaries and dishonoring the relationship. And it's very painful, to tell the truth. It seems like I can never hold on to a good relationship with a man. And I'm usually not as good a friend as people are to me. I guess I really have some issues...

Anyone afraid like that may have personal issues on their own,  I don't really know never having been in your situation but my gay friends remain good friends before and after I found out about it.  Friendship is not based on sexuality or at least IMHO it shouldn't be.

[Voyager]

Well, the real reason for our "fall-out" (for lack of a better term---there wasn't any yelling or anything), was not so much of me coming on to him but rather betraying his trust.


There are a lot of things he has confided in me, already being aware of my sexuality as well as my attraction to him---this is why I say he is the best of friends. He knew I was gay before we even became friends. I was actually very attracted to him long before I ever met him, but we became friends through mutual acquaintances. We really connected at this conference we went to, where on the last day he called me out of a crowd, gave me a strong hug and told me that he loved me a few times. Some things happened even after that to let me know he was sincere and genuine in his care and understanding of me. Because of this, I had so much respect for him that I would defend him at any cost and not let anyone talk about him around me.


Well, fast-forward to him getting in a relationship with this one girl who was trouble for him, disregarding any and all of my advice on the matter and withdrawing from me for a short time. In the midst of our separation I started hearing some things from other people about him that put doubt in me about the kind of person he was. I began to feel kind of betrayed and abandoned at the same time. So, in my anger, I started joining in on the gossip. Now, I never told anyone things that he told me in confidence because I knew better than that, but it was subjective things about his character/personality, that other people people noticed as well, that I talked about with them. There were a lot of things that a lot of people were saying about him that seemed out of his character, but because I already had something against him, my judgment was clouded and I took what they said to be the truth.


Well, a couple of nights ago, he had this friend girl of his in his room and the door was closed with them in there for a couple of hrs. This is a compromising position for him since he is a Christian and a leader. I knocked on the door at one point and it sounded like he said "there's a lady in here." Well, common sense would tell you what that means! So, I drew my own conclusions in my mind that what people had been saying was in fact true, coupled with my jealousy of their relationship. I was so angry and hurt that I left the house and didn't come back until 2 in the morning (knowing I had to be up for work in 3 hrs).


I had a private meeting with him a couple of days later and and laid everything out on the table. It turns out that my perception of him was off. first of all, the young lady was giving him a back massage the other night, and that he was also following the rules of the house (he wasn't in the house alone---his other friend---owner of the apartment---was there), but he admitted that it was a compromising position, as it can give others another impression. I told him what other people were saying about him, and he was actually sitting there with a note-pad writing down everything I was saying even before I said it, along with the names (which I didn't mention) of the people who said them. He let me talk for about 20 minutes, and when I was done, he explained everything to me, and I felt so dumb. My perception had been way off! And he was also upset that I believed so many lies after knowing him for so long, and that I chose to dwell on such negativity. But I explained to him also what it was rooted in and told him about how I felt when he was dealing with that girl some time ago. I had also sent an inappropriate/subtle sexual text (he sent a text to one of his male/straight friends that he wanted a big hug and a kiss, but mistakingly sent it to me, so I told him he could have a hug and kiss, but he knew that the way I meant it was different from the way his str8 friend would've meant it) to him, which he was kind of offended by but didn't say anything. He told me he also sees how I look at him but that bothers him but he doesn't say anything about it. But he was most bothered m=by the fact that after everything he confided in me that I didn't trust and believe the best of him---something he wouldn't do to me. So, he was basically being a better friend to me than I was being to him... when I thought it was the other way around.


He is talking to me again now (because he doesn't hold on to offenses), but only time will tell if it will be like it was. I was hoping that our friendship would get better since we laid everything out on the table and got things of of our chest, which was why I called to meet with him in the first place. But I know his standards of friendship and how he cuts of friends who betray his trust. I know also that he is more patient with me than anyone else. So I am hoping that things won't just be forgiven but reconciled (back to the way it was) between us and that we will be even closer since the baggage isn't wedged between us anymore.

[sslama]

Like others have said....just be yourself.  Straight, gay....all the same problems.  Everyone has problems with relationships, trying to fit it, trying to find love.....JUST BE YOURSELF and find something that you are interested in and don't worry about that so much.  Enjoy your life.