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Trying to be a caregiver


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#1    markdohle

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Posted 22 May 2013 - 12:56 PM

Trying to be a caregiver


Boundaries can be difficult when trying to be a caregiver.  Each person is so unique that different paths need to be taken with them.  The compulsive side to any gift one has is the major source of suffering in any aspect of work and the only way out of that situation is to yet again look at the under-side of the upper-side.  People who need to be taken care or in positions of powerlessness that most of us don't understand until we are there.  So when to allow and when to say no can be difficult.  Dealing with their anxious concerns can also be wearing, but I believe that anything worthwhile will always bring a time of self-introspection and hopefully a new beginning until next time.  If not, well there is always burn out.

Many become caregivers because they have to.  Taking care of one person, a loved one, can actually be much more difficult than what I do, since I have help and work in an environment where I can if need be take a break.  Those who are alone often can’t, so the experience is different not only by degree but also the danger to physical health.  Family caregivers often die before the ones they are trying to help, the stress being so great.  For some this happens because they never learn to set boundaries, nor can they let go of control of their role and allow others in….this can be and in fact is often unconscious.  For others, other family members don’t help; often because the caregiver fails to let others know what they exactly need, then get angry when no help comes their way.  It is a difficult situation for all when this happens.

If the care giver knows that his or her self-care is up to them, then things won’t spiral out of control.  Self care leads to a better ability to care for others.  If not then there is anger, resentment and communication can be impossible.  What I call a ‘human situation’, one that can’t be resolved since any responsibility is not taken to rectify the situation.


#2    GreenmansGod

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Posted 22 May 2013 - 05:06 PM

I have done it 3 times. You couldn't get me to do it again. My roommate is doing it now for his 80 yr old mother. it is one of the reasons I took him in. I knew what he is going through. I can't really help him other than to give him a sanctuary of peace and an understanding ear. I have been on both sides of the coin, in a situation when I was in wheelchair.  Either way it can be a nightmare.  I know when you're a caregiver sometimes you have to stand up and demand help.  It is out there, but you have to seek it out.  I know a woman who has 7 other siblings not one of them do anything to help her with her father.

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#3    Sweetpumper

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Posted 22 May 2013 - 06:01 PM

It sucks, but some of us don't have a choice. Luckily, I've got lots of help.

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#4    markdohle

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Posted 23 May 2013 - 11:35 PM

View PostDarkwind, on 22 May 2013 - 05:06 PM, said:

I have done it 3 times. You couldn't get me to do it again. My roommate is doing it now for his 80 yr old mother. it is one of the reasons I took him in. I knew what he is going through. I can't really help him other than to give him a sanctuary of peace and an understanding ear. I have been on both sides of the coin, in a situation when I was in wheelchair.  Either way it can be a nightmare.  I know when you're a caregiver sometimes you have to stand up and demand help.  It is out there, but you have to seek it out.  I know a woman who has 7 other siblings not one of them do anything to help her with her father.

You are a good friend.  I agree, at times demands have to be made, just to get through the experience.

peace
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View PostSweetpumper, on 22 May 2013 - 06:01 PM, said:

It sucks, but some of us don't have a choice. Luckily, I've got lots of help.

I glad that you do.  Most of us will need care when we get old.

Peace
mark


#5    monk 56

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Posted 26 May 2013 - 03:23 PM

Three Cheers for care givers from one that needs care, they are saints!!!

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#6    Purplos

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Posted 26 May 2013 - 05:43 PM

I grew up when my mother was being full-time caregiver to my grandmother in our house. I saw how horrible it was, how stressful. My mother had no help, and only 2 hours off a week when I took care of my grandmother... just little things: get her tea and such. She was immobile, incontinent and bad tempered.

I live with my mother now, and she just turned 70. She's in good shape and still works, but I know that will change in the next several years. I will be her full-time caregiver then until she dies. I know how hard it will be, but she deserves it.

My father is in assisted living facility right now, living out the end of his life. It's very different.

Edited by Purplos, 26 May 2013 - 05:43 PM.

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#7    markdohle

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 12:39 PM

View PostPurplos, on 26 May 2013 - 05:43 PM, said:

I grew up when my mother was being full-time caregiver to my grandmother in our house. I saw how horrible it was, how stressful. My mother had no help, and only 2 hours off a week when I took care of my grandmother... just little things: get her tea and such. She was immobile, incontinent and bad tempered.

I live with my mother now, and she just turned 70. She's in good shape and still works, but I know that will change in the next several years. I will be her full-time caregiver then until she dies. I know how hard it will be, but she deserves it.

My father is in assisted living facility right now, living out the end of his life. It's very different.

Hopefully it will not be as extreme.  If she is still in good shape, well many don't have to have care full time until the last few weeks or months of their lives....actually that is the most common for most.  Thank you for your comment, and you are lucky to have such a mother.

peace
mark


#8    Still Waters

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 01:04 PM

I don't know which is the hardest. Trying to care for someone who doesn't understand anything (like dementia) and fights against you, or trying to care for someone who does understand but has a mind of their own strong enough not to cooperate with you. I've been in both those situations.

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#9    markdohle

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Posted 08 June 2013 - 11:03 PM

View PostStill Waters, on 08 June 2013 - 01:04 PM, said:

I don't know which is the hardest. Trying to care for someone who doesn't understand anything (like dementia) and fights against you, or trying to care for someone who does understand but has a mind of their own strong enough not to cooperate with you. I've been in both those situations.

Yeah me as well my friend.  I think it is harder when they know, but don't understand that they are a danger to themselves.

peace
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#10    Professor T

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 12:31 AM

When I left work to look after my father I noticed that his self independence slipped away quite rapidly, and he needed more and more help. Thinking back, I wonder if it wasn't my constant presences that caused this, but at least he was happier than he'd been in a while. It sure was a balancing act trying to keep him independent while being there to help when needed. Sure we had our disagreements born of stubbornness, but at the end of the day, it was the being there that mattered the most. In many ways it makes you, the carer, suffer a long goodbye. But now that era is behind me, and I find that it was an honour. We had our boundaries, our unspoken agreements.. At the end of the day though, it's the being there that's precious.


#11    Purplos

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 12:35 AM

Quote

Trying to care for someone who doesn't understand anything (like dementia) and fights against you

My son is autistic and he is much like this. I will be caring for him for as long as I can as well.

I hope I'm strong enough for the tasks. I plan to be.

Embrace the impossible.

#12    markdohle

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 12:24 PM

View PostProfessor T, on 09 June 2013 - 12:31 AM, said:

When I left work to look after my father I noticed that his self independence slipped away quite rapidly, and he needed more and more help. Thinking back, I wonder if it wasn't my constant presences that caused this, but at least he was happier than he'd been in a while. It sure was a balancing act trying to keep him independent while being there to help when needed. Sure we had our disagreements born of stubbornness, but at the end of the day, it was the being there that mattered the most. In many ways it makes you, the carer, suffer a long goodbye. But now that era is behind me, and I find that it was an honour. We had our boundaries, our unspoken agreements.. At the end of the day though, it's the being there that's precious.

Yes, true, and I doubt you were the cause of his sudden need for care.  In fact, you most likely saved your father from having a bad fall, which could have killed him, a common occurance.  Living by oneself has it dangers.

peace
mark


#13    markdohle

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 12:25 PM

View PostPurplos, on 09 June 2013 - 12:35 AM, said:

My son is autistic and he is much like this. I will be caring for him for as long as I can as well.

I hope I'm strong enough for the tasks. I plan to be.

I think you will to.  You seem like a caring, lovely woman.

peace
mark





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