Never_Hit_Nirvana Posted July 2, 2007 #1 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Let's see how long this thread lasts...LOL. I am ever so paranoid of the mods. LOL. But anyway, here's the deal... A couple-three months ago, my wife cheated on me and took off. Y'all know the story, I've whined about it enough -- sorry about that, by the way. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I meet someone. She's wonderful, pretty sweet, funny. Just one complication...she's married. So I am thinking, "Oh cool, new friend!" My intentions are entirely innocent. We zing e-mails around, talk on the phone, hang out when we can, and uh oh happens. Now it is "friends with benefits", which would morally bother me, except that her husband cheated on her, and their marriage is failing. Now, if I had treated my wife like garbage and she took off, OK, I couldn't take any kind of moral high ground here. But I think I can, since I treated my wife like a Queen, just as I do any woman I am involved with, while my friend's husband has done her wrong. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but I do not feel I am being hypocritical by going from the guy who was cheated on, to the other guy in this situation, as some of my other 'friends' have accused me of doing. And y'all, don't hold back. I'm not looking to start a fight, just trying to understand the position of some of my 'friends'. I should be obvious by now that what someone thinks of me doesn't matter much to me anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShaunZero Posted July 2, 2007 #2 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I think you did the right damn thing. Give people what they deserve! You're not only helping yourself get over your wife, but you're helping your "friend" cope with her husband cheating on her! And not only that, you're giving him what he deserves! I don't see any negetives in this from a logical stand point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hnnjsn Posted July 2, 2007 #3 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Let's see how long this thread lasts...LOL. I am ever so paranoid of the mods. LOL. But anyway, here's the deal... A couple-three months ago, my wife cheated on me and took off. Y'all know the story, I've whined about it enough -- sorry about that, by the way. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I meet someone. She's wonderful, pretty sweet, funny. Just one complication...she's married. So I am thinking, "Oh cool, new friend!" My intentions are entirely innocent. We zing e-mails around, talk on the phone, hang out when we can, and uh oh happens. Now it is "friends with benefits", which would morally bother me, except that her husband cheated on her, and their marriage is failing. Now, if I had treated my wife like garbage and she took off, OK, I couldn't take any kind of moral high ground here. But I think I can, since I treated my wife like a Queen, just as I do any woman I am involved with, while my friend's husband has done her wrong. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but I do not feel I am being hypocritical by going from the guy who was cheated on, to the other guy in this situation, as some of my other 'friends' have accused me of doing. And y'all, don't hold back. I'm not looking to start a fight, just trying to understand the position of some of my 'friends'. I should be obvious by now that what someone thinks of me doesn't matter much to me anyway. whos to say she wont cheat on you? You both are cheaters so maybee youll be a good match. I wouldnt get to emotionally involved if your going to be living like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnakeProphet Posted July 2, 2007 #4 Share Posted July 2, 2007 It's not about being a hypocrite. What her husband has or has not done is not really up to you judge, unless you're actually asked to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star_girl Posted July 2, 2007 #5 Share Posted July 2, 2007 You of all people should know better... You know how it feels to be cheated on when you are still married. What if she is just using you to get back at her husband? The decision is hers and what will happen if she forgives her husband and goes back to him? How will you feel then? You have to ask her if she is serious and leave the choice up to her if she will leave her husband, until then she is still married full stop. If the husband finds out about your 'involvement' then it is going to turn into a very horrible situation... Kinda ironic though don't you think? Anyway this is my advice take it or leave it. Star P.S. I voted that you are a hypocrite but this is assuming that you are going ahead with everything and not doing any of the above... I do hope that you come right and offer my humblest appologies if there is more to the story than what you posted... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Never_Hit_Nirvana Posted July 2, 2007 Author #6 Share Posted July 2, 2007 You of all people should know better... You know how it feels to be cheated on when you are still married. What if she is just using you to get back at her husband? The decision is hers and what will happen if she forgives her husband and goes back to him? How will you feel then? You have to ask her if she is serious and leave the choice up to her if she will leave her husband, until then she is still married full stop. If the husband finds out about your 'involvement' then it is going to turn into a very horrible situation... Kinda ironic though don't you think? Anyway this is my advice take it or leave it. Star P.S. I voted that you are a hypocrite but this is assuming that you are going ahead with everything and not doing any of the above... I do hope that you come right and offer my humblest appologies if there is more to the story than what you posted... Oh trust me, the situation could get really ugly, if I stepped back and considered all the connections we all have between us. But I'm not thinking that far ahead, I'm just rolling with the flow. If it all blows up, it all blows up. I just want someone to laugh with right now, and she's perfect for that. I don't think she would leave her husband and I don't want her to. They have kids together and those kids should have parents. But he isn't doing his duty as a husband by cheating on her, and I think there is a little emotional abandonment in there too, so I look at it like I am actually doing good by being bad and giving her something that makes her happy. And my understanding of how it feels to be cheated on is part of my connection with my friend. I understand how she feels right now. If it hurts her cheating husband or not, I could care less, as far as I am concerned he gets what he deserves for not catching on to what he had and treating it properly. That's where I see the difference between me being cheated and me being the other guy. I took care of my business, spoiled my wife rotten and gave her all my attention and she still cheated on me. My friend was pregnant with this idiot's kid and he was sleeping around. I'd like to brain him with a tire iron, actually. He gives guys a bad name, and I guess some might say I am too, but I don't believe that. Like I said, I think, in a way, I am actually doing a good deed. No need to apologize. I told y'all to let me have it. LOL. Didn't expect anyone to pull punches. LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Picturesque Orion Posted July 2, 2007 #7 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Oh trust me, the situation could get really ugly, if I stepped back and considered all the connections we all have between us. But I'm not thinking that far ahead, I'm just rolling with the flow. If it all blows up, it all blows up. I just want someone to laugh with right now, and she's perfect for that. I don't think she would leave her husband and I don't want her to. They have kids together and those kids should have parents. But he isn't doing his duty as a husband by cheating on her, and I think there is a little emotional abandonment in there too, so I look at it like I am actually doing good by being bad and giving her something that makes her happy. And my understanding of how it feels to be cheated on is part of my connection with my friend. I understand how she feels right now. If it hurts her cheating husband or not, I could care less, as far as I am concerned he gets what he deserves for not catching on to what he had and treating it properly. That's where I see the difference between me being cheated and me being the other guy. I took care of my business, spoiled my wife rotten and gave her all my attention and she still cheated on me. My friend was pregnant with this idiot's kid and he was sleeping around. I'd like to brain him with a tire iron, actually. He gives guys a bad name, and I guess some might say I am too, but I don't believe that. Like I said, I think, in a way, I am actually doing a good deed. No need to apologize. I told y'all to let me have it. LOL. Didn't expect anyone to pull punches. LOL. I voted "yes" you are a hypocrit, but just for fun coz I really dont know much of you. As you said, it can really get ugly if this guy finds out. Keep in mind that this guys have kids, I bet this kids woudnt like having their parents divorsed so I think that you should saty away and let them sort this out between them because after all, they are stil married. I know you need someone to talk to but if you get too involved in her matrimony then it could get even more ugly. Or are you trying to confort her because of her husband cheating on her? Does she even know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Never_Hit_Nirvana Posted July 2, 2007 Author #8 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Or are you trying to confort her because of her husband cheating on her? Does she even know? Not explicitly. I mean, if I can make her feel like the Queen of the World, like she deserves to feel, for a night, I'm all for that. And yes, she knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
truethat Posted July 2, 2007 #9 Share Posted July 2, 2007 (edited) To me the worst thing a person can do to themselves is BE the person that interferes with someone elses marriage. Sex has nothing to do with it. You shouldn't have crossed over to being something for her that her husband wasn't. Its not about "cheating" per se, its about honor, and your own sense of dignity. I think everyone has at one point been in a position where they could easily cross a line. You need to ask yourself if you can be that kind of person. As I said, sex has nothing to do with it. When a marriage has a problem, like Mr. Man is not giving her enough attention, and you step in a fill that void, it creates a situation that stops the marriage from growing. Marriage is a journey together, not a system that you live in. I think you should be ashamed of yourself for what you have done to yourself, way before you worry about what you have done to anyone else. Are you a hypocrite? Not really. You're just a fool to throw away your dignity for the momentary and cheap thrill of doing what you did. And I doubt very much that the woman is going to leave her husband. (Not judging you btw, just my honest answer) Edited July 2, 2007 by truethat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bella-Angelique Posted July 2, 2007 #10 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I picked the bag of hammers. I think you did too since you offered it as an option. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Never_Hit_Nirvana Posted July 2, 2007 Author #11 Share Posted July 2, 2007 To me the worst thing a person can do to themselves is BE the person that interferes with someone elses marriage. Sex has nothing to do with it. You shouldn't have crossed over to being something for her that her husband wasn't. Its not about "cheating" per se, its about honor, and your own sense of dignity. I think everyone has at one point been in a position where they could easily cross a line. You need to ask yourself if you can be that kind of person. As I said, sex has nothing to do with it. When a marriage has a problem, like Mr. Man is not giving her enough attention, and you step in a fill that void, it creates a situation that stops the marriage from growing. Marriage is a journey together, not a system that you live in. I think you should be ashamed of yourself for what you have done to yourself, way before you worry about what you have done to anyone else. Are you a hypocrite? Not really. You're just a fool to throw away your dignity for the momentary and cheap thrill of doing what you did. And I doubt very much that the woman is going to leave her husband. (Not judging you btw, just my honest answer) And you know I appreciate honesty, true. So no worries. I thought long and hard about everything you mentioned before I let it it go any farther than friends. I came to the conclusion that I could follow my head and stay out of it, try to climb up to some moral high ground or I could do what I have been doing since I can remember and follow my instincts that said to just let things happen. My instincts have been wrong exactly twice in my life: they are called ex-wives. 2 times out of thousands? Yeah, I'll gamble on those odds. I also came to the conclusion I mentioned above, that I am not a hypocrite or any kind of negative person because I wasn't the same sort of guy that interfered in my marriage. He wandered in unannounced, going so far as to come to my house and pick my wife up and take her away. I'm not going to do that. I'm not even going to try and steal her. Am I going to try and give her a little happiness? Yes, but because I think the world of her as a person and that she deserves it. Should I be the one to do it? No, that's her husband's job. But if he isn't, I'm not going to leave her miserable. Trust me, I understand perfectly your point. If I caught the guy who interfered in my marriage in a dark alley, they'd never find his body. And I expect my friend's husband to feel the same way, were he to ever find out. I would only hope that he would do the same thing I did after my wife cheated: look in the mirror and ask himself, "Is this my fault?" I could answer. "No" to that. He has only himself to blame. That's what opens the door for my reasoning, I guess. I don't look at it as interfering since he already screwed the pooch before I came along. I'm just the clean-up crew. LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Never_Hit_Nirvana Posted July 2, 2007 Author #12 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I picked the bag of hammers. I think you did too since you offered it as an option. No, my answer is a little more complex. All though there are moments where I laugh at myself over this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pandora7321 Posted July 2, 2007 #13 Share Posted July 2, 2007 (edited) Unfortunately, I vote that you are a hypocrite. I also think you are doing what EVERY cheater does, which is to justify why it's not really that wrong of you. I'm sure that's what your wife was doing when she was cheating on you. I mean, I know you say you treated her like a queen, but I bet she has a dozen reasons why it was okay for her to do it too. I'm not saying it's your fault she cheated. I'm saying she had HER reasons just like you do now as to why it was somehow justified. I have been cheated on by two different men and it is a HORRIBLE feeling. I always say that I'm going to stop being the good one and I'm going to cheat on the next guy, but I can't do it. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I would be one of the people inflicting that intense pain and heartache on another woman. I've never cheated and I never will. I just can't bring myself to stoop to the level of someone that does something that hurtful. Then I would be the hypocrite. The bottom line is whether you're male or female.... If you can't commit or want to sleep around STAY SINGLE! If you're in a relationship and you have no self control, LEAVE! It's really not that hard of concept. Edited July 2, 2007 by Pandora2173 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rite Aid Lover Posted July 2, 2007 #14 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Hey Zero, I'm not going to judge you because its not my job, but you never mention that you love the woman... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissMelsWell Posted July 2, 2007 #15 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I'd say (and did) that you're just being dumber than a bag of hammers. This isn't healthy for anyone, not the woman, you, the kids, your friends, family etc... This is a NO win situation. It's fun now, but it won't stay that way and someone(s) is going to be devistated. Break it off man. Do the right thing. You being involved with her is just like True says, you're contributing to her inability to do the right thing in her marriage -- either filing for a divorce or working it out. Step off and let her figure it out. If she divorces, great, you can pick it up then. If not, you still did the right thing. Leaving it off is a win win... going forward with this mess will absolutely be a lose lose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nativechick1989 Posted July 2, 2007 #16 Share Posted July 2, 2007 All I'll say is...'What goes around, comes around.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drego Posted July 2, 2007 #17 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Well, you've both been cheated on... I think it's about time for you two to be happy... It's just a shame that the woman who cheated on you left. Otherwise she could get a taste of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Never_Hit_Nirvana Posted July 2, 2007 Author #18 Share Posted July 2, 2007 All I'll say is...'What goes around, comes around.' Exactly! This is Karma coming back around. Come back on him for what he did to her, and to me for being cheated on myself, and finally being able to exact revenge on the useless half of the male gender. Ha! So never thought of it like that. And I know, you didn't mean it that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Never_Hit_Nirvana Posted July 2, 2007 Author #19 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Well, you've both been cheated on... I think it's about time for you two to be happy... It's just a shame that the woman who cheated on you left. Otherwise she could get a taste of it. Well, my ex's sister is one of my best friends, so I am sure she has heard. Heh heh heh. Twist the knife... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowdyDoo Posted July 2, 2007 #20 Share Posted July 2, 2007 (edited) :::Looking around for the "Yes, you're a hypocrite and Yes, you're dumber than a bag of hammers" option::: I usually don't try to judge others--but since you've put this on a community forum and asked for input, I can speak from experience, man, you're doing the wrong thing. Seems like you're running in a million different places because you've been hurt so bad. Take some time off from romance. Lick your wounds for a while without taking anyone else down with you. Try to make yourself happy--get happy in your own skin--and then maybe you'll be able to invest yourself emotionally into another relationship that has a future. Edited July 2, 2007 by HowdyDoo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drego Posted July 2, 2007 #21 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Lol. Sorry to hear about the whole thing to begin with, but hey, I guess any bad thing can lead to something good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Never_Hit_Nirvana Posted July 2, 2007 Author #22 Share Posted July 2, 2007 :::Looking around for the "Yes, you're a hypocrite and Yes, you're dumber than a bag of hammers" option::: I usually don't try to judge others--but since you've put this on a community forum and asked for imput, I can speak from experience, man, you're doing the wrong thing. Seems like you're running in a million different places because you've been hurt so bad. Take some time off from romance. Lick your wounds for a while without taking anyone else down with you. Try to make yourself happy--get happy in your own skin--and then maybe you'll be able to invest yourself emotionally into another relationship that has a future. That is exactly what I intended to do. Take some time off, clear my head, zen out. Was starting to get the feel of it after a couple of months... And then I met her, one of those people you click so well with it is audible. As far as the running because I am hurt thing....I've thought that over, too. Doesn't seem to have much to do with it. If I was, I would have done some really retarded things already. God knows I've had the chance. But I passed on them because I wasn't looking for anything. This, ah, just too much for me to fight. I have been happier in my own skin lately. Granted it is not the skin I wanted or thought I would have, but I'm rolling with it. That's what drives me bonkers about my friends calling me a hypocrite about this. I don't see how I am for one, and two shouldn't my friends be happy I am happy? The few that aren't jumping me on this are rooting me on, and I love them dearly for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Never_Hit_Nirvana Posted July 2, 2007 Author #23 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Lol. Sorry to hear about the whole thing to begin with, but hey, I guess any bad thing can lead to something good That is kind of what I am thinking. While the jury is still out on whether it will be something good or bad in the end, right now it makes me laugh more than I have in two and a half months. The few friends that haven't stopped talking to me have even commented on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HowdyDoo Posted July 2, 2007 #24 Share Posted July 2, 2007 That is kind of what I am thinking. While the jury is still out on whether it will be something good or bad in the end, right now it makes me laugh more than I have in two and a half months. The few friends that haven't stopped talking to me have even commented on that. Yeah, I used all sorts of mind games and justifications to excuse myself, too. But when you come down to it, you're going to end up hurting again, and possibly hurting someone else. If she's worth it--wait it out. Wait until she makes sure that there is nothing left of her marriage. Let her give it a good try, or she may regret it later. If you stay in the picture now, it will only mess her up more. Then, if her marriage still falls apart, you'll be there. (If you really care.) I know you won't do this--you're running by the seat of your pants and have given up. This is obvious from your other threads. Simply satisfying yourself now won't replace the work you have to do--fixing what's broken inside. Finding the place God wants you to be. Sooner or later, it will catch up with you. I'll pray for you. (Even if you don't want prayers.) What ya' don't know can't hurt you, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IamsSon Posted July 2, 2007 #25 Share Posted July 2, 2007 If you really don't care what anyone thinks, then why are you asking? If your conscience is not bothering you, then why do you need to ask these questions? If there really is no right or wrong, why does it matter, shouldn't you just do what feels good to you and whatever consequences this has on anyone else is their problem not yours? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now