supervike, on 10 December 2012 - 09:22 PM, said:
This isn't the one but it's still great. I'll save someone three bucks with a long summary.
It starts with a POV scene of "Bigfoot" stomping through the forest while wildlife in stock footage appear to see Bigfoot coming and run away. It only takes five minutes before you see the Patterson footage.
How can you argue with narration like this?
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Under the supervision of North American Wildlife Research, investigators began feeding data into computers. After months of computerized research on behavior patterns, migratory movement [?], and eyewitness descriptions, the computer began answering the many questions surrounding these mysterious creatures. By programming the data from hundreds of sightings, the computer drew us a picture of Bigfoot. It corresponded with the Patterson film.
What do we see here? A plotter drawing a cartoon that looks something like a guy in an ape suit. I guess the computer is right! Furthermore, these advanced computers have narrowed down the very area where the Sasquatches are living in complete solitude and the researchers are going to go to this remote area to
capture one. Will they succeed?
Lots of stock footage of the British Columbia forests. Introduction of the team which includes who you would expect in 1977: your standard floppy hatted "mountain man" smoking a pipe, your "Indian with leather headband", your "camp cook" who looks like a gold prospector from 1849, and of course the bearded researcher. There is also Bob Vernon of "National News Service", a reporter for "a major news source". He's actually a bad actor delivering stiff monologues at the researcher:
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That's right. I don't believe in Bigfoot. I'm here because I'm good at my job and the pay is enough to be practical. If not desirable. I'd much rather be on the streets of New York City. Where the enemy is visible. And real instead of chasing some mythological boogie man in the woods.
"His negative attitude disturbs me" says the narrator. What disturbs me is that he sounded like he was reading his lines off of a cue card.
Then lots of filler with horses and the "reporter" looking villainous at the Bigfoot hunting heroes. He going to kill them all in their sleep. They ride along as miles and miles of stock wildlife footage is intercut with them. How lucky! They just happened to come across a wolf nursing her cub, then a badger gets to close and they fight just ten feet from the camera. This happens every time I go hiking. I hope they have enough film to shoot Bigfoot when they find him!
Even more scenery of "this primitive country" mixed with even more stock footage of animals. Mountain Man suddenly yells "Hold up! Bring yer binoc'lars! It's grizzly!" Shoot, I thought it would be Bigfoot. The "reporter" pretends to take close up photos of the bear with a tiny lens. The community theater rejects continue to play their characters with the "Cook" fixin' up some salami sandwiches and the Mountain Man saying "I figger it'll be 'bout three weeks" until they get to Bigfoot country. The "Indian" tells us, "That particular area of B.C. has been taboo for my tribe and others as long as Indian history goes back."
Jeepers, they're being stalked by a cougar! We see the evil creature's POV through the bushes. Do cougars like salami sandwiches? I guess they do as an actual trained cougar "attacks" our heroes as seen in several takes of it jumping at them. Now the dogs are chasing the cougar up into a tree. WTF! They shot the cougar in a tree! "It would have stalked us and followed us!" Right. The cougar falls from the tree and plays dead proving it's the most trained actor so far.
Day for night scene of Reporter asking Mountain Man if he's seen a Sasquatch. Nope, he's only seen tracks. "Some biggens. Some littlens." Oh no, this leads to a flashback of miners on Mount Saint Helens back when the top was still on it. More community theater rejects play the miners who are stalked by the camera/Bigfoot. We see some shaggy legs. Oh, then we see the outline of Bigfoot on top of a hill! Bigfoot
is blurry! And I think he's pissed about something. Did Bigfoot claim this gold already? We see Bigfoot through the window as the miners sleep in the cabin while it's bright as day outside.
Then Bigfoot attacks! A fist through a window not visible on the exterior and he's got a miner by the neck. Another Bigfoot appears to drop stones on the cabin in support. He smashes another window. Blam blam blam from the guns. "Went on fer moster the night" but they didn't hit a one! "That's some story, Josh" mumbles the reporter.
More stock wildlife footage. A bear cub swimming a river which is adorable but not worth the three dollars I paid Amazon. Narrator rambles on about how nature is so pretty and people shouldn't mess it up. Oddly no Bigfoot tracks yet. Stock footage of marmots sliding down the hills in the snow. They're cute too. Uh oh, the Mountain Man looks confused as he consults a crude map drawn on what appears to be a handkerchief. Was this movie the inspiration for the Blair Witch Project?
Oh we hear growling! Is it Bigfoot? No just
more stock footage, this of two bears fighting. Or mating. I can't tell. It goes on for about two minutes. After that, they "continued on the game trail" to more stock footage. OK, they're going to cross the Peckatoe River into "Sasquatch country". Reporter takes more shots with tiny lens. Oh no, the
Wikipedia entry for this movie says the river doesn't even exist and it was all filmed here in Oregon. No wonder this looks familiar. Damn, I should have read that before paying for this.
More hijinks with the Cook and some cute trained animals, I mean "varmits", stealing his food. The shirtless Indian won't cross the river because it's taboo. I guess they'll just leave him. Day for night Mountain Man says Teddy Roosevelt saw Bigfoot. Of course this leads to a flashback. A small flaw in the story is that it's just something Roosevelt heard. Summary: a bear wrecked their camp. About midnight they shot at a bear. The next day we find one of the fellows dead. From a bear attack. Bring on Bigfoot already.
OK, back to crossing that river that doesn't really exist. Uh oh, the Indian's horse fell over in the water. I guess that's why they're forbidden to cross it. The Cook falls into the drink too and nearly drowns in his own stupidity. Everyone's OK. The Indian has his shirt back on. The narrator waxes about how different everything is on the other side of the river:
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There was an abundance of game everywhere! More than I had ever seen before! And none of the animals seemed afraid of us! Perhaps we were the first horses and men they had seen.
Of course we see a trained raccoon playing with our heroes in a stream.
Narrator says that research showed that Bigfoot eats lots of vegetation. That's news to me. They should be easy to find then. A horse gets stuck in the mud. When this happens just beat the living crap out of it until it finds a way out. Now the Reporter is tired of taking orders. "Aye aye, captain." I told you he was going to kill them all.
Now a day for night bear attack. The bear attacks the Reporter for being a jackass in the last scene. The Wikipedia article is right -- it's really a bear eating candy off of a guy's shoulder while he's screaming. This was worth the three bucks. Now I know not to put candy on my shoulders when I'm hiking.
Lots more day for night scenery. Indian mumbling something. The Indian is out on guard while talking to the camp on a CB walkie talkie. The Indian radios "Something is approaching! Do you hear anything?" "No" the Narrator responds.
"Then it is already here!" That line would have been in the trailer for sure. The horses are freaked. The dogs are freaked. Then a "howoooool" sound followed by a low "hwwwaaaahhhhh!" More, "Hwah! hwah! Huuuwah!" The Cook runs around with toilet paper. "It had to be a Sasquatch! Nothing else sounds like that!" That goes into the trailer too.
Now Josh the Mountain Man is missing from camp. Whoa! Hold on a damn minute! In the Blair Witch Project, Josh
also goes missing. It's the same damn movie! Ed Ragozzino should have sued them for millions! Oh wait, the Mountain Man just didn't have that "radio gizmo turned on." I guess it's not the same movie.
The next day they find tracks! They are the typical Bigfoot tracks where Bigfoot carefully presses down evenly on the ground so the shape of each toe is clear and distinct. "They're about four hours old" says someone from CSI: Miami. "After all this time!" the Investigator acts with awe. They try to follow the tracks but it leads to huge mountains, then the wind blows. It starts to rain but they find more tracks, just two or three hours old they know somehow. They find broken trees which is how Bigfoot marks his territory. "From here we go with danger" says the Indian, sounding like Kwai Chang Caine from the old "Kung Fu" series.
Getting close to the end. They set up camp and the vaguely-described "electronic monitoring device" which was designed to detect Bigfoot. Actually it's just eight thin wires strung between trees. They're locked and loaded with tranquillizer guns and the day for night should make spotting Bigfoot a cinch. Wire four has been broken! Now wire three has been broken! The stomping of feet! The "hoooowwwrrrah" and the "hwah! hwah!" is back. Someone on the radio says "He's just mighty close!" "He circling the meadow!" "I can hear it breathing!" Jeepers there's more than one! Someone is walking through the trees. Oh that's Bigfoot? Okay, I'll play along. He approaches in the traditional "bogah bogah" pose with his arms up in the air. Is he surrendering? Nope. more rock throwing!. Now Bigfoot is trashing the camp. A brief glance of a Bigfoot mask. The tranq guns put two trees to sleep. Blam blam blam go the more traditional firearms! Nothing doing. Bigfoot strolls around like he owns the forest.
"He is gone. We can go home", mumbles the Indian. "It looks..." says the Investigator. Then a minute later he finishes the sentence with "...like we're finished here." The Narrator admits they hadn't learned anything but there will be more investigations! You can run but you can't hide, Bigfoot!
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