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Help! my physcial reality is unstable


Luxord

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To start, I will say that it is a long story that has led me to this point in my life. I will simplify what has happened and then explain what is happening.

To begin, I have had two major psychotic episodes. Both of which involved an intense and fathomless amount of intricate, detailed, destructive, and mind bending reality fluctuations. Although both episodes are equally important I will be only be talking about the second one. And honestly, the second one was a living hell. To begin, my reality during my second episode was mind shattering. It didn't hold back showing me just how not real life really is. it also decided to play a game on me where just my THOUGHTS were enough to significantly and observably alter my environment. Not only was the environment altered, but the specific ENERGY of the environment was altered too. And when I say environment, I also mean people too. There were numerous important features to the event, but i will narrow it down to a few key things i believe will shed light on just how significant this event really was for you. The first thing i will say, is that my ability to feel and discern energy was heightened to extreme psychic proportions. it was as if i took off foggy glasses and suddenly my body and mind was able to perceive and FEEL all the little minute changes in all the energy around me. Not only that, but the energy didn't happen to be normal energy. Instead it is more akin to the idea of a theatrical play and the actors in it, breaking out of character and directly showing you that none of it is real. “Look here Jacob, my sword is flimsy. it isn't even real. My beard is glued to my face, and that wall over there, it is cardboard. Here let me show you.". Basically, my reality unraveled itself to the point I couldn't function in it. My mind (this is the next key point) was in a state of utter and complete confusion. With my heightened senses and constant and volatile fluctuations in the the world around me, my mind was racing desperately to try to make sense of a collapsing reality. I could compare it to a situation in which there are three werewolves holding you down, bite you, and you grow clown shoes on your feet. Meanwhile, the city is being peacefully invaded by ufos. What could you possibly think if that was happening? How could you function in that situation with the additional fact about the heightened senses and fakeness of my reality I described above? Finally, the last main point I will make is that the nature of the people around me changed to demonic qualities. One good example is when my grandmother asked me if I wanted a piece of cake in a cheesy, yet demonic way. She hunched down with her neck and then asked me the question with an exaggerated devilish smile. To say the least, reality wasn’t holding back any punches here. You would have had to have been there but this was intense. Nothing made sense, and no matter how calm I stayed, it didn’t make things any better. Another example would be when I went to jail the same day that my grandmother asked me that question.While I will explain my jail experience, which is the main point I wanted to make here, I will briefly describe just one very small thing that happened to me while I was in there. My mom's friend is an attorney, and at one point when I was in jail for a four day period I came to believe the person I was roomed in with was the devil. As such, I wanted a priest to cleanse me. Sometime later, I get to meet my mom’s friend and he tells me that they are going to bring a priest in to bless me. Ok now what IS THAT?! I didn’t tell him anything! And I mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Lastly, I will mention an important detail. I read and found out recently, that there is a part of your brain that controls and regulates language. It is possible for this to malfunction. Throughout most of my experience I was unable to understand speech. It just sounded garbled, and I couldn’t register words. Now for my main point that I wanted to make.

In jail a lot happened. The highlights of it were that I thought I had to shift to the reality that was in alignment with me by not thinking. Sounds simple right? Until you realize that everything I described above was happening and more. And here is the main point. When I had certain thoughts my environment would behave differently in a unique way that stood out from any normal behavior. This pattern of it changing every time I had a certain kind of thought happened over, and over, and over, and over again. If I had one particular kind of thought, a loud banging noise would happen. And it was LOUD. Doors slamming in jail aren’t very pleasant. Finally, if I thought about people behaving a certain way in response to my thoughts about what I didn’t want to happen, it would generally happen. This last idea, I suppose, it what is happening to me today. While in jail, I thought the police officers were demons being completely disconnected from god and I perceived them that way. I thought they were trying to get me to be like them by giving up on myself and god. One way they did this was through these little devious mind games my environment would play on me. Today, my environment will do the same thing. If I think a particular kind of negative thought, somebody will fake cough or laugh in a strange, yet unsettling way that also sounds fake. It sounds empty, just really empty most of the time. I assumed it was demons trying to get me in a sense like while I was in jail. To make things worse, I worried that people would start coughing this way more and more all the time, and they did start doing that. For MONTHS before they would never do this. The same thing happened with the laughing.

I don’t know what to do, and it is scary and emotionally and mentally exhausting to focus on life in a narrow and focused way to try to prevent this from happening, which really doesn’t help me that much anyways. I am at a stage where I just try to ignore it. However, I don’t know how to make it go away. It excited me to write this and get feedback from a community of intelligent people of a spiritual nature and potential responses from enlightened channelers. If I can get advice, more understanding, or even an angel or higher dimensional being to explain to me what is happening and maybe how to fix it that would be great. Honestly, my life is going to be a constant game of walking on eggshells forever unless I change, get rid of, or replace this traumatic nonsense. This isn’t what I signed up for in life. I don’t want to experience reality this way even if it is an illusion. I am not sure if people are even real anymore. I have very little trust in anyone now. Thank you for reading this and I wish a exciting, special and peaceful life for you. Don't expect me to reply constantly, I am usually busy with school and I have to allocate my time well; especially my free time.

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Edited by tomatoedrama
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Wow..

Despite looking like a wall of text, this is an amazing story..

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Wow..

Despite looking like a wall of text, this is an amazing story..

thank you. I tried adding proper spacing, but it didn't work.

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You should probably see a professional.

That would probably help you more than anyone here could.

Edited by Imaginarynumber1
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I first saw this and figured TLDR but then I saw Proffesor T post and read it.

My heart goes out to you. I wish I knew what to tell you but I don't

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.....

So, Firstly, I am sorry you are going through this.. It must be horrible..

What you've described here is going to be interpreted as a deep Psychosis, a Dark night of the soul, a Psychic reset and all sorts of Quasi "expert" explanations will be offered and argued over.. But ultimately it's your reality, yours to create and interpret and cope with.

Do what's right by you. If that means getting professional help or not, the best thing you can do is do whats right by you.. Everything you have written in your post can be interpreted as a Psychotic episode or some kind of breakdown, and..............can be interpreted as a metaphysical event glimpse beneath the layers. If doing whats wright by you means learning to understand and cope with this then do it.

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As I understand it, you have certain thoughts and the world reacts to them?

If this is the case then apply those thoughts to generating the responses you would like to have happen....

Then see if the results are the same...

If they are then you can go on maturing your thought processes to such a stage as to make them automatic in order to enjoy life as you would like to...

If not then you really need to consider Professional help...

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The only reality is the one you perceive. The mind is a powerful and magnificent beast. it can either control you or you control it.

you start creating that reality and bringing control back a little bit at a time. During a dark time in my life, I felt I had no control over my life. My boyfriend at the time would see things that weren't there, hear things that weren't there and confront elderly couples because he thought they were laughing at him.

I tried to help him, but he needed professional help that was above me. and I had to take care of myself because no one else would.

I had heavy depression and one day, I woke up, as sad at everything and nothing, as could be. I realized I didn't like being sad-miserable. I hated it. I also realized that life wasn't going to give me a handout. so, in that moment, I told my brain that I was done being sad and that was that. Every time I felt my mind going into sadness, I reminded myself that I wasn't going to be sad anymore. my next step was to look for every little thing to be grateful for. I had a meager existence. so I became thankful for the ability to breathe on my own, walk on my own and eat on my own. (not everyone can do that) Then I became thankful for the smell of fresh cut grass, singing birds, taking a dog for a walk, the feel of the wind on my face, etc. I changed my mind from thinking that I can only be happy if I have stuff to only the truly happy are happy when they have nothing at all.

the point is, I took back the control of my mind and how it thought. I made it perceive the reality i wanted it to perceive.

start small...focus...and know that you do have the power to control your reality.

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I would agree that it sounds like you need a professional who can serve as a "sounding board" -- keep you grounded and give you a "reality check" when you need it. Someone who might act as a "life coach" (however I would NOT recommend going to anyone calling themselves a "life coach"... often they're every bit as messed up as you are and they will want to keep you around because you're giving money to them for their services.)

Sometimes a new environment helps things (but not everyone can move to a new city).

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I would agree that it sounds like you need a professional who can serve as a "sounding board" -- keep you grounded and give you a "reality check" when you need it. Someone who might act as a "life coach" (however I would NOT recommend going to anyone calling themselves a "life coach"... often they're every bit as messed up as you are and they will want to keep you around because you're giving money to them for their services.)

Sometimes a new environment helps things (but not everyone can move to a new city).

My meditation instructor advised in one of his classes that people will often look for a new environment to escape their troubles. The problem with that, he said was that you take yourself with you. Your perception truly is your reality.

For the OP, I strongly recommend medical assistance, you don't have to make this a battle of dominance, your mind over you or you over your mind. Addictive degenerative thought forms attach themselves to negative emotional states aka: depression is a prime example. There are medical remedies and a great deal of professional assistance out there for you. A broken pot cannot fix itself, sometimes we need to consider that we need some help. Your experiences are extreme and your capacity for solutions are not up to the same standard or strength as the warped reality playing out before you, recognize your limits. You can always explore the nature of your experience from a distance at a later date once medical solutions have given you back your life.

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i am going to test out multi quptes for two people. if it doesn't work i will just repsond one by one. thanks for the feedback. oh! and that part about angels and channelers was meant for another website. i wrote this story on another website but i thought is was still good enough to be apllicable to this website. i forgot to remove that part though.

Edited by tomatoedrama
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My meditation instructor advised in one of his classes that people will often look for a new environment to escape their troubles. The problem with that, he said was that you take yourself with you. Your perception truly is your reality.

For the OP, I strongly recommend medical assistance, you don't have to make this a battle of dominance, your mind over you or you over your mind. Addictive degenerative thought forms attach themselves to negative emotional states aka: depression is a prime example. There are medical remedies and a great deal of professional assistance out there for you. A broken pot cannot fix itself, sometimes we need to consider that we need some help. Your experiences are extreme and your capacity for solutions are not up to the same standard or strength as the warped reality playing out before you, recognize your limits. You can always explore the nature of your experience from a distance at a later date once medical solutions have given you back your life.

I agree. I take medications and I go to a psychologist every so often. about once every two weeks. honestly, I don't think it's enough. I think it is important for me to share the fact that i am partially schizophrenic. most of my negative thoughts are caused by this voice. it's just me talking to myself but it often feels like it's somebody else. because of this, it really holds me back from enjoying life. and really, my second breakdwon was so traumatic because this voice would lie to me and tell me crazy things that i acted on and believed. I know better now though. whether or not metaphysical things had anything to do with this this expereince, it was still psyhcotic. If you meet aliens in person and you mentally snap as they show you the secrets of the universe, you still snapped.

I would agree that it sounds like you need a professional who can serve as a "sounding board" -- keep you grounded and give you a "reality check" when you need it. Someone who might act as a "life coach" (however I would NOT recommend going to anyone calling themselves a "life coach"... often they're every bit as messed up as you are and they will want to keep you around because you're giving money to them for their services.)

Sometimes a new environment helps things (but not everyone can move to a new city).

I have freinds and family I talk to, and also a psychologist as I said above. however, these people aren't much help as my experience has drawn up questions that really are the hardest kind to answer. things such as, "Is there a god?" "can I control physical reality?" am I god, or is god letting me play god?", or even, "what if it's all in my head. ALL of it?" i don't know the answers to these questions. so, what I do instead is just to constantly follow my excitement and try to enjoy life. that would work better if not for the voice and the lingering after effects of these episodes as i have said.

Edited by tomatoedrama
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The only reality is the one you perceive. The mind is a powerful and magnificent beast. it can either control you or you control it.

you start creating that reality and bringing control back a little bit at a time. During a dark time in my life, I felt I had no control over my life. My boyfriend at the time would see things that weren't there, hear things that weren't there and confront elderly couples because he thought they were laughing at him.

I tried to help him, but he needed professional help that was above me. and I had to take care of myself because no one else would.

I had heavy depression and one day, I woke up, as sad at everything and nothing, as could be. I realized I didn't like being sad-miserable. I hated it. I also realized that life wasn't going to give me a handout. so, in that moment, I told my brain that I was done being sad and that was that. Every time I felt my mind going into sadness, I reminded myself that I wasn't going to be sad anymore. my next step was to look for every little thing to be grateful for. I had a meager existence. so I became thankful for the ability to breathe on my own, walk on my own and eat on my own. (not everyone can do that) Then I became thankful for the smell of fresh cut grass, singing birds, taking a dog for a walk, the feel of the wind on my face, etc. I changed my mind from thinking that I can only be happy if I have stuff to only the truly happy are happy when they have nothing at all.

the point is, I took back the control of my mind and how it thought. I made it perceive the reality i wanted it to perceive.

start small...focus...and know that you do have the power to control your reality.

I have played the game of perception intensely for awhile now. after a certain point, it's not about perception anymore, it's about you and who you really are. Chiefly and importantly, this includes your heart. your heart doesn't lie. your perceptions are a result of your feelings, who you are, your beliefs, and your environment. after a certain point however, perception just becomes one factor in your life and not the main dominate force of it. my main dominate factor right now is my heart, although it is balanced with everything else so it isn't too dominate. the point i am trying to make is that perception isn't everything and only goes so far in how it affects you.

Edited by tomatoedrama
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As I understand it, you have certain thoughts and the world reacts to them?

If this is the case then apply those thoughts to generating the responses you would like to have happen....

Then see if the results are the same...

If they are then you can go on maturing your thought processes to such a stage as to make them automatic in order to enjoy life as you would like to...

If not then you really need to consider Professional help...

I am doing this now, it doesn't work. I can influence my reality in a negative way almost instnatly, but when I want it to negate the environment of my psychotic epsiodes it doesn't. and even if it did, that would mean me constantly having to play god for the rest of my life. Imagine that any negative thought you have in the slightest causes you to create a negative reality. and vice versa. you would spend more time trying to anlayze what thoughts to have more than actually living. I'v been there to some extent and I already know now that living my extreme, yet plausible example in this situation would be exhausting and painful. clever idea though, thanks. I have thought of doing that a lot.

Edited by tomatoedrama
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I am doing this now, it doesn't work. I can influence my reality in a negative way almost instnatly, but when I want it to negate the environment of my psychotic epsiodes it doesn't. and even if it did, that would mean me constantly having to play god for the rest of my life. Imagine that any negative thought you have in the slightest causes you to create a negative reality. and vice versa. you would spend more time trying to anlayze what thoughts to have more than actually living. I'v been there to some extent and I already know now that living my extreme, yet plausible example in this situation would be exhausting and painful. clever idea though, thanks. I have thought of doing that a lot.

Thoughts are everything , aren't they. I think that life had to begin with a first thought . I don't think everything is random. You know what I'm thinking about right now I'm thinking about thought , consciousness and spirit .I think I've come to the conclusion that they are pretty much one in the same thing , don't you think so too ? I think so.

I think you'll like this forum and I'm glad that you've found it . It can serve as a fun and creative outlet as well, you'll see, you'll figure it all out . I wish for you to be free of any any any unhappy thoughts. I wish for you to have peace within your heart and peace within your mind and peace within your soul too of course. Your heart is of courage, like on the wizard of oz ... that's very admirable. You're openness is flawless. I absolutely respect and honor that , you're also extremely creative . I'm gad to have had the honor to read what you've shared. I think you'll be fine. Relax your mind for peace to be still when you desire peace to be still relax your mind.

Edited by Ellapennella
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Thoughts are everything , aren't they. I think that life had to begin with a first thought . I don't think everything is random. You know what I'm thinking about right now I'm thinking about thought , consciousness and spirit .I think I've come to the conclusion that they are pretty much one in the same thing , don't you think so too ? I think so.

I think you'll like this forum and I'm glad that you've found it . It can serve as a fun and creative outlet as well, you'll see, you'll figure it all out . I wish for you to be free of any any any unhappy thoughts. I wish for you to have peace within your heart and peace within your mind and peace within your soul too of course. Your heart is of courage, like on the wizard of oz ... that's very admirable. You're openness is flawless. I absolutely respect and honor that , you're also extremely creative . I'm gad to have had the honor to read what you've shared. I think you'll be fine. Relax your mind for peace to be still when you desire peace to be still relax your mind.

Thanks. I actually believed what you said about me being creative and open, and maybe even what oyu said about me being courageous a little bit. I felt better believing and feeling like something positive about me is true.

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Thanks. I actually believed what you said about me being creative and open, and maybe even what you said about me being courageous a little bit. I felt better believing and feeling like something positive about me is true.

Well I hope you believe me ! (((HUGS for YOU ))) I wouldn't dare lie to you or anyone. I really believe in honesty . It's a part of self illumination , at least I think so anyway.. I think you're pretty amazing . Anyone can see that. The lion didn't know he was king , remember ? He was , it was always in him. He just didn't know it was all. He discovered how magnificent he truly was , remember . yep he sure did . And so will you.

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Well I hope you believe me ! (((HUGS for YOU ))) I wouldn't dare lie to you or anyone. I really believe in honesty . It's a part of self illumination , at least I think so anyway.. I think you're pretty amazing . Anyone can see that. The lion didn't know he was king , remember ? He was , it was always in him. He just didn't know it was all. He discovered how magnificent he truly was , remember . yep he sure did . And so will you.

thanks.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Your original post is very interesting ..... as are subsequent ones. I think you pretty much have a 'handle' on your schizophrenia, it's just that at times everything speeds up so much you find it difficult to process. You are obviously very 'bright' and very perceptive ..... and you are 18! It sometimes happens that these extreme insights first occur around your age ...... you have a lietime to find answers to your questions .... there is no rush! :)

It may well be that you do have schizophrenia, but it may also be the case that because you act, react, vocalise what you are observing, rapidly and in detail, that it is easy for the adults around you to label you as such. Could you try to detach yourself a little? Imagine yourself simply as a spectator/observer and don't react. Try and focus on, and involve yourself with, mundane stuff as much as possible so that the disturbing stuff is 'diluted'. I was going to suggest you learn to meditate but maybe it would be more helpful for you to sit quietly and concentrate on something peaceful(a crystal or flower). Concentration is the practice that leads to meditation.

The main thing is to remember that understanding life takes a lifetime ...... at the very least! So try to be more relaxed about what is happening and just observe it. Don't make any judgements or allow emotions to be stirred up. I wish you well :)

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Thanks for the advice. I get the detachment advice from other people and I observe that other people give it to others other than me a lot too. It is a useful state being, but taking it literally is unhealthy to me. I don't believe you were meant to be JUST an observer to yourself and the world. I belive you were meant to be an observer AND a feeler, a doer, a thinker, and a ponderer. I sometimes be an observer to my voice but it only reinforcers it being separate from me instead of it being me. The plus side is that it does help calm it down. It is bad that I can't go a day without having thoughts that are innapropraite and embraassing that sabtoage me. I am my own wrost enemy in this case.

Also, people don't think I am schizohrenic, I gave myself that label because I know I have it. I tried explaining to my doctors I was talking to a voice but they didn't pay much attention to it. I am glad, since they would have put me on medications for it. The medications for it reduce dopamine levels , which is counter productive to my recovery rom a major depression that lasted for years and just in general.

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Your OP freaked me out a little. I had a friend tell me a very similar story of something that happened to him. He claimed he could impact his own reality and even read minds.

His episode started when he took a new drug that apparently got popular a few years ago. He said after about 3 months of being clean that everything finally went back to normal.

After he told me this story he admitted that it stills freaks him out to think about it because it seemed so real, even being "normal" again he said he still questions if our perception of reality is actually factual.

I wish you the best of luck. The only advice that I am able to offer is to just stay clean if that is what started this.

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I never did drugs but thanks.

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