Is she sending me a message?

[Naughty Mommy]

My mother (maternal grandmother- raised me since birth) passed away in April of 08 and just recently I've been dreaming about her... it usually always involves a her giving me a baby, assisting me in childbirth, or with me when I find out I'm pregnant. When I see the baby, it's always a chubby, pink baby girl. I've struggled with infertility for many years (almost 13) and had given up on having biological children so my hubby and I adopted 2 kids whom I love with all my heart, but for some reason this has stirred up old feelings about a baby and I don't understand how something I so deeply desire something I can't have so it's making me believe that this has nothing to do with a baby.In my dreams I also attend her funeral, and it's always different.

Days after she died I dreamt that she was alive, in her hospital gown and was telling me what she was feeling during her last few days... she gently puts her hand on my throat and I wake up gasping for air. In my dream I tell her to hang on and not die because my sister is coming and as soon as my sister turns the corner she died.

Days ago I dreamt that she is either talking to me on the phone or talking to someone else and I'm listening to the conversation where she says "_(me)__ isn't listening to me" and I'm unsure what the message is about.

I always felt growing up like I was the one who was responsible for her... like I was the parent and she the child. Not because I had to care for her but this maternal feeling.. weird. I was born on her mother's birthday (1900/1977) and although I did not know her because she died I think 8 years before I was born, I felt a strong connection to her.

In one dream I am confronting my uncle (her son) who is a drug addict and treats us like crap, and as I turn and walk away from her she walks besides me and tells me "It's okay, you've done the best you can" while she wraps her arm around my shoulder and walks with me.

I thought this had something to do with my son who can be very difficult at times but I do think there is more to it than that.

I feel so helpless because I feel like she's trying to tell me something and I'm not getting it! I feel anxious/excited... like I'm waiting for something and although I don't know what it is, I feel like it's coming from her. I do not know what to make of all this.

NOTE:

Thanks in advance.

Edited March 26, 2009 by Naughty Mommy

[Lady Amethyst]

Hi Naughty Mommy,

Your grandmother loves you and is letting you know she'll be there with you through whatever happens. She knows you want a baby and you've struggled to become pregnant. I'm sorry to hear you've been unsucessful but I'll tell you this: if you can't have your own children it doesn't matter. Lots of people don't have their own children. You're an adoptive mother and you're a very good one by the sound of it. It doesn't matter if they're not your own kids but the truth is YOU ARE A MOTHER. You need healing in regards to this because yes many ppl trying to concieve feel hurt. There's lots of websites around that have forums for people in the same boat.

[Naughty Mommy]

Thank You for the reply. To tell you the truth, I was perfectly fine with not having my own children after we adopted... In fact I thought that if I'd had my own I probably wouldn't have been able to care for these two... so even If I was able to I didn't want to concieve because my son requires so much of me. I've had to quit my job because I was making countless trips to his school and getting constant phone calls regarding his behavior. He is now being homeschooled because of that, and we are under financial strain because we are now down to one income.

My dreams started way before that and I guess the dreams reseeded the desire to have a baby and I can't kick them. I know it's not the right time or perhaps it won't ever be because of my son's issues. I don't know how to stop wanting something that has been reawakened in my heart.

[Lady Amethyst]

Your'e finding motherhood stressful at the moment and it happens. Even a biological mother will feel as you do regarding the homeschool issue. Maybe your dream is saying a few different things? First you can always try for another baby again if you want to. Another thing that your dream could be saying is you need something new and different to change things because it doesn't look very calm. Look into what can help you about your life to make things easier. Broody feelings come and go. Try not to let this baby dream affect you. It looks like you're doing really well under the circumstances with the adopted little one.

Edited March 27, 2009 by Lady Amethyst