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Relationship Advice


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#1    Shego

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 08:03 AM

Well, I really like this guy. I didn't really show it a lot that I liked him because I wasn't that comfortable around him. When I did become comfortable with him and started to open up to him, I overheard he and his friend talking about how he was going to transfer schools. I got angry with him, because he had told me he was crazy for me and that I was his happy place in life. I asked him (through text) did he still like me the same way he did before? He never replied. I tried calling him and texting him for the past weeks, but he hasn't replied. My friend messaged him, and asked him why he wasn't talking to me anymore and he said because "I was too young...and I wanted to be more than friends", which is a lie because he asked me out first, but I had mixed feelings for him at the time so I rejected him, but we continued to hang out. I sent him a bunch of messages on Facebook and it says that he opened them and looked at them. What does that mean? And he told my friend "we were friends", but if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, why doesn't he delete me on Facebook and why is he opening messages I send to him? I don't understand, I still really want the guy, and I miss him a lot, but I don't know why he is doing what he is. Can someone give me some pointers?

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#2    keninsc

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 08:28 AM

He may have been crazy for you, but the time wasn't right. In any relationship three things have to come together. The right person, in the right place, at the right time. Yeah, really. If you don't have these three things going for you then the relationship may not have a chance to begin. Then you say you got angry with him, how angry? Was yelling involved? Foul language? Or was it more passive aggressive? I know that I've had to make a choice in life and been on the receiving end of a life changing choice or two in my time and yeah, it hurts and can make you want to lash out at someone and quite honestly it's a natural reaction.

Now, having said all that, did he transfer or not? Could be it was some sort of test on his part, if it was then he's a game player and not worth your time. Could be he was just thinking about it and wasn't sure, could be he's going to transfer. Maybe, just maybe what you should have done was find out where he was with that choice before you got upset. It's really hard for me or anyone to say what is what since I don't know either of you, but then that's the way of it sometimes. The magic three don't come into play and the whole thing fizzles out before it gets started good.

It's sort of like when I tell someone the only reason you need to ever marry someone is because you love them and simply can't live your life without this person in your life. However, even with that going for you the other side of the coin, that no one ever hears is, there maybe a dozen reasons not to marry that person, even though you're all crazy in love. Then love makes you rationalize the negatives that you see but just choose to overlook.


#3    Shego

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 08:45 AM

View Postkeninsc, on 14 March 2013 - 08:28 AM, said:

He may have been crazy for you, but the time wasn't right. In any relationship three things have to come together. The right person, in the right place, at the right time. Yeah, really. If you don't have these three things going for you then the relationship may not have a chance to begin. Then you say you got angry with him, how angry? Was yelling involved? Foul language? Or was it more passive aggressive? I know that I've had to make a choice in life and been on the receiving end of a life changing choice or two in my time and yeah, it hurts and can make you want to lash out at someone and quite honestly it's a natural reaction.


I started to cry. I called him and left a voicemail of me crying, but he never got back to me. I wrote him a message telling him I felt used, I felt like I was just a booty call to him and he was playing me the entire time. I told him that I really liked him and really wanted him and he does something like this to me, it really hurt me. He never replied, but it said he saw what I wrote. I then took the time to realize what I may have done wrong in the relationship. I apologized to him a week after outburting on him and the another week later I told him, that he needed to stop being immature and just talk to me.I told him all these things I noticed about him when we were hanging out, and I looked over everything he told me in past relationships and told him that I felt he had trust issues with woman (he has been married before and the girl cheated on him and he asked me why he one minute he could be passionate and romantic and the next, everything goes out the door when the chick cannot handle him being away for long periods of time.) I even asked him if he wanted his jacket back and that I wanted by things back from his house. He saw what I wrote to him, but again, didn't reply.

View Postkeninsc, on 14 March 2013 - 08:28 AM, said:

Now, having said all that, did he transfer or not? Could be it was some sort of test on his part, if it was then he's a game player and not worth your time. Could be he was just thinking about it and wasn't sure, could be he's going to transfer. Maybe, just maybe what you should have done was find out where he was with that choice before you got upset. It's really hard for me or anyone to say what is what since I don't know either of you, but then that's the way of it sometimes. The magic three don't come into play and the whole thing fizzles out before it gets started good.

He hasn't transfered. He told me he may tranfer, but I don't know, I still was hurt he was even considering it. I know I overreacted, but I told him and I apologized for it.

View Postkeninsc, on 14 March 2013 - 08:28 AM, said:

It's sort of like when I tell someone the only reason you need to ever marry someone is because you love them and simply can't live your life without this person in your life. However, even with that going for you the other side of the coin, that no one ever hears is, there maybe a dozen reasons not to marry that person, even though you're all crazy in love. Then love makes you rationalize the negatives that you see but just choose to overlook.

Yeah, it's really hard for me. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm stuck thinking about him and missing him. I really don't think he would think the same of me though, I don't think he is thinking about me, cares about me or misses me one bit. But I could be wrong, though his actions do scream he doesn't care about me. what really scares me is that I'll eventually see him in the hallway or something. I have been told to ignore him, but my gut is telling me I should hold my head up high and smile at him and give way to his presence. I don't know what to do...

Edited by Leona Lewis, 14 March 2013 - 08:48 AM.

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#4    RaisingCain

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 09:48 AM

You're eighteen, right? I'm guessing you're eighteen, because your profile says that and these are common teenage problems. But how old is this guy? You mentioned that he's been married, so I'm guessing a bit older; though I don't know what the laws are where you live.

I think you need to calm down on the contact, because that seems a bit much to me. When I guy (or anyone for that matter) doesn't respond to communication, it clearly means they don't want to talk to you. You can't really make him do anything, you're both adults in this. Same as he can't really make you do anything either. My advice would be to leave him alone. You've met him half way, let him come to you.

Love is just chemical. The meaning, that's the choice.

#5    Shego

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 10:29 AM

View PostRaisingCain, on 14 March 2013 - 09:48 AM, said:

You're eighteen, right? I'm guessing you're eighteen, because your profile says that and these are common teenage problems. But how old is this guy? You mentioned that he's been married, so I'm guessing a bit older; though I don't know what the laws are where you live.

I think you need to calm down on the contact, because that seems a bit much to me. When I guy (or anyone for that matter) doesn't respond to communication, it clearly means they don't want to talk to you. You can't really make him do anything, you're both adults in this. Same as he can't really make you do anything either. My advice would be to leave him alone. You've met him half way, let him come to you.

He is 26. And yeah, I'll calm down and give him space. If he still likes me or is interested in me, he'll come to me. It's just hard, when you're confused and the other person isn't telling you anything. :/

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#6    RaisingCain

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 11:22 AM

Look, if you need someone to talk to, just PM me, ok?

Love is just chemical. The meaning, that's the choice.

#7    Moon Gazer

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 11:34 AM

I'd say your best bet is to just back off and let him chill a bit.  Maybe he likes you but is just worried about the age difference?  I'd focus on just re-establishing a friendship first, maybe once he starts spending time with you again he will realise he does in fact like you (as he did before) and that age is not a big problem.


#8    Aim4TheHead

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 01:22 PM

Just move on. Sure you really like him but why waste your time on someone who is ignoring you and isn't sure about his feelings for you?


#9    Shego

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 08:45 PM

View PostRaisingCain, on 14 March 2013 - 11:22 AM, said:

Look, if you need someone to talk to, just PM me, ok?

Okay! :)

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#10    Shego

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 09:00 PM

View PostMoon Gazer, on 14 March 2013 - 11:34 AM, said:

I'd say your best bet is to just back off and let him chill a bit.  Maybe he likes you but is just worried about the age difference?  I'd focus on just re-establishing a friendship first, maybe once he starts spending time with you again he will realise he does in fact like you (as he did before) and that age is not a big problem.

Maybe he has a big ego and I crushed a little when I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. That's why he told my friend I wanted to be more than friends and when she told him that's not the truth, you did, he got angry and told her to not get into his relations with other people. How can I start re-establishing a friendship if I rarely see him on campus? Just wait months until he decides he wants to talk to me, if he ever does? You guys don't understand I'm in the middle of nowhere, I am new to the area and barely know anybody, this guy was like...one out of the two friends I have here and then he dropped me like that, and it hurts. I don't have much I can do to keep myself busy all the time, because after I do all my work there is nothing else to do!

Edited by Leona Lewis, 14 March 2013 - 09:03 PM.

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#11    Mabon

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Posted 14 March 2013 - 09:45 PM

Hello LL.

Sorry if this isn't sugar coated.
You're 18 and he's 26 your both in the same school... I hope collage... or is he a teacher? If he's a teacher he needs to be reported. Even though you're 18 if he is an instructor his boss needs to know about this.

I hate to say this but if you feel used you probably were.
By his behavior he's told you he's does not want to be in a relationship with you and you wanting it isn't going to change that. Personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is obviously manipulating you and and here is a open secret, he'll do it again because you're willing to agree to his terms and his moods and he isn't yours! If he cared about you he would have returned your call or letters to find out if you are OK! No matter what kind of a mood you were in when you called. Being in love with someone isn't loosing yourself in the bargain!

Let experience be your teacher here. You didn't heed your own  inner instinct about this guy. There's no need to be down on yourself about it, (and I'm not either) sometimes we need experience to teach us. You said you weren't that into him at first and were conflicted about seeing him there had to be a reason or several reasons why. But let me guess once he figured out that you weren't he turned on the charm until you did agree to see him? And now that you're into him he's making himself unavailable. Well that's one way to wear down your resistance until you'll agree to any terms to have a relationship with him.
Sometimes nothing is sexier to some people than someone who's been hurt (his marriage and cheating ex) because when we learn these things we think that they are vulnerable and they would never do unto others what's been done to them and that is a load of dung! They are just as capable of wounding others as they were "wounded". And as the old saying goes there are two sides to every story. Unless you know his ex and why she cheated, if his behavior to you is any indication of what a partner he is, then she may have had enough and bailed. I fear that you are projecting something onto him just isn't there! Something along the lines of "I know he's a really sweet and caring guy only he's been SO hurt. If I love him enough he'll know that I'm the one." See where this is really you projecting your need on him.

Step back and take a breath and really look at the situation you've described. Now imagine if one of the best/closet people in your life told you this story about themselves what advice would you give them?

Chalk it up to experience and move on! Yes it sucks! Yes it hurts but this kind of looser is only going to continue this type of behavior. Empower yourself! Love yourself! When the right person comes along there won't be games on either side!

Regards,
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#12    Shego

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Posted 15 March 2013 - 01:15 AM

View PostMabon, on 14 March 2013 - 09:45 PM, said:

Hello LL.

Sorry if this isn't sugar coated.
You're 18 and he's 26 your both in the same school... I hope collage... or is he a teacher? If he's a teacher he needs to be reported. Even though you're 18 if he is an instructor his boss needs to know about this.

I hate to say this but if you feel used you probably were.
By his behavior he's told you he's does not want to be in a relationship with you and you wanting it isn't going to change that. Personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is obviously manipulating you and and here is a open secret, he'll do it again because you're willing to agree to his terms and his moods and he isn't yours! If he cared about you he would have returned your call or letters to find out if you are OK! No matter what kind of a mood you were in when you called. Being in love with someone isn't loosing yourself in the bargain!

Let experience be your teacher here. You didn't heed your own  inner instinct about this guy. There's no need to be down on yourself about it, (and I'm not either) sometimes we need experience to teach us. You said you weren't that into him at first and were conflicted about seeing him there had to be a reason or several reasons why. But let me guess once he figured out that you weren't he turned on the charm until you did agree to see him? And now that you're into him he's making himself unavailable. Well that's one way to wear down your resistance until you'll agree to any terms to have a relationship with him.
Sometimes nothing is sexier to some people than someone who's been hurt (his marriage and cheating ex) because when we learn these things we think that they are vulnerable and they would never do unto others what's been done to them and that is a load of dung! They are just as capable of wounding others as they were "wounded". And as the old saying goes there are two sides to every story. Unless you know his ex and why she cheated, if his behavior to you is any indication of what a partner he is, then she may have had enough and bailed. I fear that you are projecting something onto him just isn't there! Something along the lines of "I know he's a really sweet and caring guy only he's been SO hurt. If I love him enough he'll know that I'm the one." See where this is really you projecting your need on him.

Step back and take a breath and really look at the situation you've described. Now imagine if one of the best/closet people in your life told you this story about themselves what advice would you give them?

Chalk it up to experience and move on! Yes it sucks! Yes it hurts but this kind of looser is only going to continue this type of behavior. Empower yourself! Love yourself! When the right person comes along there won't be games on either side!

Regards,
Mabon.

I understand and he was a student like me. I think I feel worse about the siuation because I did cause it on myself. My actions led to this happening, and I will admit, in the beginning he wasn't a bad guy, I didn't feel used, I felt like he was a good friend and I felt like I was a good friend to him. I should have been more open about the situation and more mature about it, and spoke my mind to him when he was speaking to me, but I didn't do that and I regret it. I guess I am too young for him, but whatever, you're right. I need to learn from this experiance and not let it control me like it has for the past weeks. I didn't know his ex, but I know why she cheated. He wasn't even hesitant in the beginning of talking to me, to actually have me to speak to his ex. I don't know what that shows, maybe he is a nice guy overall, he just has real trust issues with women, and he doesn't have time for my petty, childish drama. Don't blame him.

Edited by Leona Lewis, 15 March 2013 - 01:16 AM.

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#13    Shego

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Posted 15 March 2013 - 01:53 AM

View Postrandmonds4, on 15 March 2013 - 01:36 AM, said:

This is why kids are dumber than ever.Posted Image

Don't call me dumb if you don't know him or me or even the entire story.

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#14    Mabon

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Posted 15 March 2013 - 07:00 PM

View PostLeona Lewis, on 15 March 2013 - 01:15 AM, said:

I understand and he was a student like me. I think I feel worse about the siuation because I did cause it on myself. My actions led to this happening, and I will admit, in the beginning he wasn't a bad guy, I didn't feel used, I felt like he was a good friend and I felt like I was a good friend to him. I should have been more open about the situation and more mature about it, and spoke my mind to him when he was speaking to me, but I didn't do that and I regret it. I guess I am too young for him, but whatever, you're right. I need to learn from this experiance and not let it control me like it has for the past weeks. I didn't know his ex, but I know why she cheated. He wasn't even hesitant in the beginning of talking to me, to actually have me to speak to his ex. I don't know what that shows, maybe he is a nice guy overall, he just has real trust issues with women, and he doesn't have time for my petty, childish drama. Don't blame him.

LL, There is no reason to blame yourself and adding self-blame isn't empowering you, it's going to drag you down and make you more vulnerable in the long run. This is an opportunity to learn about yourself and why you were willing to ignore your instincts. But yours' weren't the only actions that need examined in this or the ones that started this relationship. Your earlier posts didn't say you chased him and hounded him until he finally went out with you. You had reservations, told him no and after him repeatedly asking finally did go out with him.

There are different types of attraction and it's important to know that even though you're attracted to someone if they are a bad influence or have a major character flaw (examples; drug or alcohol dependent, manipulative, physical or mentally abusive) then a healthy relationship with them isn't possible.  They aren't healthy people. Differentiating the type of attraction can help you understand in the future what type of relationship you will allow yourself to be a part of. Sexual attraction doesn't automatically equate life partner. Sympathetic attraction is where you may feel sorry for them and want to protect or nurture them but it isn't a healthy relationship beyond friends and sometimes it's an unhealthy friendship if they are all they want to talk about.

  There is an assumption that someone who is in crisis wants to be rescued and it sounds like that was the role you took on and were assigned by him. I call this the wounded bird ploy. The wounded bird ploy is when someone uses their issue to attract a partner to manipulate. It gives them the feeling of power when they feel powerless and no abuser starts off by being openly manipulative/abusive.

If an abuser walked up to you and said "Hey, you look like someone I can control and exploit for my own reasons and here's how it's going to go.... at first I'm going to seem harmless/vulnerable... I'll act like your friend and that I'm interested in you and will form a relationship with you. You'll think that I'm really nice but I'll use my issue to keep myself emotionally distant because that's going to make you feel sorry for me and will draw you in further. In fact I'll restate my issue or issues for being emotionally distant early and often but will ask you to prove to me that your not like the others who emotionally wounded me. This will be a part of the process of molding you into the type of person that I can control. Once I know I can control you then I can leave the relationship at any time and pick it back up at will. Or I can further emotionally degrade you by hitting, cheating or what ever I want and fall back on the fact that I was hurt and I told you I had issues when we met and you'll accept it . Eventually I'll have you so confused that you won't trust your own judgement only mine and then the real abuse can begin and you'll be glad for it and will even apologize for causing me to (cheat, lie, hit) you. It's all a part of my power trip." If someone said something like that we would run for the hills. But they don't openly state it but you can see if it's happening.

In a healthy relationship there are rules and boundaries that every person has. Every person has their own moral compass that they go by and when we find our boundaries being compromised then it's time to see if the relationship is really one we need to be in. Rules and boundaries may be something like "please don't call me this weekend I have to study for exams" and they call you all weekend anyway or "I'm going to go and see my friend" and they want to know why you need to spend time with the friend because you can see your friend anytime and they really wanted to spend time (that friend time) with you. They will use the carrot and stick method. If you respond like they want they will be warm or if you don't they will sulk or verbally abuse you and your ideas until you yield to their wants. They may also threaten you with not seeing or up to and including harming you.

Then there are the big rules, Don't lie to me. Don't cheat on me. Don't hit me. One by one these rules and boundaries will be encroached upon and it will start small. A little give on your part here and then one there and it won't seem like that big of a deal but they add up and it is a part of turning an individual into someone that can be controlled. This isn't the fault of the person being manipulated but the manipulator. For however long you knew him he told aspects of himself. Aspects that drew you in but didn't let you really into his life. Don't fall for the trap of allowing them to make you more vulnerable. You've said that he told you and you've repeated that "maybe it's because I'm too immature" I'm hearing you put yourself down for being too immature for him because he said you were. Think about that he told you, you were too immature for him. Didn't that concern him before he asked you out? Didn't he know you before? You had been friends. He should have (if he is so mature) considered this before establishing a romantic relationship with you. Your age (maturity) has nothing to do with this! Anyone can fall for this at any age. When you're a good person and want to help someone and that someone uses you to make them feel better you weren't the one being immature.

In some respects he has accomplished the goal because you may not realize it but you are still fixating on him and his issues. Are you as concerned with you, how you're doing and your own issues? Loneliness isn't a crime and it sucks to be lonely. But as the old saying goes you can be lonely in a crowd of people. Happiness comes from within! Once we're happy then we can share that with others but we can't find our own happiness through others.

In some respect you can think about this as going through detox.Detoxing a relationship means no contact now, or ever from you to him. If he contacts you this includes lines from him like, I still want to be friends, up to and including I've changed, show him the door or you'll be back on the merry-go-round.  Detox hurts~ but if you think about wanting him back in you life remember this time right now and how you feel because that will be your future with him. He was your crack.The hits started small and seemed harmless but before you knew it this guy filled every aspect of your life until there was very little of you in your life, or your needs being met. Now he's cut off the supply. There is an emotional high in relationships and a toxic one is just as addictive as any street drug. I'm sure he used lines, like your the only one I can talk with about this or I know you understand. That's getting you hooked because it plays on an individuals need to nurture and sympathy and we all like to feel special. And you are! But you've got to take care of yourself first! It will take you some time to detox him out of your life but once you do and you walk away wiser you will choose more carefully and be less inclined to not be included in your (combined) relationship with another person.

Regards,
Mabon.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.  ~ Emily Dickinson


#15    Shego

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Posted 16 March 2013 - 12:20 AM

View PostMabon, on 15 March 2013 - 07:00 PM, said:

LL, There is no reason to blame yourself and adding self-blame isn't empowering you, it's going to drag you down and make you more vulnerable in the long run. This is an opportunity to learn about yourself and why you were willing to ignore your instincts. But yours' weren't the only actions that need examined in this or the ones that started this relationship. Your earlier posts didn't say you chased him and hounded him until he finally went out with you. You had reservations, told him no and after him repeatedly asking finally did go out with him.

There are different types of attraction and it's important to know that even though you're attracted to someone if they are a bad influence or have a major character flaw (examples; drug or alcohol dependent, manipulative, physical or mentally abusive) then a healthy relationship with them isn't possible.  They aren't healthy people. Differentiating the type of attraction can help you understand in the future what type of relationship you will allow yourself to be a part of. Sexual attraction doesn't automatically equate life partner. Sympathetic attraction is where you may feel sorry for them and want to protect or nurture them but it isn't a healthy relationship beyond friends and sometimes it's an unhealthy friendship if they are all they want to talk about.

  There is an assumption that someone who is in crisis wants to be rescued and it sounds like that was the role you took on and were assigned by him. I call this the wounded bird ploy. The wounded bird ploy is when someone uses their issue to attract a partner to manipulate. It gives them the feeling of power when they feel powerless and no abuser starts off by being openly manipulative/abusive.

If an abuser walked up to you and said "Hey, you look like someone I can control and exploit for my own reasons and here's how it's going to go.... at first I'm going to seem harmless/vulnerable... I'll act like your friend and that I'm interested in you and will form a relationship with you. You'll think that I'm really nice but I'll use my issue to keep myself emotionally distant because that's going to make you feel sorry for me and will draw you in further. In fact I'll restate my issue or issues for being emotionally distant early and often but will ask you to prove to me that your not like the others who emotionally wounded me. This will be a part of the process of molding you into the type of person that I can control. Once I know I can control you then I can leave the relationship at any time and pick it back up at will. Or I can further emotionally degrade you by hitting, cheating or what ever I want and fall back on the fact that I was hurt and I told you I had issues when we met and you'll accept it . Eventually I'll have you so confused that you won't trust your own judgement only mine and then the real abuse can begin and you'll be glad for it and will even apologize for causing me to (cheat, lie, hit) you. It's all a part of my power trip." If someone said something like that we would run for the hills. But they don't openly state it but you can see if it's happening.

In a healthy relationship there are rules and boundaries that every person has. Every person has their own moral compass that they go by and when we find our boundaries being compromised then it's time to see if the relationship is really one we need to be in. Rules and boundaries may be something like "please don't call me this weekend I have to study for exams" and they call you all weekend anyway or "I'm going to go and see my friend" and they want to know why you need to spend time with the friend because you can see your friend anytime and they really wanted to spend time (that friend time) with you. They will use the carrot and stick method. If you respond like they want they will be warm or if you don't they will sulk or verbally abuse you and your ideas until you yield to their wants. They may also threaten you with not seeing or up to and including harming you.

Then there are the big rules, Don't lie to me. Don't cheat on me. Don't hit me. One by one these rules and boundaries will be encroached upon and it will start small. A little give on your part here and then one there and it won't seem like that big of a deal but they add up and it is a part of turning an individual into someone that can be controlled. This isn't the fault of the person being manipulated but the manipulator. For however long you knew him he told aspects of himself. Aspects that drew you in but didn't let you really into his life. Don't fall for the trap of allowing them to make you more vulnerable. You've said that he told you and you've repeated that "maybe it's because I'm too immature" I'm hearing you put yourself down for being too immature for him because he said you were. Think about that he told you, you were too immature for him. Didn't that concern him before he asked you out? Didn't he know you before? You had been friends. He should have (if he is so mature) considered this before establishing a romantic relationship with you. Your age (maturity) has nothing to do with this! Anyone can fall for this at any age. When you're a good person and want to help someone and that someone uses you to make them feel better you weren't the one being immature.

In some respects he has accomplished the goal because you may not realize it but you are still fixating on him and his issues. Are you as concerned with you, how you're doing and your own issues? Loneliness isn't a crime and it sucks to be lonely. But as the old saying goes you can be lonely in a crowd of people. Happiness comes from within! Once we're happy then we can share that with others but we can't find our own happiness through others.

In some respect you can think about this as going through detox.Detoxing a relationship means no contact now, or ever from you to him. If he contacts you this includes lines from him like, I still want to be friends, up to and including I've changed, show him the door or you'll be back on the merry-go-round.  Detox hurts~ but if you think about wanting him back in you life remember this time right now and how you feel because that will be your future with him. He was your crack.The hits started small and seemed harmless but before you knew it this guy filled every aspect of your life until there was very little of you in your life, or your needs being met. Now he's cut off the supply. There is an emotional high in relationships and a toxic one is just as addictive as any street drug. I'm sure he used lines, like your the only one I can talk with about this or I know you understand. That's getting you hooked because it plays on an individuals need to nurture and sympathy and we all like to feel special. And you are! But you've got to take care of yourself first! It will take you some time to detox him out of your life but once you do and you walk away wiser you will choose more carefully and be less inclined to not be included in your (combined) relationship with another person.

Regards,
Mabon.

This is really good advice, I appreciate it! You didn't have to write all of that.

The reason I say the relationship failed between myself and this guy, is because I had problems in the past. I pushed people who wanted to be close to me away. This includes my family, my friends and so forth, even if they had hurt me in the past or not, I have never really opened myself completely to anybody. I don't do that because I'm scared. I care too much about what others think about me, and I shouldn't. When I first started to hang out with this guy, I remember I was extremely self conscience, as I am with mostly everybody. I wanted him to like me and I did not speak my mind as much as I should have or wanted to, because I didn't want to scare him away. The guy does have alcoholic problems, he has drug problems, he has criminal records and so forth and he wouldn't just tell me, but he would show me he was trying to better himself to be with me. He stopped drinking as much alcohol as he use to, he stopped doing drugs, and he just wanted to correct himself for me. But I always wanted to tell him, don't correct yourself for me, do it because you want to do it and you want to grow and heal. I did happen to tell him in a couple of last messages on Facebook how I really saw him and everything, and I did tell him, he needs to help himself and gain some self-worth before he starts trying to get into a serious relationship. If he read it. I don't know. It says he looked at it, so there is a possibility he did read it, but he didn't reply to it.

Now, in the beginning of our friendship, he was the nicest person in my life at the time. I was there for him and he was there for me. He had problems to the point where he was trying to commit suicide at 2 am or 3 am and he called me while in the process of doing that (which was SO weird because I hadn't known him for longer than a month or so and he calls me out of all the friends and family he could have), and even though I had morning classes and was half asleep, I stayed on the phone with this guy for hours trying to calm him down and all he was doing was sobbing and telling me stories of things he had experianced in the army, which was really sad and I felt bad for him. It was obvious he has post traumatic stress disorder from what he saw. Even though he didn't really want to talk about it after that, it was obvious that he still had that problem. He was also there for me, when I was back in Los Angeles and everything was going horrible, I would call him at 3 in the morning crying and he would answer everytime and talk to me and calm me down. When my grandfather died, I couldn't make it to his funeral and he was right there physically, comforting me when I was sobbing.

Now, the problems started when he started showing some jealousy towards other guys I would talk to. Mind you, I didn't have any sort of crush or anything on him at the time, I saw him as a really good friend as mine. And then he asked me out a few months after he showed this jealousy and I was just...shocked at that and VERY scared at the same time. I had mixed feelings for him at this time, I still liked him as a friend, but then it sort of came to me that if he got a girlfriend I knew I would be really sad and jealous. So I accepted his offer, but this relationship didn't last more than a day. I stopped it because I wasn't happy at all, because of my extremely mixed feelings towards him. Now even after all of that, we continued to be friends, and then he told me "Let's just be friends for now if you have mixed feelings and then over time we will where that exculates." Okay, I barely know anybody here, and I would tell  him how bored I was sitting in my dorm all the time and the people I did know never wanted to really go out. I mean, I'm a city chick living in the middle of the countryside now, I want to go out and do whatever, because I'm use to always being out and having things to do all the time. I made my first mistake when he took me out. I guess he still had these feelings for me, but that's not the point. The point is, I have a mega problem when it comes to appreciating people, my mother knows this, my best friends, and now he knows this. I was happy he took me out and was going all out to take me to show me somethings where he was from and at this moment, he wanted to introduce me to his parents (he tried introducing me many times before, but I always rejected his invitation), and then take me to this ranch that he had with his horses. He had this entire thing planned out for me and I was being "effy" the entire time. I wasn't smiling, wasn't talking that much, which was typical of me, weird I know, but now I'm learning to correct it. He would see I was not talking or smiling and so forth and he tell me "Wow, you look miserable, or bored" and I wasn't bored or miserable and I told him I wasn't. BUT my entire mistake was NEVER telling him how happy I was being with him and how I loved how he took his chances to show me around. If I would have told him that, and he wouldn't have gotten angry (like everybody else who go out of their ways to do nice things for me do) and he might be still talking to me right now. I feel like my action that night, really changed him, because after that, he was just...sort of different. I don't blame him for becoming distant to me after that, because he did tell me he didn't have time for bull****, and trust me, in the past, you had to get through a lot of bull**** to even get sort of close to me. My mother, aunt, cousins, and best friends have told me this all the time in the past, but I never believed I was that type of person and dismissed their claims as "they don't understand me". After this entire incident, I realize, they were right! And I will admit, I have grown as a person because of this entire incident and I have even told the guy "thank you", even when he is ignoring me.

Call me crazy, but I don't see him as a bad person, as much as my friends or uncle say he was a douche, I mean, I don't think he was. I have been in situations where I had to deal with difficult bull everyday in my friendship with a certain person and there have been times where they are insensitive or overreacting over nothing and I have ignored that person for a month or so before talking to them again because I couldn't handle it. I don't know if this is the same situation here, but out of all the friendships I've had with men and I have treated them like **** and have done things I'd rather not speak of, they do end up getting angry with me and say they're done with me, but they end up talking to me again a month or two later after I stop calling them or sending them messages or anything. I have been in arguments with guys where, they hang up in my face on the phone, I try calling them back and they ignore my call and turn their phone off and I just leave them to be and they usually always get back to me a month or so later, apologizing for their actions. This time, I don't know if that will happen, I hope it does, I really want to show him I've grown and changed, because now my friends and my family even see the change in me because of this entire incident. I just HATE ending a friendship on bad terms, and all the friendships that have been broken in my life, they end up in a nice common ground relationship after a few months later and we just decide there is no use ignoring each other anymore, because that's childish. I am a fool I know, but I love people, especially people I've made connections with. And I've told this guy so much about me, and he has done the same to me, to me, it seems stupid for both of us to just drop each other after opening up like we did.

Edited by Leona Lewis, 16 March 2013 - 12:26 AM.

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I want a guy with a rich boy standards
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