Relationships with men in prison

[Belle.]

Why do some people, usually women, want to meet and have a relationship specifically with men who are in prison?

Edited September 18, 2008 by Belle.

[1.618]

Because they like a 'bit of rough'?

[goalienan]

Could be an ego thing with these women...The stories that I have read have been about women who started writing to convicts, most of them murderer's and in jail for life with no parole. Then it would escalate from there. There are people who are obsessed with this, some have even gotten married, so perhaps it's woman who are lonely, have no life, or are just plain wonky. I'm going with the wonky part..

[Bill Hill]

Cause they're mental.

The funny cases are when they help the men to get out...

He's innocent... he's innocent...blah blah

Once free, the man leave them...

I say funny.. but it's not really.. just really sad.

[Neognosis]

Probably a lot of psychology going on there. I would suspect the controll factor of knowing where the man is at all times and being to interact with him when they want, but being "safe" from them beating, cheating, or leaving them probably is a big factor.

[Marby]

I agree on the psychological control aspect. This is a "safe" person to be involved with. You know they aren't out cheating or doing anything that would normally be a disappointment in a conventional relationship. It also feeds into fantasy. These women are caught in a perpetual honeymoon stage of the relationship. Seeing their husbands for conjugal visits or whatever,keeps them from getting bored and fuels the fantasies they may have about how wonderful it will be if he is released. Deep down, though, I think they want them to stay put.

[dkkjf68]

I think any woman who pursues a relationship with a man behind bars (for whatever reason) is just a bit WACKY!!!!!! There is absolutely no point -IMO-to starting such a realtionship. What would they possibly have to offer? Most of the men are murderers and rapists---oooohhh sounds like a good catch to me---NOT. There has to be something wrong with these women and that's all there is to it. IMO

[little_dreamer]

I agree on the psychological control aspect. This is a "safe" person to be involved with. You know they aren't out cheating or doing anything that would normally be a disappointment in a conventional relationship. It also feeds into fantasy. These women are caught in a perpetual honeymoon stage of the relationship. Seeing their husbands for conjugal visits or whatever,keeps them from getting bored and fuels the fantasies they may have about how wonderful it will be if he is released. Deep down, though, I think they want them to stay put.

This is all true. The only thing I would add is that the women feel the men to be "misunderstood".

A women might believe that the man will love her much more intensely if she is the only one who will stand by him.

Also, a general lack of other female competition for the man's affection.

Instead of wondering if your husband is cheating at work with his secretary - "I always know where my man is at all times - his cell!"

[ValkyrieVoice]

Why do some people, usually women, want to meet and have a relationship specifically with men who are in prison?

Being a former prison wife of fourteen years (I knew him before he went in), I can honestly tell you that while they're inside, they're the most charming. It's when they come home that their true colors start to show. When they're in prison, they'll do ANYTHING and say ANYTHING to a woman to get them to commit to them in any capacity, and if the woman commits to him completely, more for him, you know? And many of the women feel it's "dreamlike", like "How come this guy's in prison? He's so nice! He's such a gentleman! What a waste!" Most inmates in prison, especially those doing a lot of hard time will hone in on lonely women as an outside connection, for visits, conjugal- if they eventually wind up marrying, and week end visits mainly, quarterly packages, money and canteen allowances. When a prisoner has a steady outside connection, it's power and respect for him inside.

I was one of those women, even though I knew him before he went in, who felt that I couldn't get anyone else like him so it might as well be him. I also "believed" every word that came out of his mouth and I believed he'd change. My mistakes. He changed alright! When he parolled I got to experience his "changes" first hand. He beat me at the drop of a hat. I had to create "new ways" to ask him what he wanted for dinner, otherwise he'd bust me in the mouth because he didn't like the tone of my voice at the moment I asked him, he was a homosexual/crossdresser- something I definately didn't see coming, and he was STILL a criminal. He'd pull stupid crimes that would wind him back in the joint, for parole violations, etcetera. The part I don't get now, and I've been divorced from him for quite a few years now is this: he parolled, AGAIN, two years ago. Now? He's sitting in the county lock up pending an attempted murder trial come the 20th of October, 2008 and he's looking at life without parole now. He did this new crime while he was completely off of parole! He finally manages to get off of parole and he pulls a new beef? Actually, two new ones? I don't get it.

Anyway, the women I left behind me when I left that life? Many are still remaining beside their men, and many have left their men. It depends on where the woman is in her expectations of that sort of relationship. A few women I've known remain beside their husbands inside and their husbands are never getting out. They're in it for "love" and upon asking them why, both women told me that they "love" their husbands, and at least they know where their husbands are 24/7. Plus, they get to live their lives however they desire during the week when they're not visiting their husbands, and it just "fits" into their lives. It's no longer for me though, and I'd strongly advise against any woman committing to any man inside. It's a long, lonely existance and one that's never gratifying. His problems will ALWAYS be first; his needs, his wants, his desires. And every holiday that goes by reminds you of the FACT that HE'S NOT THERE! It's B.S.

[little_dreamer]

Thank you for sharing your experiences, ValkyrieVoice. Some of us are just guessing from the outside, but you have the full story.

[Moon Demon]

Not all men behind bars are evil or dangerous. I also don't believe it makes someone wacky if they pursue that person. It is probably opinions like that, which cause them to fail in society once released.

[Radian]

The way I see it is these woman have major insecurity/esteem issues. They do this because it makes them feel somewhat needed or wanted, in a sense, appreciated. I mean who else can appreciate you better right if you're a female & have these issues?? A man locked up for life who's been secluded from the world (all women), and who's in desperate need for someone to act as though they care-

[Isis2200]

Because they like a 'bit of rough'?

LOL

[Marby]

I second that thank you to ValkyrieVoice. Very insightful

All these things factor in.

MoonDemon, I think that there would be a huge difference between pursuing a man that's in for a few years on a possession charge and a man that strangled 79 hookers and ate their kidneys. Of course not everyone is evil, but the evil ones get a lot of fan mail and groupies.

[Guyver]

The thing that really gets me are the ones who get married, especially to death row prisoners, then get the conjugal visits and conceive! Then the taxpayers get to pay for the child. Yippee! That's good.

[ValkyrieVoice]

The thing that really gets me are the ones who get married, especially to death row prisoners, then get the conjugal visits and conceive! Then the taxpayers get to pay for the child. Yippee! That's good.

Men on death row don't get conjugal visits.

[ValkyrieVoice]

Not all men behind bars are evil or dangerous. I also don't believe it makes someone wacky if they pursue that person. It is probably opinions like that, which cause them to fail in society once released.

Naw... opinions don't make these individuals fail in society. There are a lot more factors to consider regarding what makes one person fail in society and why another doesn't. When it comes down to it? We're all victims of something. Some of us don't wind up falling along the criminal path and some of us do. As a matter of fact, my upbringing far overshadowed my ex husband's where it came to dysfunction, negativity, abuse and violence. He had a totally normal upbringing with two very loving and supportive parents. He's one child out of the four that they have and he's also the only one who went to prison out of the four. The other three are functioning members of society today. No one's opinions or even actions made him the way that he is. I KNOW HIM. He has committed crimes because he ENJOYS it. He adores violence and the thrill of running from the law. I am totally convinced that when they do catch him after he's committed a crime? It's like the frosting on the cake. He's institutionalized now and I think he pulled his final two crimes because he truly wanted to go back because he couldn't function in an established society outside of the prison walls he was so use to. I know that he feels powerless somewhere inside of him and in prison he had a lot of power- once. Not anymore, however. My ex husband wasn't good at anything outside of prison and he was good at being in prison. That, unfortuneately was where he allowed his ego and self esteem to be fed. For whatever reason, he valued the view(s) of other inmates instead of anyone on the outside. I don't have "the answer" as to why this is, it's just what I've come to know.

And Shankpin's correct. A lot of the reasons why women go for men in prison have to do with the condition of the women's self esteem and/or ego. And a common trait in these women is the nurturing trait. They're born caregivers and they enjoy caring/loving these men who can't do for themselves. Several of these women view these men as victims of the system, and/or society, or their upbringings and this just fuels the women's NEEDS to care for them. They're not "wacky", per se'. Just out of touch with parts of themselves that should be tended to.

[dkkjf68]

Thanks for posting your first hand experience as a woman married to a man behind bars ValkyrieVoice. My mother-in-law did the same thing--she didn't marry the loser, but he's out now and they still see each other. He completely used her and is still doing so. I'm happy to hear that you got smart and dumped his a**. I hope my mother-in-law can find the same strength and do the same. It's caused alot of strain in our family. We gave him the benefit of the doubt at first, but he showed his true colors very quickly. He didn't murder or rape anyone, but he still spent 5 years in prison. I really pray that she cuts all ties with him because I feel that he is a ticking time bomb. Good luck to you and again thanks for sharing your very interesting story!

[dkkjf68]

p.s. sorry for using the word "wacky" but I was referring to my mom-in-law cause she is a bit "wacky" IMO.

[RockChickUK]

I watched a programme once on women who loved people in prison- as in they actually met them AFTER they went to prison.

Its wrong to generalise, but, there seemed to be three distinct groups of women.

1-The kind of women who liked 'Bad boys' who said they always found 'nice guys' boring and who were fascinated by what made these guys commit whatever crimes they had.

2- Seemingly normal (whatever normal is) women who had not really had much experience at real relationships or had trust issues. Obviously, the most they had to be jealous or worried about was whether Big Bill in the next cell fancied their guy!!! They could act and talk as if they were in a loving relationship, yet still have the safety, distance and freedom to really not be in a relationship at all.

3-Rescuers or caregivers, who thought they could save the men they befriended/loved. Who thought society were stupid for failing to see these men change.

I talk to one girl (internet contact via a music forum) who writes to Richard Ramirez...she is always highly excited at recieving his letters and he seems to know 'just what to say' to keep this girl hooked. And of course, he's a wonderful misunderstood man

[Belle.]

Some interesting insights, especially ValkyrieVoice.

I was originally wondering because I was talking to an aquaintence who has a friend that runs Creative Writing courses in prison and she mentioned this friend made some odd comments about how the 'best men' were in there. Like she geunuinely meant the most delightful, attentive men where found in prison.

And I remembered that I used to work in a Technical College that provided courses for people in the prison nearby and there was one female teacher, very attractive - that used to speak about 'her boys' in the same glowing, slightly odd way. And I used to think that of course these men would be acting 'delightfully' towards her.

I watched a programme once on women who loved people in prison- as in they actually met them AFTER they went to prison.

Its wrong to generalise, but, there seemed to be three distinct groups of women.

1-The kind of women who liked 'Bad boys' who said they always found 'nice guys' boring and who were fascinated by what made these guys commit whatever crimes they had.

2- Seemingly normal (whatever normal is) women who had not really had much experience at real relationships or had trust issues. Obviously, the most they had to be jealous or worried about was whether Big Bill in the next cell fancied their guy!!! They could act and talk as if they were in a loving relationship, yet still have the safety, distance and freedom to really not be in a relationship at all.

3-Rescuers or caregivers, who thought they could save the men they befriended/loved. Who thought society were stupid for failing to see these men change.

I talk to one girl (internet contact via a music forum) who writes to Richard Ramirez...she is always highly excited at recieving his letters and he seems to know 'just what to say' to keep this girl hooked. And of course, he's a wonderful misunderstood man

Yes - there seems to be an almost subculture of these women. There is a forum specifically for women who have met men in prison. Now I can understand a support group for partners of people who have gone to prison. But to specifically target them as good potential mates seems so unhealthy.

[msmischief]

Inmates are great pen pals. I see them writing letters for hours almost everyday. I'm sure they know just what a woman wants to hear. They probably make the women feel special and as if they are "the only one who understands".

Edited September 20, 2008 by msmischief

[ValkyrieVoice]

Thanks for posting your first hand experience as a woman married to a man behind bars ValkyrieVoice. My mother-in-law did the same thing--she didn't marry the loser, but he's out now and they still see each other. He completely used her and is still doing so. I'm happy to hear that you got smart and dumped his a**. I hope my mother-in-law can find the same strength and do the same. It's caused alot of strain in our family. We gave him the benefit of the doubt at first, but he showed his true colors very quickly. He didn't murder or rape anyone, but he still spent 5 years in prison. I really pray that she cuts all ties with him because I feel that he is a ticking time bomb. Good luck to you and again thanks for sharing your very interesting story!

Oh, I'm happy to share with everyone here about my experiences. And it's okay that you used the word "wacky". I'm not offended in the least. I actually agree with you, I was wacky for deciding to be his woman.

It's most unfortunate that your mother-in-law is seemingly addicted to the man she's with. And I believe addicted is the right word. It's strange, when a man pays attention to a woman who doesn't have high enough self esteem, it's like a drug. Sometimes these women will remain within terrible and horrible relationships just for the rare chances of being fed that "drug" every now and again. They don't see anything besides that side of the loser they're with.

It doesn't take very long at being in prison before a man becomes a con man either. I've tested this twice in my life. First with my ex husband, and then with a longtime friend who is still incarcerated. Prison changes people. It makes them worse than before they went in in most cases.

Anyway, both my ex husband and my longtime friend changed. They would never do to me before prison what they so freely did to me while in prison- and after they parolled. Dummy me was actually shocked over their behavior instead of expecting them to act how they acted. What matters to me is that now I know and I'll NEVER go back to any convict relationship. It's so set up to fail. The woman will never come first in such a relationship. And she'll always be needed FOR HIM. His needs, his wants, his desires, his problems, his whatever. She can need him until the end of time and guess what? He'll NEVER be there for her. I know what such a relationship finally did to me. I got lost and eventually buried. I no longer existed. But boy he sure did! It took the life out of me and I'm still recovering from it now. I don't date. I don't go out. I'm convinced I gave him my best years. And I won't even start on the psychological/mental numbers being in a relationship with him has done to me. Believe me! You haven't lived until you've been passed over by your own husband for another man! Ha! I mean, at least if he just kept on cheating on me with his other women I'd consider myself as had something to compete with, but with another man? How can I compete with another man? Wow. Anyways, I still advise against any woman going after any relationship with any man incarcerated. And for those involved with those convicts now that we see and learn about on these documentaries? All I can say is that I understand them, but don't agree with what they're doing or with why they're doing it. I don't believe they're being honest with themselves and I know they're not as happy as they could be.

[dkkjf68]

ValkyrieVoice,

It sounds as though you have come out of the situation "Smelling like a rose!" I am very happy that you have seen the light. CON MAN is the best way to describe my mom-in-laws' little friend. He isn't welcome in our home or at any family gathering for that matter. The whole family has made a stand and hopefully she will wise up and get rid of him FOR GOOD! It's so hard to see the light when you IN the situation. Others have a better view on the OUTSIDE of a situation like this. All of our advice seems to fall on deaf ears. It has to be her that makes the decision to cut all ties with this creep. I will continue to pray for her---that's about all I can do! Thanks again for sharing your story. It gives me a little bit more insight to the situation at hand with our family. I wish you all the best!

dkkjf68

[ValkyrieVoice]

ValkyrieVoice,

It sounds as though you have come out of the situation "Smelling like a rose!" I am very happy that you have seen the light. CON MAN is the best way to describe my mom-in-laws' little friend. He isn't welcome in our home or at any family gathering for that matter. The whole family has made a stand and hopefully she will wise up and get rid of him FOR GOOD! It's so hard to see the light when you IN the situation. Others have a better view on the OUTSIDE of a situation like this. All of our advice seems to fall on deaf ears. It has to be her that makes the decision to cut all ties with this creep. I will continue to pray for her---that's about all I can do! Thanks again for sharing your story. It gives me a little bit more insight to the situation at hand with our family. I wish you all the best!

dkkjf68

Oh, you're very welcome! And stick to the intercessory prayer for your mother-in-law and her unique situation. It's good to keep your distance after trying to relay advice to her though. Many gave me advice, warned me against being in such a relationship with my ex husband too. To no avail though! See? They were on the outside, and my ex husband was the one whispering in my ear what I felt/thought I wanted and needed to hear, whether it be his lies or whatever. He used me incessantly and I allowed him to use me because my self esteem/ego was in such a terrible condition that I needed to hear whatever it was that he had to say to me at that time. I sense that's where your mother-in-law might be with her self esteem/ego right now. The usery and the games though? Eventually they begin to wear on a person. And most of these women involved in these types of relationships begin to flirt with the "idea" of getting out of the relationship somehow- usually thinking about the possibility at first. The trick is to get these women to take the next step after the thought though. And not all of them take that next step immediately. I was one who "held out" for years "FOR HIM". I look back now and see just how sick I actually was and wonder why. But deep inside I know why. Better late than never for me is how I look at it. Never again!

Good luck to you with your mother-in-law. Her seeing other family members taking the stand that you and your family members have will definately send a resounding message. Her knowing that you guys aren't going to tolerate his B.S. could spark her to step back and take a look at her real situation. You never know.