Wile E. Coyote Vs. ACME Company

[emmy]

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff -v.- Acme Company, Defendant

Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and

contiguous states, does hearby bring suit for damages against the

Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted

merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every

state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for

personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering

caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence

of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code,

Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product

liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has

purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through

that company's mail-order department, certain products which did

cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper

cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof

of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked

Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily

restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of

predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for

Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant

via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote

was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey.

Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its

wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance,

activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the

Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as

to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.

Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a

violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and

placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing

over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet

trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote

abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing

veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to

follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed

steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking

system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket

Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a

mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit ,

prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple

fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote

as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a

full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace,

and full or partial casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged

to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant

as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he

attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an

accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the

Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without

caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this

case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision

for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote

lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on,

and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a

hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this

document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of

Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme

Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme

Mail Order Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in

evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once

has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed

in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense

of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around

the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of

the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above

a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in

such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by

Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of

detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile

of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical

Acme Bomb (Catalog #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr.

Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote

proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down

to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to

naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted

in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle. 2.

Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem,

causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking

noise. 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing

kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening

of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a

pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are

Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to

the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at

Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been

found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As

advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two

wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of

high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position

by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed

that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the

initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a

premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote

affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder.

Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was

known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the

wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right

forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Withina short time

Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward

him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within

range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the

distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote

forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet

unknown, the Acme Spring- Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away

from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr.

Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled,

bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the

boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling

upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound,

whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and

collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly

ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling

and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each

bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the

boulder cam into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into

contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this

process continued for sometime.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage

to Mr. Coyote, vix., flattening of the cranium, sideways

displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper

body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head.

Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of

regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues-- a rare

and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward

and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an

off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting

and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major

impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly

of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work.

It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage

to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as

itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and

two-hundred-foot- long rubber bands. Much as he has come to

mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic

source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our

trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a

situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the

consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over

again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these

larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the

amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote

seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost

from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general

damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty

million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty

thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this

Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers,

shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they

understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to

equal protection under the law.

[Althalus]

LOL,

somehow i think severe strain to his neck would be the least of his problems.. given how his entire body would be shot up into the air at least once a day/episode.