Out of the Closet

[Duke Wellington]

On Friday evening me and four of my work mates went to the pub for alcohol. A few pints later we were all relaxed and then that's when it happened. One of them came out! I'm in shock, I really didn't see that coming and I'm not okay with it.

I've been knocking around with him and having banter quite a lot in the office. Now it just feels really weird when he is about. What do I do? Do I just bite my tongue and ignore him when possible?

I really don't know how to respond to this, its completely at odds with my values.

[XenoFish]

Learn to accept it. If this guy is your friend then your friendship should mean more than his orientation.

[freetoroam]

Why are you not ok with it, did he ask you to marry him?

[Imaginarynumber1]

Who cares if you're okay with it? Does it make you gay? Do you have to have sex with the same gender now? Of course not.

If this person is your friend then it doesn't matter if they're gay or not.

[Bendy Demon]

Chances are your friend might not even recall what he said especially if he had a few drinkies in him.

Deal with it or don't but don't bother bringing it up because if your friend does remember he might feel a bit awkward too so let it pass off as just a night of too many pints.

[Wickian]

Why are you not ok with it, did he ask you to marry him?

Not so funny story: A family member's(I'm not saying which) best friend growing up came out the closet after high school professing love. They didn't meet again afterwards for a long time.

[CRYSiiSx2]

You know what? Some people think homosexuality is wrong. Then everyone pro gay jumps on them and tries to label them as a garbage person. Tired of that crap. If he isn't comfortable being around someone gay it affects no one but himself. He isn't a piece of **** for it.

[Blood_Sacrifice]

I don't get this. Why should his orientation matter if he's not harassing you or asking you for 'favors'? He desires men rather than women. So what? If it was a she instead of a he, would you have felt equally uncomfortable?

[Frank Merton]

You know what? Some people think homosexuality is wrong. Then everyone pro gay jumps on them and tries to label them as a garbage person. Tired of that crap. If he isn't comfortable being around someone gay it affects no one but himself. He isn't a piece of **** for it.

Are you sure of that? I think the quality of a person is largely based on how they are willing to deal with others in a non-judgmental and affirmative way.

[Imaginarynumber1]

You know what? Some people think homosexuality is wrong. Then everyone pro gay jumps on them and tries to label them as a garbage person. Tired of that crap. If he isn't comfortable being around someone gay it affects no one but himself. He isn't a piece of **** for it.

Did anyone anywhere in this thread label the op as a "garbage person" or a "piece of s@#t" ? I don't see that anywhere in this thread.

I see the op specially ask "What do I do?" And I see people give their opinions that were ASKED for.

The fact is that it's 2014 and the majority of people just don't care if someone is a homosexual or not.

[Frank Merton]

The Buddha is often sited for pointing out that desires are a major cause of unhappiness (they are either frustrated, or, if fulfilled, prove both less than imagined and short lived).

It is not so well known that he also identified revulsions as another source of unhappiness. If someone finds themselves "revolted," by something, that is their problem to deal with, and they will be happier if they get over it.

[Lilly]

Honestly, one is not required to be friends with anyone that makes them uncomfortable. However, it's not right to be cruel or judgemental towards others either. If it really bothers you so much that this fellow is gay just distance yourself from him but remain polite and civil.

Just to add, I don't know why someone else's sexual orientation would bother you so much, but that's just my personal feeling on the subject.

Edited October 18, 2014 by Lilly
addition

[Sakari]

On Friday evening me and four of my work mates went to the pub for alcohol. A few pints later we were all relaxed and then that's when it happened. One of them came out! I'm in shock, I really didn't see that coming and I'm not okay with it.

I've been knocking around with him and having banter quite a lot in the office. Now it just feels really weird when he is about. What do I do? Do I just bite my tongue and ignore him when possible?

I really don't know how to respond to this, its completely at odds with my values.

Well, you were friends before......And I am sure you did not have sex....

You should still be friends, and I am sure you still will not have sex.

What has changed other then he stopped hiding something he should not have had to anyway?

What are you afraid of?

[+Hammerclaw]

On Friday evening me and four of my work mates went to the pub for alcohol. A few pints later we were all relaxed and then that's when it happened. One of them came out! I'm in shock, I really didn't see that coming and I'm not okay with it.

I've been knocking around with him and having banter quite a lot in the office. Now it just feels really weird when he is about. What do I do? Do I just bite my tongue and ignore him when possible?

I really don't know how to respond to this, its completely at odds with my values.

On the job, you will encounter people whose politics you don't agree with, whose stand on religion and whose lifestyle you abhor. This is an opportunity to teach yourself tolerence and compassion, which is a necessity in any public forum. Don't forget this person has feelings and will note any difference in your behavior. Just let this person know it makes you uncomfortable, but that you don't intend to be mean spirited or anything. Homophobia is quite common but can be treated with regular doses of honesty. Edited October 18, 2014 by Hammerclaw

[XenoFish]

If you are truly secure in your own sexuality then this really shouldn't be an issue. I've had a few gay friends. Dudes were a trip to be around.

[Frank Merton]

I dunno; I was approached a few times while I was in the States going to college (long time ago). I liked it when females approached me, as you would expect, but didn't particularly react when men did it -- just said something like, "Sorry, not my thing." (I think some men feel their masculinity is in question if a gay guy approaches them. I always felt kind of the opposite -- after all, they want men).

Vietnamese culture use to be ignorant and tolerant, without the religious nonsense, and most young guys would "play around" with each other until they got married (back then young women generally had brothers or uncles so doing anything with a girl was seriously dangerous). Now, at least in the cities, it's more westernized and girls are readily available to most guys, although not in any really promiscuous way. As a result, "playing around" with other guys is much less common.

[XenoFish]

A lot of the hate that's in this world is out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of one's security, etc. Yoda, wise he is.

[quiXilver]

I remember the night the Godfather of my son came out to me... we were sitting on the couch playing mario brothers... and he paused and said "I have something to tell you... I'm gay"

I replied. " Oh cool, I was wondering when you'd tell me. Now can we finish this level?"

"How long have you known?" He asked.

"About two years now... it was really obvious to me that you had a thing for Brad in first year acting class. Now seriously, focus and let's beat this level."

That was about 23 years ago.

He ended up moving to Denmark where the culture isn't anti-gay and got married to his dream man about 5 years ago.

In the end... it's people loving each other. The world is hard enough without bigots running their filth and garbage.

It affects you in no way that two men or two women love each other.

Get over it, or move on and give your friend the freedom to be with people who aren't bigots.

[Imaginarynumber1]

I dunno; I was approached a few times while I was in the States going to college (long time ago). I liked it when females approached me, as you would expect, but didn't particularly react when men did it -- just said something like, "Sorry, not my thing." (I think some men feel their masculinity is in question if a gay guy approaches them. I always felt kind of the opposite -- after all, they want men).

My ex used to have a lot of gay friends (who became my friends) and I would frequent the gay bars with her and them. I got hit on a lot and took it as a compliment. I always told her that a wealthy gay man would steal me away from her.

[+and-then]

Honestly, one is not required to be friends with anyone that makes them uncomfortable. However, it's not right to be cruel or judgemental towards others either. If it really bothers you so much that this fellow is gay just distance yourself from him but remain polite and civil.

Just to add, I don't know why someone else's sexual orientation would bother you so much, but that's just my personal feeling on the subject.

That is my opinion as well. If, for whatever reason, the situation makes him THAT uncomfortable then he just needs to either talk it out with his friend or civilly make it clear how he feels. No one should be forced to accept another's behavior if it disturbs them. That's not to say he has a right to be rude - but he does have a right to disapprove of anything he wants to. We ALL do, including his friend who came out. It sounds like a sad, uncomfortable situation. Too bad it's a work relationship.

[Redefining Success]

Does it really matter?

Youve gone out for beers and having a good time, that shouldnt stop and it shouldnt matter if he prefers men instead of women, it doesnt make a difference to you.

How ever he decides to live his life makes no difference to yours.

Man up, be happy that he is comfortable to tell you guys, he is your friend.

[+OverSword]

I'll relate something that happened just last Friday. I was posting on UM and drinking whiskey when there was a knock on my door. I opened it and there was a man there that said 'Hi Jon, long time no see' I asked 'Do I know you?' he says 'I'm John, Ravens brother' Raven is the stage name of a guy that used to sing in my band. Raven is a bit of a mentally unstable person, these guys come from a pretty bad family and often you couldn't tell fact from fiction if hearing about his family or past. Never the less, we were in a band together for years and that creates a bond like family and he is like a brother to me. I hadn't seen him in years. Back to the story. After he told me who he was I recognized him, I'd only met him a few times years ago. I invited him in and then Raven who had been standing out of my sight walked up dressed not like a woman but effeminately in a very goth/metal kind of way. They came in, we had some drinks and I played them a few songs I've been working on. Eventually Raven got drunk enough to spit out the reason for his visit. Raven now is leaning towards female in his gender identity and is bisexual. I told him that I didn't know what kind of reaction he was expecting but I'm not here to tell him how he feels and that he can get a sex change and I'd still consider him family. We hugged, had a few more drinks, they got drunk enough to be really annoying and weepy so I kicked them out It really doesn't bother me. After really thinking about it, it didn't really even surprise me, although I never would have expected it before he announced it. This is probably not really the same as what mongoose is going through because I have a long history and a once close relationship with raven and mongoose and his coworker are probably just strong acquaintances.

But my advice is, if you liked him as a friend before you knew he was gay just accept him. If he isn't trying to turn you to the dark side or anything what does it matter? It's not like you are going to turn gay through association. From other threads I think you have a lot of personal growth to experience and lack empathy for other people. in the future you'll see how silly you're being.

[Stubbly_Dooright]

Are you uncomfortable because he's homosexual or that you are afraid he will have an attraction to you and act on it? If it's the first, I think you need to be a friend first. I think you should be happy that he could be honest to you about it. You would want your friends to be comfortable and honest to everyone about themselves, right?

If it's the second thing, I would imagine he wouldn't want to mess up a good friendship. Plus, I would think he knows you're heterosexual and would not press it. I have various female friends, who let me know, or they know I know, they are lesbians. (I'm sure you guys know I'm female) The thing is, none of them ever flirted with me or what not. I have found out from others that were attracted to me, but they themselves never told me. The thing is, it wouldn't matter, I'm comfortable with myself as who I am, and they know who I am, and I want them to be who they are.

And besides, it is nice to know, I can attract them on both sides!

[rashore]

If he isn't hitting on you don't worry about it. Since he's a co-worker, sex shouldn't be part of the work environment regardless of anyones orientation. He told you this information socially- leave that information there. Keep your work relationship professional, and leave your feelings about sex out of it.

[Redefining Success]

I can guarantee you something though,

You will have one hell of a time if you go out in the local gay community.

I used to go to manchesters gay village quite regular with a lesbian friend of mine, great atmosphere, men will approach you, but just tell them your straight and they still offer to buy you a drink and lets face it, the most violence you would see is a few slaps.