Timothy Posted January 15, 2015 #1 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Hellow UM, Post your favorite lame joke! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timothy Posted January 15, 2015 Author #2 Share Posted January 15, 2015 To get it started (I haven't seen this dumb joke anywhere else): Which is the sickest nut? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audiobituary Posted January 25, 2015 #3 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I probably couldn't tell any of my jokes on here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wishtosee Posted January 25, 2015 #4 Share Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) I don't joke, that was a joke cuz I just joked. Edited January 25, 2015 by wishtosee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timothy Posted February 2, 2015 Author #5 Share Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) I don't joke, that was a joke cuz I just joked. That's the best one so far. I did really LOL Now you must answer: Which is the sickest nut? Edited February 2, 2015 by Timonthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
back to earth Posted February 6, 2015 #6 Share Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) A peanut with peanut allergy ? Anyway; The minster is giving his sermon and he tells the congregation ; " We must learn to forgive our enemies before we will be allowed to enter the gates of paradise." A feeble elderly voice arises from the front ; " But I aint got no enemies!" The Minister peers down from the pulpit .... "Ahh! Mrs Johnstone ... That's the spirit ! Perhaps you could stand and tell the rest of the congregation how a lady of your more than 90 years of age has managed to come to such a commendable position in her life ?" " All right then .... " she stands and turns to the congregation " ... well, all them b****es are dead now and I am the only one left. " Edited February 6, 2015 by back to earth 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timothy Posted April 3, 2015 Author #7 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Loved yours - a little more intricate than mine. Please sir, no google: What do you call a lost parrot? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonardo Posted September 11, 2015 #8 Share Posted September 11, 2015 When I was 13 I mistakenly handed in a report on Europe, when the assignment had been about Europa (the moon of Jupiter.) It okay, though, the teacher gave me full marks when I told her it was Occidental. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
141 Posted January 9, 2016 #9 Share Posted January 9, 2016 Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying b****** told you I was speeding too. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
141 Posted January 9, 2016 #10 Share Posted January 9, 2016 A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
141 Posted January 9, 2016 #11 Share Posted January 9, 2016 A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?” His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
141 Posted January 9, 2016 #12 Share Posted January 9, 2016 A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timothy Posted January 11, 2016 Author #13 Share Posted January 11, 2016 A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" I wish I could remember this whole joke to tell other people! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galactic Goatman Posted February 2, 2016 #14 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Jokes? Sorry, I only do puns and parody. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timothy Posted February 4, 2016 Author #15 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Jokes? Sorry, I only do puns and parody. Puns are definitely welcome! Go ahead sir. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galactic Goatman Posted March 20, 2016 #16 Share Posted March 20, 2016 Ok, this isn't the best, but it's all I got right at the moment: Why are beavers the best animal to tell your problems to? Because they are the only ones who give a dam! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the-Unexpected-Soul Posted March 20, 2016 #17 Share Posted March 20, 2016 (edited) knocked the door he said who ? he said guess he said i don't know he said Kan he said i cant know !! Edited March 20, 2016 by the-Unexpected-Soul 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbloodmoon Posted April 26, 2016 #18 Share Posted April 26, 2016 Has anyone heard of the new boxing sensation that's a golum with indigestion? His name is gaseous clay. Those of a certain age will get this, and boo I am sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Summerin1905 Posted May 3, 2016 #19 Share Posted May 3, 2016 Hey guess what bears eat! Berries! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeder Posted May 3, 2016 #20 Share Posted May 3, 2016 (edited) where do women have short, dark...curly hair? Africa! or... Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead”. There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?” . Edited May 3, 2016 by seeder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timothy Posted May 20, 2016 Author #21 Share Posted May 20, 2016 where do women have short, dark...curly hair? Africa! or... Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “I think my friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead”. There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?” . I'm glad that I stuck around for this one! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F3SS Posted May 31, 2016 #22 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Why are stadiums always so hot after the ball game? All the fans left! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EllJay Posted May 31, 2016 #23 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks; "Does this taste funny to you?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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