Sex Addiction

[Voyager]

Forgive me if this is not the appropriate place to post this, but I don't know where else to go to address this in anonymity. I won't go into much detail

I am currently reading these two books "Don't Call it Love..." by Patrick Carnes and "Willpower is Not Enough..." Arnold Washton and Donna Boundy. And I am convinced that sex addiction is a very real disease...and an even more intense addiction than any narcotic or alcoholic beverage.

I have never been diagnosed but I believe that I have this disease (dis-ease)/addiction. I only recently recognized it as an addiction (When the Dr Drew program on sex addicts aired). And this is a very tormenting thing. It has controlled my life for years, and I've done everything in my power to hide it from family and friends. It's to the point where I haven't been able to accomplish anything in life, but it has kept me going around in circles. I have been trying to get my GED since 2002, sinced I dropped out of Highschool. And I have been back and forth, in and out... It started with pornography and developed into a series of acting out in a number of ways.

And I won't go into anymore detail than this. Although I am reading the books, I know that it's going to take more than just knowledge to overcome this (even the books address this). It takes being part of a support system. So, I thought I should confess this to a community I am a little familiar with. And I won't stop here, but I need to start somewhere.

Edited August 7, 2011 by Voyager

[George Ford]

Start running. Run at least 8km a day and you will burn it out. Also you are probably looking for someone to relate to and have fun with that you can respect and share intimacy with. Find friends and go out and meet people until you fins someone you would like to be with. In the mean time, as long as you are not hurting anyone or breaking any moral laws then do what you want.

[Habitat]

"Sex Addiction" is a great cover story for people who get caught out in extra-marital affairs, for sure. Seriously though, people are all different, I don't know how many times I've heard "I'd rather be dead than not be able to (insert preferred activity)", but it is usually "have a drink", not sex. For a lot of people sex is the most compelling thing of all, and as long as people aren't getting deceived or hurt, it is no big deal to be a "sex addict", but I suspect it is the hurt and harm part that would see you labelled an addict. The potential for social disruption is high when people can't or won't restrain their impulses, even if it is all within the laws of the land.

[Lilly]

Ah yes, the latest trendy excuse for extra-maritial affairs. Personally, I like, "the devil made me do it", or "it's in my DNA" better than this one.

Edited August 7, 2011 by Lilly
spelling

[markdohle]

If you are serious about getting better, then join a community where you can talk to people who understand what you are experiencing. If you don't do that, you will continue to isolate.

Peace and good luck

Mark

[Lilly]

Just to add there seems to be two different discussions going on here.

First, there's the OP's issue of feeling obsessive/complusive regarding his sexuality. In this case I think seeing a therapist would be advised. Any behaviour can essentially become addictive and there is help for these types of issues.

Second, what we see going on in society where some men (especially wealthy celebrities) use the notion of 'addiction' as an excuse for cheating on their wives. This was what I was commenting on.

[FLOMBIE]

I have never been diagnosed but I believe that I have this disease (dis-ease)/addiction.

How come? I mean, what does your addiction look like? What are the general symptoms of a sex-addiction?

[Habitat]

According to famed researcher Dr Alfred Kinsey, a sex addict is defined as anyone getting more sex than you are. And an unnatural sex act is one you can't manage to perform. Cheeky ! On a more serious note, some research indicates a high percentage of "sufferers" were sexually abused as children, which if true is pretty sobering. Paedophilia has a lot to answer for.

[ThePhantomFlanFlinger]

Any addiction,be it alcohol,drugs,sex or any other type is a life changing illness.It can and will ruin your life without you even realizing that any damage has been done.Its best to try to get to the root cause of why you have an addiction and try to solve it the best way you can with the help of therapy or talking to other addicts even before you think of going down the route of medical intervention.You should never be embarrassed about your addiction because that will just make matters worse IMO...i have an addiction and it almost ruined my life completely...good luck..

[FLOMBIE]

According to famed researcher Dr Alfred Kinsey, a sex addict is defined as anyone getting more sex than you are. And an unnatural sex act is one you can't manage to perform. Cheeky ! On a more serious note, some research indicates a high percentage of "sufferers" were sexually abused as children, which if true is pretty sobering. Paedophilia has a lot to answer for.

Funny lad, this Dr Kinsey. And I believe he makes a valid point about the reasoning and judging of a lot of people.

What do unnatural sex acts (what does that even mean, leaving the religious definition aside? A sex act you can't manage to perform ends in no sex act) and pedophilia have to do with sex-addiction? Nothing, I guess, but they can go along.

My question still stands: What makes the OP think he/she is a sex-addict, and what defines a sex-addiction?

[~TheBigK~]

I do believe it's trendy these days to use this as an excuse, especially for celebrities as Lilly mentioned. They always get caught, then once everything is public they say how sorry they are and enter rehab. I do think it can be a legitimate problem though, so my best advice would also be to see a therapist. Exercise is good too, or anything that might distract you.

and an even more intense addiction than any narcotic or alcoholic beverage.

Any addiction is harmful and intense, but aside from the mental aspect of it, I find it very hard to compare to drug or alcohol addiction. I'm not downplaying your situation or trying to say that it's not serious and I'm sure it is intense, as you say. But drug addiction kills you eventually if you don't stop. It's obvious that it's much more dangerous. Sex addiction can be too if you're not safe, but withdrawal from it isn't going to give you seizures and possibly kill you. If you're having too much sex you won't die from an overdose or put yourself into a coma. As I said, I think that sex addiction can be a legitimate thing but I guess the point I was making with this is that I think it's a thin line on how comparable it is to other addictions.

[Big Bad Voodoo]

I dont believe that is disease. Some like it all the time, for some it is urgent evil.

Only thing can happened to you is to loose partner. But you must find or partner that have same needs as you or partner that is openminded and dont care. I guess first option is better for long way.

Personaly I would not want girl/wife with bigger desires for sex then I have.

[mklsgl]

Forgive me if this is not the appropriate place to post this, but I don't know where else to go to address this in anonymity. I won't go into much detail

I am currently reading these two books "Don't Call it Love..." by Patrick Carnes and "Willpower is Not Enough..." Arnold Washton and Donna Boundy. And I am convinced that sex addiction is a very real disease...and an even more intense addiction than any narcotic or alcoholic beverage.

I have never been diagnosed but I believe that I have this disease (dis-ease)/addiction. I only recently recognized it as an addiction (When the Dr Drew program on sex addicts aired). And this is a very tormenting thing. It has controlled my life for years, and I've done everything in my power to hide it from family and friends. It's to the point where I haven't been able to accomplish anything in life, but it has kept me going around in circles. I have been trying to get my GED since 2002, sinced I dropped out of Highschool. And I have been back and forth, in and out... It started with pornography and developed into a series of acting out in a number of ways.

And I won't go into anymore detail than this. Although I am reading the books, I know that it's going to take more than just knowledge to overcome this (even the books address this). It takes being part of a support system. So, I thought I should confess this to a community I am a little familiar with. And I won't stop here, but I need to start somewhere.

Way before Dr. Drew, way before those books, way before SA was in our vernacular, I had a student (college soph) who was afflicted. See a doctor. Get into therapy. It only gets worse if you don't.

[Big Bad Voodoo]

I do believe it's trendy these days to use this as an excuse, especially for celebrities as Lilly mentioned. They always get caught, then once everything is public they say how sorry they are and enter rehab. I do think it can be a legitimate problem though, so my best advice would also be to see a therapist. Exercise is good too, or anything that might distract you.

Any addiction is harmful and intense, but aside from the mental aspect of it, I find it very hard to compare to drug or alcohol addiction. I'm not downplaying your situation or trying to say that it's not serious and I'm sure it is intense, as you say. But drug addiction kills you eventually if you don't stop. It's obvious that it's much more dangerous. Sex addiction can be too if you're not safe, but withdrawal from it isn't going to give you seizures and possibly kill you. If you're having too much sex you won't die from an overdose or put yourself into a coma. As I said, I think that sex addiction can be a legitimate thing but I guess the point I was making with this is that I think it's a thin line on how comparable it is to other addictions.

If you dont care enough, or if it happens fast, sex can be deadly. Sexual disease.

[Big Bad Voodoo]

I have advice, go to swingers clubs. It is popular in these days.

How old r u?

Try focus your energy on sport. That helps for sure. After one good training you will be calm and sleepy. Besides its healthy, you will look good and you will get some girls. That would help too.

Edited August 7, 2011 by the L

[~TheBigK~]

If you dont care enough, or if it happens fast, sex can be deadly. Sexual disease.

I know, that's why I said it can be dangerous if you're not safe.

[+DieChecker]

I am currently reading these two books "Don't Call it Love..." by Patrick Carnes and "Willpower is Not Enough..." Arnold Washton and Donna Boundy.

I think reading the books is a good start. You are showing a desire to change, which is usually the hardest part of beating anything.

I have been trying to get my GED since 2002, sinced I dropped out of Highschool.

You seem to have good typing skills and can express yourself through words well. That's better then a lot of "educated" people you'll meet on these forums. Keep working on it.

Start running.

Physical Activity... Good advice, in my opinion.

Ah yes, the latest trendy excuse for extra-maritial affairs.

I agree. Celebrities pull out the "sex addict" card way to easy. Congressman Wiener and Congressman Wu both recently left the Congress and both tried for a short time to play it off like their activities were Sex Addiction. Not everyone having illicite activities of a sexual nature are addicts, some are just Creepers.

If you are serious about getting better, then join a community where you can talk to people who understand what you are experiencing.

More excellent advice. A Support Group would probably do you more good then Running, or going to a Shrink. As others have been there and can share what has worked for them to break the addiction and begin to live a normal life.

Get into therapy. It only gets worse if you don't.

I'd agree with that. Addictions only get worse and the worse they get the harder it will be to break down the road. And the harder it will be on your life / job / family, when it finally does crash around you.

I had a friend who may have had a sex addiction. He was my apartment roommate like 10 years ago. He ended up being arrested for possessing, and distribution, of children related pornagraphic material. Because he opted into some porn server/sharing ring. He ended up going to jail for like a year and now has a Felony following him for the rest of his life. And he is now considered a Sex Offender. He lost all his friends (Almost all with small children), and his job, and had to leave college, and his family was devistated.

Don't wait.

[Voyager]

How come? I mean, what does your addiction look like? What are the general symptoms of a sex-addiction?

Well, you can really put any name on it. Addiction is a dis-ease or mindset. It's not a certain thing, but it can come in any form (like one person above said). If you give up sex completely and still have the addictive personality, you'll just switch one addiction for another (i.e. overeating, watching television, gambling, and many more). I have noticed all of these traits in myself. So it's not sex (or "love addiction," which is another name for it). It is addictive behavior, period. Addiction is only a *symptom* of a deeper issue. I'm in the process of detangling to figure out what these issues are. These books do suggest that in order to start this detangling process, one has to STOP cold turey (even in the midst of addictive thinking) in order to totally focus on getting better. This is the thing that is tough for me...

But as far as sex, with me it's mainly porn addiction. But random hookups has become more of a thing over the last copuple of years. I used to be very picky about partners, but over time, I have lowered my standards more and more. The lonelier I feel the less I care about what type of person I entertain.

The night time, in particular, is a very very hard (no pun intended) time for me. It's when I'm in my bed all by myself and the silence is screaming at me, and the cold sheets are reminding me that someone is missing, and the cuddling the pillow pretending it's a person doesn't always do the job. I literally dred the nighttime, because I know I'm going to end up calling or texting someone I don't want to, for phone sex. I know it is a contradiction to say I don't want to do it. But I honestly don't. And I feel horrible when it's over, although I have managed to desensitize myself a great deal over time. This is why I hate the night with a passion, because I know what's coming and I feel I cannot control it. G-d forbid someone I've been with before (and comfortable with) propositions me. I can't turn them down. ...I know; a grown man should be responsible enough to control his own actions. That's what I keep telling myself.

Edited August 9, 2011 by Voyager

[Voyager]

Just to add there seems to be two different discussions going on here.

First, there's the OP's issue of feeling obsessive/complusive regarding his sexuality. In this case I think seeing a therapist would be advised. Any behaviour can essentially become addictive and there is help for these types of issues.

Second, what we see going on in society where some men (especially wealthy celebrities) use the notion of 'addiction' as an excuse for cheating on their wives. This was what I was commenting on.

Right:

and I am not in that second category. I feel the same about these celebs who are just spoiled, and when they get caught, use addiction as a cop-out. At the same time, knowing my issue, I can't be quick to condemn them, because addiction has many faces.

[Voyager]

According to famed researcher Dr Alfred Kinsey, a sex addict is defined as anyone getting more sex than you are. And an unnatural sex act is one you can't manage to perform. Cheeky ! On a more serious note, some research indicates a high percentage of "sufferers" were sexually abused as children, which if true is pretty sobering. Paedophilia has a lot to answer for.

Addiction almost has little to do with frequency of an addictive activity, but much to do with the reason for use of the drig or activity. It's basically to cover up an uneasiness (hence the term dis-ease... disease). The this dis-ease is the real monster. I know first-hand.

I can also personally attest to the idea of the latter findings of research, which I won't go into.

Edited August 9, 2011 by Voyager

[Voyager]

I do believe it's trendy these days to use this as an excuse, especially for celebrities as Lilly mentioned. They always get caught, then once everything is public they say how sorry they are and enter rehab. I do think it can be a legitimate problem though, so my best advice would also be to see a therapist. Exercise is good too, or anything that might distract you.

Any addiction is harmful and intense, but aside from the mental aspect of it, I find it very hard to compare to drug or alcohol addiction. I'm not downplaying your situation or trying to say that it's not serious and I'm sure it is intense, as you say. But drug addiction kills you eventually if you don't stop. It's obvious that it's much more dangerous. Sex addiction can be too if you're not safe, but withdrawal from it isn't going to give you seizures and possibly kill you. If you're having too much sex you won't die from an overdose or put yourself into a coma. As I said, I think that sex addiction can be a legitimate thing but I guess the point I was making with this is that I think it's a thin line on how comparable it is to other addictions.

I can dig that.

[Voyager]

I have advice, go to swingers clubs. It is popular in these days.

How old r u?

Try focus your energy on sport. That helps for sure. After one good training you will be calm and sleepy. Besides its healthy, you will look good and you will get some girls. That would help too.

I'm 28y/o. I'm gay (not bisexual). I have thought about going to some of these gay clubs that have sex booths, thinking that maybe I would get it out of my system. This might be true, but I have tried several sexual exporations thinking that I could somehow purge it out of my system once and for all. "Just this last time" is another classic addictive phrase, I have found. It's never "just this one time." That one time keeps happeneing over and over again.

And while I have an addictive personality, I still do have some personal standards and reservations. I don't want to catch a disease. And I have come close to it. As I said, it's not about the frequency of my activities; it's the reason behind the activities that I'm concerned about. And because I have observed the perpetual lowering of personal standards, it's scared me into paying attention to the idea that I could become one of the people who don't care about their life. I am no different from anyone else. This is why I am making a big deal out of it now, because I don't want to end up like so many others have.

I have recently joined a gym and am working out more than I ever have (which is not as much as I should or would like to). If I had the funds I would be in the gym every other day. You're right, it is challenging, very challenging.

[psyche101]

I think Diechecker has really hit the nail on the head here, personally I appreciate the positive approach to one asking for real help. I think this is a good first step. I find it astounding that so many people pooh pooh sex addiction, but yet take things like Alien Abduction as serious. Only recently was RLS recognised as a real condition. Sure some may use this as an excuse, but how do we say who is using this as an excuse and who is genuine?

[Voyager]

I think Diechecker has really hit the nail on the head here, personally I appreciate the positive approach to one asking for real help. I think this is a good first step. I find it astounding that so many people pooh pooh sex addiction, but yet take things like Alien Abduction as serious. Only recently was RLS recognised as a real condition. Sure some may use this as an excuse, but how do we say who is using this as an excuse and who is genuine?

What is RLS? I haven't heard the term.

[Voyager]

Because I know how people think, I know that some will probably be wondering -- if you haven't already -- why I'm not in a relationship, which could solve my problem with loneliness (which is a valid question).

The reason for this is that I know deep inside of me that I am not ready for any kind of healthy relationship, especially a romantic one. It's not because of my addiction but my addictive personality. I even tend to be too clingy to frineds and ruin relationships (almost never fails), like the one I recently blew. I probably would have never recognized this had I not read up on it. I'm definitely a needy person, and it's not fair to another individual to push troubles off on them.

You may ask if I know this then why don't I do something about it. Good question.

This is the crossroads I'm on right now. It's just very scary, because I'm just waiting for all of these supressed thoguths and feelings to come up, and I don't feel I'm ready for it. It's like the feeling you et standing on the very edge of the cliff, telling yourself to go ahead and jump--"you won't die." Whenever you think you've convinced yourself to jump, your heart drops back down, and the closer you get to jumping the scarier it gets. I hate that feeling.

I keep trying to convince myself that it will be rewarding once I've done it. But everything I have read gathered from addiction, it's said to take years, 3 at the very least--but usually more, to completely overcome the addiction and reconcile all of the negative consequences and back-door after effects that were left as a result of the years of addictive behavior (and even then you'll always be vulnerable to the disease).

I know that I will not be right for a *healthy* relationship until all of this restoration has been acheived. My fear is that at the current age of 29, having never been in a relationship, that by the time I am healthy, my best days will be behind me, and I will never have had the exitement of a loving and committed relationship in the prime of my life. What if I'm 40 years old and still attracted to 20 something years olds, and they consider me too old (I've already been told I was old) to give the time of day. I see this all the time on dating and social hookup sites: desperate old men (50, 60, 70, 80 years olds) with no dignity, going after young guys who don't want them, and end up being used as "sugar daddies." I hate the thought of myself becoming one of these men. But I also know that there's no way around me bettering myself (or killing myself, eventually, which is the only other option)... It's just terrifying, to be honest.

Edited August 9, 2011 by Voyager