Care giving

[markdohle]

Care giving

Being a professional caregiver, one who works with others, in order to take care of the needs of those in their care, is different in many ways from the care that a family member has to give to a loved one. While it is true, that it is hard not to love those one takes care of in a nursing facility…. the intensity is of a different order entirely than that of a one on one, that is often experienced when taking care of a family member. Often times, those who are designated the ‘care giver’, for let’s say a parent, are often left alone in their job. So the level of exhaustion and stress can be much more for a one on one relationship that can last for years, and is at times fatal. For it is not uncommon for a family member, who is the only caregiver, to die before the one being taken care of does; for like I said, it is very stressful and often a job that is not appreciated by other family members. Of course there are many exceptions. Many families do come together and join in the care giving, which in the end draws everyone closer. When this does not happen it can often cause serious problems for the family that could last for years.

Even in families when others want to help, the main caregiver will at times refuse, so it can be an impossible situation. When help is offered it is refused, after which the caregiver may complain of not being helped by anyone. Yes a very difficult and painful situation that can spin out of control in some situations. There can be a side to care giving that is compulsive, and often family members don’t know how to deal with it. For no matter what is offered, or not offered, or no matter what attention is given, or not, the outcome is the same and no real communication is possible.

Then, for those of us who work within a group setting, will from time to time, find ourselves in relationship with a patient that can be very stressful and at times exhausting. Focus, relationship and codependency, can be a very difficult mix when trying to take care of someone. At times the charge will develop a fixation on one of the caregivers and become very demanding, petty and angry. This situation is understandable. It can be a very frightening situation for one who is ill, or perhaps advanced in years and is totally dependent on the care of others. So the fixation is a way to try to make the world a safer place in which they live. The problem is that the caregiver has other charges, and the constant pressure of being totally focused on the one fixated, can be draining.

This has happened to me a few times in the years that I have been a caregiver. The only thing that I have learned that actually works, is not to respond but to simply do my job and to be present. One night one of my charges yelled at me and said: “I will never trust you again, no never”. So I stopped and sat down near his bed and said: “look, you don’t have to trust me, but I will still take care of you”. So the next evening we had a talk and it helped a bit, for he slept straight through the night and was fine for a couple of days. Then there are days, when this becomes overwhelming, for communication is impossible in such a situation, I simply withdraw a bit, do my job, be nice and then leave. Again not responding, but staying the same helps peace to again descend, and perhaps another talk.

I don’t like being in these kinds of situations, and I am glad they are rare, but I have a deep sadness when someone has to go through this kind of suffering, by demanding I be to them what it in fact impossible to achieve. So I try to simply remain myself. I listen to their jokes, keep interested in their families and try to be as kind and loving as I can; which helps most of the time. Perhaps one day I will learn what this kind of suffering is like, for I don’t think any of us knows how we will react when it is our turn to be taken care of on a permanent basis.

I am just glad that I can at times offset this kind of suffering by simply being present, though I learned that I can only do so much and then no more. It is not about doing, or being present to the one who is suffering through this…. I just can’t become something other than what I am. I think this saying “that cats and people can’t be herded”, is a deep truth. We can’t control one another. In a caregiver’s relationship it is understandable why the relationship can survive this kind of obsession, because it is easy to have compassion on someone who is struggling with a dreaded fatal illness, or is simply in advanced old age and needs constant care. They are in a place of vulnerability and dependency, so it is easy to make jumps and to keep things going. Also there can be some dementia which makes any kind of rational exchange impossible.

If I ever come to the point that I can’t make jumps for others in my care, then it is time for me to retire from this kind of work. We are called care givers for a reason, and while taking care of physical needs is important, it is by no means the central one. Those in nursing and personal care homes, also have emotional and spiritual needs that are also addressed, and at times take up a great deal of energy from those who take care of them. Of course I have my personal failures, but as long as I look upon my not being my best as that, a failure, then I will continue to try to become a better caregiver.

Sad to say this is not often the case in some establishments, there are just too many people to take care of, so oftentimes there is not much time to deal with deeper needs. I am glad I work in a small home, where time is available for the personal needs of our charges.

People aren’t plants, you just can’t feed and water them and then leave them alone. We are relational creatures and as long as we are conscious, relationships…. loving and caring ones are essential.

[Star of the Sea]

And by gum it's draining being a care giver - silent Saints who work and toil for the love of others. It takes a very special person to truly do this work well, to remain compassionate and patient when the going gets tough. I take my hat off to all these people including you Mark you truly are wonderful :innocent:

[Ratte]

You ain't kiddin' when you say it can be dificult and painful. I was forced by my family to take care of my elderly (adoptive) mother who has Alzheimers and Dementia for four and a half years. Since I was sixteen years old (I'm almost 21 now), I was made to take care of the most vile woman... A woman who was not afraid to punch, kick or throw things. The scars on my face around my eyes can attest to that. She's broken several dishes on me and two pairs of my glasses. It took me to a very dark place. Especially when my family still expected me to care for her after I had been in a car accident where my left thumb nearly broke off and a piece of the truck stabbed me in the side, stopping just short of something vital. The only help I ever recieved was in the form of relatives coming over, doing some small chore and then expecting me to pay them in some way, when I had no job. I couldn't leave or the woman would wander out of the house and the police would have to bring her back... One of my aunts even had the gall to come over, pull a few weeds and then take my sewing machine. I know sewing is not a manly hobby, but a sewing machine has it's practical uses. The only real halp I ever recieved was from a former neighbor of ours who would come over and take the old woman to dinner every once in a while so I could have some time to myself and keep my sanity.

Bah, my family sucks. I'm in a happy place now. I'm finally rid of that situation and chasing my dreams. I never want to return to that dark place again...

[markdohle]

You ain't kiddin' when you say it can be dificult and painful. I was forced by my family to take care of my elderly (adoptive) mother who has Alzheimers and Dementia for four and a half years. Since I was sixteen years old (I'm almost 21 now), I was made to take care of the most vile woman... A woman who was not afraid to punch, kick or throw things. The scars on my face around my eyes can attest to that. She's broken several dishes on me and two pairs of my glasses. It took me to a very dark place. Especially when my family still expected me to care for her after I had been in a car accident where my left thumb nearly broke off and a piece of the truck stabbed me in the side, stopping just short of something vital. The only help I ever recieved was in the form of relatives coming over, doing some small chore and then expecting me to pay them in some way, when I had no job. I couldn't leave or the woman would wander out of the house and the police would have to bring her back... One of my aunts even had the gall to come over, pull a few weeds and then take my sewing machine. I know sewing is not a manly hobby, but a sewing machine has it's practical uses. The only real halp I ever recieved was from a former neighbor of ours who would come over and take the old woman to dinner every once in a while so I could have some time to myself and keep my sanity.

Bah, my family sucks. I'm in a happy place now. I'm finally rid of that situation and chasing my dreams. I never want to return to that dark place again...

Yes, your situation was dark, but you stuck it out, so give yourself some credit. I hope you can find some true friendship in your life. There are very good people out there for your to meet.

peace

Mark

And by gum it's draining being a care giver - silent Saints who work and toil for the love of others. It takes a very special person to truly do this work well, to remain compassionate and patient when the going gets tough. I take my hat off to all these people including you Mark you truly are wonderful :innocent:

Thank you friend, I probably get more out of it than I put in.

Peace

mark

[Still Waters]

When you're caring for someone you also have to gain that person's trust. Even someone with dementia can tell the way a carer is behaving towards them.

Before my late mum-in-law went into a care home, she would have carers calling at their house to help get her up in the mornings and then again in the evenings to get her ready for bed. It would be different carers coming in sometimes and she was very responsive with some but would hold back with others to the point she wouldn't cooperate and has even fought them off. Yet she didn't have an aggressive nature, in fact she was one of the kindness persons I've ever known and bless her she never lost her gentle spirit throughout all her troubles.

We all helped look after her but at home her prime carer was my dad-in-law. He had so many health problems (heart trouble) he wasn't fit to look after himself let alone someone with dementia so we were looking after them both. He was very determined to do it though and was always glad of our help, but we could see he was struggling and in the end he took another heart attack which this time he didn't recover from.

We loved them both to bits and would do anything for them but it was physically and mentally exhausting.

[Mr Walker]

My wife and I took her mother and father into our home and cared for them for 6-8 years until they died. They started with mild altzheimers and progressed to where they could not feed themselves or even knew what to do when food was put in their mouths. At the same time we were caring for an abandoned nephew, his young partner 15, and their 3 young children. I was working full time.

It was physically hard and challenging. We did not have a holiday for over 10 years not even one night away from home. We had limited support through agencies so we could go out occasionally . BUT that was one of the best times of my life. I was working up to 20 hours a day at school and at home, and loving it. People asked how we could do it. My answer was how could we not?

They were my wifes parents and had raised and cared for her as a child. Each time we put them into respite care for a few days they were hurt and mistreated

I learned a lot about myself in those days. It truly was not hard from the physical work of showering them changing nappies beds, etc. through to the mental stresses. It was as easy as pie

I dont know why this was so. I know we got out more than we put in, in terms of love and caompassion. I watched my mother in law die peacefully looking out at our garden, and knew we had done the right thing There were fun times too. Like when she had the doctor pinned to a wall with her walker, or when she set off to walk the 25 miles to the nearest town. And when dad insisted it was time to get up and have breakfast at 2 oclock in the morning. I cant explain it but it was the right thing to do.

[Ratte]

There were fun times too. Like when she had the doctor pinned to a wall with her walker, or when she set off to walk the 25 miles to the nearest town.

How was that last one fun? I can see how an older woman pinning a doctor to a wall could be humerous, but that second one? Oh, my mother tried to do that almost every night. It got to a point where I couldn't leave her alone or she'd start walking...

[Mr Walker]

How was that last one fun? I can see how an older woman pinning a doctor to a wall could be humerous, but that second one? Oh, my mother tried to do that almost every night. It got to a point where I couldn't leave her alone or she'd start walking...

You had to see the humour in everything or it might get you down. When we fist took on mum an dad they werent too bad, and we could leave them home for a while by them selves. They couldnt stay in their life time home anymore because they werent eating enough and were having falls.

But one night we got a phone call from them to say the stove was on fire. We called a neighbour who raced down and we drove back from town 25 miles away. We found one small light on on the stove where they had almost, but not quite completely, turned off an electric element.

After that we couldnt really leave them alone at all.

It was funny mum trying to walk into town. First she had a 400 metre walk down our driveway to the farm gate. There was a sheep ramp there which should have stopped her, but did not always. Then she had a 2 kilometer walk, along a quiet dirt road, to the main highway. Both these routes were a chain wide and well fenced. There was no where for her to go, or get lost, and while my wife usually caught her before she got far, on occasions we let her walk (we could watch her all the way from the house) until she had had her constitutional. Then we would drive down and offer her a lift, which she always accepted.

The idea was to give them both all the comfort, support, and care we could, but without drugging or physically restraining them. It worked well and dad lasted 6 years with us, and mum 8. They both died peacefully, happily, and safely at home.

For the last few years mum had, first a walker, and then a wheel chair, but for the first few years she loved to walk.

At 90 plus, she never got very far, but she never gave up trying, either. In the nursing home for respite, they tied her to the bed until we stopped taking her, because she always came back bruised, battered, and cut . In hospital she climbed out the window and escaped. She couldnt come to much harm out on the farm.

She and dad had been married for over 70 years. Dad died first, in his sleep next to mum. However, mum often asked who the strange man was, sharing her bed with her. Not that she minded the company, she just didn't know who dad was, anymore.

Edited August 14, 2011 by Mr Walker

[Still Waters]

People asked how we could do it. My answer was how could we not?

I learned a lot about myself in those days. It truly was not hard from the physical work of showering them changing nappies beds, etc. through to the mental stresses. It was as easy as pie

Exactly! it's just something you do. You don't question it, you just get on with it.

It was the same for me with all that personal stuff. I did things I'd never imagined myself doing before and it's surprising how you get into it once you get started. I was used to caring for babies and young children in that way but not an adult.

[Lilly]

I was a caregiver for a long time. My Mother had Alzheimer's disease. In the beginning when she knew who I was and was somewhat 'there' it wasn't all that bad. But, I have to admit when one's parent turns into a crazed person who throws objects, hits, kicks, scratches all the while cursing like a sailor, it's not a very pleasant existence. I even had trouble getting nursing help that could deal with her. I eventually hired two women, one was a former psychiatric nurse and the other had worked exclusively with Alzheimer's patients. Not all Alzheimer's patients are violent, but a great many are. Comparing differing caregiver situations isn't really all that fair...sometimes there is no silver lining to the cloud of dementia.

When I think of my Mother I always think of the person she was before her mind was taken by this cruel disease.

[markdohle]

How was that last one fun? I can see how an older woman pinning a doctor to a wall could be humerous, but that second one? Oh, my mother tried to do that almost every night. It got to a point where I couldn't leave her alone or she'd start walking...

Your circumstances were quite different than Mr. Walker's. You had no support, alone, Mr. Walker was not. Also not sure, but from what you posted (what else have I to go on) your family is neither close nor loving, not a judgement, we all have are sturggles and also our past that can have a powerful hold on us.

Peace

mark

[markdohle]

When you're caring for someone you also have to gain that person's trust. Even someone with dementia can tell the way a carer is behaving towards them.

Before my late mum-in-law went into a care home, she would have carers calling at their house to help get her up in the mornings and then again in the evenings to get her ready for bed. It would be different carers coming in sometimes and she was very responsive with some but would hold back with others to the point she wouldn't cooperate and has even fought them off. Yet she didn't have an aggressive nature, in fact she was one of the kindness persons I've ever known and bless her she never lost her gentle spirit throughout all her troubles.

We all helped look after her but at home her prime carer was my dad-in-law. He had so many health problems (heart trouble) he wasn't fit to look after himself let alone someone with dementia so we were looking after them both. He was very determined to do it though and was always glad of our help, but we could see he was struggling and in the end he took another heart attack which this time he didn't recover from.

We loved them both to bits and would do anything for them but it was physically and mentally exhausting.

I know the feeling. At times, those with dementia will also mistake a caregiver from someone from the past, who was either good, or perhaps cruel to them. However I agree, those who are being cared for often respond to patience and kindness.

Peace

mark

[markdohle]

I was a caregiver for a long time. My Mother had Alzheimer's disease. In the beginning when she knew who I was and was somewhat 'there' it wasn't all that bad. But, I have to admit when one's parent turns into a crazed person who throws objects, hits, kicks, scratches all the while cursing like a sailor, it's not a very pleasant existence. I even had trouble getting nursing help that could deal with her. I eventually hired two women, one was a former psychiatric nurse and the other had worked exclusively with Alzheimer's patients. Not all Alzheimer's patients are violent, but a great many are. Comparing differing caregiver situations isn't really all that fair...sometimes there is no silver lining to the cloud of dementia.

When I think of my Mother I always think of the person she was before her mind was taken by this cruel disease.

I agree, each case is unique. William has bi-polar disease along with his dementia, so his moods can change on a dime. At times jovial at others, mean and cruel, but like you said, they are not responsible, all that can be done is to be as gentle as possible.

peace

mark

You had to see the humour in everything or it might get you down. When we fist took on mum an dad they werent too bad, and we could leave them home for a while by them selves. They couldnt stay in their life time home anymore because they werent eating enough and were having falls.

But one night we got a phone call from them to say the stove was on fire. We called a neighbour who raced down and we drove back from town 25 miles away. We found one small light on on the stove where they had almost, but not quite completely, turned off an electric element.

After that we couldnt really leave them alone at all.

It was funny mum trying to walk into town. First she had a 400 metre walk down our driveway to the farm gate. There was a sheep ramp there which should have stopped her, but did not always. Then she had a 2 kilometer walk, along a quiet dirt road, to the main highway. Both these routes were a chain wide and well fenced. There was no where for her to go, or get lost, and while my wife usually caught her before she got far, on occasions we let her walk (we could watch her all the way from the house) until she had had her constitutional. Then we would drive down and offer her a lift, which she always accepted.

The idea was to give them both all the comfort, support, and care we could, but without drugging or physically restraining them. It worked well and dad lasted 6 years with us, and mum 8. They both died peacefully, happily, and safely at home.

For the last few years mum had, first a walker, and then a wheel chair, but for the first few years she loved to walk.

At 90 plus, she never got very far, but she never gave up trying, either. In the nursing home for respite, they tied her to the bed until we stopped taking her, because she always came back bruised, battered, and cut . In hospital she climbed out the window and escaped. She couldnt come to much harm out on the farm.

She and dad had been married for over 70 years. Dad died first, in his sleep next to mum. However, mum often asked who the strange man was, sharing her bed with her. Not that she minded the company, she just didn't know who dad was, anymore.

Thank you, a lovely sharing my friend.

peace

mark

[Ratte]

You had to see the humour in everything or it might get you down. When we fist took on mum an dad they werent too bad, and we could leave them home for a while by them selves. They couldnt stay in their life time home anymore because they werent eating enough and were having falls.

But one night we got a phone call from them to say the stove was on fire. We called a neighbour who raced down and we drove back from town 25 miles away. We found one small light on on the stove where they had almost, but not quite completely, turned off an electric element.

After that we couldnt really leave them alone at all.

It was funny mum trying to walk into town. First she had a 400 metre walk down our driveway to the farm gate. There was a sheep ramp there which should have stopped her, but did not always. Then she had a 2 kilometer walk, along a quiet dirt road, to the main highway. Both these routes were a chain wide and well fenced. There was no where for her to go, or get lost, and while my wife usually caught her before she got far, on occasions we let her walk (we could watch her all the way from the house) until she had had her constitutional. Then we would drive down and offer her a lift, which she always accepted.

The idea was to give them both all the comfort, support, and care we could, but without drugging or physically restraining them. It worked well and dad lasted 6 years with us, and mum 8. They both died peacefully, happily, and safely at home.

For the last few years mum had, first a walker, and then a wheel chair, but for the first few years she loved to walk.

At 90 plus, she never got very far, but she never gave up trying, either. In the nursing home for respite, they tied her to the bed until we stopped taking her, because she always came back bruised, battered, and cut . In hospital she climbed out the window and escaped. She couldnt come to much harm out on the farm.

She and dad had been married for over 70 years. Dad died first, in his sleep next to mum. However, mum often asked who the strange man was, sharing her bed with her. Not that she minded the company, she just didn't know who dad was, anymore.

My mom ate EVERYTHING. I found that kind of humerous... Until she found the sweets (Shes diabetic) She got really sick and when I'd try to limit her icecream intake, she'd beat the Hell out of me. She was strong for a 70 year old. Eventually I convinced the person who bought our groceries to buy sugar free sweets, even though they costed a little more.

My mom's in a nursing home now. The family put her there and booted me out to sell the house. Now I'm living three states over with my partner. I don't know how good they treat her there, but the former neighbor that I mentioned in one of my posts approved of it, so it can't be that bad. Also, mom would never eat vegetables unless I told her she couldn't have icecream unless she did. It makes me grin to think that other people are telling her the same thing as she acts like a child.

This experience made me realize that I am certainly not ready for children, not that my partner and I could have them anyway.

Another thing that was kind of funny was how she insulted me. She called me the funniest names and my friends and I would call each other those names when she wasn't listening as a joke.

Your circumstances were quite different than Mr. Walker's. You had no support, alone, Mr. Walker was not. Also not sure, but from what you posted (what else have I to go on) your family is neither close nor loving, not a judgement, we all have are sturggles and also our past that can have a powerful hold on us.

Peace

mark

I did have that former neighbor... and yes, my family is not a loving one. It's all business to them. Why they pushed her on a 16 year old kid, I will never know. But at least it helped me get my anger issues under controll and realize that I'm not ready for kids.

[markdohle]

I did have that former neighbor... and yes, my family is not a loving one. It's all business to them. Why they pushed her on a 16 year old kid, I will never know. But at least it helped me get my anger issues under controll and realize that I'm not ready for kids.

It did more than that. I am not sure many people would do what you seemed forced to accompolish, I have great respect for you, you are further along that your family is and I hope you can find the loving caring people you deserve in your life my friend.

peace

Mark