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to leave a memory.. you must first, live it.

Posted by willowdreams , 12 June 2012 · 683 views

i have been in this scenario a few times over the past few yrs.. mostly in the last four or five.. seems when pple get in their mid 40's, they start thinking of what they what 'left behind' for others, or memories or thoughts... how do you want to be remembered when you die.. stuff like that.

here is the bad part of all that. usually they say things like 'oh i want them to know i will be watching them from heaven, i tell my little grand kids that, so they know i wont really be gone'.. along the lines like that.. or 'i want them to remembered i tried to leave the life jesus wanted me to lead so they will follow in my steps!

others it is sweet stuff, the way i loved them, how i cooked their favorite cookies', but there are times when it is my turn to say something and i get stuff along the line of 'oh, being an athiest it probably is not the same for you, i mean it isnt like you are going to heaven or anything, you think when you die you are just dead!

They say things along that nature in a 'nice' or jovial tone, but they give one another that 'look' people can have, that is really a 'look down on me' type of look or 'she is just plain nuts' type of look.

I always end up feeling 'left out'.

Well let me put things right here.

I live a life or memories.

Yes, you saw that correct. I am living a life of memories.

When I die, yes, I believe I will be dead. nothing but dead. i will know nothing. it is like when you are in a deep sleep that seems dreamless. you have had those? you are awake, then wham you know nothing, and you wake and its time to get up? no remembered dream, no memory or sense of time moving on.. yea that.

I am living memories.

That is what I want to pass on as well.

I know this is it. SO I make 'it' a good memory for those who know me. When I die i want to be remembered for the laughter I gave them, the laughs I laughed, the smiles the helpful touch on their shoulders, a hug.

I want them to remember my inner warmth, my willingness to be there for them even when i was exhausted and really would rather have been in bed!

I want them to remember my friendship, my love.

Now, it is easy to say 'i want to leave behind this of me', that is basically meaningless.

No, you actually leave behind what you give. I want to leave warm happy soft memories. I want to leave behind memories of laughter and teasing.

SO I behave towards others and myself with love and happiness even on those days when it would be easier to be silent and hide away or just to grumble (come on, we all have those times), I want to leave the sound of laughter in their minds, so I LAUGHT around them..

I smile around them.

When I catch myself being snarky and grumpy, I tell them I am sorry and even at times WY then I work to being back to what I want them to remember.

Being happy is not always easy, sometimes you really must be happy on a habit, just like if you get yourself in a rut of being bored and snarky and unhappy, you stay in that rut, that habit!

DO not tell me emotions are not habits, because we all know they are. You can fall into a habit of being a needy person, then when you work youurself out of that hole, you have to do things on a regular basis to stay out of that needy depressing hole.

I am not talking bout pple who are mentally ill, so please do not go there.

I am mostly a happy person, a giving person, yes at times I had to fall back on it as an old friend, a habit.. but thats ok, it keeps me from falling down and staying down. And frankly, the habit becomes such a normal part of life, that it is a warm fitting coat on a cold windy day, or a cool breeze on a long suffering humid day filled with heat heat heat.

I want to be that memory to cool people off on hot humid days, or warm them on on those bitterly cold days.

When they are sad and alone, I want the memory of my laughter to pop up in their mind and the memory of the reason of that laughter to come up as well, and perhaps they too will remember enough of the feeling to smile or laugh themselves.

And, in this way maybe they will make sure osmoene else has good happy memories, uplifting ones, helpful ones.. so that person can have something to help them on those lonely dark days.. in this turn the memory like a seed grows, and the leaves sprout and buds blossom, and with a smile and a warm carress of a laughing breath.. the seeds spread to the next person and carries forth to the future.

SO maybe I do believe I will be dead and know nothing, but the essense of who I am in emotions will live on to the future.

Maybe in 100 yrs time not a single person will know me, ever read a word that I wrote, or even see a picture of me. But my laughter will be a stepping stone among other stepping stones that the future will walk on.

Is that really such a bad thing to leave behind?

I am living a memory, and that is good.

Jun 13 2012 08:13 PM
Just wanted to say I really enjoyed this.  It helped me understand quite a bit.
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Jun 14 2012 01:21 AM
i am glad you enjoyed it, thank you
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