Status Quo?

[JFKResearcher]

When is it okay not to tell a child who has grown into adulthood his or her true origins?

Is there anyway to predict someone's reaction about such a shocking revelation?

Are there instances when the truth should just be avoided altogether?

More specifically, Are there any long term drawbacks to shielding someone from their true origins?

For instance, in the following example, let's say a caring couple with a heart of gold raises a child as their own rather than ever reveal to him/her their biological parents were born on the "other side of the tracks", and simply abandoned them late one night upon the steps of a nice home in an affluent suburb near the city line. The child flourishes in their new environment, goes on to college, lands a six figure salaried position in a Fortune 500 like company, and all is well in his life. One day when a total stranger near a city parking ramp downtown approaches him/her, and asks him how his parents are doing, even calling them out by name, and mentioning their storefront property several blocks away, he merely shrugs his shoulders, smiles politely and infers to the passerby that their chance encounter must be a case of mistaken identity.

Later that evening while visiting with the caring couple who raised him, he recants the story amid some small talk at the dining room table. Suddenly, he realizes there is total silence, seconds that seem to drag on turn into 1/2 a minute, a full minute...nervous shuffling of feet can be discerned under the kitchen table, and everyone seems to be averting eye-contact...

With this in mind, please reference the questions above, and share your thoughts and feelings on this please.

*please note the issue here isn't a personal one, but it is in reference to a friend that needed help with coping with a similar issue but the dynamics and specifics have been changed here in this scenario, but the gist, of course, still remains about choosing between if and when or never telling someone of their true origins or not. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[dlonewolf85]

When a person is an adult or a grown-up, it can be assumed that the person can handle knowing the truth about his/her real identity. It is that person's right to know who he/she is, and to know where he/she really comes from, right?

Age is just a number, I know, and becoming an adult doesn't necessarily mean that the person is mature enough. I am not saying that the truth should be revealed as soon as the person turns 18 or 20 years old. But the legal guardians have to decide the right time for that person, because telling the truth at some point in life is also like a moral obligation for them, I think.

I like to think that honesty always helps avoid complications in relationships. It may hurt at first, I can understand, but atleast nobody feels betrayed or cheated later on, because those are even worse kinds of feelings, and without having trust, any kind of relationship can crumble. Don't you agree?

When people adopt children, they make certain choices not only for themselves, but also for the kid who gets adopted. But then, people are all different everywhere and we cannot generalize these situations so very simply.

But keeping in mind what you've posted, I like to think that the truth about his origins should have been told to that person by his parents. This is only my opinion, and I'm not saying I'm correct. Even if it was a hypothetical scenario, I still feel a little bad for all of them...

[JFKResearcher]

Appreciate your wise comments, dlonewolf85, and I agree wholeheartedly that honesty is "the best policy" long term for all involved. I guess the tough part within the scenario for the caring parents was having to decide when to break the potentially jarring news, or "protect" the person at all cost by shielding them from a less than desirable past. Certainly a tough call, but better to come from the people you love and believe love you in return than a total stranger privy to all the facts surrounding the case. I guess the major issue here is one of trust. Thanks for sharing.

[Susanc241]

I rather think that an adopted child should always be aware they are adopted, it being introduced early so that eventually they have no memory of ever not knowing. Saves a lot of trauma in later life, and the child will know they are special to their adoptive parents because they really wanted them, maybe even chose them specifically. But that's just my opinion.

Edited to add a word I missed out.

Edited July 8, 2015 by Susanc241

[Herr Falukorv]

I rather think that an adopted child should always be aware they are adopted, it being introduced early so that eventually they have no memory of ever not knowing. Saves a lot of trauma in later life, and the child will know they are special to their adoptive parents because they really wanted them, maybe even chose them specifically. But that's just my opinion.

Edited to add a word I missed out.

I absolutely agree why not let them know from the start?

[JFKResearcher]

I rather think that an adopted child should always be aware they are adopted, it being introduced early so that eventually they have no memory of ever not knowing. Saves a lot of trauma in later life, and the child will know they are special to their adoptive parents because they really wanted them, maybe even chose them specifically. But that's just my opinion.

Edited to add a word I missed out.

Was thinking the same thing myself, Susan, honesty is always the best policy, and, of course, the safest approach long term, especially very early on. Just seems the caring couple allowed way too much time to slip by, and then found themselves in the proverbial place "between a rock and a hard place".

[JFKResearcher]

I absolutely agree why not let them know from the start?

Yes, being right up front from the beginning would have spared him the sudden thud like a rock experience. Although, with humans we never really know what motivates one...perhaps the couple they were "saving" him somehow. Appreciate the sensible feedback, thanks for sharing.

[Zalmoxis]

Yeah, I think to feel a solid identity within oneself at an early onset is healthy for anyone anywhere. In America this can be a difficult area for some, depending on what their life situation is. For example, should the child be raised to identify with country, race or another thing entirely? All of those things? In a family who recently migrated from Europe and is 2nd generation American, identity could mean a thing different than a 10th generation American with mixed ancestry and a family with it's members in varying classes. If one joins the military the central identity of all the soldiers is America and to gather around the flag regularly becomes the focal point of connection to strengthen this bond. Really, there's a lot of variables on how to approach developing a personal identity, certainly in America. But to have nothing to identify with could weaken ones assertiveness. At least that's how I see it.