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Attitude adjustment?


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#1    dreamgoddess2011

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 05:00 PM

Need advice.. I feel this topic fits well in the "psychology" forum. I have two daughters 15 & 11. My husband is away and comes home every 4 months. I Work full time but manage to get my girls to their after school things. My 15 year old is very involved in Theater and Singing. she takes private lessons to improve technique ect.. my 11 year old is very involved in dancing and seems to have a natural ability to dance gracefully in any of the dance genres. I am very proud of both my girls and support their choice in the arts strongly. I give my girls every chance to experiment on their life path. I encourage new ideas and self expression. Lately my 11 year old has been extremely hostile towards me and her sister. It is making the home life miserable. I feel like she loves us but hates us. I found myself doing anything for her upon request even though she was acting like a bratt. I believe I was trying to "earn her love". Yesterday she slept over at a friends. She called me to ask if I would pick them up and take them to a movie. I told her no. Today she asked if her friend could sleep over. I told her no. I explained to her that we need to have a heart to heart on her lack of respect for her family tonight.  Basically I plan on doing a bit of action- consequence adjustment. I wish she would self reflect and see how she has been acting but am afraid that wont happen without taking some action myself. no more sleep overs, no extra perks until she can show some self control and respect for the other people she lives with. What do u think? Is this the right way to habndle this?

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#2    Yes_Man

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 05:09 PM

Um I think saying no will make it harder, I would invite her friend for a dinner and sleep over but thats just me


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Posted 18 February 2013 - 05:20 PM

It sounds like she is at the beginning of a rebellious period and a gentle reminder is in order.  She may not react well to the restrictions but it's time she learned that there are consequences for poor behavior.  And as she grows older those consequences only become worse.  Good luck, for my part I think you are on the right track.

  Imagination is the power in the turn of a phrase.

#4    Yes_Man

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 05:36 PM

Actually this is the right time for kids to start sleep overs,


#5    Sean93

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 05:46 PM

It happens. There's always one in the family who becomes difficult. My second younger sister was the same way, rebellious. you'll just have to accept it as a phase of this person's life because the more you try and constrict, the worse it becomes. Of course, I'm not saying be completely lenient, no way but cracking down harshly is just as bad as the person will take it an an incentive to be more rebellious. "Oh my God mom! I'm coming 12! GAWSH!!!" < Prepare yourself for that.

There isn't any harm in a sleepover either, if anything it'll keep her quiet for a night and an act of kindness usually follows with respect and kindness...usually.

Edited by Sean93, 18 February 2013 - 05:47 PM.

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#6    Michelle

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 06:10 PM

If she was sleeping over at a friend's house why didn't her parents take them to the movie?

If she's pushing her boundries, I think one sleepover a week is sufficient. Her privileges should be earned...not expected. Everyone has to contribute in the dynamics of a family and she needs to decide which is going to be more beneficial to her.


#7    White Crane Feather

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 06:14 PM

View Postdreamgoddess2011, on 18 February 2013 - 05:00 PM, said:

Need advice.. I feel this topic fits well in the "psychology" forum. I have two daughters 15 & 11. My husband is away and comes home every 4 months. I Work full time but manage to get my girls to their after school things. My 15 year old is very involved in Theater and Singing. she takes private lessons to improve technique ect.. my 11 year old is very involved in dancing and seems to have a natural ability to dance gracefully in any of the dance genres. I am very proud of both my girls and support their choice in the arts strongly. I give my girls every chance to experiment on their life path. I encourage new ideas and self expression. Lately my 11 year old has been extremely hostile towards me and her sister. It is making the home life miserable. I feel like she loves us but hates us. I found myself doing anything for her upon request even though she was acting like a bratt. I believe I was trying to "earn her love". Yesterday she slept over at a friends. She called me to ask if I would pick them up and take them to a movie. I told her no. Today she asked if her friend could sleep over. I told her no. I explained to her that we need to have a heart to heart on her lack of respect for her family tonight.  Basically I plan on doing a bit of action- consequence adjustment. I wish she would self reflect and see how she has been acting but am afraid that wont happen without taking some action myself. no more sleep overs, no extra perks until she can show some self control and respect for the other people she lives with. What do u think? Is this the right way to habndle this?
Hmmmm it's a tough one. These things are not always just about being rebellious. As a child, she definantly needs to have consequences. If it pushes her away a bit, so be it. My guess is that there is some unresolved anger about dad being gone so much. There is a balance that both moms and dads provide. Some kids are sensitive to it. Especially if she secretly views her sister as "the good one" and herself as the victim. You should also pay careful attention to how her friends behave, she might be picking up on a few things. It's also a good idea to have a set of operating values. These are values of respect and tone in the family or group dynamic that are always reinforced to their fullest.

For example: With my boys, it is already completely understood that talking back or snyd remarks ae unacceptable. Everytime and I mean every time there is a mistake in this department there is a consequence ( depending on the infraction of course). They understand now that there is a certain way you always address your parents. There is simply no other option than the value we set.

Another example: We have an operating value of no shoes in the house. It's habit to pull your shows off at the door. It's such a habit they do it at other peoples houses by instinct even if they don't have a rule like that.

Operating values are not rules. They are codes of behavior that are apart of the the culture of the household. They don't have to be terribly strict but they need to be observed by everyone with no exceptions. Respect in a home should always be an operating value and never a rule. Disrespect should be atended to imeadiatly because everything else negative flows from that.

Go get her mom. You are not her friend you are her mother. I don't envy you, I have boys :D

Edited by Seeker79, 18 February 2013 - 06:24 PM.

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#8    and then

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 07:15 PM

View PostThe New Richard Nixon, on 18 February 2013 - 05:36 PM, said:

Actually this is the right time for kids to start sleep overs,
I don't think the sleepover is the main issue.  It's the sudden, unexplained hostility toward family that is causing concern - and it should.   11 is too young to begin making your own rules :)

  Imagination is the power in the turn of a phrase.

#9    dreamgoddess2011

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 07:19 PM

View PostThe New Richard Nixon, on 18 February 2013 - 05:36 PM, said:

Actually this is the right time for kids to start sleep overs,
I agree with her hanging with friends. In fact her friend stayed with us here all last week. And since her mom worked nights. This was a bad idea. She was disrespectful the entire time :-(

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.
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#10    dreamgoddess2011

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 07:22 PM

View PostMichelle, on 18 February 2013 - 06:10 PM, said:

If she was sleeping over at a friend's house why didn't her parents take them to the movie?

If she's pushing her boundries, I think one sleepover a week is sufficient. Her privileges should be earned...not expected. Everyone has to contribute in the dynamics of a family and she needs to decide which is going to be more beneficial to her.
that's what I thought. Lol. Short answer is because I've been giving into her every whim. I think she was surprised when I said no.

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.
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#11    dreamgoddess2011

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 07:24 PM

View PostSeeker79, on 18 February 2013 - 06:14 PM, said:


Hmmmm it's a tough one. These things are not always just about being rebellious. As a child, she definantly needs to have consequences. If it pushes her away a bit, so be it. My guess is that there is some unresolved anger about dad being gone so much. There is a balance that both moms and dads provide. Some kids are sensitive to it. Especially if she secretly views her sister as "the good one" and herself as the victim. You should also pay careful attention to how her friends behave, she might be picking up on a few things. It's also a good idea to have a set of operating values. These are values of respect and tone in the family or group dynamic that are always reinforced to their fullest.

For example: With my boys, it is already completely understood that talking back or snyd remarks ae unacceptable. Everytime and I mean every time there is a mistake in this department there is a consequence ( depending on the infraction of course). They understand now that there is a certain way you always address your parents. There is simply no other option than the value we set.

Another example: We have an operating value of no shoes in the house. It's habit to pull your shows off at the door. It's such a habit they do it at other peoples houses by instinct even if they don't have a rule like that.

Operating values are not rules. They are codes of behavior that are apart of the the culture of the household. They don't have to be terribly strict but they need to be observed by everyone with no exceptions. Respect in a home should always be an operating value and never a rule. Disrespect should be atended to imeadiatly because everything else negative flows from that.

Go get her mom. You are not her friend you are her mother. I don't envy you, I have boys :D
thank you Seeker. I will definitely use the operating values vs rules concept. I know I can't be her friend... You sound like my hubby. Lol

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.
Dalai Lama

#12    dreamgoddess2011

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 07:26 PM

Thank you all for your motivational insights. Wish me luck. :-) hugs

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.
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#13    AsteroidX

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 07:34 PM

I came here looking for a Mike Tyson post....Leaving disappointed :st .


#14    Jeremiah65

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Posted 23 February 2013 - 03:22 AM

I have three girls...my youngest is 19 and will be 20 in early June.  She is...of course...the rockhead of the three.  When she was that age, she got grounded alot....no phone...no internet...no anything until she was willing to act like a part of the family.  It wasn't easy...her older sisters still give her a hard time for the things she did when young.

Of the three, she has turned out to be the most curious, the most driven, the most visionary of all...she is in college now studying forensics...she told her councilor who questioned her choices..."dead people don't bother me...it's the living that get on my nerves"...go figure...

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#15    dreamgoddess2011

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Posted 23 February 2013 - 03:21 PM

View PostAsteroidX, on 18 February 2013 - 07:34 PM, said:

I came here looking for a Mike Tyson post....Leaving disappointed :st .

View PostJeremiah65, on 23 February 2013 - 03:22 AM, said:

I have three girls...my youngest is 19 and will be 20 in early June.  She is...of course...the rockhead of the three.  When she was that age, she got grounded alot....no phone...no internet...no anything until she was willing to act like a part of the family.  It wasn't easy...her older sisters still give her a hard time for the things she did when young.

Of the three, she has turned out to be the most curious, the most driven, the most visionary of all...she is in college now studying forensics...she told her councilor who questioned her choices..."dead people don't bother me...it's the living that get on my nerves"...go figure...


Thank you for sharing. So there is hope! :-) I think 11-13 is worse than the "terrible 2s" lol

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.
Dalai Lama




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