There are times of inner peace and centeredness, like a fine spring day, cool breezes, everything alive and reaching up towards the sun. Mornings can be like that as well, a promise of new hope and even of a certain kind of rootedness in reality. Everything is effortless, easy, the flow is there and all is well with the world. This seems normal for us. I am not sure that books are written about the problem of inner peace, contentment, or happiness.
Then at least for me, there are times when things fall apart, or seem to. Dark clouds roll in, the sun is hidden, and I always flounder in times like that. Maybe I do better with them than when I was younger, yet I often feel that my feet have nowhere to rest and all I can do is to simply tread water and try to get on the best I can. It is as if no one state can last for long, one passes into another; it is endless.
A great deal of my inner struggle comes about by my lack of discipline in how I handle the situation. The only way through to the other side, at least a more peaceful way through, is to be still and understand that it will pass and there is no need for me to run around seeking some inner peace outside of myself. Yes it is a very slow journey for me, one perhaps I will never really ‘get’, since I handle these episodes in my life poorly, though again, perhaps better than when younger.
I told my confessor that it is like the bottom falls out for me and everything goes to hell. I know that the center is still there, that my feet are on some kind of solid ground, yet the feeling is the opposite. If I don’t do anything and allow myself to simply thrash around like a fish out of water, then things will return to normal in about three days. If I don’t thrash about and face it, things get better in three days; it is the same no matter what I do. When I face it however, there is a difference and the inner fragmentation seems to be less.
Everyone suffers, I hate that, but that is reality and it must be faced. Anything used to escape that inner reality, no matter how good it may be, is like trying to fill up a jug that has a hole in the bottom; it does not work. For I believe there is something deeper at work, and perhaps the main reason we are here. Is it inner healing we seek, mercy, or a relationship with something beyond anything we can comprehend or understand? If the answer is yes, then life is about seeking, going deeper, trusting and never giving up. For if we are here for a reason, then inner growth and trust in life’s process, may be the central core of meaning for us.
To trust in the Infinite is like diving into a deep ocean, often dark, wild, stormy and at times scary, yet from my experience, from this very neurotic man, trust in God is the only thing that seems to bring the many fragmented pieces of my inner life together. Perhaps it is because I know I am being observed, even in my darkest and most doubt filled moments, which allows this to happen. The fragments don’t get further apart, but are slowly coming back together again. It is trust in this inner process that allows the deflection of becoming so introspective that there is no way out of the maze. Trust allows for the light to enter and for empathy for others to grow and expand.
When the waves are high,
and I feel like I am drowning,
clinging is all I can do,
even if what I cling to
can’t be felt,
seen or heard.
Yet light and warmth present
and healing in spite of my-self
moves forward apace.