1544 replies to this topic

[Professor T]

Helen of Annoy, on 04 October 2012 - 06:57 PM, said:

I’m looking for a new and amusing way to mark my keys so I can find right one, even in the dark, if possible.

Tie all your key's onto the tails of your many cats...
upside...This eliminates the need for key rings & key hooks.. Keys that come when called!
downside... lot's of scratches in the paintwork if you accicentally leave the key in the door.

My neighbours Dog keeps barking at all night and deficating on the lawn. Any suggestions on stoping this?

Edited by Professor T, 05 October 2012 - 02:03 AM.

[Realm]

A bone with superglue on it will stop the barking, and eventually the deficating too.


I can't help but wonder who will be the next President. What should I do to help me decide this matter?

[Helen of Annoy]

Toss a coin. You vote matters, but who will be elected in the end doesn’t matter at all. Or start viewing elections the same way you view various Miss-This-Or-That... the process is essentially the same.  

I think I became allergic to my workplace. What should I do?

[clfr21]

Any allergens should be avoided so therefore you must not go to work. Or you could try some kinda suit to keep the skin covered and breathing apparatus..



I've decided I don't like one of my friends any more as they are mean.. Should I tell them?

[Helen of Annoy]

Yes, but not directly.
Tell to all your other friends how and why you don’t like that mean one. People love being talked about behind their backs, that makes them feel important. (Well, that is partially true, you know.)

I often think before I write something. How do I stop that strange behaviour?

[Realm]

Stop posting idiotic garbage like this! See? I posted before I thought, now you try.


My cat think my toes under the cover are something for him to attack. What is the remedy for this?

[Professor T]

Realm, on 06 October 2012 - 06:18 AM, said:

My cat think my toes under the cover are something for him to attack. What is the remedy for this?

The way I see it, you only have only two options here.
Option # 1, Have your cat's teeth and claws removed...
Option # 2, Have your toes removed..

I have a terrible case of flatuence.. Any remedies?

[Likely Guy]

Professor T, on 06 October 2012 - 06:28 AM, said:

I have a terrible case of flatuence.. Any remedies?

Eat a lot of cheese and dates, blended together into a 'smoothie'.

My friends don't like me. Any advice?

Edited by Likely Guy, 06 October 2012 - 07:03 AM.

[Professor T]

Likely Guy, on 06 October 2012 - 06:57 AM, said:

My friends don't like me. Any advice?

Hmmm, 3 stage plan for this one..
1.. Nail your tolet doors shut.
2.. Cook a huge stew laced with laxitives..
3.. Invite your friends over for dinner..
4.. When the laxitives kick in, ring for a portaloo, and they will love you for your quick thinking!!

I have a strange fixation on toilet seats.. Any Idea how I can overcome this?

[Helen of Annoy]

Saturation. Also called over-exposure. Install toilet seats on your chairs, arrange all your flower pots in and around toilet seats, if you have a garden - plant flowers and smaller shrubs in several toilet bowls, complete with seats, of course, replace garden gnomes with toilet bowls or arrange them in and around toilets (imagine the creative potential there!), put one over your computer and TV screen so you don’t have to turn them off, just put the lid down, replace the spy hole in your front door with a toilet seat, if you have cat or dog flap replace it with toilet seat too, if you don’t it’s time to get one, put your toaster in a box with toilet seat on top, you’ll know the toast was done when it bangs against the lid, then a toilet seat is perfect lamp shade, you can easily adjust the amount of light by putting it up or down... don’t stop at interior decoration, put toilet seats on your car seats too, make a skateboard out of one, make a briefcase out of two toilet seats glued together... wear one as a necklace, or a hat, or both... go all the way and use seats with fluffy covers in screaming colours... learn to dance flamenco and use smaller scale toilet seat models instead of castanets... I forgot to say you can not only put toilet seats on your chairs, you can easily make a chair out of toilet seat or, if you’re not into carpentry, simply put whole bowls with seats around coffee table and arrange toilet paper rolls instead of magazines on it... carve Halloween pumpkin and seat it on one of your outdoor bowls or replace a pumpkin with eerily painted toilet seat that will remotely operated snap at passers-by, showing teeth you can make out of plastic cups...

This crap will give me nightmares, what image do you suggest for me to flush the snapping, toothy toilet seat out of my mind?

[Professor T]

  My God!
I Actually do have a fixation on toilet seats! This is the best thing I have ever read!!! Awesome!!!
This has given me so many cool Ideas! thanks heaps! 5 likes for you!

Edited by Professor T, 06 October 2012 - 06:39 PM.

[Helen of Annoy]

See, that’s the bad advice of the year: give Helen of Annoy loads of likes and actually follow her advices
I should add that port-a-potty or two would be perfect wardrobes. Or hilarious mask on your front door. Keep your original door, only fasten port-a-potty door over them. You can also make an ikebana using toilet brushes and plungers. Lasts longer than usual flower arrangement and goes perfectly with your new furniture.

How can I make my brain put as much effort in solving real problems as it happily puts into toilets?

[Realm]

Well. for starters you need to stop responding to Professor T's post. The "T" obviously stands for toilet. And then you need to go and by all
kinds of puzzle books, like word search, sudoku, crosswords, etc.. those will take your mind off the toilets. You can even keep them in the
bathroom when your on the toilet, just don't become so focused on those you forget to flush or wipe.


My inlaws are coming for dinner, and I really don't want them to stay long. What should I cook or do so they leave quick?

[Bracket]

It's simple. Mark your territory with your urine. Make sure to leave in all of the important places, the front door, the kitchen, your seat on the couch, your bedroom, etc. They will quickly get the message that this is you're territory and they should leave.

My dog is getting old. What should I do about keeping him healthy?

[with bells on]

a beer a day keeps the vet away..


this feral girl is stalking me, everywhere i go she is watching me, what should i do?.  the cops just laugh at me?