142 replies to this topic

[markdohle]

My cruelty in High School

There are events from my early teenage years that still haunt me to this day….wounding memories that bring to mind aspects of myself that are painful to even contemplate, but must, in order for those seeds that led to the events when young…. don’t grow and consume me.  I don’t understand why so many people react to the concept of ‘sin’, through granted it is often misused and has been wounding too many.  However, it seems that to not believe in the reality of ‘sin’ or, the likely possibly of ‘transgression’ can lead to something worse.  In some spiritual paths the word ‘ignorance’ is used instead of sin, which can work, since it is not hard to do very bad things, evil things against others and be ignorant of the depth of harm that was committed, or to use another word, the transgression committed against  another human being.

I was 13 and in High School, in Panama, Canal, Cristobal High, it was 1962.  There was a young man who was a senior at the time (well I think he was), I did not know him and I don’t think he even knew I was alive…. for five years difference in age is a lot when that young.   I will not use his real name for obvious reasons.  He would be 68 or 69 at this time and perhaps what happened has been forgotten by him; or forgiven, well I hope so.  There was gossip going around that he was “queer”, that was the word used at that time for homosexuals.  I had no proof that this was true, and I am not sure it meant anything to me in any case.

The poor kid was hounded everywhere he went, in a cruel manner and it was incessant, though of course not by all, for the majority did not chime in.   I did however, the jeering and name calling.  It happened when I was with a group…. by myself, no.  One scene I remember was at the Ft. Gulick teenage club.  There was a group of us sitting on a couch and he came over and sat with us, we all got up and left him alone.... an act of contempt that I am sure he felt deeply.  It was so easy to do and I can’t say I did not know what I was doing, no, I knew all right, I just wanted to belong  This scene has been burned into my mind and can’t get rid of it.  I am not suffering from neurotic guilt, but I believe that this image is a guard at the gate of my heart that is not always filled with light and love.  A warning pointing to what I am capable of and how walled in, cold and uncaring, I can make my heart.

When I was in the 10^th grade it started to hit me the evil I participated in, though as a teenager I did not know the full extent of it.  I also discovered that the harm and pain I cause others returns to me.  I believe that cruelty is still in me along side the part of me that wants to be loving and caring.  The great inner divide that I believe most of us seek to find healing for, most I believe a life long journey.  No, sin for me means that I have the freedom to choose, I am not a victim of my past, though I can be influenced by it and when I fall I can freely take responsibility for my choices.


If I could meet this young man (now near 70) from my past, I would ask to talk to him and even if he does not remember my part in his taunting, I would ask for his forgiveness.  I have prayed for him all these years and actually for all of those that I have hurt.  As I grow, I believe my ability to transgress against is still there and when I do sin , it is greater, because now being older I do not have the excuse of being just a teenager.

Images from the past

When I close my eyes to pray,
or just to sleep,
images arise….
the faces of those I hurt,
people rebuffed, or ignored, or overlooked,
set aside so I could belong,
being part of the mob is not what it seems,
a slice of humanity must be set aside,
a self wounding that bleeds eternally,
until healing and forgiveness is received.

When God forgives, the wound can stay,
a reminder of the importance of seeing others,
loving and treating with love and compassion
all who come before ones path.

[and then]

This touches every person with a conscience, Mark.  I have my own, similar story but it's too painful to share.  Someone here at UM has a signature that says:  HELL IS A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.  I believe that with all my heart.  Thanks for the post.

[QuiteContrary]

I can feel the scars as I read your OP. My husband was harrassed and beat up, I was humiliated and made fun of in high school. I was the one the other kids would tell "This table is full, hahah" with only 3 people at it. Etc, etc. For a teenager who needs additional pain?

But I am not pointing a finger at anyone because, I then did what I consider even worse.

When I changed schools I was actually somewhat popular and was desperate to stay that way. So, I then treated others as I had been treated.  How messed up is that? My wounds were still fresh, and yet I was so desperate to be somebody, I turned on others with the same behavior i suffered through.

[Leave Britney alone!]

Apologizing to someone you bullied does more to help the bully than to help the victim.

Being bullied or ostracized is an experience that shapes you for the rest of your life, it never goes away but does get better with time, and maybe there are those who are strong enough where it doesn't affect them or they overcome although that is not my experience.

The sensitive person who is bullied can go on to do many wonderful things. The weakness that invited torment from others can be a strength as well. Still it is no consolation or is it worth to be bullied. If only one could be not as rough as others and not have to be singled out by rougher types.

[willowdreams]

Now that I am soon to be 49 **winces, tomorrow**.. the past few months I have looked up 'friends' from the past, I few uppity ones too, just to.. you know.. see where the are today.

See I am not sure where I fit. I was raised by my grandparents who adopted me, a coal mining family. However, do to savings, life insurance, plus growing 90% of our own winter foods, and such, we became quite well off, money invested in run down houses, rebuilt/repaired and resold or rented, we became way way more better off!  Yet, my grandparents were also drunks, as well as devout Jehovahs Witnesses (go try to figure that one out!).. and when drunk my grandfather was verbally and physically abusive, and my grandmother verbally abusive and into humiliating you in the best ways she could. (now, when they were sober, life could be awesome!.. to bad they drank nearly every weekend)..

So, my family had money, pple looked up to them. They were Jehovahs Witnesses while others were baptists.. so that made us outcast.. but we had money.. so that overrode that.. they were abusive cruel drunks.. that lowered out status, we had money.. that raised it.

They mayor and chief of police/fire dept came to our home on weekends and smoked pot at our home and drank home brew/moonshine.. that made us popular.

So, i was not someone people in school wanted to socialize with, and they did not. Nor was I a person they wanted to tease/torment, so they did not. I had a nasty habit of being snotty with THEM. It is almost like I wanted to see how far money could influence them, of course they had the switch/belts of their parents on their rear ends if they pissed off my family.

I would watch them, and when they made fun/humiliated kids in the hallways (you know how it was, popular sexy boys on one side of hallways, popular sexy girls on other side, making fun of those in the middle going back and forth), the ones they tortured the most.. i made friends with, only like four or five of them, but there ya go. And though the teasing of these pple didnt stop, it slowed down and was not near as severe, but I could feel the sneers on my back, and it hurt to be ousted of group activities, parties.

At lunch time, my and my group would not even eat in cafeteria, we ate in the back room of the offices, where the nurse and such would sit and chat.. no one dared invade our spot.. even the principle left us alone, cuz the few times he upset me and I went to my grandmother.. she would go to him and well.. lets say she was verbal to whoever she wanted to be.. granddaddy once said 'when pauline dies, lord only knows what is going to happen, if there is such a thing as hell, the devil sure wont have her, shed take over.. fast.. then run him out for not running hell correctly, she cant go to heaven, because she would terrorize the angels and jesus would want to be human again just to get away, you cant bring her back to paradise on earth.. she would ruin it.;'

and  yea,  i think he had a point.. so i literally was not bothered.

This did NOt make me a good person. Now I behaved MY mouth, if I dissed an adult, I got taught why this is wrong, through my butt.. and the backs of my thighs. My grades stayed decent, because if they did not, it wasnt the teachers fault.. it was mine, and my butt felt the effects of not learning as I should have! So yes, I was respectful, good.. in that sense.

But I did not make these people my friends for goodness, I did it to spite the others, the ones who were nice to me to keep my family off their back, but behind my back they were snide and always made sure i felt unwanted.

I made friends of these people out of spite.

Now, I admit two or three of them I grew to love as family, but I often wonder with a feeling of guilt, if they knew that in the  beginning i did not care for them, and only was nice to them because that was the mannerly thing to do, and stayed friends with them out of spite to the others.. even though the friendship grew into something good.. the foundation was bad.

and sometimes i wonder if they knew what was in my heart in the beginning.. but their tormentors were so bad.. they were willing to put up with false freindship in order to have their lunch in peace without tears caused by the others.

lord only knows why i still feel guilty even to this day. I looked up some of the bullies today, and see they are normal people like me, many married with kids, grandkids, you can see on back posts in facebook and such about sadness of a childs death, stillborn grand child.. et et.. and realize they have hurts the same as others.

I wonder if they remember me or remember the ones they made cry when in high school. I never message them, but just watch every now and then to make sure they are still human.. like me.

in high school i dont think i saw them as 'human'..  part of me, because they were so wanted, so seemingly loved, and so popular.. had the best of everything.. i looked at them as MORE than human.. better then myself.

weird, huh?

[Nerevarine]

People are often cruel,especially during there teenage years when they are still forming their identities. These same people will most likely come to regret their actions, as the above posts testify. There needs to be more done at school to help prepare people to deal with bullying, stress and any other problems. I also believe people being physically bullied should learn some sort of self defense. Knowing how to defend yourself makes you more confident, bullies see this and recognize that you are not an easy target. I am 16 and have been picked on at school many times, but if it ever gets physical I have been able to hurt these people and prevent future bullying. End of rant

[tyrant lizard]

I've always said one of the greatest fallacies of all time is that children are innocent. Kids do things to other kids at school only sicko would do as an adult.

[Antilles]

Cruelty in high school. I think a few of you have been watching too many Buffy eps.

30 years on for one of you at least and you're still whining?

It was high school. That's what happens.

Grow up.

[Leave Britney alone!]

Bullying might cause PTSD. Growing up happens regardless but is not a cure for PTSD. Wish it was that easy but this is real life not a scripted television show with a happy ending every week.

As far as kids being innocent, well maybe, but what of teachers who encourage, ignore, allow, or even engage in bullying students themselves?

Edited by Lookitisoneofthosepeople, 07 June 2012 - 11:02 AM.

[Antilles]

Lookitisoneofthosepeople, on 07 June 2012 - 10:58 AM, said:

Bullying might cause PTSD. Growing up happens regardless but is not a cure for PTSD. Wish it was that easy but this is real life not a scripted television show with a happy ending every week.

As far as kids being innocent, well maybe, but what of teachers who encourage, ignore, allow, or even engage in bullying students themselves?

WTH is PTSD?

Put The **** Down?

Get over it.

Oh, the mean teachers let the mean bullies do mean things to me.

Grow up.

[Biff Wellington]

Antilles, on 07 June 2012 - 12:58 PM, said:

WTH is PTSD?

Put The **** Down?

Get over it.

Oh, the mean teachers let the mean bullies do mean things to me.

Grow up.

Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha! I was picked on for being different when I was in school & I picked on people for beinv different. Then I grew the hell up & got a job.

[ThePhantomFlanFlinger]

I just punched my school bully....he never bothered me after that....got a few smacks with the cane  from the headmaster mind..

[ealdwita]

When I was eleven I was bundled off to boarding school, (which shall remain nameless). My father was in the Army and it was decided that boarding school was the best way to give me a steady education. I'll not bother you with the tedium of a long description of the workings of this school other than to refer you to the novel 'Tom Brown's Schooldays' by Thomas Hughes. The whole school from the Headmaster down to the lowliest 'newt' was run on a rigid caste system which today would instantly be labelled 'bullying'. Perhaps we weren't so sensitive in those days, certainly no boy of my acquaintance was 'in touch with his feminine side'. We just accepted it and worked our way up through the system to become I suppose, the very bullies we were afraid of all those years ago! I have no 'icy patches' in my conscience - that was the system and we accepted it as such. Much scorn can be (and is) heaped upon such phrases as 'a stiff upper lip' and 'backbone', but that was what gained us an Empire and the modern deterioration of those qualities has reduced 'Great' Britain to the Third World status we now enjoy!

[Ryu]

That still does not mean that bullying should just be ignored.
Why is it that we demand that children endure situations that we as adults would not stand for?

It is one thing to put up with name calling but quite another to be forced to endure relentless harassment, be followed around and harangued then when you finally try to get some help you get dismissed with the same ol' "just ignore it" routine.
Problem is that many kids have been doing just that, for years and it doesn't "go away" and these bullies don't suddenly sit up and start thinking you're a swell person because you ignored them or even helped them to come up with acidic comments.

If we think it would be ludicrous to try and "make nice" with a stalker then why should children be forced to "make nice" with bullies by constantly acting like a manure wallowing dog, practically begging for more harassment?

[ealdwita]

All 'social animals' including humans have evolved a hierarchy - a 'pecking order' if you will, necessary for the good order and safety of the herd/troop/swarm/flock or whatever,  and is usually enforced in a physical manner. We tend (and I'm as guilty as the next man of this) to cherry-pick when it comes to debates like this. We select traits like homosexuality for instance, as being natural because it occurs among many other species, but ignore the enforcement of discipline and responsibilities because it offends the 'liberal' mentality. It's about time we started to embrace again the 'Get Over It and Get On with It' philosophy!