1544 replies to this topic

[ealdwita]

Have your nose pierced.

I've got to go to a posh 'nosh-up' on Saturday (Shiney shoes, silly bow-tie and dingly medals). How can I get out of going?

[Kasey2601]

Dress as a woman instead.


How can I get out of work to go to a political event?

[BiffSplitkins]

If it's a democrat event then just quit your job, go on welfare and attend the event.
If you're republican explain to your boss that Rush Limbaugh came to you in a dream last night and told you the world will explode if you don't attend this event. I am sure your boss will completely understand.

The rocker panels on my van are rusting out pretty badly, what should I do to fix it myself?

[Kasey2601]

Install umbrellas over each of them so they don't get wet anymore!


I've run out of gum! How can I get to the store during work hours to get more?

[BiffSplitkins]

You don't, you just steal the pack from your co-workers drawer.

I need a nap but I'm at work. What should I do?

[Helen of Annoy]

Draw eyes on your eyelids. Since it’s very similar to applying makeup, feel free to use ladies’ room. Make sure to get the right colour so no one suspects these are not your actual eyes.

I was swearing a lot lately so I was wondering is there a way to lessen the probability of getting struck by lightning?

[BiffSplitkins]

You could stop wearing your tinfoil hat to lessen the probability, but then that would enable the government to use mind control on you. In that case you will need a full frontal lobotomy. No mind = no control. Win, win for you!

My optometrist told me last year that I will probably need to start using bifocals this year. How can I avoid that?

[Helen of Annoy]

I won’t mention obvious radical solutions, so what you need is reading assistant. It’s totally the same as guide dog, except reading dog should be a person because dogs tend to oversimplify pronunciation.

How many times can I recheck if I turned the gas off before it’s considered mental disorder?

[ouija ouija]

*quickly checks gas* *and I haven't even got gas connected here*  I'm not sure why you would think that checking gas repeatedly could possibly be described as a mental disorder. *checks non-existent gas again* However, as you do worry about it my advice to you would be to adopt two or three other mental disorders so that the 'checking gas' thing is masked. For instance, each time you feel the need to check the gas *does so*, you could announce loudly that you were just going to 'check the back door'(which I'm assuming is close to your kitchen and therefore your cooker), and then you can check them both at the same time. 'Checking the back door' is more acceptable, because doesn't every householder want to keep burglars out?

I have a passion for putting homemade curtains or covers on just about everything in my home: TV, PC, wardrobes, kitchen cupboards, ironing board ..... you name it, it's got a brightly patterned cover on it or curtains around it. My question is(and this only occurred to me when I was answering Helen's question), at what point would this be thought of as a mental disorder? What could I be making a cover for that would make you think 'Oh my goodness! Ouija's really lost the plot!' and most importantly, how do I stop myself from doing this?

[Kasey2601]

Your curtain obsession is only a mental disorder when you start doing it at other people's houses and demand that they also go along with your horrid taste in cloth patterns and curtain styles. But in any case, I would definitely demand payment, not only for your labour but also for the cost of the material, no matter what kind you use.


I really wish this electrical storm would knock out power here at work. How can I bring this about without injury to myself?

[HeartsAreForBreaking]

Kasey2601, on 29 April 2013 - 09:21 PM, said:

Your curtain obsession is only a mental disorder when you start doing it at other people's houses and demand that they also go along with your horrid taste in cloth patterns and curtain styles. But in any case, I would definitely demand payment, not only for your labour but also for the cost of the material, no matter what kind you use.


I really wish this electrical storm would knock out power here at work. How can I bring this about without injury to myself?

Get a bulldozer and plow it straight into that pole. Of course, only after you've strapped pillows to yourself, and donned a hardhat.

I decided to come up with a new goal for myself every week. This week I want to start drinking in the mornings. How do I do so, without society frowning upon my newfound ambitions?

[Kasey2601]

Tell everyone it's not really alcohol, it's a new liquid diet you're trying out and said liquid only resembles alcohol, and then only slightly. If that fails, remind them it's always five o'clock somewhere and you just need to have a private jet to get you to that somewhere.


I would really rather be home today than at work. How can I get there?

[Helen of Annoy]

Through your secret tunnel, of course. If you don’t have one, start digging. Since it’s secret, no one will know you went home. And if you don’t keep it secret, you’ll still get home, only in an ambulance. You’ll make a short stop at psychiatry, but soon they’ll let you home with handful of pills. Sick leave, yay!

I could use some sick leave on grounds of mental illness, so what should I do to make people notice I’m insane? The competition is tough these days, you know.

[Kasey2601]

Step 1: Throw out your entire wardrobe out and replace it with clothing which is either pink or yellow or a combination of the two.
Step 2: Announce you are running for President of the United States and simultaneously announce that you will be ditching the traditional Cabinet with open shelving as it's way more modern.
Step 3: Precisely 24 hours after announcing that you're running for President, ask for volunteers to walk in your place. Entice them by promising to make them the head of the new Nationwide Fashion Police.
Step 4: Demand a Hello Kitty inspired scooter to drive around on and if anyone tries to naysay you, threaten to clothes line all scooter drivers and motorcyclists until you get a fleet of Hello Kitty inspired scooters.
Step 5: Buy a pair of horses - one black, one white - and pretend the black one is Pegasus while the white one is a unicorn.

That should handle it. If not, direct the authorities to me.

How can I play in the rain without getting wet?

[Helen of Annoy]

Vote for me and I promise to blow you so hard the raindrops will dry so fast you won’t have time to notice you were wet.

Horses are expensive. What could I use instead?



Edit: blow at you.

Edited by Helen of Annoy, 30 April 2013 - 07:42 PM.