Divorce, loss, and starting over.

[Guest J.P.]

Right now I'm at the start of a complicated divorce. We were married like 9 years and together about 13. High school sweethearts. Things have been rough for years but when she told me it was "really over", I couldn't believe it. Now she acts as if we are enemys. I left the appartment, lost my job, left my car (for her to use for now). Any advice? Been through it?

[ohio traveler]

Been through it once before. The best advice is to know that things will get better. Time does heal.

Do NOT make rash decisions based on emotions. Think before making any decisions or taking action on things.

Stay smart and positive through the entire process.

Dude, why are you letting her use your car ?

[J. K.]

Agreed with Clyde: it will be emotionally rough for a while, but it does improve over time. If you can concentrate on the face that you have a new beginning, that may help. It might feel plastic or artificial at first, but keep at it. Don't let your life grind to a halt.

[Ealdwita]

I was married for 27 years before it went all pear-shaped. I've been single now for 18 years and it would take 4 strong men and a big horse to drag me back into another long-term relationship! Yeah, it'll be strange for a while, but I guarantee it won't be long before you realise it's the best thing that could've happened to you! Enjoy!!!

BTW - get yer car back - like NOW! (Before her lawyer makes out like you made a present of it to her! - and don't think they won't try!)

Edited February 2, 2012 by ealdwita

[rashore]

My first marriage didn't end in divorce, but I have watched a lot of friends and loved ones go through it.

You didn't mention kids, so I'm guessing you don't have any? Kids always complicate divorce more. Not trying to say anything bad about kids by saying that. If you do have kids, heck yeah fight for your rights as a father- the fight might suck, but you will never regret trying your best to be their dad.

Listen to your lawyer. Tell your lawyer everything.

If that car is titled in your name, get it back. The alternative is to make sure you sign it over to her. Why? Because anything she does in that vehicle will reflect on your record so long as that car is listed under your name. If she gets a ticket or accident, it can reflect on your license, insurance, and possibly future vehicle registration. And no, she does not deserve to keep it just because you love her or want to be the nice guy.

The betrayal of the relationship lost will likely hurt longer than the love lost. But yes, it will get better with time. Face it that it will be getting a heck of a lot worse first since you are just entering the divorce... But never doubt that it will get better.

She may not actually think you are the enemy, it might be more of a defense mechanism. She's likely hurt and angry and all sorts of emotions about the whole thing too. But no matter how she behaves- don't lose yourself to emotion. I've known guys that made the mistake of accepting the war gauntlet and being an enemy back... I've also known a couple men that rolled over and accepted it too, and got screwed.

Not trying to imply you are this kind of guy but... Don't rely on solace in drugs or alcohol. At best you are only hurting yourself and worst it may provide ammo for her if she really gets nasty.

[Beckys_Mom]

Right now I'm at the start of a complicated divorce. We were married like 9 years and together about 13. High school sweethearts. Things have been rough for years but when she told me it was "really over", I couldn't believe it. Now she acts as if we are enemys. I left the appartment, lost my job, left my car (for her to use for now). Any advice? Been through it?

It is most likely best to try and be friends with her, let her know that Ok it is over, but there is no need for any agro on either side ...If she agrees eventually.. Then things will get easier...

I know this because when my brother was getting divorced ..They fought non stop...He was left broke over it and had to move in with my mother again..... He figured after some time, to be friends with his ex instead of fighting.... It smoothed itself out.. No more arguing..hen she stopped trying to bleed him dry... So it seems to work out .....

Time is said to be a good healer...For so many cases it is ..

Edited February 2, 2012 by Beckys_Mom

[Neognosis]

I'm going through something similar. Good luck and you aren't alone.

[Robbie333]

Right now I'm at the start of a complicated divorce. We were married like 9 years and together about 13. High school sweethearts. Things have been rough for years but when she told me it was "really over", I couldn't believe it. Now she acts as if we are enemys. I left the appartment, lost my job, left my car (for her to use for now). Any advice? Been through it?

Oh yea. Twenty five years ago. The love of my life. I was military and she was not. She liked to club every nite and do coke. I hated drugs. Kind of self explaining situation. She was absolutly beautiful. My buddies went nuts over her. Thing is, that is all she had going for her. She has been in much trouble and through many marriages. I was young and stupid. It did not make the hurt go away for a few years though. Time to heal is all I can say. Do not let yourself get bitter. You will find love again. Hang in there.

[Ratte]

Get a good lawyer. Reconnect with friends and family. Don't be afraid to let people comfort or help you.

[Guest J.P.]

Thanks for all the well wishes and advice. I'll explain in more detail and let me know what you think. I'm allowing her to use the car because she takes care of a special needs child and I didn't want him to suddenly not have her around. She is great with him. The car is in my name as well.

Also, we do have a child who is 11 years old. His name is Aidan and without him I would die. I've moved back in with my parents, have no job (but am looking), and am really afraid. For so long I had a good paying job, nice appartment, a car I owned, a wonderful family. I am lost in my heart and in my soul.

[Beckys_Mom]

. For so long I had a good paying job, nice appartment, a car I owned, a wonderful family. I am lost in my heart and in my soul.

You are not alone.. my brother was in the same boat as you... He pulled through.. he didn't think he could.. He had to go and see a shrink for help on how to cope well through it... .... After some time, he got himself together.. and Now is happy..

I hope you get all the help and support you need....I know you have lost a lot, but you can get through this...

I thought after I lost my baby, that I couldn't go on...It takes a lot out of you, but times heals

[Guest J.P.]

Yeah, I have "no friends". I mean that too. I was a real closet case during the whole time we were married. So having nobody to talk to sucks...nobody except my son who I only talk to like 10 minutes a day. I crave that (forgive me) female comforting thing. My wife was never like that, ever. She wouldn't talk to me about stuff. I'd kill to pour my guts out to a girl that didn't see me as a relative or a monster. Lately all I've been doing is sitting in my old (teenage) room and hiding...

[rashore]

Sorry you are going through what you are going through... And yeah, you are awesome to be nice enough to let her retain the car for the sake of a kid...

THEN FORCE HER TO TAKE TITLE OF THE CAR!! Or failing that, make sure your lawyer has it detailed for the court records. Make sure it's documented when you left the car in her care and why you did.

Seriously... I know a guy that got screwed on his DL, insurance, and a car reg because he let his ex use a car under his name, and she did not do good things with it. Just a couple tickets, but it was enough to mess things up for him. It took him forever to clear it up with the DMV, and he just had to sit and suffer for the 5 years or so to get it cleared off insurance records. The insurance companies are often less sympathetic than the DMV sometimes.

Another thing... Be darn sure to make sure that all your tax records are in order. And submittable to the courts. Again, a guy that got horked. He was making a six figure bundle, but that crashed. And he didn't make sure his paperwork was in order to show that. So, he was then ordered by the courts to pay child support according to the six figure salary instead of the (by then) minim wage job he got just to try to have a place for his kids to come to when he got them on weekends and pay child support. Then his ex hauled him back into court again citing an unfit home for his father rights. Because he was being a responsible dad and shelling out pretty much every penny he had for his kids, and simply had nothing left over for himself to live on. Took him way more than he could afford to set the record straight.

Don't feel bad or guilty that you moved back in with your parents. It sucks to move back "home" when you are an adult. But it's also wise. Gives you a chance to get it together.. Also gives the courts a very agreeable base for living accommodations when it comes down to you being able to have time with your kid. I know of a guy that moved in with his folks when divorce came.. And he still lives there. He helps his mom now that his father passed. And now he has his older child living with them too. His younger one is just waiting till she is old enough to say her peace to the courts so she can live with them too.

And again.. now that you have confirmed kid action... If you are a good dad, fight for it. Fight tooth and nail for your father rights. I would even hazard to say give up the fight completely as a husband if that's what you got to do, but hang on for the sake of your kid. And make sure that when you can, let your child know how much you love them, and that you will never stop being his dad no matter what is going on with his mother. I'm bitter to my dad because he let go, but fathers have been redeemed and then some to me because of what I have seen friends go through holding on to their kids.

And on the flip side... Don't let your kid abuse the battle between you and your ex. I've known of kids that use it to play dad up for extraordinary crap. And sometimes they have gotten bitter, enjoying the rewards, but hating the tug of war. Just keep being yourself, keep being the dad you always are.

I know I'm painting kind of a grim picture. But I have seen some strange twists and turns with divorce and the outcomes of it. I've also known of a couple divorces that started out ugly, but ended amicable enough.

[Beckys_Mom]

Yeah, I have "no friends". I mean that too. I was a real closet case during the whole time we were married. So having nobody to talk to sucks...nobody except my son who I only talk to like 10 minutes a day. I crave that (forgive me) female comforting thing. My wife was never like that, ever. She wouldn't talk to me about stuff. I'd kill to pour my guts out to a girl that didn't see me as a relative or a monster. Lately all I've been doing is sitting in my old (teenage) room and hiding...

Wait, you are a guy that loves to talk? Do you mean like - Feelings etc?

If so WOW... I have not met a guy like that...My hubby does not like to talk.. .UNLESS it is about cars, technical stuff and computers .....

[Guest J.P.]

Rashore,

first of all thanks for all the advice. I have been holding back and now I'm going to spill it for the sake of advice. For 8 years or so we were pretty happy. I let her chill at home while I worked because I made good money. We had a child and all was good. Then slowly work slowed down and things got harder. Meanwhile she started talking to a guy on the net. Which is fine except he started calling and she'd lie and say it's someone else. Then I started feeling like something was wrong. I kept catching her in lies and she'd refuse to stop being sneaky. After a long time I put a key logger on the PC and read their chats. It was sexual and made me feel aweful. We had a habbit of having some drinks most nights and eventually everything blew up. It got physical on both our parts. We'd make up though and the cycle would continue. That's hard for me because I'd never hurt anyone but trying to fend off hits...it all just got bad. So my self esteme is ruined because of this "guy" and because of the fighting and now she just says I'm abusive. I hate myself for it and I feel I caused this all. Gave her too much alone time, she reached out and I lost her. She isn't a monster though and I need that to be understood. She really was a very nice person. Hell, I might be the monster.

[Guest J.P.]

Wait, you are a guy that loves to talk? Do you mean like - Feelings etc?

If so WOW... I have not met a guy like that...My hubby does not like to talk.. .UNLESS it is about cars, technical stuff and computers .....

Yeah, I am. Hate sports and cars.

[Beckys_Mom]

Yeah, I am. Hate sports and cars.

*faints*... WOW well there's a first...I don't think I have ever met guys who liked to talk.. well talk about feelings.. Hence the joke - Guys are like mascara, 1st signs of emotions... they run lol just an old joke

Edited February 3, 2012 by Beckys_Mom

[Guest J.P.]

*faints*... WOW well there's a first...I don't think I have ever met guys who liked to talk.. well talk about feelings.. Hence the joke - Guys are like mascara, 1st signs of emotions... they run lol just an old joke

Haha, I have so much emotion that it makes me crazy. Only 5'3" though so have a bit of a complex with that.

[MissMelsWell]

Dude, get an attorney NOW.You need to do a legal separation if you haven't already then you need to work out the parenting plan and work though the assets division. She will likely end up owing YOU support.

You need to get your car back pronto. It's admirable that you want her to keep it so she can keep caring for this kid (who it sound like is not your kid?) but unfortunately, now is not the time to be a good and giving guy; she needs learn to be resourceful and now is the time. If you put the title in her name do NOT do that without an attorney, she needs to buy the car from you. I'm not kidding. I got screwed in a similar situation during my divorce. My ex took my car, that I bought, although we were both on the title, and the ass SOLD it while he was "borrowing" it. Your lawyer will likely insist she give the car back to you.

When my 12 year marriage broke up, I'll make no bones about it, I saw a counselor. It helped me learn that I could NOT blame myself for the affairs of my ex. Check into community counseling, it's often free.

Also, get out of the house. Go volunteer somewhere or something... you have spare time on your hands and it'll give you a chance to network and maybe lead to a job too. It's two fold. Not doing something is affecting you badly, and if you're in a bad emotional state, you won't make wise choices going forward.

And last but not least, the goal you're shooting for is an equitable parenting plan, get your fair share, you'll need a lawyer for that... and emotionally, you have to work yourself into a place where when you see her, you feel... ambivilant. No emotion, not hate, not love, not anything... she's just another person. I found when I got to that point, and he was no longer invading my emotions, I did a lot better for my kids, for me, and for everyone around me. I'm not saying it's easy to get there, but know that's the goal and work toward it.

[Neognosis]

I crave that (forgive me) female comforting thing. My wife was never like that, ever. She wouldn't talk to me about stuff. I'd kill to pour my guts out to a girl that didn't see me as a relative or a monster.

Sounds like you were not a good match, and I'm sure that you will find someone who is the things that your wife wasn't.

[Robbie333]

Thanks for all the well wishes and advice. I'll explain in more detail and let me know what you think. I'm allowing her to use the car because she takes care of a special needs child and I didn't want him to suddenly not have her around. She is great with him. The car is in my name as well.

Also, we do have a child who is 11 years old. His name is Aidan and without him I would die. I've moved back in with my parents, have no job (but am looking), and am really afraid. For so long I had a good paying job, nice appartment, a car I owned, a wonderful family. I am lost in my heart and in my soul.

I know you do not want to hear this at this time but " One door closes and another opens". Sometime in your life you may look back and understand that this hardship is a blessing in disquise. Stay strong and stay connected to your son. The child is the most important thing. Stay connected. It is not going to be easy but I would bet much that in a year or two that your life will be twice as good as it was before. God Bless

[Robbie333]

*faints*... WOW well there's a first...I don't think I have ever met guys who liked to talk.. well talk about feelings.. Hence the joke - Guys are like mascara, 1st signs of emotions... they run lol just an old joke

Oh no. Here comes my phobia. My hands are shaking now. You mean, gulp, actually talk about our feelings with the opposite sex. Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, LOL

[rashore]

I somehow doubt either of you are monsters J.P.. Just a couple of people that are going through an emotional roller coaster. Kind of sounds like you two have been in two different cars of the coaster for a while now.

And I do get it.. My hubby talks about emotions, does not like sports, and a car is just a traveling device. I'm the one that squeals over hot rods, lol.

It'll be rough, but you will do just fine. Get with your lawyer and resolve that car situation pronto.. And then just take it a day at a time.

[J. K.]

Hang in there, man. I know that sounds trite and corny. Above, don't stop living. Reconnect with things make you who you are. I gave up so much during my marriage that I was nearly a non-entity when we divorced. After some time, I returned to doing some activities that I had previously enjoyed, and started becoming more content with my life. Do not let the junk that happened define you: you sound like a decent guy and you need to treat yourself as such, not in the trashy way that she treated you.

[Guest J.P.]

Hang in there, man. I know that sounds trite and corny. Above, don't stop living. Reconnect with things make you who you are. I gave up so much during my marriage that I was nearly a non-entity when we divorced. After some time, I returned to doing some activities that I had previously enjoyed, and started becoming more content with my life. Do not let the junk that happened define you: you sound like a decent guy and you need to treat yourself as such, not in the trashy way that she treated you.

Hey thanks...but she called today to tell me that she and our son are moving to Texas in a month. I live in Vermont. Pretty much killed me...not sure while I'll be getting up in the morning next month. Seems all too much...