bathory Posted November 13, 2006 #1 Share Posted November 13, 2006 BUSH: So, what's the plan again? CHENEY: Well, we need to invade Iraq and Afghanistan. So what we've decided to do is crash a whole bunch of remote-controlled planes into Wall Street and the Pentagon, say they're real hijacked commercial planes, and blame it on the towelheads; then we'll just blow up the buildings ourselves to make sure they actually fall down. RUMSFELD: Right! And we'll make sure that some of the hijackers are agents of Saddam Hussein! That way we'll have no problem getting the public to buy the invasion. CHENEY: No, Dick, we won't. RUMSFELD: We won't? CHENEY: No, that's too obvious. We'll make the hijackers Al Qaeda and then just imply a connection to Iraq. RUMSFELD: But if we're just making up the whole thing, why not just put Saddam's fingerprints on the attack? CHENEY: (sighing) It just has to be this way, Dick. Ups the ante, as it were. This way, we're not insulated if things go wrong in Iraq. Gives us incentive to get the invasion right the first time around. BUSH: I'm a total idiot who can barely read, so I'll buy that. But I've got a question. Why do we need to crash planes into the Towers at all? Since everyone knows terrorists already tried to blow up that building complex from the ground up once, why don't we just blow it up like we plan to anyway, and blame the bombs on the terrorists? RUMSFELD: Mr. President, you don't understand. It's much better to sneak into the buildings ourselves in the days before the attacks, plant the bombs and then make it look like it was exploding planes that brought the buildings down. That way, we involve more people in the plot, stand a much greater chance of being exposed and needlessly complicate everything! CHENEY: Of course, just toppling the Twin Towers will never be enough. No one would give us the war mandate we need if we just blow up the Towers. Clearly, we also need to shoot a missile at a small corner of the Pentagon to create a mightily underpublicized additional symbol of international terrorism -- and then, obviously, we need to fake a plane crash in the middle of ****ing nowhere in rural Pennsylvania. RUMSFELD: Yeah, it goes without saying that the level of public outrage will not be sufficient without that crash in the middle of ****ing nowhere. CHENEY: And the Pentagon crash -- we'll have to do it in broad daylight and say it was a plane, even though it'll really be a cruise missile. BUSH: Wait, why do we have to use a missile? CHENEY: Because it's much easier to shoot a missile and say it was a plane. It's not easy to steer a real passenger plane into the Pentagon. Planes are hard to come by. BUSH: But aren't we using two planes for the Twin Towers? CHENEY: Mr. President, you're missing the point. With the Pentagon, we use a missile, and say it was a plane. BUSH: Right, but I'm saying, why don't we just use a plane and say it was a plane? We'll be doing that with the Twin Towers, right? CHENEY: Right, but in this case, we use a missile. (Throws hands up in frustration) Don, can you help me out here? RUMSFELD: Mr. President, in Washington, we use a missile because it's sneakier that way. Using an actual plane would be too obvious, even though we'll be doing just that in New York. BUSH: Oh, OK. RUMSFELD: The other good thing about saying that it was a passenger jet is that that way, we have to invent a few hundred fictional victims and account for a nonexistent missing crew and plane. It's always better when you leave more cover story to invent, more legwork to do and more possible holes to investigate. Doubt, legwork and possible exposure -- you can't pull off any good conspiracy without them. BUSH: You guys are brilliant! Because if there's one thing about Americans -- they won't let a president go to war without a damn good reason. How could we ever get the media, the corporate world and our military to endorse an invasion of a secular Iraqi state unless we faked an attack against New York at the hands of a bunch of Saudi religious radicals? Why, they'd never buy it. Look at how hard it was to get us into Vietnam, Iraq the last time, Kosovo? CHENEY: Like pulling teeth! RUMSFELD: Well, I'm sold on the idea. Let's call the Joint Chiefs, the FAA, the New York and Washington, D.C., fire departments, Rudy Giuliani, all three networks, the families of a thousand fictional airline victims, MI5, the FBI, FEMA, the NYPD, Larry Eagleburger, Osama bin Laden, Noam Chomsky and the fifty thousand other people we'll need to pull this off. There isn't a moment to lose! BUSH: Don't forget to call all of those Wall Street hotshots who donated $100 million to our last campaign. They'll be thrilled to know that we'll be targeting them for execution as part of our thousand-tentacled modern-day bonehead Reichstag scheme! After all, if we're going to make martyrs -- why not make them out of our campaign paymasters? sh**, didn't the Merrill Lynch guys say they needed a refurbishing in their New York offices? RUMSFELD: Oh, they'll get a refurbishing, all right. Just in time for the "Big Wedding"! ALL THREE: (cackling) Mwah-hah-hah! CNN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtlantisRises Posted November 13, 2006 #2 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Is this meant to be in the joke section? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverCougar Posted November 13, 2006 #3 Share Posted November 13, 2006 I dunno what's worse. The fact that bathory found that spoof funny enough to post here... or Bushdid911's posting skills. Either way... the funny is not in this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bathory Posted November 13, 2006 Author #4 Share Posted November 13, 2006 i found it funny in that it accurately captures the stupidity of the 9/11 conspiracy theories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
__Kratos__ Posted November 13, 2006 #5 Share Posted November 13, 2006 i found it funny in that it accurately captures the stupidity of the 9/11 conspiracy theories Just... Perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Col. Kurtz Posted November 13, 2006 #6 Share Posted November 13, 2006 When was this document '' leaked'' ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverCougar Posted November 13, 2006 #7 Share Posted November 13, 2006 i found it funny in that it accurately captures the stupidity of the 9/11 conspiracy theories See.. this is where higher reasoning skills are supposed to kick in. This is a joke on conspiracy nuts. That whole sentance can guide you to two of the more appropriate sections. One of them is not this one. One is the Conspiracy section.. where all them 9/11 chiddlins hang out... or the jokes section, since this is clearly a joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bathory Posted November 13, 2006 Author #8 Share Posted November 13, 2006 i'm not saying you are wrong there, but i figured i'd share it with the people i love:) i know i don't venture far from the bounds of World Events & Current Affairs so i'm assuming others don't either Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverCougar Posted November 13, 2006 #9 Share Posted November 13, 2006 there's always the PM function. eh.. I'm now in the concensous of.. I don't care who blew up the buildings... I'm just sick of hearing about it.. and jokes about it on all sides. Then again.. when that baseball player flew his plane into a building.. the first thing I pictured was the guy waveing a baseball bat screaming "JIHAD!!" ... And it's equally as bad of a joke. Shame one me... bad kitty. lol silvercougar is defs a jooo= responsivler for all day wars in da world!! MELhbison was tskne down by da zion. Is.. this even english? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
__Kratos__ Posted November 13, 2006 #10 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Kratoas are you a joo? You prolly didz 911 days u ur hatin on it? No, Mel Gibson, I am not a Jew. No, the Jews didn't do 9/11. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unlimited Posted November 13, 2006 #11 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Kratoas are you a joo? You prolly didz 911 days u ur hatin on it? wow...they let monkees into the forum now ..cool..eeek eek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverCougar Posted November 13, 2006 #12 Share Posted November 13, 2006 (edited) lol silvercougar is defs a jooo= responsivler for all day wars in da world!! MELhbison was tskne down by da zion. Ok.. after beating my head in against my desk.. I think I understood this.. uh.. post. No, skippy, I'm not jewish. I'm a pagan. And no, the jewish are not reponsible for all the wars in the world. Why anyone would think that is.. beyond me. Why you think I'm jewish is beyond me. Mel Gibson has nothing to do with this, so I have no idea where that came from. Edited November 13, 2006 by SilverCougar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AtlantisRises Posted November 13, 2006 #13 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Well. I can see that BushDid911 is going to last about until the first full-mod sees his posts. Anti-Semitism is rather frowned on in these parts. As to the OP. I thought it was quite funny. Probably should have been in a different section but thats not that big a deal. I'm sure Aqua or the like will oblige. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unlimited Posted November 13, 2006 #14 Share Posted November 13, 2006 I give this thread 30 seconds once an op finds it..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaoszerg Posted November 13, 2006 #15 Share Posted November 13, 2006 lol silvercougar is defs a jooo= responsivler for all day wars in da world!! MELhbison was tskne down by da zion. Are you trying to act like borat. Because he said something about jew's being the cause of hurricane's and 911 and stuff like that as a joke at mel gibsons drunken outburst about jews. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saru Posted November 13, 2006 #16 Share Posted November 13, 2006 This section isn't really meant for fictional world events and current affairs. Judging by the initial responses, and Bushdid911's 'contribution', i'm closing this one down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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