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A picture of regrets

Posted by willowdreams , in Personal blog 23 June 2012 · 595 views

I rarely (and I do mean rarely) permit my picture to be taken, let alone put online. I sort of feel horrible about it too. My children do not have more then perhaps 3 pictures of me. That is sort of sad, eh? So the other day my daughter came ino the room I was in, I was leaning forward to pet a cat who was laying in front of me.. and as I looked up to her, she snapped a cell piccy of me.

I do not care for the picture, end of the day and I am looking tired, no makeup, no dressing up, not even a rince off in the shower to freshen up or a brush on my hair to neaten up, just plain plain plain old me as I am with zero enhancements.

But she liked it, said 'well, I got a picture of YOU!'


I do not know why I hate my picture being taken, it is just one of my phobias I suppose. I have always been fat, even as a child. My father was well over 600 pounds when he died of burkitts lymphona. Most of my family on his side was big big big, cept his mother who was amazingly tiny, she was literally 1 inch from being considered a midget and she weighed about 80ish pounds, which made her look thin but not unhealthy. She expected everyone to be skinny. Needless to say, being raised in her care I grew up hating my body, thinking I am ugly, and eating more because well, if I am ugly, who cares.

I married a man who actually liked big woman and became highly upset when I went on a diet and lost weight, and I do mean upset.. he was not happy at all.. and I ended up gaining more weight just to please him.

Now here I am at 49 and terrified to lose weight. Because now I am on my own basically, only to please me physically, I have no need or want or desire to be with another in any romantic way at all. Just none. But now I am afraid to lose weight, my skin is no longer elastic.. if I lose 200 pounds now, My skin will sag, I will most likely have an 'apron' on my lap.. and well, being fat now, seems normal and well I do not want an apron of skin :P

but alas, I am losing weight, slowly but surely, not really trying at all. I am pleasing only myself. I eat what I want, when I want. But what I want is usually salads, fruits.. and some chicken here and there or some smoked beef. I do nto care for pork, the taste is always 'off; to me. I do not care much for fried foods either, they always make me feel icky inside. My tastebuds since I became really sick a few yrs back seem to be more sensitive.. i no longer taste food like I used to, used to if you used spices and herbs they would blend and the taste would be a joy, since I got so sick a few yrs back and was on so much medication, my tastebuds changed, i thought after i was better and off meds, they would go back to normal.. yes? No.

I do not taste the blend that I once did, oh its there enough to make me like the food to a point, but then i taste spices that did not blend so well, and those spices with others can be wonderful, but by themselves is yuk. the taste is off, it is not pleasing.. and i do nto enjoy the foods the same anymore. Today if you were to ask me my favorite food, I would say finger foods, give me a plate with some crackers or buttered roll, slices of different cheeses, some pickles, banana peppers, a bit of smoked beef or smoked salmon, and some chicken and I am in heaven. I can eat that day after day and as long as you add or switch something, I am fine, perhaps a bit of fruit one day, or some apple sauce another.. maybe add a pepperinci (however its spelled) to the banana pepper.. or a bit of a salad.. and I am happy.

Give me a cup of iced water with a splash of lemon juice in it and you have made my meal complete. You want a good salad dressing? A wedge of lemon, lime and orange squeezed over the salad. Pure bliss for me now.

With this type of diet being what tempts me, you can imagine how I am losing weight now

So I still hate my picture being taken, before i hated my to fat face, then it got to where, I have been seriously ill for a few years, no way to hide the result of that, my face looks tired from fighting to be alive. Only the past few months have I begun feeling better and feeling good enough to venture forth and be active again. But the effects live in my face still and probably always will, you do not fight septic poisening and ocme away with nothng to show for it when you survive it.

And where I have lost some weight, my face is at a between stage of overly fat.. to fatiqued.. fat and looser skin.

SO I have a vanity issue of being vain to a point.  I have worked so hard on the inner me, I have struggled so very very very very very hard to not let the poisons of an abused youth become the poisons to carry on to future lives of family.. I have worked and struggled against what I was raised within, to become a better person.

I think in a sense I just plain forgot about the outter me as being of any importance, other then not liking my face or thinking it is worth much and so avoiding pictures.

And now I am here, nearing the age of 50 and suddenly I realize I left my kids an inner peace at least within themselves, but I left them nothing to picture me by but a fat older woman who looks tired all the time.

I do not wear makeup, my skin is sensative to makeup and always makes me break out, so its always just 'me', but I wish I could leave them something on the outside of me that was nicer.

Perhaps I will work on that, during the latter half of my life. I guess I will never be exactly what I want to be. People think I am good and kind, if you only knew sometimes I grow weary and want to lash out, sometimes nightmares still come in the night and I feel an inner hate towards the people who raised me, sometimes when I see someone I feel is bad and abusive and I see they get something vicious back at them, I smile an inner smile.. sometimes when I am tired, I forget to say 'i love you' to those I love, before falling asleep, and I do not feel the guilt I should feel for forgetting it..  and worse.. there are times when i look at someone who is a criminal, if their crime is one of sex.. i think bitter angry deadly thoughts, i voiced them once aloud and my future son in law said 'Joan, remind me never ever to get you mad at me'..

I am far from always nice, and I am not pretty.. but I wish I could be nice all the time and that the nice would be all the way in me, that I did not have to work so hard at it. that it didnt sometimes feel like a chore. And sometimes that little vain demon sits on my shoulders and i look in the mirror and wish I had something on the outter part of me that was good enough to pass on.

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I am always deeply touced by your writing, this one is a true gem, and your inner beauty comes out in how you treat people, raise you kids, and also the love of your husband.  Yes, men like big women more than is known.  I am sorry you were sick, admire your courage, and there is more about you than you know.....I am so please to have met you here my friend, actuall blessed by your transparent and childlike attitude towards life, that is a compliment by the way ;-).

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