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Posted by and then , 05 May 2012 · 695 views

The past 3 years of my life have been an incredible train wreck.  Slow motion, grinding metal breathless scream sort of stuff.  It's been relentless and just doesn't seem to stop.  I've gone from being somewhat self assured to a hollow shell of a man.  Needless to say I have had a few moments when I thought seriously of pulling the chain and saying adios.  But I didn't.  The reasons don't really matter.  A few months ago I found this place and it's been like a lifeline.  Like a confusing, opinionated, slightly crazy family that I suddenly found myself a part of, even if only tangentially.  It truly has given purpose back in some measure to a life without any and I'm grateful for that to everyone here at UM....even those who have explained my lack of intellect to me in excruciating detail.  
The demons have come calling again and I'm really, really tired of it.  Imagine a life where there is no joy, no happiness or hope of anything better in the future.  This is clinical depression.  It's not a "bad day".  It is a soul killing black maw that reaches out to extinguish every bit of light and then kicks you in the head just to be sure it has your attention.  Medication helps some but the days always come where the clouds in your head stop the light and leave you zero reason that you can think of to even breathe in and out.  
Someone here has a tag line that says: "If you stop to think, don't forget to start again"  I can relate to that most days......  and I have a real fear that a day will come when I just don't remember to start up again.  I decided to dump this here,  not because I'm having any serious suicidal ideations but simply to have a base point for the crappy feeling that I can go back to when I feel better.  I'm just trying to understand as best I can how the thinking can change so dramatically.  Junior Seau's suicide is in the news for a few days.   THAT shook me a little.  He was the best of the best in his profession.  Had a happy and fulfilling life and in the course of a few hours he just decided .... enough..... buh bye now.  I don't kid myself that my passing would be of any great moment to more than a handful of people and that, only for a brief moment...life goes on, so they tell me.
The longer I struggle with this the deeper my interest grows in the afterlife.  So much so that I find myself daydreaming about how it might be.  My faith tells me that I will live forever in a spiritual "body" free of pain, sadness and depression.  Unless I go to a place of torment forever for having the audacity to check out early from this lovely little party.  I guess that decision will be like every other in this life.....you pays your money and takes your chances.  

If anyone actually reads this please don't think me crazy.  But if you know someone with clinical depression maybe try to listen to them?

I am listening, How may i help?
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