39 replies to this topic

[glorybebe]

OK, I am a single mom who is scraping by working two jobs.  My ex lives with his parents (42 years old) , does not pay living expenses and pays child support.  My beef is that instead of increasing the child support to improve the living standard for our child, he buys her a diamond necklace for Christmas.  Can a male please give me some insight into the thought process here?  Thank you.

[Simbi Laveau]

I'm not male,but that's retarded .That being said ,I still cherish a white gold cross,with a tiny diamond ,my uncle bought me when I was probably 11 or so .
It's a huge sentimental item for me now .

[Hilander]

Well not to be negative here but if he pays his child support what's wrong with him buying her a diamond necklace.  I imagine she will cherish it since it came from her dad.

I do understand that its not fair his parents let him live off of them while all he pays is child support but that's life its not often fair.

[glorybebe]

Hilander, on 24 December 2012 - 02:35 AM, said:

Well not to be negative here but if he pays his child support what's wrong with him buying her a diamond necklace.  I imagine she will cherish it since it came from her dad.

I do understand that its not fair his parents let him live off of them while all he pays is child support but that's life its not often fair.

I see it as him trying to buy her love.  Through his mental and emotional abuse to her she has refused to see him, and I see it as his way to get her to contact him.  And yes, he pays child support, but almost half of what other mothers get.

[glorybebe]

Simbi Laveau, on 24 December 2012 - 02:31 AM, said:

I'm not male,but that's retarded .That being said ,I still cherish a white gold cross,with a tiny diamond ,my uncle bought me when I was probably 11 or so .
It's a huge sentimental item for me now .

Part of my frustration is that I can't afford to buy her presents and had to go to get a hamper.  I have to keep a rood over her head and food in her belly.

[MissMelsWell]

So, I raised a daughter all alone...no father at all, and no support of any kind.

When her father bought her gifts I didn't kick up a fuss or even worry about nor did I try to compete with him about it either or allow myself to be agitated by it. I found  it worked to mine and her advantage in the end. She knew who was there for her every day, she knew who supported her, and she knew that his gifts were more about him than they were about her. I was confident that I'd raised her distinguish who was doing something for her out of love, and who was doing something for her with other motives in mind.

I think the appropriate response to her would be "That's a lovely necklace and I'm happy you like it" Then let it be.

Edited by MissMelsWell, 24 December 2012 - 03:19 AM.

[ciriuslea]

I think in any relationship your always going to be let down when you expect people to be and behave the way you want them to...try talking to him but its a lovely gift and possibly from a man's point of view his way of saying I love you...

[glorybebe]

ciriuslea, on 24 December 2012 - 03:24 AM, said:

I think in any relationship your always going to be let down when you expect people to be and behave the way you want them to...try talking to him but its a lovely gift and possibly from a man's point of view his way of saying I love you...

I guess.  The hard part is all the things he has done in the past to hurt her and now that she decided she doesn't want to see him anymore he buys her a diamond necklace. Maybe I am being to protective, I have to work so hard to provide for her and he doesn't care for that aspect of her life, just what he can do to look like the cool one.

[glorybebe]

MissMelsWell, on 24 December 2012 - 03:15 AM, said:

So, I raised a daughter all alone...no father at all, and no support of any kind.

When her father bought her gifts I didn't kick up a fuss or even worry about nor did I try to compete with him about it either or allow myself to be agitated by it. I found  it worked to mine and her advantage in the end. She knew who was there for her every day, she knew who supported her, and she knew that his gifts were more about him than they were about her. I was confident that I'd raised her distinguish who was doing something for her out of love, and who was doing something for her with other motives in mind.

I think the appropriate response to her would be "That's a lovely necklace and I'm happy you like it" Then let it be.

She has told me this, too, I just hate having her in the position that she has to see things in this way.

[ciriuslea]

glorybebe, on 24 December 2012 - 02:45 AM, said:

Part of my frustration is that I can't afford to buy her presents and had to go to get a hamper.  I have to keep a rood over her head and food in her belly.

You should be happy with the things you do, do for her.. buying her gifts at Christmas isn't a true reflection of love, and even tho she will probably hate you like any 13yr old would, be confident in knowing she'll appreciate it when older, trust me on this..love isnt a one day one gift wonder...its 365 days a year...but you do sound like a good mom.

[ciriuslea]

glorybebe, on 24 December 2012 - 03:31 AM, said:

I guess.  The hard part is all the things he has done in the past to hurt her and now that she decided she doesn't want to see him anymore he buys her a diamond necklace. Maybe I am being to protective, I have to work so hard to provide for her and he doesn't care for that aspect of her life, just what he can do to look like the cool one.

I cant comment on his reasons why, but I sometimes think the cheapest gift can mean the most, but in saying that all kids want these days is bling and ipads not exactly cheap

[MissMelsWell]

glorybebe, on 24 December 2012 - 03:33 AM, said:

She has told me this, too, I just hate having her in the position that she has to see things in this way.

Don't be... be very proud of it. That's a skill some people never learn and it's a VERY important one for her to have in her "life skills toolbox".  This situation will come up again later in her life when other people are doing and buying things for her for selfish purposes.

And, the necklace might not be as expensive as you might think. I saw a whole table of diamond and sterling necklaces at Macys the other day that were under $40. These days, you can even buy diamond and plated pot metal for even less.

Edited by MissMelsWell, 24 December 2012 - 03:47 AM.

[glorybebe]

Awww, you guys are making me cry.  It has been so hard for so many years and I want to be able to give her things that I can't.  But you are so right, I know she loves me and appreciates me.  I just have to keep that foremost in mind.

[MissMelsWell]

I think one of the most valuable things I was ever told when my ex and I split up was this "Work toward neutrality. When you see him, the goal is to not hate him, not love him. not let him rattle you... when you see or speak to him, you should feel... nothing." So that seems weird, but it really works. It took me about 5 years to get there though. It was hard getting to that place.  I had to work at it every day.

But I think what really alerted me that my daughter had her father (actually stepfather, who she called "dad" for 12 years of her life) all figured out was when she was 14 and she came home from spending a few hours with him with about $1000 worth of snowboarding gear. I was FURIOUS inside, but instead I said to her "Wow, awesome board! You're gonna be the mostly stylin' kid on the ski bus this winter!" And she looked at me one eyebrow raised and said with all the irony in her voice she could muster: "Eh, ya, dad was pretty happy with himself."  LMAO!  She was grateful for the gift, she used it for several winters of fun. But on that comment alone, I knew she definitely knew the the motives behind it.

[s33ker]

He did it because he wanted to give her something expensive for her only, to improve
her living conditions would also improve yours and he couldn't have that. He will only
pay to you what he has too legally and not a penny more. Big A hole is what he is.