Spiritual jokes.

[White Crane Feather]

I'm board, kids are all sick again, and I am stuck at home taking care of them. I'll go first.

Please no bigoted jokes.

Jesus, a priest, and a peritioner are sitting in a boat fishing.

Jesus: "Well gentleman I have to go number 2." He steps off of the boat waks across the water does the deed behind a bush, walks across the water and comes back.

Priest: "You know what?, I have to releave myself aswell." He Gets up, walks across the water, takes a pee, walks back.

The peritioner: he waits a while. He gets a little fidgety. Looking very nervouse over the side of the boat, he says "Well... It's about fiath right?... I have got to go bad."

He gets up steps off the boat and sinks.

Then Jesus then turns to the priest and says,

" do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"

The priest shrugs

Edited January 10, 2013 by Seeker79

[Bendy Demon]

Ummm...I don't get it.

[SpiritWriter]

Lol

This may sound strange but I was doing a comedy routine in my shower the other day and some of my jokes could have fit in here but of course I cant remember them.... hopefully somebody's funny...

[Sean93]

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

[Sean93]

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

[sutemi]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Answer--- Can you make me one with everything.

Hope the kids better soon.

Edited January 10, 2013 by sutemi

[CuriousGreek]

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

LOL :lol:

[sutemi]

A couple had two mischievous sons. They were at their wits end and a friend told them there was a clergyman who had a good record of disciplining kids so they contacted him. He said,” Okay, but I will work with them one at a time”. So they took the youngest boy first.

So the clergyman sat him down and asked him sternly,” where is God?”. The boy didn’t answer, so the clergyman asked in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”. Again the boy didn’t answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?

At that the bolted from the room and ran home and hid in his bedroom his elder brother found him and said,” What happened? ” The younger brother replied, “We are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

Edited January 10, 2013 by sutemi

[Rlyeh]

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.

Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.

Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

[Ashotep]

That's cute.

[sutemi]

Here's one of the all time classic vid clips you may have seen before by Dave Allen but just for those who haven't seen it here it is I still crack up when I see the clip even though its really old.

[+Paranoid Android]

One of my favourite youtube clips, and yes I'm still a Trinitarian Christian after watching that clip

[Winter Summer]

Priest dies and goes to heaven. Saint Pete tells him "Stay in the waiting room until called. There's some interesting reading on the table for you. It's the original, unedited, unaltered version of the Bible."

Shortly thereafter, Saint Pete hears terrible wailing, grief, and moaning coming from the waiting room. He rushes in to see what's the matter.

The priest is beside himself and keeps saying over and over "There's an R!"

"What are you carrying on about?" asks Saint Pete.

"This Bible", says the priest, "it says CelebRate!"

[Beany]

Here's my dad's favorite. What did Jesus on the cross say to his disciples? Paul, Paul, I can see your house from here.

[White Crane Feather]

Here's one of the all time classic vid clips you may have seen before by Dave Allen but just for those who haven't seen it here it is I still crack up when I see the clip even though its really old.

Thanks for that one, I picked up the "cruise ship" stomach flue from my kids. I'm laying here in my bed with my stomach churning trying not to chuckle..

Edited January 11, 2013 by Seeker79

[White Crane Feather]

Another good one

[White Crane Feather]

Got to love bill

[emberdawn]

Thank you Seeker I needed a laugh. Hope everyones better soon.

[fullywired]

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were travelling together on a train and in the course of the journey, conversation turned to religion.,the Rabbi said to the Priest is it it true that you must be celibate to be a Priest ,Yes repled the Priest ,who then said to the Rabbi is it true that a Jew must not eat pork ,yes replied the Rabbi.the Priest then said ,tell me the truth have you ever eaten pork ,Yes said the Rabbi,I did once try it.Now you tell the truth did you ever have sex ,the Priest replied yes once I did try it

the Rabbi said "It's better than pork isn't it

fullywired

[Grandpa Greenman]

All Hail Basement cat.

[Hasina]

What did God say to the Atheist?

Nothing!

-ba-dum-tsh-

[+Paranoid Android]

Priest dies and goes to heaven. Saint Pete tells him "Stay in the waiting room until called. There's some interesting reading on the table for you. It's the original, unedited, unaltered version of the Bible."

Shortly thereafter, Saint Pete hears terrible wailing, grief, and moaning coming from the waiting room. He rushes in to see what's the matter.

The priest is beside himself and keeps saying over and over "There's an R!"

"What are you carrying on about?" asks Saint Pete.

"This Bible", says the priest, "it says CelebRate!"

I know this is a joke so it's a bit pedantic to say, but the word "celibate" is worth two points of mention: 1- it's spelled with an "i" (celibate, not celebate), and 2- the word celibate is not anywhere found in the Bible in the first place.

Yes, I'm a spoil-sport complaining about triviality in a joke thread.

~ Regards, PA

[Beckys_Mom]

The Post Office...

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!" ...

Looking for my son...

One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.

Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach.

He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.

"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.

"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus.

"I hope to find my son" said the man

"Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?"

"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," states the old man.

Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, "Father???"

The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

[EllJay]

The dyslexic agnostic insomniac lays awake at night, wondering if there is a Dog.

.

[Beckys_Mom]

Where is Jesus?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this?

Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"